


Games We Don't Want To Play

by ObsidianRomance



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-24
Updated: 2013-06-05
Packaged: 2017-12-03 11:49:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 98,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/697938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObsidianRomance/pseuds/ObsidianRomance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is based on the prompt by cherry916:<br/>"When Sam was kicked out of his house he didn't just bring his books and stuff with him. He also brought a little present from Dean; a baby. But Sam being Sam, he was too scared to tell Dean of the news so he leaves without ever telling Dean that he's pregnant and isn't it Dean's surprise that when he stops by Stanford to check on Sam that Sam isn't as lean and lanky as he remembers. Sam's 7 months pregnant." I changed it a little bit, which I hope is okay.  The story just kind of blossomed in my mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. August

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Wincest, mpreg, cursing, awesome!Jess, adoption, angst, asshole!John, graphic birth, schmoop, mpreg!Sam, porn  
> Word Count:  
> Rating: Varies by chapter - PG thru NC-17  
> Disclaimer: I own nothing but the mistakes. I am just borrowing characters and faces for fun.  
> Authors Note: This story's chapters are all months and it goes chronologically. Asterisks mean time passing. Sam is 18 and Dean is 22.

AUGUST

Sam threw himself into the furthest bedroom of the small rented house he shared with his older brother and father.  The much too small bed that he flopped himself down on groaned in protest, squeaking its displeasure.  Rubbing his eyes, he wearily thought about the morning that was to come.  He had 12 more hours before he set out for Stanford, a fact he had kept well guarded from his father.  His brother on the other hand had been a little more difficult and he spilled the news in a moment of weakness and guilt.  Dean kissing his way down jaw and sucking on his neck hadn’t helped his restraint either.  He sighed while pushing himself to his feet, flicking on the light to dispel the gloom of the late night.  Right now thinking about Dean was only serving to make him second guess his decision to leave.   But this wasn’t about Dean, or his father, it was about Sam.  If he ever wanted to make a break from the family business, a scholarship and a school far far away from all things supernatural was the best chance he had.  Forcing the thoughts out of his head, he pulled a backpack and duffle bag from under the bed.  He began to shove what meager belongings he had into either of them, pausing slightly when he found a beat up photograph of Dean and himself from about 12 years ago.  The beauty about always being on the road was that packing was usually done before you began.  One of the worst parts about living on the road was the fact that you had so little possessions that the prior was actually possible.   

“You don’t have to go…you know?”

Sam spun on his heels, startled by both the suddenness of his brother’s voice filling the room and the fact that the man had managed to sneak up on him.  “Dean….”  He huffed an exasperated sigh and his face fell.  “Don’t start this again.”

The older Winchester took a few confident steps in his brother’s direction.  “I mean it Sammy.  You could stay here, maybe do some online classes or something.”  Dean shrugged off his jacket and tossed it on the other bed in the room.

Sam watched his brother move, watched the tension in his body as Dean’s gaze once again returned to his own. They had had this conversation one too many times, and it wasn’t going to end any differently.  “You know this isn’t just about school Dean…It’s…”

“Complicated.  I get that from the previous 10 times you’ve said it.” Dean’s features morphed into those of frustration and discomfort, but he clearly wasn’t above pleading.  “Come on Sammy, stay here.  How could you abandon family? I have always been there for you. Is it really that easy for you to turn your back on me?”

With a mental cringe Sam spun around to face his bags again.  His brother knew how to fight dirty, knew which words would make him crumble.  He didn’t think of it as abandoning anyone, he felt it was more like relieving people of his presence, since he so clearly did not fit into the hunter’s lifestyle - not like Dean and his father did. Unfortunately, his brother didn’t see it the same way; his brother, who was always so black or white about things.  And though Sam loved Dean more than anything, the man just couldn’t see the grey parts that Sam lived in.  “I’m not abandoning you Dean.”  The only response Sam got was a snort. “It’s not forever.”

“It is.  You know that Sam.  You walk out that door and you are never coming back to this life.”  Dean growled a little and started to pace the area between the two beds.

“You could come with me?”  It was meant to be a statement but it came out more like a weak question, Sam’s voice hitching at the end.  Sam knew the answer would be no but he tried anyway, for the fourth time.  He stashed the bags under the bed again and turned towards his brother.

Dean shook his head slowly.  “I can’t do that Sam.  What the hell would I do at Stanford?  What the hell would Dad do without me?  I mean, the three of us, we’ve been doing this ever since….” His voice became a whisper, “…ever since mom died.”  He paused and sat down on his brother’s bed.  “Hunting is all I know.  It’s all I am good at.  You…you have something else.  You have brains and logic.  I am all shoot first, ask questions later.”  His shoulders fell in defeat.

“I’m probably still alive because you shoot first and ask questions later.”  Sam sat down beside his brother.  He didn’t know what else to say.  It wasn’t like he wanted to leave Dean behind but somehow his father and Dean had become a packaged deal.  He was tired of the lifestyle and tired of being treated like the odd man out.  He felt like he was suffocating in his current life and if he didn’t break free something inside of him was going to die. “I’m sorry…”

“Sorry for what?” Dean placed his palm over Sam’s bony knee.

“Sorry you feel like I am abandoning you.  I might be abandoning hunting and dad, but not you.  I could never abandon you.”  He slid closer towards his brother.  “I love you.  I could nev…”

Dean cut him off with a clearing of his through and chocking back his own emotions.  “So, are you all packed then?”

Evidently Dean was done being sentimental.  Sam got the clue and cleared his own throat, wiping his guilty conscious aside.  “Yeah, all good to go. I am leaving early tomorrow.   I was going to try to sneak out before Dad gets up.”

“You’re really not going to tell him?”  Dean threw a judgmental face his way.

“I don’t have a death wish Dean.  Hell no, I am not telling him.”  Sam’s eyes widened just thinking about that situation.  “Speaking of dad, where is he?  You guys got back pretty late.”  Sam glanced at his watch, realizing the two men must have been gone at least 5 hours.

“I dunno.  He dropped me off and said he was going to see another hunter about a lead on yellow eyes.”  Dean’s eyes scanned the room.  “You know…this is the last time we will be in the same room together.”

Sam felt a sadness he wasn’t prepared for when he realized those words were true, but it was replaced with something else when he saw Dean’s leering expression.  Only his brother could go from lecturing to full on horn dog in two minutes.  “Yeah, I guess it is.”

Dean twisted his body towards his brother and leaned as much of his weight into Sam as he could.  “We are going to be alone for a while…no one to bother us.”

Sam scrambled backwards on the bed until he came in contact with the headboard.  He smirked when Dean followed him up the bed, crawling in between his long legs and pressing up against his chest.  All of the air around him was suddenly crowded with Dean.   “What should we do with this time then?”  He smiled big, putting the anxiety and sadness about tomorrow morning on hold.

Dean leaned in closer still.  His lips grazed his little brother’s neck, pushing up against the pulse there that was steadily increasing.  “I was thinking, maybe…since it is the last time we’ll be together like this…a little goodbye fuck was in order.”

A strong shiver ran through his teenaged body, turning him into a puddle of mush in Dean’s arms.  He loved the feeling of his brother this close to him, the sound of his voice when he was trying to sound seductive, the smell of his skin after he had been hunting.  He didn’t want to think about how much he would miss this in the time to come.  All he wanted to do was surrender to this moment and think of nothing but himself and Dean.  He didn’t say anything back, instead, he grabbed Dean’s jaw and pulled him in for a rough kiss. It wasn’t sensual or romantic, but it was raw and it was genuine.  He grinned into the kiss as he heard a moan escape his brother’s throat.  Flicking he tongue out he was met with Dean’s, both twirling around the other’s while hands started groping.

Suddenly Sam groaned as Dean shoved his hands up his shirt, cold fingers brushing against sensitive skin.  “Dean…”  Sam’s head lolled back against the headboard while the older man pulled away from the kiss in favor of nipping his way down his collar bone.  It was times like these that made Sam feel like a push over, because as soon as Dean’s hands were teasing his body he would often give into whatever the older man wanted.

“You going to miss this Sammy?”  Dean’s voice was whisper quiet, but it caught in the shell of Sam’s ear and replayed on loop.

Sam’s voice came out weaker than intended, proving to be more of a syllabic breath.  “Y-yes.”  He arched his back, pushing himself closer to Dean’s touch and lips which were currently attacking the skin behind his ear.  Whatever they had, no matter how fucked up it was, it was the only thing he was going to miss.  And whatever he tried, it was the only thing he couldn’t take with him.

When Dean pulled away far enough to yank up Sam’s shirt, he assisted by quickly raising his arms and shimming out of the sleeves.  He panted almost silently as he watched Dean remove his own shirt, tossing it to join the other on the floor.  Sometimes the sight of Dean’s tone chest made he feel inadequate, his 18 year old body all limbs and height.  But most times, like now, it made his heart skip a beat because he knew what part came next, and he loved the part that came next.

Before he had time to dwell on that thought, Dean was on him again, pressing his body so that their chests were flush.  Sam dipped his fingers into the waist of the older man’s jeans and grabbed a hold of the strong muscles of his rear.  He sighed into a kiss, fighting Dean for control but ultimately losing. 

It was only a matter of time before their movements became a sloppy synchronization of groping, tugging, pushing and devouring.  Another shiver went down Sam’s spine when Dean straddled his thighs and made quick work out of undoing his jeans, releasing the pressure of his increasing arousal.  Sam groaned and pushed upward, causing Dean’s hand to ghost over the hardened flesh.  When he went to tug at the button on Dean’s pants, his hands were swatted away and pinned down at his sides, leaving him open for the older man’s inevitable attack.  “Dean…”

“Sam…” Dean mocked Sam’s lust drunk tone, pulling away to give his brother a cocky smirk.  “Stop whining.” 

“I’m not…”  But Sam’s words were cut off as Dean shoved forward, pulling him in for a kiss as his hand wrapped around the teenager’s strengthening arousal.  Sam bucked upwards, impatient and certain that he wasn’t going to last long.  He hated giving into to his hormone fueled youth, but Dean felt too good to try and slow down.  Feeling greedy, he yanked one hand free and dipped it into the front of Dean’s pants.  This time Dean didn’t stop him, and he ran his fingers over the coarse fabric of the denim before searching out Dean’s length in the constricting space of his pants.  His breath hitched when Dean simultaneous pressed into him and bit down on his lip.

He only got a few strokes of Dean’s sex in before the man was pulling away, hastily ridding Sam of his jeans before shimmying out of his own.  Sam found himself only capable of blinking back at Dean as he watched the man sit back on his calves and slick two fingers with his own saliva.  They rarely had time alone together like this, but it was hard to break old habits of being quiet and quick.  Though he would never give Dean the satisfaction of knowing that he liked letting the older man take control, the fact that they seemed to have roles, and played them very well, comforted him.

Sam was snapped out of his thought when Dean pulled one of his legs roughly and tugged him flat on the bed, knees urging his legs wide enough apart so that he could setting in between them.  Then they were kissing again, Sam suddenly gasping into Dean’s mouth when he felt a finger moving inside him…then two…then three.  In the back of his head he realized Dean’s tongue was dipping into his mouth at the same pace as his fingers.

“Enough Dean, I’m good.”  Sam tried to pull away but he was only successful when Dean decided he was done with the younger man.  Turning towards the edge of the bed, Sam fiddled through the lone drawer of the splintering night table.  He huffed out a frustrated sigh, his breathe blowing his tousled hair out of his face.  Abandoning his search, he caught the edge of his discarded jeans and rifled thought the pockets before admitting defeat.  “I’m out.”  He could have sworn he had a condom somewhere around this measly house, but he seemed to have lost track of it.  He turned back to face Dean who was currently rifling through the forgotten compartments of his wallet.

“I’m out too.”  Dean’s words came out as a growl as he through the wallet down in aggravation.

“Shit.”  Sam sighed and his shoulders fell.  He was so on edge that abandoning their quest now was almost unbearable.  He rolled his eyes at Dean, who looked similarly annoyed, but he watched as the man’s face changed from one of hardened anger to a soft persuasive one.

Dean turned towards his brother again and crawled over his body, keeping their faces close as he pushed them both down into a horizontal position on the bed.   “I’ll pull out…I promise I will.”  His voice was velvety and sweet, whispering right next to Sam’s ear.  “Please baby.”

Sam swallowed hard.  Dean’s words went straight to his dick and he groaned as the man’s hand went back to pleasuring him.  “Dean, I don’t think…”

“It’ll be good, I swear.”  Dean kissed Sam’s lips softly and lingered there.  “It’ll be so good.”  He dropped another saccharine sweet kiss to Sam’s lips.  “I promise I won’t come inside you.  Promise…”

“I know…”  Sam groaned.  His only answer was in the form of spreading his legs for Dean, knowing they shouldn’t but also needing this closure, this last time.

“You’re so beautiful like that.”

Sam swooned and hated himself for it.  He had been so certain how saying goodbye to Dean would go, and this wasn’t it.  He leaned up into Dean, tilting his head so that they were kissing while Dean lubed himself up.  His heart was hammering in his chest like it was about to break free and the excitement of feeling Dean, and only Dean, inside of him made him feel both alive and like he was playing with fire. As Dean pushed into him, slowly at first and then with more drive and determination, he let out a habitual gasp,  his hips moving slightly on their own accord until Dean was buried to the hilt.

He wasn’t sure, but when Sam looked through his fluttering eyelashes, he thought he saw Dean’s eyes roll back slightly when he gave a shiver of pleasure.  They stayed like that for several beats, staring at each other without words, before Dean pulled out and slowly pushed back in, building a quickening rhythm.

Over the years, Sam had grown tired of many things, but Dean was not one of them.  Feeling Dean moving inside of him was like feeling Dean all over again for the first time.  His breaths started coming in small pants as he watches the muscles of Dean’s arms and chest flex with the strain of holding himself upright while thrusting forward.

When Dean wrapped his fist around his arousal and pumped in time with his own hips,  Sam cried out.  Arching his back, opening himself to Dean, he wrapped his legs around the older man’s hips.  He felt himself on the edge of an orgasm, his muscles shivering and his breathing becoming shallow, his clear signs of how close he was.

Dean twisted his hips and pushed in deep before withdrawing almost completely, only to repeat the circuit.  He was biting the corner of his lip and gleaming with sweat, making Sam’s stomach flip-flop with arousal.

Suddenly Dean did something to him, hit something, moved some way, and his orgasm slammed into him.  Sam’s muscles constricted, his legs tightening like a vice around Dean’s body, trying to keep himself as close to the source of pleasure as possible.  “Dean!”  He came hard between their two bodies, coating their bellies and holding onto Dean for dear life.  Somewhere in the haze of riding out his orgasm he felt Dean trying to pull away, but he tightened his legs even more, his entrance tightening up as well in an attempt to quash the man’s movements.

“Shit!”  Dean put one hand on Sam’s leg and pushed it hard, finally succeeding in prying away from the man.  He backed up, almost falling over in his haste, and stroked his dick once, twice, three times, his fingers sticky with his own seed.

Sam blinked up at Dean, watched him close his eyes tightly as his hand’s movement slowed to a stop.  His heart was beating just as hard as before, but it spiked when he remembered Dean hadn’t been wearing a condom.  “You didn’t…”

Opening his eyes slowly, Dean wiped his hand on the side of the bed before crawling up to lay beside Sam.  “No…no, I think we’re good.”

“Think?”  Sam tried to sit up, but Dean rolled him on his side, wrapping and arm around his waist and spooking him snugly.

“We’re good.”  He dropped a kiss to the back of Sam’s sweaty neck, and tightened his hold on the man for a heartbeat.  “I love you Sammy.”

Sam’s heart skipped a beat the way it always did when Dean said that.  “Love you too.”  A smile made its way to his face.  Even so, he couldn’t help but let out a loud yawn, finally able to relax from his anxiety riddled day. “Dean I…” Dean’s finger was suddenly t his lips.

“Shh…rest Sammy.  I’ll wake you in a few hours.   You have a long day of driving ahead of you.” 

Sam stayed silent for a moment.  “Dean?”

“Hmm?”  Dean’s voice was thick and lazy, taking it’s time to reach Sam’s ears.

“You’ll come and visit…right?”

“Sure Sammy.  Sure I will.” 

He felt Dean’s lips on his neck again, felt his arm tighten around his waist, felt the heat of their cooling bodies...and wanted to stay there forever.  But he didn’t have forever…he had less than a day.  He wanted forever, but he would have to settle for 6 hours.

**************************************

When Sam woke the first thing he realized was his father was yelling his name…loudly.  The second thing he noticed after having a mild heart attack was that he was alone in bed, still naked, but alone and covered.  With Dean nowhere to be seen, he didn’t know what was going on. He scrambled out of the bed, tugging on his discarded clothing as he made his way to the doorway.

Before he exited, he pressed his ear against the door, straining to hear any syllabic definition to his father’s words, but all he could make out was yelling and anger. 

“Shit.”  Straightening his back, he gave his body a quick shake to get his head in the game and opened the door just in time for another round of his name being bellowed.

Taking the steps two at a time, he bounded into the kitchen of the house, skidding to the stop when his father almost crashed into him.  “What?”

“Sam, what the hell were you doing?”  John turned and looked at Sam like it really was strange for him to have been sleeping at 3 in the morning.  “Go pack your things.  We are getting out of here tonight.”   He spun on his heels and headed into the other rooming, counting off some unknown list on his fingers.

“W-what?”  Sam almost choked on the words, not sure if he was still half asleep or if he was still dreaming.

“Don’t just stand there…move!”  John waited in vain for Sam to do something.  “Sam! Now!”

There was a wild expression on his father’s face that left Sam with a sinking feeling.  “D-Dean…he…”

“Dean is out packing the Impala.  You’re taking the Civic, so pack up.”  Without bothering to give Sam a second glance, he set about dragging a rubbermaid container out to the car.

Sam watched him disappear, going slightly lightheaded in the process.  He fell against the wall, his right hand going to the worry lines forming on his forehead.  This wasn’t how his plan was supposed to go.  He was going to slip out without any drama, without any one caring, the way they always did.  “Shit shit shit shit shit.” 

He heard his father coming back in and, before he earned himself another reprimand, he sprinted up the stairs and grabbed his two already packed bags.  Swallowing hard, he realized that he had to be quick with this, like ripping off a bandage, or it would just cause more pain. 

His brain was clouded with nerves and memories.  Memories about what his father taught him about killing.  He remembered learning that if you intended to kill something then there was no halfway about it.  You either did it well or you didn’t do it at all.  Killing wasn’t a matter one took lightly, and this life was killing him.  He needed out.

When he walked out the front steps of the house he froze, his legs wooden and stiff.  Dean was leaning on the hood of the Impala, privy to the knowledge of what was about to happen but proving to be no help.  Sam almost couldn’t blame him because he agreed that there was no point in both of them getting burned.

“Sam, what the hell is the matter with you?”  John was in front of him again.  Whatever had gotten his father riled up had done a pretty decent job of it, leaving no wiggle room for Sam to break his news gently.

“I’m not going with you Dad.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said I am not going with you and Dean.”  Sam felt himself almost trip over his words, but he held strong.

John laughed, a laugh void of emotion.  “Ohh really?  And where do you think you are going?”

“Stanford….on a scholarship.  I….I should have told you months ago but….Dad…I’m not like you.  I need to get out of here.  Out of this.”

“Like hell you do Sam!  You think you are so damn smart?  So much better than Dean and I?  College boy! You’re not going anywhere.  Get in the damn Impala.  Dean’ll take the Civic.”  He turned his back on his youngest son, shaking his head in anger.

The tone in his father’s voice made Sam realize that he didn’t take him seriously.  He was treating him like a child, just like he always did.  Making up Sam’s mind for him, just like he always did.  “No dad.  No.”

“What did you say?”  John whirled around, facing his son full on.

“No.”

“If you do this Sam…If you ABANDON your family…You can’t come back.  I am washing my hands clean of you.  Is that what you want?  For me to be done with you?”

“Oh go wash your fucking hands dad.  How could you be done with me if you never even started in the first place?  If you gave a shit, maybe you would care about what I want.  What I need.  But you don’t.  Me leaving isn’t going to be too tough on your conscious.”  Sam pushed forward, shoving past his stunned father.  He heard John called behind his back.

“Don’t you dare come crawling back to me!”

“I won’t!”  Sam was trying to keep it together but he was choking on a sob.  His father’s words hit hard, starting the unsettling feeling of the onslaught of tears that he knew would over take him.  Clenching his fist around the straps of his duffel bag, he tried to concentrate on the rough material rather and putting one foot in front of the other.

“YOU’RE NO SON OF MINE!”  John’s voice was vibrating with anger, clearly meant to be hurtful.

“Fuck you dad. Fuck! You!”  Sam didn’t trust himself enough to turn around and say the words directly to his father’s face.  Instead he kept beelineing to the Civic, yanking open the door and throwing his belongings in forcefully.  He turned his head towards Dean, begging for the man to do something, to stand up for him even though he knew it wouldn’t matter.  Begging for Dean to come with him.  Begging for anything, only there was nothing.  His mouth formed his brother’s name before he slipped into the driver’s seat.  With one last glance at Dean in the rear view mirror, he shifted the car into gear and slammed on the gas, the tires peeling out as he hit the road.

Only then did he let a tear slip down his cheek.  They didn’t stop until he was 40 miles out and his ears stopped ringing with John’s last words.


	2. September

Sam filtered into the meeting hall with the rest of the incoming college freshman who were assigned this particular time slot.  When he had woken up that morning he had hoped that being forced into surrounding himself with hundreds of his peers would snuff out the lonely empty feeling in his gut; he was wrong.  If anything, it only made him feel more alone in a sea of people who had it seemingly together. 

He had foolishly expected college to be the magic pill that would make all his problems go away, but it turned out to be the bandage that merely covered the scar.  If he felt ignored and unimportant at home, then he felt of less import at Stanford.  At least at home he was "Sam", albeit sometimes an angrily screamed "Sam", and to Dean he was often "Sammy".  But, here he was just a number and a student loan.  That fact originally comforted him, because he wasn’t Sam Winchester, paranormal hunter.  He was Sam Winchester, incoming freshman taking 15 credits whose first year’s $50,000 tuition was cut in half because of his scholarship.  He was made up of numbers: age 18, 15 credits, $25,000 loan, 9:30 orientation.  He didn’t have to fight poltergeists or windago; he had to cram for tests and write papers.

Taking a seat in a back row, he folded his body into a seat that felt too small and closed his eyes.  He missed Dean…but he didn’t miss his father.   The noises of the room started to dull, indicating the welcome assembly was about the start.

“Excuse me.”

The cheery voice startled Sam and he turned to see a girl clutching a spiral notebook to her chest, bag slung over her shoulder.

“Is that seat taken?”  She gestured with her chin towards the lone empty seat between Sam and the stranger on the other side.

“What? Oh – no, no it isn’t.”  Sam stood up so that the girl could squeeze by, both of them not paying direct attention to the other’s movements and causing them to crash into each other, sending the girls notebook plummeting to the ground and her pens skittering down the slight slope of the floor.

“Ohh shit!  I’m sorry.”  Sam bent down to retrieve the book but his actions resulted in a repeat performance, both freshmen bumping into each other, Sam’s head knocking against the girl’s. “Sorry!”

The girl stood up and rubbed her head, laughing while looking at Sam like he was crazy.  “It’s okay…I think.  Just sit down before we both draw any more attention.  _I’ll_ get the book.”  She put both her hands up towards Sam in a gesture much like on used to persuade a puppy to stay seated.  Without taking her eyes off of Sam, she crouched down, grabbed the book, and took a seat next to the taller man.  Eyes still filled with laughter, she stuck her hand towards Sam and smiled again.  “I’m Jessica.  You can call me Jess, but not Jessie.  And you owe me a pen.”

The words hit Sam’s ears but his brain needed a minute to catch up, leaving her staring at him in silence while he processed the information.  “Uhh yeah, sure.  Here.”  Sam clumsily fished through his pocket and pulled out a pen, placing it in the hand she had offered in wait of a handshake.

Jess’ eyes scanned the pen, her eyebrows peaking as she cocked her head to the left to read the words on the pen’s casing.  “Singer Salvage…Thanks for the stolen pen, tall, handsome, clumsy, gigantic stranger.”  She smiled again, this time making Sam notice the energy she was exuding.

“Sam.  I’m Sam.  Don’t call me Sammy.”  He thought echoing Jess’ previous statement about nicknames would have come off as humorous, instead he ended up sounding uncomfortable, which was closer to how he was really feeling.  Jess had caught him at the exact moment he let his mind wander to thoughts of his family, of Dean, making it hard for him to pull himself back to reality.  It was as if he feared she had been privy to his personal world, regardless of how silly that seemed.

“Well thanks Sam.”  She stared at Sam curiously for a moment before flipping her notebook open and transferring her attention to the speakers on stage.

Letting out a breath, Sam tried to do the same but he couldn’t focus on anything other than how hungry he was feeling right now and that fact that he has just made a complete ass of himself.  He didn’t think the welcome assembly mattered much because he already had a general idea of how college life worked and intended to lose himself in that life as quickly as possible.  The faster he could wash away the foul taste of the life his father had imposed on him, the better.  Jess was jotting something down in her notebook, but in the dimmed lights he couldn’t make out what it said.  She seemed nice.  Despite how hard he tried to disappear, Jess was the first person who had paid enough attention to him to get his name.  Leaning his head towards her, his voice came in the low whisper.  “Psst, Jess.”

“Hmm?”  Jess turned her head, oblivious to its close proximity to Sam’s, the sudden motion causing her head to hit into his.  She sucked in a surprised breath before pulling back in a sudden jerky motion.  "Ouch!"

This time Sam had to laugh, the sound echoing through the back of the auditorium, prompting the person sitting in front of him to turn around and sharply shush him.  Waving an apologetic gesture, he turned back towards Jess.  “Listen, I think we got off on the wrong foot.  Can I buy you lunch to make it up to you?”

Jess gave Sam a skeptical look, squinting one eye as she pushed her wavy hair from her face.  “Are you sure you won’t end up causing me bodily harm instead?”

“Promise.”

“Do you like burgers?”  Jess piped up, briskly shutting her notebook and pulling her bag onto her lap.

Sam nodded, not sure if her question was a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ to his question.

“Good.  I know a perfect place.  I’m _starving_.”  Tucking her book into her bag she looked up at Sam through the corner of her eye.  “Do you wanna get out of here?”

Before he realized it, Jess was standing and holding out her hand in an invitation to leave. 

“Yeah, sure.”  Sam didn’t need Jess’ assistance to get up, but she grabbed his hand anyway, tugging him behind her as they scampered out of the dim room and into the brightly lit hall behind the exit doors.  He tensed at the feeling of this stranger grabbing onto him, but she was persistent and wouldn’t loosen her grip.

“You’re paying, I’m driving.  I don’t quite trust you with my life yet.”  Jess tossed Sam a glance over her shoulder, winking while pointing to a small Toyota she was in route to.

“That is probably a good idea.”  Sam smiled despite the irony in Jess’ words.  If she only knew that he was prone to saving people from the things capable of doing more harm than a few clumsy run ins.  But he was far away from that life, and hopefully it wouldn’t come looking for him.

*****************************************

“Ohh my gawd, dis is sooooo goud!”  Despite the mouthful of hamburger, Jess hummed her satisfaction and happily chewed her food.  She had her elbows propped up on the table and was holding her half eaten lunch in front of her face.  “Like, seriously, this is the best damn burger I have had in a long time.”  She closed her eyes and took a violent bite of her burger, humming in satisfaction.

Sam sat back in his chair and laughed as he watched his new friend enjoy her food.

“What?”  Jess took a breather from her meal and returned it to the plate.  Looking up at Sam, she blinked innocently, wiping away condiment remnants from the corner of her mouth with the back of her hand.

“Nothing.  You just remind me of someone, that’s all.”  Sam’s smile was a weak one, mind still rattled with thoughts of Dean’s enthusiastic, yet sometimes disgusting, eating habits.

“Someone back home?”  Jess took a drink of her soda before pushing away from her meal, suddenly more interested in Sam’s furtive expression.

“Just someone.”  Taking a bite of his burger,  Sam avoided Jess’ eye contact.

Shrugging mischievously, Jess took the bait and leaned forward in curiosity.  “Where exactly is home?”

Swallowing his mouthful of soda, Sam let out a sigh.  “Technically it is Lawrence, Kansas but I’ve moved around a lot since I was a baby, so home is a lot of places…or no place.”

“Are you a military brat?”

“What?  No…but it is something like that.  We were always on the move.”

“We?”

“Yeah, my dad, brother, and I.”  Sam took a hasty bite of his burger and chewed thoroughly in order to avoid talking about Dean.

“You miss them?”  Jess  cocked her head to the side.  “I mean, I thought I would be glad to be away from my parents, but I miss them something terrible right now.  Especially my mother’s homemade dinners.”

“I…”  Sam sucked on the side of his cheek in thought.  He didn’t miss his father, but he did miss Dean.  As hurt as he was that Dean hadn’t tried to follow him or do anything to stop their father’s anger, he understood that it would have been a moot point.  It felt strange being this far away from the one person he hadn’t been apart from for more than a day.   “I had an interesting life Jess.  I miss parts of it, but there was more bad than good.  I needed to get away from it.  And I would also rather not talk about it.” 

“I hear you.  I’ve had my fair share of shitty situations that I needed to get myself out of.  I mean, I had this asshole boyfriend back home who couldn’t seem to get it in his head that we were over and I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore.  He actually had the nerve to think I would take him back after he slept with my best friend.  Needless to say, she isn’t my best friend anymore.  But I…”  Jess brought both of her hands to cover her mouth.  “Oh my god…I’m rambling aren’t I.  And you don't know me from a hole in the wall.  I'm sorry…I guess I miss my friends more than I miss great hamburgers. It's just really nice to talk to someone, I’ve been so wrapped up in moving into my dorm and getting my schedule in order than I haven’t had much time to actually be social and I really…ohh shit, I am doing it again, aren’t I?”  Jess paused and rolled her eyes at her own expense.  “What about you?  Do you miss your friends?” 

Letting out a laugh, Sam realized Jess’ quirky attitude was infectious and despite just having met her, he felt instantly connected to her.  She was easy to get along with and her friendly demeanor made him feel like he was a normal college freshman, out with a normal college friend, for a normal college lunch.  With Jess, it seemed that the biggest problem was missing a friend or picking the right course.  Saying the wrong thing during this conversation was not a matter of life or death, and that was a first.  “I moved around a lot, remember?  I didn’t have enough time to really make a friend, let alone keep one.”

Sitting back in her seat, Jess picked up a french fry and flicked it at Sam, hitting him directly on the nose before the man even had a chance to swat it away.  “Well you got one now.”  Her laugh rang through the small eatery. 

“Are you sure you are willing to risk your life by voluntarily spending more time with me?”  He picked up her discarded fry and flung it right back at her, hitting her on the cheek.  "I mean, you never know.  I could accidentally spill my soda on you or step on your foot and break your toes."

Squinting her eyes in mock thought, Jess shook her head up and down.  “I think I am willing to take the risk.  Besides, I like you Sam.”

“Well I like you too Jess.”  Sam let loose a genuine smile.  “And I haven’t had much time to be social either…It is a long story that I am NOT telling you right now, but my arrival here was a little unsettling, and I have been so busy getting my shit together and moving into my dorm that I feel like I can’t keep my head above water.”

“You are quite the mysterious handsome new stranger Sam Winchester.” Jess clicked her tongue and winked before returning to her meal, taking a huge bite out of it a giving Sam a food filled smile.

“Well you will just have to survive several more hangout sessions with me to figure it out.  Till then, I am keeping the mystery alive.” 

Jess swallowed and followed up with a sip of soda.  “So, do you come with an equally mysterious girlfriend?”

“What? No!”  Sam realized his answer came out too quickly and more forcefully than he intended, sending a quick blush up his cheeks.

“Do you have a boyfriend?”  Jess gave a sideways smirk as she watched Sam choke on his soda, his blush deepening.  She grinned at the flustered man’s silence.  “I’m taking your silence as a yes.”

“No…I mean…well no!”  Sam ran a hand through his hair.  “It’s complicated.”

“Yeah, I am starting to get the gist that there are a lot of complicated things in your life.”  Pausing, Jess swiped her hand at Sam to indicate that she would be fine with anything Sam could possibly tell her.  “Thankfully, I am not one of them.  I tell it like it is, and I do what I want.”

“And you seem blissfully uncomplicated Jessica Moore.”  Sam toyed with his french fries, happy to be off the subject of his sexuality.  The truth was, he didn’t know how to answer Jess’ questions.  He didn’t consider himself gay or straight.  He had really only been with Dean….well technically there were others, but mostly just Dean.  While he considered himself an equal opportunist, he mostly saw himself as Dean-centric.  And besides, it didn’t matter right now, because focusing on school and himself for once was the only thing he cared about.  Although, he thought having Jess along for the ride wouldn’t be too terrible.

“Yeah well… now that you fed me, I am probably going to stick around.”  Holding a finger up to Sam, Jess fished around in her purse for a moment before pulling out her class schedule.  Flicking her wrist towards Sam, she offered him the print out.  “Do we have any classes together?”

Sam took the paper and scanned the course numbers, his eyes falling on the English class they both shared.  “Yeah, English on Tuesdays and Thursdays with professor Keane.”

“Oh great!  My friend Brady is in that class too.  You have to meet him.  You’ll love him.”  Jess sat up straight, pushing her hair back and swinging her chair towards Sam’s.  “You and me….well, we could get into some trouble Sammy.”

Sam tensed at the sound of the nickname on Jess’ tongue. 

“Sorry.  I mean Sam.”  Jess nodded apologetically.  “I don’t know about you, but I lived under strict rules back home,”  she paused when Sam let out a noise of understanding, “and I intend to cut loose.”

“You and me both,”  Sam swung his chair so he and Jess were face to face, “Jessie.”  All he could do in response to Jess’ dissatisfied frown was launch another french fry at her, this time hitting her square on her pert little nose.

******************************************

Sam was able to get through half of September without actually calling his brother.  He had tried.  He had picked up the phone after one week of being at Stanford but couldn’t muster the courage to dial.  What would Sam say?  “I miss you?”  “Come visit me?”  “How are things?”  He was the one that had decided to leave, and he knew Dean wasn’t on board with that plan.  He had abandoned his brother, and regardless of the hurt Dean’s final silent stare caused, there was no pretty way to take the blame off his own shoulders. 

He had been in California two weeks before he was able to dial most of Dean’s phone number.  The disappointment he felt in not being strong enough to make it on his own without turning to his older brother made him hang up the phone before dialing the last number.  Three days later he dialed the whole number but pressed down the receiver before Dean’s line even had a chance to ring.

After a particularly grueling Calculus class, a hang out with Jess and Brady in which something possessed him to spill an edited version of his home life, and a disheartening glance at his pathetic bank account, Sam dialed all ten numbers in a moment of complete and utter emotional abandonment.

This time he let the phone ring. And ring. And ring.  Dean’s voice mail picked up, the sound of his brother’s voice piercing through Sam and shooting a shuddering gasp through his body.  Made bold by spending hours talking himself into finally calling Dean, Sam hung up only to put the phone to his ear again, his fingers moving over the numbers on the keypad with familiarity.  The phone rang again.  This time Dean picked up before it went to voice mail.  All pretense of composure fell away, and Sam grasped the phone with both hands, holding it close to his mouth.  “Dean!”  His voice was too eager, too excited.  It was nothing like what he had rehearsed in his head.  He was supposed to show Dean up.  Show Dean he could make it all on his own.  Show him he didn’t need anyone to take care of him.

“Sam?” Dean’s voice came through the phone, sounding as far away as they were geographically

“Yeah.”  Biting his lip, Sam wasn't sure how to proceed.  “Hi.”

“Sam, I can’t talk right now…I”

Dean’s words brought Sam’s heart down a notch.  “Ohh…okay.  It’s just…well…I havn’t heard from you since…” Sam heard commotion over on Dean’s end, but he wasn’t able to make most of it out.  He thought he heard something crash and maybe his father’s voice.

“Damnit…”  Dean’s curse was muffled over the line.  “I can’t…Not now Sam.”

Without warning, the call was disconnected, and Sam was left holding the phone against his ear until it started beeping to alert there was nothing or no one on the other line. 

Moving in slow motion, Sam brought the phone back down to its cradle before sinking down onto his bed – his empty, cold, lonely bed.  Calling Dean was supposed to turn his shitty day around, not make him feel like it couldn’t possibly get any worse.

******************************************

The first three weeks of classes had come and gone and, aside from a slip up or two, Sam was starting to let his past stay in the past and forge a future for himself.  He had friends, he was already impressing his professors and for once his ability to speak in Latin impressed people for more scholarly reasons than exorcisms. 

If this was what normal felt like, he was starting to think he could get used to this.  Smiling, Sam pushed open the door to his dorm room, not expecting to be greeted with a three year old crashing into his legs.  He took a step back in surprise before kneeling down to the child’s level.  “Oh hey.  What’s your name?”

Hands shoved innocently in his pockets, the little boy flashed a huge smile.  “I’m Jack!”  He gave Sam a toothy grin before squealing when Sam’s roommate, Jason, came up behind him and scooped him up into his arms.

“Sorry about that Sam, my brother was supposed to pick him up an hour ago, but he got held up.”  Jason tossed Jack over his shoulder and spun around before putting the child back on the ground.

“That’s okay.  I just didn’t expect to run into a three year old on our campus.”  Sam ruffled Jack’s hair before standing up and walking over to his desk.  “He’s a cute kid.  Is he your nephew?”

“Yeah.  I told my brother and his husband that I would watch him for a few hours today while they were in town on business.  That was four hours ago.”  Jason’s words may have been out of frustration, but he was clearly enjoying his time with his nephew.  “I just love this kid!  I am surprised how much I missed him this past month.  Before I came to Stanford I spent pretty much every day with him.  Well, it would be hard not to since I lived with my brother…but still,”  he bent down and tickled Jack, “I miss seeing him every day.”

“Uncle Jay…stop!” Jack let out a peel of laughter and ran away from the attack, hiding behind Sam’s legs.

Sam pulled the child up onto his lap, laughing along with the wiggling boy.  “Sorry Jack, he can be kind of annoying sometimes.”

Jack didn’t have time to reply, because Jason was pulling him into his arms again, this time throwing him onto his shoulders, much to Jack’s delight.  “Well, either way, I got a call from my brother right before you came in.  He should be here within the hour to get Jack out of your hair.”

Sam smiled at the child’s bright eyed expression.  “Nah, it is okay.  Like I said, he is a cute kid.”  Turning away from his roommate, he swung his chair towards the computer in front of him.  “Hey Jay, how did you do on that Chem lab this week?  I wish we were partners because mine would rather spend time focusing on the teacher’s ass than the task at hand.”

“I don’t know man…Isn’t this where I usually piggy back on your brain power?”  Jason leaned against the wall, pulling his wiggling nephew off his shoulders and letting him return to playing with his toy cars on the other side of the room.

A noise at the door drew both men’s attention towards it, their heads turning just in time to see Jess burst in the room.

“Hey boys! I…”  she scanned the room and saw Jack sitting calmly on the floor, “Hey, cute kid.”

“He’s my nephew.”

“Ahh ha.”  Jess put her hands on her hips.  “You saddled with him all night?”

“Nope, just for another half hour.”

Jess’ eyes lit up and so did the room.  “Well, that’s good because Sigma Phi Epsilon is having a party and I scored us an invite.  You are sooooooooo getting your asses in gear and coming with! Please, Sam!  I can’t go without my partner in crime!”  She latched herself onto Sam’s side and blinked up at him with her best puppy eyes.

With one big palm, Sam pushed her away ‘tsk-ing’ at her.  “You are incorrigible.”

“So you’ll come?”

Jason smacked Sam on the back of his head for even hesitating an answer.  “Hell yeah he’ll come!  And of course, I will grace you with my presence as well.”  He smirked and dodged a jab from Sam.  “Jess, I have no idea what happened to make you two attached at the hip…but you need to work on this boy’s party drive.  There is more to life than just classes Sam.”

“Maybe I just don’t like spending all my time with cocky bastards like you.”  Sam rolled his eyes at Jason, but he was already being pulled out of his chair by an excited Jess.

Unfortunately her excitement wasn’t contagious because, two hours into the party, Sam was feeling like shit.  He was certain he was having fun at first, and meeting up with his other friends had held his interest for the first hour, but now he was lingering against the wall nursing a beer.

Even the idea of drinking a beer was turning his stomach.  He wasn’t up for the buzzing party going on around him.  It took too much energy for him to put on a happy face and pretend that everything was okay, that he was having a great time. 

It was too much.  Sam didn’t know what he would have thought of large parties had he grown up around them, but coming from a life of traveling in a small group, the sheer amount of people around him was unsettling.  Maybe he would get used to it, but one month into being on his own was clearly not enough time to adjust.

Jess crashed into him, literately rattling him out of his thoughts.  “Hey Sam!”  She leaned against him, looking up into his unenthused eyes.  “Wait…what’s wrong? You okay?”

“I’m fine Jess.”  He took a swig of his beer, swallowing loudly.  “You look like you’re having fun.”

“Well I was.  But you don’t look like you are.  Are you missing your boyf-, your ‘complicated’?”

Sam shrugged and downed his beer, hoping it would make him feel anything other than the longing feeling Jess just asked him about.  “Something like that.”

“Do you wanna get out of here?”  Her eyes were all concern, her previous jubilation forgotten.  She put her cup down on a nearby table and hooked her arm though Sam’s.  “Because I’ll go with you, if you need to get out of here.”

Sam’s only response was a nod, his eyes thankful that Jess understood him. 

“Alright then.  Lets go.”  She smiled again, a reassurance that Sam had grown accustomed to.  “Maybe we can stop at Jack In The Box and you can even buy me a smoothie and burger.”  She tugged him towards the exit, both of them blissfully ignorant to the things going on around them.

As they left, Sam was unaware that at the same time the phone in his dorm was ringing; only, no one was around to answer it, leaving the sound to reverberate in the empty dorm room, and filling the caller’s ear with the disappointing sound of an unanswered call.


	3. October

September fell off into October faster than Sam realized.  With a month of college classes under his belt, the longing homesick feeling in his gut was starting to dissipate.  With each passing week the feeling that perhaps he made a mistake in so suddenly jumping the ship that was his life was starting to change into the realization that his decision was worth it.  What was comforting was the fact that almost all his friends had second thoughts about leaving there home life and starting their own path at college.  He was normal having very _normal_ teenage college student feelings.  True, none of his friends came from such an intense life as he did, but he did understand what it was like to miss something you were familiar with. 

Sam sighed and shoved the rest of his laundry into the machine, leaning most of his weight on the door to keep it shut and lock the handle.  He had been so bogged down with class work and working a part time job at the admissions office that he hadn’t had time to do a proper load of laundry in a long time.  After putting in a few quarters and detergent he took a seat at the empty bench across from the row of washing machines.  Thankfully, the place was deserted, only a maintenance employee mopping up what seemed to be an overflow from one of the machines, and he could get some reading in.

No sooner than he had opened his book, a wave of nausea ran through his body.  Closing his eyes, Sam let out a deep breath, hoping it would pass as quickly as it had come.  Trying to ignore the feeling, Sam opened his book again and attempted to focus on the chapter, but the nausea came back, this time even stronger than before.  Not knowing what could have prompted such a sudden queasiness, he closed the book again and let his head knock back against the wall.  All he could do was close his eyes again, trying to focus on anything other than the intense urge to retch.  He didn’t remember the last time he had actually been sick and tried rewinding the events of his day to pinpoint the possible reasons for feeling so ill.

He opened his eyes, brown irises darting across the layout of the laundry room.  They fell on the man mopping in the corner and he could have sworn that he smelled the old, dirty water soaked mop sweeping across the tiles.  Just the thought of the germ infested rope material was enough to make him vomit, but the sudden nausea building in his stomach intensified it.

Unable to stop himself, Sam bolted from the bench and flew over to the utility sink at the corner of the room just in time to empty the contents of his stomach into the deep basin.  His hands gripped at the edge of the sink, holding him up as he lurched forward and threw up, the bitter taste of bile making him gag and groan.  He dry heaved several more times before he was certain that his stomach was empty.  And then, as quickly as it had started, the nausea passed.

Sam turned on the cold water tap and washed away his mess, grateful for the second time that night that he seemed to be the only student in the room.  Cupping some water in his palm, he rinsed out his mouth before splashing some onto his face to rid himself of the cold sweat that had broken out across his forehead.

He had forgotten how much he hated throwing up.  Doing it again reminded him of a time when he was 5 and had cried to 9 year old Dean about being sorry for throwing up all over their favorite blanket.  Innocently, he had been more concerned about getting in trouble for making a mess than he was about feeling sick.  He begged forgiveness when all of a sudden he threw up again, prompting him to cry to Dean about being afraid to throw up again because he really hated it, and it didn’t feel good.  Dean had made everything better with a clean blanket and a factious story about how if he threw up enough now, he wouldn’t have to do it again when he was older.  The story worked, and Sam stopped worrying.

If only things were as simple as they were then.

Not knowing exactly what had come over him, only knowing that he was glad it seemed to have passed, Sam resumed his place on the bench and in his book.   In two hours he found himself with a batch of washed and folded clothing and his readings for class completed.  Yawning, Sam stretched out the kinks in his back from sitting hunched over his books and tucked his belongings into his shoulder bag.  He took a glance at his watch and realized that it was later than he thought.  Feeling like hitting the hay rather than fighting off exhaustion,  he hoisted his clean clothing into his arms and made his way back to his dorm.

*****************************************************

By the middle of October the weather was still beautiful, and it gave Sam a longing to spend more time outdoors and less time inside.  It was for this reason that he had suggested to a bunch of his friends that they have a quasi picnic outside rather than go to the student center for lunch before their afternoon classes.  Well, it was the weather and the fact that he was on an extremely tight budget and bringing a bottle of water and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to the park was perceptibly cheaper than eating out. 

He jogged up the hill, noticing that Jess and Dylan had already claimed a spot on the grassy area.  “Hey guys!”  Plopping himself down next to Jess,  he stretched his legs out in front of him.

“Hey handsome.”  Jess blew him a kiss before popping a strawberry in her mouth, the natural juices intensifying the red of her lips.  She tugged at the hem of her dress, pulling it low enough so that she could sit cross legged.

“You know, the way you talk to him…It could make a guy jealous.”  Dylan came up behind Jess, sitting so that she could fit between his spread legs.  He yanked on the back of her dress, sending her tumbling into his chest with a peel of laughter.  She looked up at him in time to see him bend down and kiss her on the forehead.  Pulling upright again, he made eye contact with Sam.  “Heya Sam.”

“Hey Dylan.”  Sam smirked at the two in front of him.  “You know you better treat my girl good or I will be forced to hurt you.”  He raised both eyebrows in mock intimidation and then let out a laugh of his own.

Blinking up at Dylan before pulling free of him, Jess scrambled to her feet and moved to hug Sam from behind.  “Aww, you two play nice.”  She ruffled Sam’s hair slightly before squeezing him tight.  “Don’t worry Sam, you’ll always be my number one guy.”  Pinching his cheek, Jess giggled, a noise that betrayed her actual age and maturity justice.

Sam swatted at her but she was persistent and he gave in to her attention, eventually giving her a quick peck on the cheek when she brought her face alongside his.

Dylan rolled his eyes.  “And there you go again, with the jealously inducing - I dunno what to call it - Sam and Jess antics.”  Dylan’s words were lighthearted, but he pulled his girlfriend away from the taller man in playful possessiveness.

“I’ve been dating you for two weeks.  I’ve been telling him," Jess jerked a thumb towards Sam, "all my secrets for practically Two months.”  She stuck her tongue out at Dylan and popped another berry into her mouth.

“Ohh by all means Dylan, take her!  And take her rambling stories too.  I could use a break!”  Sam put his hands up in defeat, laughing at Jess’ pout.  “I kid, I kid Jess.  You’re my best girl, rambling stories and all.”

Jess made an “awwww” sound and softened her eyes.  She snuggled deeper into Dylan’s arms but blew another kiss at her best friend.

“You guys are weird, you know that, right?”  Jason's voice startled the group as no one had noticed his quiet approach until he took a seat in their little semi circle.

“You’re just jealous because you wanted to get into Jess’ pants and she spends her time letting Dylan do that and the rest of her time with me.”  Sam twisted open his water and took a long drink.

“Sam!” Both Jess’ and Jason’s voice echoed together, Jason punching the taller man on the shoulder while Jess landed a weak jab to his side.

“What?”  Feigning ignorance, Sam shrugged before grabbing a handful of strawberries and starting to munch on them.  Jess was looking at him with furrowed eyebrows, but he watched her face melt away into one of concern.

“Umm Sam?” Jess pulled out of Dylan’s arms again and crawled on her knees towards Sam.

“Hmm?” 

“You’re bleeding.”  She pointed to his nose while trying to gather up some napkins with her other hand.

“What?”  Sam swiped the back of his hand across his nose, surprised when it came away with bright red blood.  “Oh shit, I didn’t even realize.”

“Here, tilt you head back a little.”  Jess crawled over to her friend and wiped away the blood before applying gentle pressure with the napkins.

Sam’s hand came up to cover Jess’, embarrassed that he was now the center of their small group’s attention.  “I got it Jess.”

Clicking her tongue, Jess pushed Sam’s hands away.  “Oh stop.  Just let me take care of you.”  She rose, still on her knees but more level with Sam’s head, and lifted the napkins slightly to see if she had staunched the flow of blood.  Unfortunately she hadn’t, forcing her to move the napkins in a quick swipe to absorb a new trickle of blood.  “This is pretty intense.  Do you get these often?”

“I can’t remember the last time I had one.”  Sam leaned his head back, starting to feel more than a little lightheaded.  It wasn’t from the loss of blood, it was from the formulating taste of it in the back of his mouth. 

Jess reached for a new napkin, replacing the bloodied one and happy to see that the blood flow had slowed considerably.  “I think it is stopping. But keep your head back a little longer just to play it safe, okay?”  She took Sam’s hand and placed it over the napkin, allowing him to take control of the situation.

“Yes mom.”  The napkin pressed to his nose made Sam’s voice come out nasally.  He closed his eyes, wishing away the shaky feeling the blood was giving him.  He waited another half a minute before removing the napkin, happy to see that the blood flow had stopped.

Jason scanned the bloody debris scattered around Sam.  “Damn, do you have any blood left in that brain of yours?”

“You better hope so, or your chemistry grades are going down the shitter.  Now can we stop worrying about me bleeding to death and eat something?  Because I am starving and I only have thirty minutes before my next class.”  To make his point, he grabbed his sandwich and unwrapped it before taking a huge bite.

The rest of their lunch was unremarkable but it still preoccupied him and Jess for too long, causing them to skid into English class several minutes late, quietly sneaking into their seats so as not to disturb their classmates or professor.  Sated and happy from his lunch, Sam was surprised when the same queasiness he felt a few days ago came crashing into him in the middle of the processor's discussion of Gabriel Garcia Marquez.  Hoping he could swallow it down and push it away, Sam tried to focus on the lesson at hand, but the nausea was unshakable.  He must have made a face because he became aware of Jess looking at him and mouthing “what’s wrong?” 

He was about to tell her nothing or not to worry, but he knew that was a lie.  Jumping up from his seat and sending the chair's legs to drag across the titles loudly, Sam rushed for the door, not concerned with being quiet.  All he wanted to do was make it out of the room before he was sick in front of all of them.  The feeling inside his body swelled and he cupped both hands over his mouth, delaying his retching just long enough so that he could make it to the men’s room and vomit into the sink.  In a repeat of last week, Sam pitched forward, heaving his lunch and anything else that was in his stomach into the sink. 

Coughing a couple of times to clear his throat and make sure he was done, Sam looked at his reflection in the mirror in front of him.  He looked fine, he felt fine – aside from the brief nausea.  So what the hell was going on with him?  Rubbing his temples, he took a cleansing breath before washing his hands and face.  As he smoothed down his shirt front, he contemplated going back for the remainder of class, but he didn’t want to face all those people looking at him.

Letting out a silent curse, he realized that he would have to return to his seat for two reasons: one, his books and shoulder bag were still in the room and two, Jess was probably about to send a search party out looking for him.  Sighing, he rolled his shoulders back and walked into class as quietly as possible, earning him a few curious stares regardless of the fact.  As he sat down he mouthed to Jess that he was fine.

Jess mimed someone retching in response and then give Sam a questioning glance.

All he could offer her in response was a shrug because he had no idea why he had gotten sick or if he was, in fact, okay.

**********************************************

The rest of Sam’s week went off without much of a hitch and his sickness was almost forgotten.  Instead, he was too busy trying to ignore the festivities his friends were busying themselves with.  Despite how much he hated celebrating Halloween, he had somehow gotten suckered into going costume shopping with Jess after Dylan bailed on her.

“I hope you know that the fact I am even here is a deep sign of my affection for you.”  Sam’s voice dripped with sarcasm while he waited on a stool outside the changing room as Jess tried on yet another skimpy version of a Halloween costume staple.

Jess’ voice chirped through the flimsy curtain separating the two of them.  “I don’t get why you hate Halloween so much.  Do things that go bump in the night scare you?”

Under his breath, Sam replied,  “More than you know.”  He turned his head to face the changing room as Jess spread the curtains and stepped out dramatically.

“So? What do you think?”  She did a little twirl before posing with one hand on her hip.  She ruffled the full, albeit short, red skirt with her other hand before pulling up the hood.

“It’s cute in an ‘I wore this for my class pictures in first grade’ kind of way.”  Sam leaned back a little and watched Jess fuss with the bodice.

“I’m little red riding hood.”  She turned away from the mirror and faced Sam full on.  “Dylan is supposed to be the big bad wolf.”  She stood sideways in the mirror and examined her profile.  “So?  Yay or nay?”

Sam crossed his arms over his chest, trying to figure out if he liked the costume or not.  It fit Jess perfectly, but that didn’t mean he liked Halloween costumes anymore than before.  “Yay I guess.”

“Ohh, thanks for your ever enthusiastic reply.”  With one last glance in the mirror she turned back towards her friend.  “Sam?”

Sam twitched his nose and felt a warm trickle of liquid run down his upper lip.  “Crap…again?”

“Shit.”  Jess looked around absently for a moment before grabbing her purse.  “Hold on, I have some tissues in my purse.”

Sam tried to pinch the bridge of his nose but it didn’t seem to matter.  He felt the blood dripping down his face and used the back of his hand to wipe it away, only smearing it worse.  Within a minute, Jess was hovering over him, pushing a wad of tissues into his hand and helping him staunch the blood flow.

“This looks worse than last time Sam.  Maybe you should go get checked out.”  She bit the corner of her lip nervously, focusing on slowing Sam’s blood flow.

“I’m fine Jess, it’s just bad luck on my part.”  He tilted his head back, hoping the blood would stop before Jess ran out of tissues.  “I am just…”  Out of nowhere the taste of blood flooded his senses and the phantom nausea blossomed in his gut.  “Fuck!”  Sam groaned and tried counting to ten to calm himself down, but he knew before he began that it would be a pointless battle.  Pushing Jess out of the way, he fell on his knees in front of the small garbage can in the fitting room, vomiting into it loudly.

“Sam!”  Jess’ eyes widened and she fell to her knees beside her friend, pushing his hair away from his clammy forehead.   She ran one hand across the span of his back, rubbing soothing circles into his hunched over spine.  Upon hearing a choking noise from the man, she spoke softly.  “Shhh, it’s okay.  Let it out.”

Sam moaned as the nausea ran its course, this time not dissipating after he clearly had emptied his stomach.  He still felt queasy and hot and way too confined in the small changing area.  It felt like he needed to get out of his skin because whatever was in his skin was making him sick.  Letting his legs give out, Sam fell to the side, resting his head against the wall of the changing room.  “Shit…Jess I’m sorry.”

Jess sat back on her heels, taking a good look at Sam.  His violent episode had left him with blood streaked down his face and a light gleam of sweat covering his forehead.  She pulled another tissue from her bag and gently dabbed away the blood, still bright red and wet.  “You don’t need to apologize.”  She touched Sam’s cheek softly, the sympathy in her movements and words blatantly apparent.  “But you do need to go to the doctor.”

“No, I’m okay, I just…”

“Don’t give me that bull.  Jason said you were sick again two nights ago.  These nose bleeds and your nausea…that’s not normal Sam.”  Jess pushed Sam’s hair back, studying his pale complexion.  “You need to get checked out.  Please?  For me?  I worry about you sometimes.”

Sam pulled her hand away from his forehead and held it in both of his own.  “Ok Jess, Ok.”

*****************************************

Jess’ request had landed him in the Stanford Medical Clinic, but it was his symptoms that landed him in an exam room waiting for test results.  Sam fiddled with the edge of his paper gown, starting to wish he hadn’t even come in the first place.  Since his incident two days ago at the costume shop he had felt fine.  But Jess insisted, she even got Dylan on board with her idea.  So, Sam relented.  He flipped through an old car magazine that was left in the room, not sure why he even bothered to pick it up.  Telling himself it was to pass the time, he was able to forget that he knew the real reason.

The door to the room opened and a middle aged doctor walked in, all smiles and bedside manner.  “I’m sorry for the wait Mr. Winchester.”  He flipped a file open and studied it a moment before taking a seat next to Sam.

“That’s okay.  I kept myself occupied.”  Sam held up the magazine briefly before tossing it to join the others on a small table in the corner of the room.  “So,” Sam looked around the room, uncomfortable with the awkward silence between he and the doctor, “do you need to do some more tests?”

“No, the ones I ran helped me pin down the cause of your symptoms.”  The doctor smiled softly and pushed the medical file onto the counter.

“And?” Sam made an expectant gesture with his hands.  “I hope it isn’t serious.”

“Serious to your health? No.  But it is serious.”  Rearranging his glasses, the doctor swung his stool to face Sam head on.

“So what is it?”  The nerves in Sam’s stomach started to act up.  He had told himself there was nothing wrong with him, but now the doctors words made him feel like that type of ignorance was only a defensive tactic in an attempt to keep himself guarded.

“You’re pregnant.”

Sam’s jaw dropped, sure he had misheard the man. “Wh-what?!”

“Pregnant.”

Laughing nervously, Sam widened his eyes in disbelief.  “No…No that’s not possible.”

“I am afraid it is.  Both your blood tests and urine tests came back positive.  And your symptoms makes sense too, although not that many people experience nosebleeds so early, they can happen as early as 6 weeks into the first trimester.”

“I don’t care if they came back positive.  Do them again.  It’s not possible.”  Panic bubbled in Sam’s veins, bordering hysteria.  He was certain the doctor made a mistake, that he grabbed someone else’s file.  There was no way he could be pregnant.

The doctor put a reassuring hand on Sam’s leg.  “Mr. Winchester, calm down.” Grabbing the medical file again he flipped through some pages before looking up at the young man.  “It is entirely possible.”

“But I haven’t…” Sam tripped over his words, nerves making his breathing come faster.  “But I haven’t had sex since….shit…” Hitting him like a tidal wave, the events of the night before he left for Stanford came flooding back to his memory.  “That fucking bastard!”

The doctor waited for the light bulb to go off in Sam’s head and gave him a moment to take it all in.  “So, I take it this wasn’t immaculate conception after all?”

Sam was staring off into nothing as he responded, still not able to wrap his mind around what was happening.  “No I…Oh god…”  Bending over to rest his head in both hands, he tried to talk himself down from a panic attack.  This was never supposed to happen.  This wasn’t even in the realm of any situation he thought he would have to deal with at college, let alone at age 18.  “This isn’t happening.”

“Take it easy son.  Deep breaths.”  He listened to make sure Sam was following his orders before continuing.  “That’s it. Nice and slow.”

“I’m sorry.  I can’t….oh god.”  Sam tried to look up at the doctor but dizziness hit him and he went back to holding his head in his hands.

“No need to apologize.  I see this more than you think.  Why don’t you just lie back, okay?” 

Nodding silently, Sam leaned back, covering his eyes with the crook of his elbow.  The doctor was right, everything made sense: the nausea, the nose bleeds.  If Dean was here now he was certain he would kill him.  They had always been so careful, they had to be.  But one stupid little slip up, one he knew was wrong and still did it anyone, came back to bite him in the ass.

“Listen Mr. Winchester…”

“You can call me Sam.”

“Okay Sam it is.  I am going to do an ultrasound on you just to see exactly what we are dealing with.  Ok?  It won’t hurt, but it might be a little cold and uncomfortable.”  He flipped on the ultrasound machine when he saw Sam nod slowly.  Pushing aside the younger man’s paper gown, he squirted a dollop of gel on his smooth abdomen before rolling a transducer through it.

Sam wiggled subconsciously as the man applied light pressure to the ultrasound wand.  His curiosity got the best of him, and as much as he was dreading the confirmation that he knew was coming, his eyes were glued to the screen to his side.

Moving the transducer along Sam’s belly, the doctor stopped when he located what looked to Sam to be a blurry blob surrounded by blackness. 

“That’s your baby.”  The doctor pointed on the screen directly to the thing Sam had labeled as a blob.

“My what?”  Sam’s head felt hazy and muddled with disbelief.

“Your baby.  It looks like you’re about  9 weeks along, but the embryo looks good so far.  Baby is in a good place.”

“That’s in me?”  Knowing it was a stupid question, Sam asked it before giving it too much thought.  “I can’t do this.”  Sam pushed himself into a sitting position, causing the ultrasound wand to lose contact with his abdomen, making the image of his child disappear.

The doctor watched Sam’s panicked look.  “Listen Sam, I know it might not be my place, but no one is forcing you to do anything you don’t want to do.  You have options.”

“Options?”  Sam wrapped his arms around his middle, feeling too vulnerable and unsettled to think clearly.

“You don’t have to have this baby if you don’t want to.  There are people you can talk to, things we can do.”

The 18 year old let out a shaky breath, holding back from breaking down into tears.  “What kind of things?”

“Well for starters there is adoption.  If you don’t think you can handle having a child at this time in your life, there are plenty of wonderful families who are looking to adopt.”

Sam nodded.  He knew all of this, but his brain didn’t seem to want to think straight.  “And if I don’t want to have the baby…at all?”

Raising his eyebrows slightly, the doctor put a hand on Sam’s knee.  “Well, then there is always the option to abort the fetus.  You are still well within the time restraints.  If you think that is what is best for you, then you can schedule to meet with another doctor or even a councilor and try to figure out what works best for you.  Regardless of what you choose Sam, you have options.  No one is serving you up a death sentence.”

Swallowing hard, Sam shook his head rapidly, blinking back tears.

“I’ll give you some time to let it sink in.  Take all the time you need.  And I will leave some information for you at the front desk.”  The doctor grabbed the medical file and stood beside the young man.  Before he left the room, he gave a reassuring pat to Sam’s back.  “You’re going to be okay son.”

Sam wished he could believe those words, because right now, all alone in a cold examination room, he felt anything but okay.  Curling into himself, arms wrapped tightly around his middle, Sam let the tears fall down his cheeks, the paper gown darkening as each tear fell.

**************************************************

Sitting in his dorm room, Sam was glad Jason was out for the night.  He needed to think and he needed to be alone, so it was nice he could do those things in the closest thing he had to a home.  True to his word, Dr. Mitchell had left him with reading material, and a good deal of it.

He thumbed through a pamphlet about pregnancy, not quite sure what to make of it.  There were statistics about babies born to unwed teen parents and another page went over the cost of having a child.  It all seemed too much…too much to handle right now, and too much to handle in the near future.  Sam figured he would have kids one day, but when he was settled and able to support himself, not when he had just run away from his family and subsequently the baby’s other father.

The statistics were stacked against him.  He had no money, no job, no degree, no place to live, and no partner to help support him.  It would be insane to think that he could responsibly raise a baby at this point in his life.  Selfishly he had wanted to accomplish so much more in his life before putting things on hold for a kid.  Being a teen dad was not part of his future plans.

Putting that pamphlet aside for a moment, he grabbed several about abortion.  Sam knew the general idea of how abortion worked, but he never paid attention to the gritty details.  He supported the right for someone to choose, but he never put much thought into if he would ever want to go that route – mostly because he never thought he would have to go that route.

After reading a particularly gruesome page of the pamphlet, Sam tossed it aside, covering his mouth to prevent the gagging.  While he understood why some people felt abortion worked best for them, he couldn’t envision killing his baby.  It was part of him and Dean, and no matter how much Dean hurt him over the last months, he could never kill a part of someone he loved so much.  He didn’t want this baby, but that didn’t mean it deserved to die.  The thought of putting his body through that process left a foul taste in his mouth and his heart hammering in his chest.  Swallowing away the sick feeling, he gathered up all the materials about abortion and dumped them in the trash.

Cocking his head to the side, Sam picked up an informational magazine about adoption.  Eyes blurry with tears, he skimmed the main points, not sure if he was strong enough to give his baby up.

Putting the magazine down for a moment, he reached across the desk to pluck a tissue from its box.  Once he dried the lingering tears in his eyes, he caught sight of the phone.  He knew he shouldn’t call, but he needed someone.  He needed Dean.  Taking a long gulp from his water bottle to steady his voice, Sam picked up the phone, dialing the numbers fast before his nerves made him hang up the phone.  It rang twice before someone picked up, no one saying anything at first.

“Dean?”

“Sam?  What the hell are you doing calling this number?”  John’s voice blared through the receiver.

“Dad?”  Sam hadn’t been expecting that.  And like a deer in headlights, he was frozen with the phone pressed tight to his ear. 

“Why the hell are you calling Dean’s phone?  I thought you knew that when you walked out that door you were done with us?”  John’s voice screamed in Sam’s ear, yet he was too shocked to move the phone away.

Tripping over his words, Sam tried to maintain any type of resistance.  “I just wanted…I needed to ask Dean something…”

“Well I am done with you and so is Dean.  Lose this number Sam.”

“Dean didn’t say that dad.  He would never say that!”  Aware that his voice was bordering on overly emotional, Sam didn’t care.

“Oh really?  Is that why he asked me to answer the phone and tell you to stop calling him?  To stop bothering him?   You abandoned him Sam.  Any loyalty he once felt towards you is gone.”  The bite in John’s voice was harsh, intending to wound Sam right at his core.

“I abandoned YOU dad! YOU!  Never him! I just need to tell him something…”  Sam’s words got cut off by his father’s angry yelling.

“You just _nothing_ Sam!  I meant what I said, I am washing my hands clean of you.  If you need help, don’t call this number.  If you want forgiveness, don’t call this number.  I am done, and so is Dean.”

“But I…”  Sam realized that it didn’t matter, because even if his father hadn’t hung up on him, he would never give the phone to Dean.

If Dean was really done with him, then he could be done with Dean too.  Sam let the phone fall back onto the cradle, and his fingers tracing over the cover of the adoption magazine.  Maybe he could wash his hand clean of Dean.  Maybe he could give away a baby Dean wouldn’t want.

**********************************************************

Jason was awoken by the sound of Sam puking his guts out.  “Whatever you have, you better not give it to me.”  Jason lazily rolled over in bed and turned on the desk light, illuminating Sam crouched on the floor by the waste basket.  He looked like complete shit, hair a wreck and dark circles under his eyes.

“Don’t worry Jay, you can’t catch watch I have.”  Sam’s words were bitter and hopeless and he curled around the waste basket as he vomited into it again.

“Jesus Sam, are you okay?”  Sleep rapidly disappearing from Jason’s eyes, he pushed himself out of bed and crouched down beside the taller man.

“I’m fine.  Go back to bed.”  Sam was about to attempt a weak smile, but his stomach revolted again, and he gripped onto the waste basket as he gagged.

“You are not fine.”  Jason got to his feet and retrieved a water bottle from their mini fridge.  “Besides, how do you think I am supposed to go to sleep with the sound of you retching all night long?”  Coming back to the ground beside Sam, he offered the man the water bottle.

“You’re right.  I’m not fine.”  Sam tried to take a sip of water and swallow it but his nerves and the nausea made him cough it back up into the waste basket.  He felt like his world was spinning and he couldn’t stifle a frustrated cry.

“Hey Sam, what is it? What’s wrong?”  Jason held up his hands, showing Sam he didn’t know what to do or what his friend needed.  “You okay?”

“No…I’m not okay.”  Sam sat back onto his heels and blinked away a few tears.  “I’m pregnant Jason.”

Jason’s eyes went big, clearly not expecting that bombshell. “W-what?”

He didn't mean to shout, but his words came out in a desperate revelation. “Pregnant!”  Sam covered his face with his palms, letting the tears eek out of his eyes.

“Shit.” Jason’s voice was a whisper.  He grabbed for his phone on the desk beside them and dialed Jess’ number.  The time between the call connecting was awkward and he fidgeting nervously.  When he heard noise over the other side of the phone, he practically jumped into his response.  “Jess, it’s Jason.  Listen, I don’t care if you were sleeping.  You need to get over here now.  Right now!”  He paused, making a frantic movement with his hands.  “Sam needs you.  You need to get here, and fast.” 

Jason slammed his cell phone shut and went back to his friend, pulling one of his hands away from his face.  “Hey, it’s going to be okay Sam.  I called Jess, she’ll be here soon.”  Not knowing what else to say, Jason just sat beside the taller man, trying to comfort him.  “It’s going to be okay.”

No one was more relieved than Jason when Jess, hair in a sloppy ponytail and wearing oversized sleep clothes, showed up at the dorm.  She pushed her way towards her best friend, crawling on her knees towards him.  “Hey handsome.”

When Sam heard Jess’ voice his head jerked up, his watery eyes meeting hers.  “Ohh Jess…”  Sam’s body shuddered as a sob raked though it.  He hadn’t meant to tell his friends like this, but it was too heavy a secret to keep any more.  While he didn’t want to be their sympathy case, he needed them, especially after his father’s revelation about Dean.  “Jess I’m…”  He couldn’t get the words out, because his breathing was coming in hitched sobs.

“Shh.”  Jess pulled Sam into her arms, his huge body fitting awkwardly against her slender one.  “It’s alright.”  She ran soothing circles across his back and held him as tightly as he was holding on her.

“I’m pregnant Jess.”  The words felt strange rolling off his tongue, but there they were, for everyone to hear, for everyone to judge.

“Ohh honey.”  If Jess was shocked, she did a good job keeping herself in check.  Instead, her voice was heavy with concern and worry for her friend.  “It’s going to be okay sweetie.  I’m here.  We’ll figure it out.”

The sincerity in her voice was just strong enough to make Sam think that maybe she had the right idea.  That maybe they would figure it out.  That maybe he would be okay.  But right now he felt like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders and no one to help him hold it up.


	4. November

After having a total break down at the end of last month, Sam found it almost impossible to evade any of his friends’ concerned questions.  Somehow he pulled it all together long enough to get through midterm week but now that he didn’t have that deadline to focus on he found himself constantly fixating on his due date at the end of May.  With no scholarly deadline at hand other than his final exams, Sam suddenly found himself with a whole lot of time to do a whole lot of thinking.  He had so far evaded all of Jess’ and Jason’s pregnancy related questions about how and who, but his friends weren’t going to put up with that for much longer.  Wanting to go through this conversation on his own terms, he called Jess and asked her to stop by after class.

While Jess may have turned out to be the needier one in the early months of their friendship, Sam found that she adapted surprisingly well to taking on all of his newly discovered emotional baggage.  It seemed that whatever information Sam threw at her, she was able to swallow it down without even flinching.  Having tried so hard not to let his past follow him to Stanford, Sam was having a hard time willingly bringing up the actions and faces responsible for his current situation.

As much as he wanted to bury all of those recollections, the reality of the situation was looming over him as he thumbed through the adoption informational reading material for the hundredth time.  Slamming the booklet down on his desk he stood to throw out the remnants of his breakfast sandwich and arched his back.  In the process he caught site of his side profile, the almost negligible swell of his stomach showing as his shirt rode up due to his arms rising up in a stretch.  Swallowing hard, Sam’s eyes lingered a minute on the unfamiliar softness before he tugged his shirt down vigorously.  The sight, though unnoticeable to most, was shocking.  Keeping both of his hand over his abdomen, as if their presence would hide the inevitable, he let his eyes slide closed.   It didn’t make sense but sometimes Sam felt like if he wished hard enough then he would somehow find a way out of this mess that he very much was not ready to deal with.  He added more pressure to his hands, pressing in against the tiny swell when he felt a wave of nausea roll through him.  Having gotten used to the “eat, throw up, eat, throw up” pattern, Sam didn’t even try to keep the contents of his stomach where they belonged.  Clenching his jaw and cupping his mouth with one hand, he bolted out of the room towards the shared dormitory bathroom, colliding with Jess in the process.

“Sam, what the…”  Jess whirled around, regaining her balance and trying to focus on Sam steadying himself.

Sam held up a palm to Jess, signifying that he needed a moment, before setting out towards the bathroom again.  He wrinkled his nose in discomfort, turning his brisk walk into a jog and bounding into the bathroom with enough time to swing himself into a bathroom stall before retching into the toilet.

The entirety of his breakfast sandwich made an encore appearance and then the nausea was gone as quickly as it had come.  Hanging his head a moment, Sam stayed on his knees trying to find the motivation to finally tell Jess the whole truth.  Hiding out in the bathroom was a false security because he knew it wouldn’t stop Jess from coming in after him and it wouldn’t actually solve anything.  He gripped the side of the stall and pull himself up, instinctively dusting off his pants in the process.

When he returned to his dorm room, he found Jess perched on his roommate’s bed flipping through one of the pamphlets he had left on his desk.

“Did you just go throw up?”  Jess’ attention turned immediately to the man who just walked in the door.

Sam nodded pathetically before ripping the booklet out of Jess’ hands and slamming it back down on his desk.  He rubbed his temples briefly before grabbing his half started bottled water and taking a large gulp from it.

“Pregnancy really sucks huh?”  Jess sat cross legged on Jason’s bed, her feet pulled under her body.

“Yeah…apparently it is extra sucky for me.”  Sighing, the taller man collapsed onto his desk chair.

Cocking her head to the side sympathetically, Jess’ voice dripped with concern.  “You’re still getting nose bleeds?”

“All the fucking time.  I don’t even want to know what the professors or other students think about me.”  Sam cringed, possible scenarios forming in his mind.  “They probably think I am on drugs or have some weird eating disorder or something.”

Jess snorted a laugh despite herself.  “No they…” She paused in mock though.  “Yeah, you’re probably right.  Those situations are much more feasible than teen pregnancy.”  She promptly shut up as Sam hurled a box of tissues at her head, deftly ducking out of the way.  “You sure you don’t want those back?  I don’t want you hemorrhaging over there.”

“Shut up Jess.” Sam actually laughed, but it was weak and halfhearted.  “Hemorrhaging doesn’t seem so bad right now.”

Bright eyes blinking rapidly at her friend’s last statement, Jess perked up.  “Sam!  Don’t even joke about that.  I was just trying to lighten the mood.”  In an instant she was on her feet, standing in front of Sam’s seated form, her height finally not an issue.

Rolling his eyes at her, Sam let his head loll back onto the chair’s headrest.  He had thought he was kidding too, but he realized Jess must have picked up on a note of sincerity he didn’t purposely put into the statement.  “What am I going to do, Jess?”

Jess smiled softly, making Sam remember why he wanted to confide in her.  “What do you want to do, Sam?”

That was the million dollar question.  What he really wanted was to go back in time and make sure Dean didn’t screw him without a condom…no matter how right it felt…no matter how much he wanted it.  Since he hadn’t mastered time travel yet, he would have settled for actually trying to solve this problem with Dean, but apparently his brother was as thrilled to have Sam out of his hair as their father was.  This left him with, in his opinion, dismal options.  “I don’t know what I want.”

“Well, I can’t tell you what to do sweetie.  But I can listen if you feel like going though the options.”  Jess backed off a bit and pulled over Jason’s chair so that the two of them could talk face to face.  “Did you try calling the baby’s other father?”

Sam nodded solemnly, huffing out a sigh as he did.

Putting a reassuring hand on Sam’s thigh, Jess leaned forward.  “And based on the mope-fest over here, I take it that your “complicated” didn’t react too positively?”

“Dean.”  Sam bit his lip and stopped avoiding Jess’ eye contact.

“Huh?”

“His name is Dean.  The baby’s other father…”  The admittance of the one name he hadn’t told anyone about felt like a lead weight on his tongue, making his words heavy.

Raising an eyebrow, Jess pulled back slightly.  “Dean.  So “complicated” finally has a name?  Well I assume that “complicated” and the baby’s father is the same person.”

“Yeah…Dean, well he’s my…”  Sam rolled the words over in his mouth.  It was bad enough that he was an 18 year old, single, pregnant man; he wasn’t ready to admit that he was also having sex with his brother.  In his new world, his world at Stanford where no one knew his past or his relations, Dean could be whoever he wanted him to be.  It may have been for this reason that he had never given his friends the name of his brother or father; they had always just been “brother” or “father”, a safe generic form of family relationship.  “He is this guy I was sleeping with.  It wasn’t anything serious…I don’t even think he considered it a relationship.”

“But you thought it was serious.  You love him, don’t you?”

Sam blushed fast and deep.  “I…well…I did.  But it…well it was complicated, like I’ve said.”  The truth was, Sam wished he could flick his love for Dean off like a light switch, but it was rooted in deep.  As much as he felt betrayed or hurt, there was a part of his mind that couldn’t give up that feeling.  So instead of killing it, he buried it.  Up until recently when the pregnancy started being a constant reminded of what he and Dean shared, his tactic had been working.  But now, when he was throwing up and bleeding out because of the physical expression of their love for one another, it was hard to keep it buried.

Jess’ palm started making comforting stroking movements on Sam’s knee.  “And you called him?’

Sam wasn’t on the verge of crying but he snuffled, feeling a little apprehensive about talking so openly about his past.  “I tried to on the day I found out.”

“And?” Jess leaned forward in anticipation.

“And well….let’s just say that I think Dean is done with me.  He has made that quite clear.”  Crossing his arms over his chest, Sam took a deep breath, letting it out in one big huff so that it fanned his hair out across his forehead.

“Well I think Dean is an idiot then.”  Jess straightened up in her chair and crossed her arms across her chest.  “If he wants to do something as foolish as hurt you in that way, then I think he is an asshole and you can clearly do better.”

Sam tensed.  As angry as he was, his instincts to protect Dean were still strong and Jess’ words put him on edge.

Jess must have caught his actions, because she piped up with, “I’ve said something to upset you.”

“No…You didn’t…not really.”  Sam shifted, pulling one leg onto the chair.  “It’s just that Dean and I spent a long time together, longer than you can imagine.  Maybe it is just habitual that I come to his defense all the time.  It may not have been serious for him, but it was everything to me.  I can’t be mad at him for letting whatever we had fall apart.”

“Well I’m sorry Sam, he sounds like a douche bag.  And doubly so because he is leaving you to deal with being pregnant all on your own.”  Jess held firm to her position.  “Which, I may add, is also his fault.”

“I know…It was a stupid mistake.  One time.  He said he wouldn’t,” Sam made a vague gesture with his hands, “you know,”  he made another gesture, “but something went wrong because here I am 10 weeks pregnant.”    Shrugging his shoulders, he shook his head in disappointment in both himself and Dean.

“You’re sure it’s Dean’s?”  Jess let the question slip out hesitantly.

Caught off guard by the question, Sam coughed.  “What?! Jess!!! Yes! Of course it is!  He’s the only one I’ve…well…yeah, he’s the only one.”  Even though he wanted to curl into himself and disappear, Jess was doing everything in her power to keep him present and talking.

“Okay, sorry, I had to ask.”  Pausing for a moment, Jess let Sam recover from such delicate admissions.  “Well, that only further fuels my dislike for the man.  I mean, you are a great guy Sam.  The best.  If someone wants to be that careless with your heart, then they do not deserve you.”’

Sam braved a glance at Jess, knowing her positivity would be contagious.  “Thanks Jess.  I may not be ready to label Dean as an asshole, but it does feel good having someone else do it for me.”

“Anytime.  It is just one of the many services I provide.  That and dealing with unplanned baby drama, I’ve gotten quite good at that as of late.”

Sam smiled a little, still feeling helpless but not feeling quite so alone.  “What I really want is for Dean to help me out with this…but he is M.I.A. so I guess it is all up to me.  And I don’t love having to make these decisions all by myself.”

Jess nodded, letting Sam get everything he wanted off his chest.  “Do you want to have this baby Sam?”

Sam hesitated, feeling that the admittance of his true answer would label him as a horrible person forever.  But this was Jess, and she hadn’t judged him thus far.  “No.  I don’t.”

Grabbing Sam’s hand, Jess nodded in encouragement.  “Okay then, that's a start.”

“I don’t want to abort it either.  I couldn’t do that.  No matter how much of my own shit I have to deal with and no matter how much hurt Dean has caused, I couldn’t kill his baby.  I don’t even want to think about it…I couldn’t…It’s not the baby’s fault, and I don’t want to…” Despite being aware of his rambling, Sam couldn’t keep himself from letting everything spill from his mouth in one big jumble of words.

Jess stopped him before he worked himself up to a bigger fervor.  “Shh..okay Sam, okay.  No one said you have to.”  She squeezed his hand tighter.

“Well I have to do something Jess.  I can’t raise a baby.  I have no money, no support system,”  Sam backtracked as Jess gave him a look, “No financial support system I mean.  No job, and no place to live.  I have no idea what I am doing.”  Pausing to take a deep breath, he looked up at the ceiling in an attempt to focus his thoughts.  “This wasn’t supposed to happen…not this way.”

The petite girl smiled at her friend even though her eyes were filled with a sadness.  “We’ll figure something out Sam.  I’m not going to let you be alone in this.  You’ve got me.”

Sniffling, Sam wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand.  “Yeah…I got you.”  He pulled the girl into a hug, letting his arms linger around her waist longer than usual.  She wasn’t who he really wanted at this moment, but she was all he had.  Her and Jason, who, although just as supportive as Jess, was not always the best at touchy feely moments.  When he pulled away, he felt marginally refocused.  “I need to figure out what to do soon.  I have to start telling professors before they really start suspecting something worse.  I need to make arrangements.”

Sam caught Jess’ eyes fluttering over to the desk behind him.  Tentatively, she baited Sam into more conversation.  “So what kind of arrangements were you thinking?”

“I was thinking of giving the baby up for adoption.  I mean…I can’t take care of it, so I was thinking someone else who wanted a baby would be a better choice.  Does that make me a terrible person?”  Sam’s voice was smaller than his size, betraying the original confidence he had in his decision.

“No! That makes you a wonderful person.  I mean…Sam…that is an extremely responsible decision to make.”

“You think?”

“Absolutely!  It means you love that baby enough to make sure it has a good life.  If you think you can’t take care of it the way it should be, then I think you are making a very responsible decision.”  Holding his hand again, Jess curled both of her small fists around his larger palm.

Sam hadn’t thought of himself as loving the baby.  He had practically cursed its existence, but he didn’t want anything bad to happen to his and Dean’s child.  “Well…it was just a thought.  I actually found an adoption agency just outside of Stanford.  I made an appointment with one of the adoption agents there for next week – you know, to talk about my options and stuff.  You wouldn’t want to…well I thought maybe you would…”

“Of course I will go with you!  Don’t be silly Sam!”  Jess’ reassurance made Sam feel like maybe he was making the right decision.

“Thanks Jess.  I mean, all of these thoughts have been colliding into one another in my brain.  As hard as it was, I think I really needed to get them out, to talk them out.”  Sam collapsed back into his chair, the relief that he had finally gotten his worries across to someone was almost palpable.  While he was afraid that admitting his thoughts would make him look like a horrible person or solidify the reality of the situation, it did help him feel like maybe he would be able to handle this…with or without Dean.

***************************************************

Sam hated waiting rooms.  There was something about them that made him feel increasingly vulnerable, as if he were suck out in the open with no one to cover him and everyone watching for his next move.  It was bad enough that he was waiting in a social worker’s office, making those around him to try and figure out exactly why he was there and what horrible deed he had probably done.  Attempting to read a magazine was pointless; the nerves in Sam’s stomach kept preventing him from making any logical meaning of the words.  Trying to have a conversation with Jess was also proving difficult, because all that came out of his mouth was that he felt like he wanted to throw up.  For lack of anything better to do, Sam fidgeted with the hem of his shirt as he waited for the adoption agent to call him in.

“Stop fidgeting Sam.”  Jess put a palm on his knee.  “It is just an initial meeting.  You aren’t signing your life or anyone else’s away.”

“You’re right.  I know.”  Sam bit his lip and went back to noticing how eerily quiet the waiting room was.

“Sam Winchester?”  A woman’s voice broke through the silence, prompting Sam to turn his head towards a pleasantly plump woman in her mid 40’s.

“That’s me.”  Sam rose and walked towards the woman, putting his hand out to accept her offered one.

“I’m Kathleen Gwier, but you can call me Kathy.”  She shook Sam’s hand with genuine kindness.  “It is a pleasure to meet you Sam.”  Kathy smiled before raising a questioning eye and looking over Sam’s shoulder at Jess, who had followed her friend’s trail.  “And you are?”

“Oh, she’s Jess.”  Sam’s eyes nervously darted between his friend and Kathy.

“Yeah, I’m Jess.  Best friend and moral support.”  Jess offered her hand and Kathy shook it.

“Pleasure to meet you Jess.”  Kathy smiled again and then turned towards Sam, gesturing towards the open office door in the process.  “Shall we?”

Sam hesitated, his feet seemingly locked in place.  “Can she uhh, can she come in too?”

“She can if you want her to.”  Kathy waited for Sam’s affirmative nod.  “Then of course she can come too.”  She held the door open a little wider and ushered the two teens inside.  “Sam, please take a seat.”  She pointed to an empty chair opposite from her desk.  “And you can sit right there dear.”  She guided Jess to a seat several paces from Sam’s.

“Thank you ma’am.”  Sam cleared his throat to fill the silence as he tried to make himself comfortable.  The room was pleasant enough and Kathy seemed like a warm person, but he guessed she had to be in order to be in the line of work that she was.  None of these facts helped the nervous energy making his heart feel like it was going to beat out of his chest.

“Please, call me Kathy.”  She took a seat across from the two and studied the tense man before her.  “I can tell you are a little nervous, so let me just start by telling you that whatever goes on between these walls stays strictly between you and me…and Jess…unless you want it otherwise.  You are in the driver’s seat here, so I don’t want you to feel like you have no control in this matter.  You called me last week saying you were 10 weeks pregnant and interested in talking about adoption, is that still the case?”

“Yes ma’am, I mean Kathy.  Only I am 11 weeks pregnant now.  But I have had several weeks to mull over some options and I still think adoption could be the best option for me.”  Sam looked at Jess for reassurance, which she gave in the form of a small smile and head nod.

“Can you tell me why you think adoption might be the right choice for you?”

Sam bit the corner of his lip before exhaling deeply.  “I’ve been thinking about that answer a lot over the last several days.  Um…I think it is the right choice because I don’t have a stable household or any type of family to speak of.  I have no way of taking care of this child.  I mean…I do want children, but when I can provide for them and for myself.  I’m in my first semester of college and I want to finish my undergraduate, maybe go to law school.  I can’t see myself doing that with a kid, nor would it be fair to the baby.  I want to get a good job first, get on my own feet.  I am too young for this.”  Sam smiled sheepishly before sinking back into his chair.  “I’m sorry, I am rambling.  I just….well it has been weighing on my mind pretty heavily.”

Kathy nodded understandingly.  “Well those are all valid reasons if that is how you feel.  The adoption process has come a long way and if you decide this is something you really want to do, we can come up with an adoption plan that works for you.  It will be what YOU want, not what someone is forcing you do.  Like I said, you are in the driver’s seat.”  She leaned forward over her desk, hand gestures punctuating her words.  “Have you given any thought to how you would want your adoption to go?”

“Umm yeah, some.  I don’t want any contact with the baby; I think that would be too hard.  I want to meet the prospective parents and make sure that they are going to give him or her everything that I would want for them.  But other than that, I don’t want to know about the baby’s life with them…I don’t think I could live with that.”  It felt strange to say these things out loud.  As difficult as it was deciding to give his baby up for adoption, he couldn’t image how much worse he would feel seeing him or her with some other family and knowing he couldn’t be a part of it.

“And what are the qualities you want the adoptive family to have?”  Kathy listened to Sam patiently, letting him figure things out on his own.

“Well, I would want them to be married; I don’t care about their sexuality, clearly that isn’t an issue with me.  I would like them to have a stable home where they can provide for the child.  I also want them to be educated.  It is something that has always been important to me, but it is also something I had to struggle to attain, so I don’t want my child to have the same issues.”  Sam felt himself on his way to getting overwhelmed by the severity of his decision.  His mind went hazy for a second.  He thought he heard Kathy say something but he couldn’t focus on the words.  Sniffling, he cursed under his breath, feeling the now familiar tell tale signs of a nose bleed.

Jess was in motion before he could even make a move.  He saw her dash towards the box of tissues placed on the corner of Kathy’s desk before dropping them on his lap.  She already had several in her hands and was attempting to staunch the blood flow.  “You okay, handsome?”  Her voice was a whisper, looking Sam directly in the eyes.

Sam’s hand came up to cover Jess’ and he took over putting his own pressure on his bloody nose.  “I’m good Jess.  Thanks.  I got it.”  Aware that his voice sounded nasally because of his attempts to stop the blood flow, he looked apologetically towards Kathy.

Kathy looked startled by the sudden movement before her, but there was an ease about her that told Sam she had seen much worse.  “Goodness Sam, are you alright?”  She perched herself at the edge of her chair.

“He gets these nose bleeds all the time.  The doctor said they're nothing to worry about.  The usually don't last very long.”  Jess watched Sam to make sure he was okay.  After a few moments of silence, her eyes followed him as he threw away the soiled tissues and used a fresh one to make sure the blood was indeed stopping.

Pressing the new tissue against his noise, Sam pulled it away to reveal that it was clean.  He turned it towards Kathy, “See, it stopped already.  Sorry about that.  I think it happens more when I am nervous, but the doctor said that shouldn’t really have anything to do with it.  It is something about increased blood flow or something.  Anyway, you were saying?”

Resuming her comfortable seat, Kathy smiled back at Sam.  “Well, if you are sure you are quite alright.”  Sam nodded.  “I was saying that usually we send people thinking about choosing adoption home with profile books.  They are books made by adoptive families that try to give you a basic understanding of what the family is like, what their values are.  It has pictures of them and important things in their lives.  I can send a few home with you. When you feel comfortable with it, you can look through them and pick a family you think is the best fit for your baby.  You have to come to a decision about what you think is best for you and if this is the right choice for you.”

Sam nodded again.  “Alright.”

Sam could have sworn that Kathy’s smile took on an edge of sympathy as she continued. “Sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is to be selfless and let go.  Letting go is not an easy thing to do and it does not mean that it will be without grief or loss.  It will be the hardest thing that you will ever have to do in your life.  But it might be the most important thing you choose to do.”

Not trusting his voice, Sam made a noise of agreement and shook his head up and down.  Everything Kathy said was what he already knew.  He had spoke to Jess about how hard it would be to give up his baby, but he knew it would be selfish to keep it without being able to provide a life he or she deserved.

“Well, I can pack up some profile books for you and we can meet again in a few weeks, or whenever you want to.  Just call the office and I can make room for you in my schedule.”  She stood up and crossed the room towards Sam, putting a hand on his shoulder.  “You are doing a very brave thing Sam.  I hope you know that.”

Sam had heard that before.  But if he was supposed to be so brave, why was he feeling like such a coward.

******************************************

Sam sat sprawled out on his dorm floor with his legs in a wide V, adoptive family profile books scattered in front of him.

He had been thumbing through them ever since he got back from English class and it was starting to overwhelm him.  Picking up a book he hadn’t looked at before, he flipped though it long enough to realize that the family seemed like nice people, but they were not what he was looking for.  They were too old and didn’t give off the vibe of a warm friendly household that he had always wanted.

“What about this one?”  Jason held up a book that Sam had found himself repeatedly gravitating towards.  “They seem really nice, and you gotta check out the size of that house!”

Looking at his roommate seated across from him, Sam reached over and grabbed the book.  He smiled at Jason, glad the man had offered to sit with him, that he had blown through all of Sam’s insistences that he was okay to do it himself.  The truth was, Sam really did not want to do this alone, but he felt bad roping Jason into it.  “I’ve looked at that one before.  And I don't care about the size of their house, by the way.  They could have a two room apartment for all I car, as long as they love my baby.  But, they do seem pretty amazing.”

“I think so too.  I mean, she plans to be a stay at home mom and he has a great job.  Plus, look at all their hobbies.  Man, they should just adopt me.”  Jason pulled one leg up to his chest.  “What are their names again? Brad and…?”

Flipping to book open to the first page, “Brad and Samantha.  They do seem pretty perfect."  He scanned their impressive statistics.  "I don't care how much money they make, but they both value schooling, which I think is really important.  And they look like really loving people.  I have gone back to this book at least three times.  The other families seem nice and I am sure they all deserve the opportunity to adopt, but no one really stands out like Brad and Samantha.”  Sam pressed his lips together in a sideways expression of thought.  Staring down at the book’s pages, it was hard to find a fault with the couple.  They were young, established, had a huge family support system, and valued everything Sam did.  It should have been a no brainer for Sam.  But he felt like the decision would be made so much easier if he had a partner, not just a friend, to help him out.

Jason watched Sam’s façade dissolve.  “So what are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking…”  Sam put the book down.  “Shit Jason, I am thinking so many things.  I am thinking I wish Dean was around so I didn’t have to do this by myself…I mean I know you are here, but I mean…”  Sam found himself cursing his messed up hormones, because, while looking through the books had almost left him on the verge of tears, thinking about missing Dean threw him over the edge.

“I know what you mean Sam, no offense taken.”

“It isn’t that I don’t appreciate your help.  Because I do.  You have no idea how much I do.  But I miss Dean.  I know you and Jess care about me, but this doesn’t really effect you the way it does Dean and I.”  Sam felt his eyes well up and a tear slip down his cheek.  He brushed it away with the back of his hand, but two more fell in its place.  “I am thinking about giving up my kid and it really really sucks.  I am thinking that I am really alone right now and no one knows how I feel.”  Sam went silent for a minute, allowing his tears to attack him before attempting to reel himself in.  He sniffled twice before brushing away the moisture from his face with his sleeve.  “But…. I’m also thinking that I am going to tell Kathy about how much I like Brad and Samantha.”

Jason was quite, not sure what to say to his friend.  “Sam, you're right.  This really sucks.  I have no idea what I'd be doing if I was in your situation.  But, for what it's worth, I think you're holding it together better than I would.  And I know I’m not Dean, but I am your friend, and I will be there for you if you need me to be.”

Sam swallowed hard.  “Thanks Jay…I appreciate that.”  Suddenly coming back down from his emotional rant, Sam felt vulnerable.  “Ohh my god I am being such a girl right now.”  He wiped the remaining tears from his face.  “I’m sorry…being pregnant sucks.”

“It’s okay.  I will just make fun of you later.”  Jason laughed and stood up, offering a hand to his friend.  He helped pull the taller man to his feet and they embraced in an awkward hug that was over as quickly as it started.

Pulling away from his friend, Sam caught sight of the digital clock on his dresser.  “Shit!  It is that late already!?  I told Jess and Dylan I would grab dinner with them 15 minutes ago.”  Sam turned and tugged on his hoodie.  “Are you sure you don’t want to come with us?”

“Nah.”  Jason waved Sam off.  “I have a ton of work to do, plus I have cold Chinese food waiting for me.  Have fun, and tell Jess and Dylan I said hi.”

“Your loss.  Hot Italian food beats cold Chinese food in my book.”  Sam smiled at his friend.  “And thanks again Jason.  I am glad I got stuck with you as a roommate…I don’t even want to think of what other assholes I could have found myself saddled with.”

“You’re welcome Sam.  No go before Jess kills you or worries herself into a frenzy about your wellbeing.”

Waving Jason off, Sam headed for the door.  “I’m going, I’m going.”

********************************************

Dean was in a shitty mood, in a shitty bar, in some shit town in the middle of nowhere.  He ordered another beer, one he probably shouldn’t have, and sulked on his stool.

He was tired and even the things that used to fill up his free time seemed to leave a big empty spot.

Taking a large drag of his beer, he let it fall back to the bar a little too roughly, making it slosh over the sides.

He flipped open his phone, then closed it, then flipped it open again.  He hasn’t talked to Sam since his brother left almost 4 months ago.  True, he hadn’t been able to reach Sam.  Every time he called the younger man he didn’t get an answer.  But Sam also hadn’t called him.

“Do you need me to teach you how to use one of those?”  A girl in a too short, too low cut dress slid onto the seat beside Dean.  She was practically oozing the type of cheap sexuality that Dean often sought to fill his nights and quota for physical affection.

“I can use it just fine, thanks.”  Dean slammed the phone closed and shoved it in his pocket, not giving the girl a second glance.

“It’s just that you have been staring at it all night, and I think there are plenty of better things to spend your time staring at.”  She leaned closer, arching her back and pushing her breasts out to make them appear larger than they already were.

“Is that right?”  This time Dean really looked at her.  He gave her a cocky sideways smirk, which she ate up just like they always did.

“Absolutely.”  She re-crossed her legs on the bar stool, her eyes raking over Dean’s form.  “I could give you some inspiration.”

“Listen…”  Dean paused to take another drink of his beer.  “You seem like a…nice person.  I am just not in the mood for some “inspiration” tonight.”  He gave her the same smirk as before, but this time she scowled at him.

“Fine…suit yourself.”  Without putting too much of herself on the line, she slid off the chair just as gracefully as she had slid on and slinked away towards her friends in the corner of the room.

Dean rolled his eyes, almost unable to believe that he had just rejected the easiest piece of ass he'd seen all night.  But then again, since Sam left, his whole life felt out of sorts.  Hunting with his father was as he expected it, but there was no reprieve from it.  With Sam, it was like finding a calm within the storm.  Without him, it was like he didn’t know how to keep going on with the regularly scheduled program.

Pulling his cell phone out of his pocket one again, Dean flipped it open, this time actually dialing the number he had found for Sam’s dorm room.  Despite the noise of the bar, he could hear the ringing clearly, hoping someone would pick up.

“Hello?”

“Sam?”  Dean’s voice betrayed his sobriety, coming out a little too eager and a little too slurred.

“Um, no.  This is his roommate, Jason.  He isn’t here right now.”

“Oh”

“Can I take a message for him?”  The voice on the other line…this Jason person…sounded confused.

“No…It isn’t important.  I’ll call back.”  Dean didn’t wait for a response.  He closed the phone and returned it to his pocket.  He didn’t know why it made him frustrated that Sam was out when he himself was doing the same thing, but it did.  Sam had been out every time he called.

Downing the rest of his beer, Dean got off his stool and sauntered off in the direction that the girl he had just met went.  If his brother could go out, then he could drown missing Sam with something else.

Tapping the girl on the shoulder, she whirled around.   “I thought you were going to spend the whole night with your phone?”  The girl’s voice was harsh but there was longing beneath it.

“Yeah, well…I figured I did need some inspiration after all.”  He pulled her close to him and it felt wrong but at least it was a feeling.

“Well, prepare to be inspired.”  She smiled, her glossy lips catching all the light in the place, as she tugged him towards the exit.


	5. December

Sam had been staring at the phone in front of him.  It had becoming his least favorite but most frequently occurring past time.  He didn’t even know who he was specifically thinking about calling.  His last few weeks had been a rotation of calling Kathy, Brad and Samantha, and his doctor.  Now, ever since Jason told him about an anonymous drunken caller from the week before, Sam had added Dean’s name to the rotation.  Only, he couldn’t muster up the courage to call his older brother.

Though Jason said the man hadn’t given his name, Sam was sure it was Dean.  His roommate said he sounded drunk or annoyed.  Based on the time of the phone call, and guessing the actual time difference between where he was and where he thought Dean would probably be, it made sense that Dean was at a bar.  What he couldn’t figure out was why Dean was even calling him if he was, as their father had said, _done with him_. 

Swallowing hard, he picked up the phone and dialed Dean’s cell phone number, praying his father wouldn’t pick up this time.  When the phone switched over to voicemail he hung up.  Somehow he didn’t think leaving a message saying, “I’m  4 months pregnant with your baby and giving it up for adoption” would go over well.

Part of him was glad the phone went over to voicemail because he didn’t actually know what he would say to Dean if the man had picked up.  Though it was avoidance in its truest form, it gave him another day of not having to bite the bullet. 

Another part of him was tired of getting the run around.  He was only three weeks away from Christmas and two weeks away from the end of the semester.  Instead of focusing on finals, he was busy remembering that he had no family or loved ones to spend the holiday season with.  This was constantly reinforced by peers sharing their winter break plans and asking him what he was doing during the intersession. 

Knowing that he needed to get down to the library to work on a massive research paper, he was forced to put all those thoughts aside.  He was glad that his habit of always staying one step ahead in his school work was still intact because at the end of the semester it allowed him a little wiggle room.  His paper was already well under way and if he took a day or two to deal with pregnancy related things he would still be right on track.  Despite being absolutely exhausted most of the time and throwing up the other half of the time, Sam didn’t allow himself to slack off.  He couldn’t.  He had worked too long to prove to everyone that he could do this and his pride wouldn’t let him pity himself enough to allow for a slip up somewhere in his master plan.

Standing back from his desk, he stretched out.  As of late he had caught himself staring at his reflection in the mirror every time he did so.  Because of his height, the swell in his middle didn’t look quite as large as it felt to Sam.  At a little over 14 weeks pregnant, his belly was slightly rounded, but it looked more pronounced when he arched his back in a stretch.  Sam used to hate the visual reminder of what he had to deal with but now he thought it was kind of cute.  And even though he didn’t hate it anymore, he didn’t love it either.  Hiding it was easy because pulling on a hoodie or zipping a sweatshirt over it helped it blend into the bunching of loose fabric.  But he could swear it looked a lot bigger since last week and hiding it was just going to get more difficult.

A knock at his door let him know that Jess had arrived, but she didn’t wait for his response to let herself into his dorm.  She was dressed in sweatpants and a zip up hoodie, bag slung over her shoulder and hair pulled away from her face.  It was what Sam came to know as her ‘let’s do hard core school work’ look.

“Hey handsome.  How you feeling?”  Jess bounced over to Sam and stood on her tippy toes to hug him tight.

“Pregnant.”  Sam’s sigh blew his hair off his forehead.

“I meant other than pregnant.”  Jess playfully nudged Sam’s shoulder before crossing her arms over her chest.

“No, seriously Jess.  I mean look at this.”  He pulled up the hem of his shirt and sweatshirt, exposing the rounded flesh he had been studying moments ago.  “I look so…pregnant.”

“No…You look like you stopped going to the gym and drink a lot of beer.”  Jess rubbed Sam’s belly quickly before he yanked his shirt down and scowled at her.  “Seriously Sam, you are so teeny.  My sister was much bigger at 15 weeks.  It’s cute.”

Sam wasn’t having any of it.  He still felt vulnerable and big.  Not being used to being anything other than skinny and lanky, the belly was a huge difference.  He was certain that it was a flashing red light that alerted everyone to his condition – a condition he wasn’t ready to tell the world about.  “It might be cute, but it isn’t teeny.”

Rolling her eyes, Jess shifted her weight.  “Oh please.  You’re a giant.  That thing,” she gestured to Sam’s middle, “is tiny.  Besides, it is going to get bigger so you should probably get used to it.”

“Thanks for the reminder.”  Sam sighed again and rearranged his clothing until he was satisfied with his appearance.  “I know I am probably over exaggerating, but I have never had any spare weight on me.  It just feels weird.  Besides, how am I supposed to feel when I need new pants?  I am lucky mine were a size too big on me because even now they are getting tight.  You have dragged me shopping with you on more than one occasion.  This time I am taking you.”

“Deal.  But you are sooooooo helping me on my paper.”  Jess smiled, and repositioned her bag, holding onto the cross body strap with both hands.  “You are so good at this research stuff.”

“Yeah, I’ve had a lot of experience doing stuff like that.”  Sam smiled thinking about his allocated spot in his family's usual hunting trips.  As he got older, his position as techie researcher became more solidified.  At first he was flattered that his father finally recognized strength in him, but then he realized John thought he could do little else.  “I am mostly done with my paper anyway.  So I should be able to help your ass out of the frying pan…. _again_.”

“My hero.”  Jess hooked her arm around Sam’s and they walked together towards the door, Sam grabbing his bag on the way out.  “You’re too damn smart for your own good Sam.  How on earth do you keep on top of everything, do it better than everyone else, and go through the drama with…well, _you know_?”

“I have to Jess.  If I want to keep my scholarship I have to keep my grades over a 3.25 and take at least 5 courses per a semester.  I also have to stay in school as a full time student.  That does not leave much room for error.  And this scholarship is the only thing I have going for me so I do not intend to fuck it up.  There is no way I could finish school without it.”  Sam pushed the door open for the two of them, letting Jess exit before he followed and locked it behind them.

“You are something else Sam Winchester.  Has anyone ever told you that?” 

The petite girls eyes smiled up at him and Sam felt the sincerity of the compliment mixed with the weight of a memory attached to it.  “Yeah…once.  A while ago.”

Jess’ mouth turned into a frowning pout.  “Dean?”

“Yeah…but it doesn’t really matter, right?”  Sam smiled down at his friend before he was interrupted by his stomach growling.  He looked at it in shock for a moment before an idea popped into his head.  “And by the way, since I am helping you, you are buying me lunch.”

Giving her friend a curious look, Jess spoke skeptically.  “Are you still throwing everything up?”

“Yep.” 

“Then I will buy you two lunches.  One for you to throw up, and one for you to eat again when you realize you are still hungry.”  Jess pulled Sam closer to her, craning her neck so that she could look up at him.  “Just don’t throw up on me.”  Sticking her tongue out in distaste and disgust she crinkled her face up.

“Damn, that was the plan all along.”  Sam laughed, letting himself leave his drama in his dorm room for once.

*******************************************

If Sam thought he was nervous the first time he was in Kathy’s office, then what he felt at the current moment was deserving of the highest dose of anti-anxiety medication.  While Jess, Jason, and even Dylan had offered to go with him, he wanted to meet his baby’s adoptive parents on his own.  It was his burden to shoulder.

Sitting in Kathy’s empty office while the woman went out to meet and escort Brad and Samantha in gave him plenty of time to formulate catastrophic expectations of how their initial meeting would go.  What if they didn’t like him? What if he didn’t like them? What if they made him realize he was making a huge mistake?

But the thing that really scared him was the thought that they might be perfect.  What if they were everything he could ever wish for his child?  What if they were amazing and sweet and nurturing and understanding?  What then?  They could potentially prove to him that he could never give his baby everything it should have.  This should have been good, but inside he was feeling pathetic and useless.

The door to the office opened slowly and Sam’s head snapped towards it.  He bit his lip and stood up to greet the people Kathy had behind her.

“Ok, here we are.”  Kathy led the young couple into the room.  “Sam,  I would like you to meet Brad and Samantha.  They are sorry for the delay, but their flight got in a little late.”

“No, that’s okay.”  Swallowing hard, Sam found his voice and held his hand out to the man in front of him.  He tried to get a grasp on his character but his brain was having a hard time focusing on anything more substantial than Brad's nice clothing and all American good looks.

“Hi Sam, I’m Brad.  It is so nice to finally meet you.”  Brad shook Sam’s hand and gave the young man a genuine smile.  “And this is my wife, Samantha.”

Sam went to shake the small blonde woman’s hand but instead she pulled him into a hug.  Recovering from his surprise, Sam hugged back.

“Sorry!  I am a hugger.”  Samantha gave Sam one last squeeze before pulling back.  “I am just so happy to meet you Sam!  I am Samantha, but everybody calls me Sammi.  Which I thought was funny because I am sure everyone calls you that too.”  The woman was practically bouncing with excitement as she smiled up at the taller man.

Sam deadpanned.  “No.  They don’t.”  Catching the distaste in his voice before it damaged the couple’s first impression of him, he brought back the sunny demeanor.  “It is nice to meet you two also.  I’ve been so nervous of this appointment.”

“Oh sweetie, don’t be nervous.  From what Kathy told us about you, you seem like a wonderful person and you are doing a very selfless thing.”  Sammi was smiling up at him again, blinking at him with doe eyes.  "And something we are _very_ appreciative of."

Kathy closed the door to her office once all were finally inside and cleared her throat.  “Well, now that we all know each other, let’s sit, okay?”  She smiled at the people in front of her and took a seat in the chair behind the desk while gesturing to the empty seats for everyone to fill.

Brad slowly lowered himself into a seat beside Sammi and the two instantly found each other’s hand, giving a squeeze.  “Well, there has been quite a build up to this.  We have been hearing all about you for the last 3 weeks.  We can’t tell you how thrilled we are that you wanted to meet up and that you want to give us a chance to be parents.”

Sam, aware that all eyes were on him, shifted uncomfortably in his chair.  The couple in front of him seemed perfectly loving and were practically bubbling with excitement.  I almost made Sam feel some excitement for them too…but not quite.

As if she picked up on his hesitation, Kathy filled the silence.  “Well Sam is only 15 weeks along, so we have a few more months ahead of us.  So, what I thought we could do today is get to know one another a little better.  I could ask some questions to take the pressure off of Sam.  How does that sound?”

“Great!  I am _so_ looking forward to it.”  Sammi’s voice rang with a genuine quality that Sam didn’t expect.

“First of all, how did you two meet?”  Kathy leaned over her desk slightly while interlacing her fingers.

“We met at college…”  Sammi would have kept speaking, but Brad cut her off.

“Around this time actually; almost the end of the first semester of our freshman year.  I saw her walking to a class from across the hall and I knew that I had to meet her.  4 years later we were married.”

“Wow…You make it seem so simple.”  As soon as the words left Sam’s mouth he realized he had spoken his internal musings aloud, making a blush spread across his cheeks.

“Well, it wasn’t that simple.  There were a lot of bumps in the road.  But I knew he was my soul mate and marrying Brad has been the best decision I ever made.”  Sammi smiled up at her husband who didn’t seem to be embarrassed by her open display of affection for him.  If anything, he gave it right back to his wife.

“And what do you two do for work?”  Kathy streamlined the conversation, making sure the four of them didn’t go down any road for too long.

Sammi turned away from Brad to give Sam her happy smile again.  “I am a dental hygienist.  But I plan on taking a lot of time off to be a stay at home mom.  The dentist I work for knows that and he is on board with the plan.  If I choose to come back to the field one day then we will have to play it by ear.” 

“And I work in a laboratory.  I don’t know how interested you would be in some of the work I do, but currently I am working on genome decoding, specifically cancer strains.  It can be boring at time but I’ll be able to make enough money to support Sammi staying at home with a baby.”

Sam raised his eyebrows at Brad, not quite sure how to respond.  He had no idea what the couple had done for a living up until now, and somehow he thought they might scoff at the fact that his family hunts the paranormal for a meager living.

Kathy interjected again, her calming voice making all in the room focus on her.  “As a couple, when did you decide you wanted to start a family?”

Brad looked at Sammi and thought for a minute.  “Oh…I would say about 2 years into our marriage.  We started trying and nothing happened.  We didn’t worry, because we believed all things would come in their own time.”

Biting her lip, Sammi finished for her husband.  “It turns out that I was infertile, which brought us to an adoption decision.  We knew from the day were decided to have a family that there was a baby out there to complete our family.  We have so much love to give and we have faith that we will be blessed in finding someone to give it to.” 

Sam thought he saw Sammi’s eyes tearing up but she wiped them quickly with the side of her hand.  He felt guilty that there was a family sitting in front of him who wanted very much to have a child to care for and he was pregnant with a baby he didn’t plan for.

“Well Sam, why don’t you tell Samantha and Brad what your expectations would be for your baby’s future.”  Kathy turned her attention to the young man, nodding her head to give him confidence. 

Sam, caught up in Samantha’s tears, coughed softly and then cleared his throat.  “Sorry, it is still hard for me to wrap my head around and talk about.”

“It’s okay honey.  Take your time.”  Sammi reached out and patted his knee.

“I want my baby to be raised in a family that loves him or her.  I never had a really stable household and moved from place to place for my entire life.  I want the baby to have a place to call a home, someplace safe.  I never had that.”  Sam realized his eyes are watering up.  He always felt emotional about this topic but it never brought him to the verge of tears before.  Blaming hormones, he sniffled and rubbed at his eyes with his shirt sleeves.  “Sorry…”  He tried to talk but he just hic-coughed and let another tear fall down his cheek.  He found himself curling his hand around the small swell of his middle, lingering there longer than he would usually allow himself.  He still wasn’t used to the roundness under his hand but it felt better to keep a protective palm in place.  “I just want him or her to be taken care of every day.  To celebrate every holiday and milestone as a family.  To have parents who love him or her no matter what.  Because I never had that and I wish I did.”  Sam was almost full out crying by this time.  He reached out to grab the tissue Kathy was holding out to him and blew his nose.  Samantha made a soft cooing noise that he thought must have been one of sympathy, because she was still patting his knee reassuringly.   Revealing all of that information to someone other than Jess made everything more real for him.  It also made him feel like a kid, like the little brother that never could seem to be good enough.

When Sam had calmed down considerably, Brad cleared his throat.  “We value all those things too Sam.  You can trust us to make sure that your child has all of that love and support…that is,”  he paused to wring his hands nervously,  “if you feel comfortable enough blessing us with your baby.”

Running a hand up one side of his face and through his hair, Sam scratched the back of his neck in search for something to do.  Brad and Samantha seemed perfect.  They were a little too mousey and jumpy, but he figured that was nerves and excitement.  He was feeling awfully nervous himself so he felt he had no right to judge that fact.  But, they were loving and sweet and clearly devoted to each other and wanted this child very very very badly.  “You’ve given me no reason to not feel comfortable.  You guys are an amazing couple and you will be great parents.”

Without warning Sammi clutched her hands under her chin and hopped to her feet.  “Really?”  Before Sam figured out what she was doing, she attacked Sam with another hug, her petite form not having much difficulty in embracing Sam’s larger seated one.  “Ohh Sam, that is so wonderful.”  She held onto the man, squeezing him around the shoulders.  “Thank you!”

Sam was aware that Samantha had started crying because he felt a wet tear hit the base of his neck.  He didn’t expect to get so caught up in the emotion of her response, but he found himself hugging her back, his large arms wrapping around her back as tears welled up in his eyes but didn’t fall – not yet.

When Samantha pulled away from the hug both participants spent a moment wiping their eyes before composing themselves.  Looking at Kathy apologetically, Sammi grinned sheepishly before sitting down beside Brad, grabbing his hand again.

Brad, holding fiercely to his wife’s hand and still a little overwhelmed from Sam’s disclosure, let everyone in the room settle down before speaking.  “Sam….Thank you.  What you are doing…well…you're making our biggest dream come true.  But we have to ask,”  Brad hesitated, making evident of the fact that he didn’t know how to proceed.  “What about the other father?  Is he on board with this?”

Brad’s question, while valid, produced emotions so drastically different than the ones he had just been riding.  Sam’s eyes looked to Kathy and then the couple beside him.  “He isn’t in the picture.”

After her long silence as a bystander, Kathy piped up.  “Sam said he doesn’t even know about the baby and seems to be resistant to talking to him.  But don’t worry, there are plenty of cases like this.  If he can’t track down the father to tell him himself then all Sam has to do is make a public announcement, through a small news paper ad or such, and there will be no problems adopting the baby out to you two.”  The juxtaposition of her cheery demeanor and the sincerity of the situation left Sam unsure how to feel.

Sam knew Kathy was right but he still wanted to vomit.  Somehow, in his world, a 30 word ad in a newspaper had become a replacement for the support and assistance of his brother.  In the eyes of the law that fact may be true, but the harshness of it was detached and cold.  But that was the world he was living in now and he was feeling the freeze.

*****************************************

Sam tossed several new jeans and shirts he and Jess had just bought into his duffle bag, looking directly at the girl while doing so.  “Are you _sure_ that your parents are okay with me coming to spend Christmas with them?”

“For the last time - YES!  They are positive!  They would love to have you.  Plus, there is no way my best friend is spending the holidays alone moping in an empty part of the school.  I just won’t stand for that.  You are coming with me, you are going to enjoy the break, and you are going to put a genuine smile on your face.”  Jess’ shoulders fell in mock defeat.  “Stop asking that same question Sam.”

It wasn’t that Sam didn’t want someone to spend a holiday with or that he wasn't grateful for the offer, he just didn’t like being anyone's burden.  He didn’t want to inconvenience Jess or her family.  After acing his final exams he figured he could stay on at the school for the winter intercession, maybe take a course or two.  There were not many students who did so, but there were some.  He couldn’t think of any better options since he literally didn’t have a home of his own to go to.  “And they know I’m…”

“Pregnant?” Running over to her friend, Jess started helping put things in his bag to move the process along.  Sam had been dragging his feet about the whole thing and he was going to make the two of them late.  “Yes, they know you’re pregnant.  They are fine with it.  Trust me.  They said they are happy to have you.  My mom said she can’t stomach the thought of you being alone.  You are not staying with me for the entire break, just a week.  I mean, you can stay the whole break if you want….and before you say anything else,”  Jess grabbed the sides of Sam’s face and held him so that he looked directly at her.  “You. Will. Not. Get. In. The. Way! I want you to come home with me.  You will love my family, and my friends will just eat you up.  So will you stop being an idiot and finish packing so we can actually get there on time?”

Swatting Jess’ hands away, Sam had to smile at the girl’s persistence.  “Are you sure you want to deal with an overly emotional pregnant person, who _still_ throws up once a day, for an entire week?”  Sam realized that his hand had traveled to his stomach and his fingers were rubbing it tenderly.  Jess noticed too, because her eyes darted there before flicking back up to Sam’s.  Pulling his hand away he shoved it into his pocket.

Jess shoved him in the shoulder lightly.  “Of course I am sure.  You're my best friend.  I told you I'd be there for you no matter what.  You are coming with me, you will have a good time, you will not be a burden. Got it?”

Sam laughed and threw the last of his toiletries into his bag before zipping it up.  “Got it.”  He swung the bag over his shoulder.  Since he met her, Jess had been the most grounding constant in his life.  Despite her relationship with Dylan, she always found time for him.  Not having experienced something like it in his life, it had taken him a few months to get used to the unconditional genuine friendship that she exuded.  But maybe it was something he finally deserved and he had to learn how to take a helping hand when it was offered.  “And Jess?”

“Yeah?”  Jess turned towards her friend as she pulled on her coat.

“Thanks.”  Sam tugged his coat on as well and tossed the duffle over his shoulder.  “I am lucky to have you.”

“Aww, I love you too handsome.”  Jess smiled and threw Sam a wink before heading towards the door.  “Now, let’s get a move on it.  We are already leaving 2 hours later than I would have wanted to.”  She grabbed his hand blindly and, much like the first time they met, then dragged him after her out of the room and down the hall.

*******************************************

Dean had been in a foul mood since...actually he couldn’t remember how long ago it had started.  I had gotten worse in the last few months, but it probably had started around September.

He'd fooled himself into thinking that it had nothing to do with Sam leaving; that it was just an adjustment period he needed to get his head clear again. 

But then it didn’t end, it just intensified.

Despite his father now watching him like a hawk and saddling him with even more work, he had little time to himself and by himself.

His cell phone had been acting strange and chose it’s moments when it wanted to work and when it didn’t.  He had given it to his father several times in hopes that the man could fix it, but he had no luck.  The severed connection from his world let a feeling of desolation set in.  Recently, his father had convinced him that it was a good idea to get a new number along with a new phone, this way he could wash the slate clean from anyone who had his old number.  He didn’t want to do it, but he thought maybe it would make him feel like he was in control of who he let into his world.

Around the second time he found himself unable to go through with his initial plan of sleeping with one of the sweet pieces of ass he found at a bar, Dean was unable to fool himself any longer.  He missed Sam but Sam had chosen his own path.  Dean lived in the hunter’s world and Sam most definitely did not want to be a part of that, thus making him not want to be a part of Dean’s world.

He was trying to figure out a way to be okay with that, but the only solution he found was drinking more and thinking less.  It wasn’t a very good solution and it wouldn’t hold for very much longer, but he would deal with figuring something out when the vodka didn’t seem to cut it anymore.

He missed Sam but Sam was a lot of things his father told him not to be, not to mess with, and not to bother with any more.  He knew his _relationship_ with Sam was wrong, but no one else knew about it, so it couldn’t be wrong if no one was judging it.  Sometimes, after hunting so hard his bones hurt and drinking so much he didn’t remember the way Sam’s mouth felt, he thought that maybe he will be okay without his brother.  When he wakes up he is always left with a headache and the feeling that he had been wrong.  He missed Sam and it seemed that fact would never go away.

Not wanting to end up in another drunken stupor wondering what might have happened if he had stood up to his father that night, Dean took out his new cell phone and punched in Sam’s dorm number.  It rang several times before someone picked up.

“Hello?”

Dean groaned, recognizing the voice as Sam’s roommate.  “Is Sam there?”

“Umm, no.  I think he left.  Hold on, okay?” 

Dean sat quietly with the phone against his ear.  His initial reaction was to hang up, but he pushed passed it and held on.  He heard the voice on the other line in the background yelling to someone and asking if they had seen Sam or if he had left with Jess.  Jess?  Dean wanted to know who the hell Jess is and why he is taking Sam somewhere. Before he had too much time to think about it, the voice is gone.

“No, sorry.  He is gone.”  The voice goes quiet for a second.  “Is this Dean?”

The sound of his name makes him drop all anger.  It sounds weird coming off the tongue of someone he has never met.  It also makes him realize that Sam must have spoken about him.  Aside from talking to his father, he doesn’t think he has actually said Sam’s name more than 3 times since August.  “How do you…Did he….”  Sighing in defeat, Dean gave into the question.  “Yeah, I’m Dean.”

“Ahh ha.” 

Dean could tell that the voice on the other line didn’t know what to do with that information.  “You’re Jason, right?”

“Y-yeah.”  Jason’s voice lost its initial heat.

“Can you at least tell me if he is okay?”  Angry or not, Dean needed to know.  He had no idea what was going on in Sam’s world.  Every time they tried to speak they haven't had good connections or his phone was going haywire.  Knowing might not make him feel any better but at least he wouldn’t have to worry as much.

“Yeah, he’s okay.  He’s…”  Jason cut himself off, the heat returning to his voice.  “For what it’s worth, I think you’re an asshole, you…”

This time Dean didn’t let him finish.  “You’re right.  I am an asshole.”  Disconnecting the call, he pocketed his cell phone.  He didn’t see any need to fight back against Jason’s jab because the boy he had never met was clearly right.  He thought that Sam was the ass for abandoning his family but he had abandoned Sam just as much.  However, if Sam was okay then he would have to find a way to accept the fact that they were now on different paths.  Sam’s must have been bright because his own path was dark and the snags in the road were bringing him down.  He took a long swig of vodka straight from the bottled while thinking that they probably both deserved what they were getting.


	6. January/February

JANUARY

Starting classes back up was not as difficult as Sam thought it was going to be.  Sure, he was tired, but he had found that somewhere around New Year’s Day he had finally stopped throwing up every afternoon.  Even though he was still doing it almost every other day, it was a huge relief.  Lunch always seemed to be a problem for him, insisting to Jess that he had changed the term morning sickness to afternoon sickness.  After consulting his doctor about the fact that he was still feeling sick all the time the man told Sam that some people’s morning sickness lasted their whole pregnancy so there was no need to worry.  It just meant Sam was one of the _lucky_ ones who never seemed to earn e a reprieve from such an ailment. Oh the _joys_ of teen pregnancy. The nose bleeds, however, had practically stopped, which was good because he didn’t have to worry about his classmates thinking he had a nasty drug habit anymore - although, now that he was showing quite clearly it became common knowledge that he was pregnant.

On the first day of each class he told all of his professors he was pregnant and he didn't have any expectations of it impacting his performance in class since he was due shortly after the spring semester finals.  He was glad that every single one of his professors handled his revelation with professionalism and without judgment.  Some even told him that, while they still had the same expectations of him as the other students, they would understand if he had to take a day off from class here and there.

Feeling like he had things settled with the adoption process thus far and having a promising start to his five new classes, Sam’s stress was almost non-existent.  Forcing himself to press forward in all his endeavors during his first trimester actually was a blessing in disguise.  It left him with an odd period of time where he had very little to focus on other than school and staying healthy.

Though he was planning on giving his baby up for adoption, he still wanted to make sure he was doing everything he could to make sure he or she was getting everything it needed to grow up strong and healthy.  At first it felt weird going out of his way to take care of something that he was ultimately giving up.  But then the guilt of that decision got the best of him and he soon found himself doing everything in his power to make sure his pregnancy continued to go smoothly.

Spending the holiday break with Jess’ family didn’t just help his moping attitude, it gave him time away from the hustle and bustle of Stanford to think clearly.  True to her word, Jess’ mother _loved_ having another person to nurture and feed.  If Sam thought Jess was straight forward, then he didn’t know what one would call her mother.  The woman was glad to open her home to someone such as Sam and she was even more glad to feed him at every chance she got.  Jess wasn’t kidding when she said that no meal they had eaten in Stanford could compare to her mother’s cooking.

Falling back onto his dorm bed, Sam thought that maybe he enjoyed her mom’s cooking a little more than he should have because his stomach was pushed outward in a large curve.  He knew that was inevitable, but up until last week he could have sworn the bump was growing at a slower pace.  Now, it pushed out from his middle, making his state undeniable.  But the food was good and he knew that his baby needed him to eat in order to grow.  Despite all the throwing up he was still doing, his doctor reassured him that the baby was getting everything it needed from Sam.   So, even though he knew going in that he would throw up if he ate something, Sam did it anyway.  If anyone dared think he was being selfish for giving his baby up for adoption, he would tell them that they should willingly eat food they know they would throw up _every afternoon_.  He was sure putting himself through that was pretty selfless.

While daydreaming, his fingers found a way under his shirt, curling around the warm distension of his stomach.  Sam caught himself doing it but didn’t stop the gesture.  He was aware that he had been touching his belly more and more as of late.  It was more exploratory at first, his fingers coasting over the alien roundness of his middle and trying to come to terms with the life growing inside of him.  Then it started to develop into a calming gesture, something he did to make sure that the baby was still alright and that he or she was still growing.  He also found himself crossing his fingers over his middle any time he felt nervous about making a decision that had to do with the baby, like when he met with Kathy or met Sammi and Brad for the first time.  He wondered if he did it because he expected the baby to reassure him, to tell him that it understands why its father is giving it up and that he or she is okay.  It was silly, but Sam hopes the baby really does understand how difficult the decisions its father has been making are and is okay with Sam's choices.

Lately he realized that he cups him stomach for a different reason entirely.

While at Jess’ house he used the quite moments when she was out with friends - and finally accepted Sam declining her invitation to go out - to think about the life he could swear he felt moving inside of him.  It was a weird feather like movement he could almost ignore, but when he thought about it hard enough, he was positive that the movements he felt were not his imagination.  That was when he started touching his stomach because it was the closest he could get to a piece of Dean.  He was as equally mad at his bother as he was forgiving of him.  Sam was the one who wanted to get away from hunting, which inadvertently meant getting away from Dean.  That wasn’t Dean’s fault.  And even though he hated Dean for apparently being “done” with their complicated relationship, he couldn’t hate the baby.

Not hating something does not mean that you love it.  Sam kept telling himself that.  But after waking up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and finding that the first thing he did was curl his hands around his middle, he realized that maybe he felt something _like_ love for it.  He cared about the baby, wanted it to be healthy, wanted it to be loved, and wanted it to have everything it could ever want.  He found himself sitting up at night wanting it to move again or do something that made him know how it was feeling.

When Sam acknowledged that the real reason he was currently laying in bed with his palm pressed to his stomach was because he was waiting for the baby to move, he realized that what he felt for his child was more than awe.  Trying to deny it didn’t make it less true, because he loves his baby.  And because he loves it he knew he has to give it the best home he can.

Sam wondered when the fact he cannot provide a suitable home for his child would stop breaking his heart.  He didn’t think it ever would, but he seeks solace in the fact that Sammi and Brad will be able to provide one.  It had taken him a few weeks to become tuned into the flutterings in his middle, but Sam took the newest weak movement as a sign that the baby understands this. That was enough for Sam; it had to be.

Not realizing he had drifted off, Sam woke from a dream he couldn't remember to the sound of his dorm door slamming.  His hand still resting lightly on his stomach, he jerked it off to support himself in a startled sitting position.  Blinking his eyes to battle away sleep, he saw Jason enter the room through squinted eyes.

“Aww shit Sam, I’m sorry.  I didn’t know you were sleeping in here.  I wouldn’t have come bursting in like a bat out of hell.”  Jason threw a duffel bag on the ground.  He looked exhausted, on edge and like he was about to collapse onto the bed himself.

Jason’s choice of words made Sam’s lips curl up a bit.  “Don’t worry about it.  You didn’t know.”  Rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand, Sam yawned and stretched out.  He became aware of his stomach being exposed when he caught Jason looking at it.

“Woah.  Where did that thing come from?”  Jason didn’t try to hide his surprise, he was too tired.

“I know, right?”  Pulling his shirt down again, Sam wrapped both arms around his middle the best he could.  “It just kind of…I don’t know…got bigger over the break.”

“That’s good though, right?  I mean, you knew it was going to happen.”  Jason rubbed his eyes and sank down into his desk chair, kicking one leg over the arm of the chair and leaning back as far as he could go, allowing him to stare at the ceiling.

“Knowing and living though it are two different things, but yeah, it is good.”  Sam tilted his head to study his roommate.  “Where the hell were you?  Classes started two days ago.  Did you go on some crazy holiday vacation?”  Sam was aware that Jason had been M.I.A. for the last two days but it hadn’t occurred to him to worry at first.  Over the last day, both he and Jess started getting curious as to where their friend could possibly be.  And after spending the intercession with Jess and her family, Sam was in desperate need of some testosterone, despite the slight irony of his situation.

“I wish!”  Pulling himself upright again, Jason looked directly at Sam.  “It is my fucking car.  It decided to die on me half way back to school.  I had to spend two days in some town I have never been to waiting to get it fixed….well, fixed enough to get back here.”

“What does ‘fixed enough’ mean?”

“It means that there is a lot more wrong with my car than I can afford to fix.  Something about spark plugs and ignition coils and a crappy belt on top of that.  The guy said it would cost over $800 with parts and labor and my parents said they can’t help me out.  I had the guy fix it enough so that I could finish my drive here, but I am afraid it will be good for little else now.”  Jason sighed in frustration.  ‘You don’t know how to work on cars, do you Sam?”

The absurdity of the question made Sam laugh, clearly startling Jason.  “Me?  Are you kidding?  If I had a problem with my car I just asked Dean to look at it.  He knows cars better than anyone I know.  Well almost anyone I know, I guess.”

Upon hearing Dean’s name, Jason’s ears perked up.  He stiffened a little and Sam noticed it.  He stared back at Sam’s confused look for a moment before relenting and giving the information he'd been holding for weeks over to his roommate.  “He called here.”

“Dean?”  Sam couldn't hide his shock.  That was probably the last thing he ever expected Jason to say, followed quickly by his roommate showing up and announcing that he was pregnant too.  “D-Dean called here?”

“Yeah.  Right after you left.  I haven’t seen you since then so I almost forgot, but then you said his name and I…remembered.”

Sam was on his feet faster than he thought he could move.  “Are you sure it was Dean?”

“Yeah, he told me it was him this time instead of being the phantom caller.”  Running a hand though his hair, Jason gave his friend a confused look.  “I don’t get how you could still care about someone like him.  I mean, he pretty much knocked you up and left you to deal with it on your own.  I don’t know why you keep carrying a cross for him because I’ve told you that I think you deserve better than that.”

Jason’s words made Sam want to rip his head off.  It was a dormant instinct, but his roommate’s assault on Dean fueled it back to life.  But he has to agree, even he has no idea why he is still giving Dean the benefit of the doubt.  Instead of enacting the attack he is envisioning in his head, he closed his eyes and growled.  “You have no right to talk about things you know nothing about…well at least not all the facts about.”

Jason watched his friend have a silent melt down.  Sam didn’t open his eyes for almost 30 seconds and it was starting to freak Jason out.  “Listen Sam…I am not tying to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong.  I am really not.  I am just looking out for your best interests.  If the roles were reversed, I guarantee that you would feel the same way I do and maybe I would feel the way you do.  I am sorry if I pissed you off but…”  Jason waited for Sam to open his eyes and look at him.  “I am your friend Sam.  I don’t like seeing you the way you get when thoughts of Dean creep in.  I think you have things rough enough as it is.”  They were both quiet for a moment but Jason noticed Sam’s eyes were losing their heat.  “If it makes any difference, he wanted to know if you were okay.”

“He what?”  Sam’s voice exploded out of his mouth.  He was trying to be pissed off at Jason but the rational side of his brain knew it was stupid to hold a grudge over a friend's protective loyalty.  However, the pregnant part of his brain didn’t care.  That part of him could stay mad at Jason until he graduated college.

“He asked me if you were okay.  He sounded drunk or messed up.  I don’t know, like maybe he was in his own dark place.”

Sam knew Dean’s dark places.  They were scary and lasted far longer than they should if Sam didn’t find a way to bring him out of them.  “What did you say?  Did you tell him about…”  Sam ended his sentence with a gesture to his stomach.

“Nah I didn’t tell him about the baby.  He hung up on me before I could have told him.  But I told him you were okay.”

Dean had called the dorm.  Dean had wanted to know if he was okay.  The fact that these things had happened over 3 weeks ago hit Sam hard.  The realization that maybe Dean wasn’t done with Sam after all hit him harder.  His stomach clenched and his head went foggy.  He was going to be sick and this time he couldn’t blame the baby.

**********************************************

It took a week of procrastinating for Sam to try ringing Dean’s cell phone.  He didn’t know what to expect but it wasn’t the disconnected number message he was currently listening to.

Slamming the phone down on the hook, Sam let out a curse.  The thing about Dean and his father was that if they didn’t want to be found then it was almost impossible to find them.

What Jason said about Dean’s question and the realization that Dean had changed his cell phone number both contradicted each other.  If Dean didn’t want to cut ties with Sam then why did he go through the trouble of making it difficult for him to call him back?

It made no sense.

He had no other options.

He felt stupid for even trying to see a glimmer of hope in the situation.

He was glad Jason pretended not to hear him crying in the middle of the night.

***********************************************

FEBRUARY

Sam hadn’t expected to feel as excited to go to his doctor appointment as he currently did.  He thought that maybe he was repressing that excitement by telling himself that he just wanted to make sure the baby is okay, that the butterflies in his stomach are only caused by concern – not excitement.  But every time he remembered that he got to see the baby today, that he had an ultrasound scheduled ,the butterflies in his stomach spiked and he wasn’t able to stay ignorant to that fact.

He was excited.

Actually, even though he was 21 weeks pregnant, the only ultrasounds he had was the first one, after the shock of the doctor telling him he was pregnant.  Since he found out about his pregnancy a little late in the game, the doctor didn’t think it was necessary to perform another scan since the fetus looked healthy and on target during the first ultrasound.

Sam was busy in the first weeks after finding out he was pregnant, drowning in thoughts of what that meant for his own life and leaving him with little time to think about the life growing inside of him.  Avoiding an ultrasound helped him stay unaware.  When he first saw the little blob that was his baby on the screen it didn’t look much like a human and he never had a print out to study and become familiar with.  The sense of detachment helped him keep a clear head and focus on what was best for the baby without his emotions getting in the way.

Now, there was no denying it was a little person.  Aside from the more frequent movements he had been feeling, he knew the baby had legs and hands and eyes and fingers.  He knew what to expect when he went to the doctor, he had seen images of what a 21 week fetus looked like on the internet.  It was a baby; there was no way to not see it as such.

He was excited but the more he thought about seeing the little person he had been taking care of but decided to place with another family, he started to freak out.  As curious as he was to see what was going on in his ever growing belly, he wished that he could keep staying in the dark.  He knew that as soon as he sees his baby, everything is going to get ten times harder.

It had taken a while to finally come to terms with the fact that the love he felt for his unborn child was what was making him choose adoption.  He was afraid that seeing the baby was going to make him fall more in love.  It was the same reason he didn’t want to see the baby after it was born.  Sam knew how hard it was to say goodbye to things you love.

He thought he would be fine going to the doctor by himself.  Jess and Jason offered to go with him but he declined their offer.  That was a mistake he didn’t realize at the time.  It was also the reason he was standing outside of Jess’ dorm room door with his hands shoved in his pockets trying to decide if he could make it to the doctor on his own.

Suddenly, the peeling paint on the walls was fascinating and he focused on it.  He really wanted his best friend to come with him but he wished he was strong enough to do it on his own.  Allowing a hand to run through his hair, Sam sighed.  Second guessing himself had always been one of his habits, but it was usually a strength when used to reassess the hunting situations he found himself in.

Finally deciding that he wanted Jess with him more than he wanted to prove he could handle things on his own, Sam knocked on Jess’ door.  It took a minute for a girl to pull the door open and bounce into view.

“Sam?  What are you doing here?  Don’t you have a doctor appointment?”  Her eyes raked over Sam’s form.  “Are you okay? What happened?”  Her voice rose with panic and concern with each question.

“How do you expect someone to answer you when you don’t even take a moment to breathe?"  Within five seconds of seeing his friend some of his concern lifted and he laughed.

“Sorry.”

“I’m fine.”  Sam shook his head and rolled his eyes.  “Actually, that isn’t true…I am freaking out.  I can’t do this by myself.  I know I said that I didn’t need you to come with me…but…”  Throwing his friend the best pleading puppy eyes he could, Sam’s voice went serious.  “Do you think you can come with me? Please?”

“Aww handsome, I uhh…”

“You can go with him.”  Dylan’s voice found its way from deep in the dorm room to the doorway.  Though he was out of site it didn’t surprise Sam that Dylan was around.  Sam was happy to hear that Dylan’s voice was almost a playful one of mock inconvenience.

Jess opened the door a little wider allowing Dylan to come into view.  Pivoting on her heels, she turned towards her boyfriend.  “Are you sure baby?”  Before getting an answer, Jess turned back to Sam and spoke in a whisper so Dylan couldn’t hear.  “He was taking me out on some big romantic date.  Apparently he has been planning it for weeks.”  She turned back towards the man sitting cross legged on the floor and blinked her bright eyes at him.

Dylan sighed and pushed himself off the ground.  He rolled his eyes while shaking his head slightly.  “Would you enjoy yourself tonight if you were sitting there worrying about Sam?”

“No…”  Jess’ voice was a whisper as she looked guiltily at her boyfriend while biting her bottom lip.

“Go.  I’ve realized that Sam and Jess are a packaged deal.  I’ll be waiting here when you get back.”  He ruffled her hair before she swatted his hand away.

“You sure that you are sure?”  Giving a half smile Jess narrowed her eyes at Dylan.

“Yes, I am sure.  Besides,  I kinda like the big guy.  I wouldn’t want anything happening to him.”  Dylan laughed lightly, pushing past his disappointment over their flop of a date.

“Yeah, I am kinda right here.”  Sam scowled at Dylan, but it was halfhearted.  Being talked about right in front of his face made him feel like an intruder in the couple's conversation.  As guilty as he felt about breaking up Jess and Dylan’s date, he wouldn’t have asked for his friends company if he didn’t need it.

“Hi Sam.”  Dylan gave him a nod which Sam returned.

“Hey Dylan.  Thanks for letting me steal your girlfriend.  I promise I will bring her back as soon as I can.”

“You better.  And if you ruin any parts you are responsible for repairs.”

Sam laughed.  Dylan’s understanding attitude made his friendship with Jess an easy one.  Knowing that most people might feel jealous if their girlfriend spent most of her time away from them with another man, Sam was glad Dylan understood his and Jess' bond.  Sam still swore to the man that he would kill him if he ever hurt Jess but that Dylan might have to wait until Sam wasn’t pregnant.  Regardless, he liked them as a couple.  “I’ll take good care of her….well, actually, she may be the one doing the caring.”

“You’re the best!”  Jess jumped into Dylan's arms in an ambush hug, snuggling into his embrace.  “Bye baby.”  She tilted her head back and leaned up to reach Dylan’s lips, parting them slightly so they could meet her boyfriend’s in a kiss.

Swinging his head to give his friends some privacy, Sam stepped out into the hallway.  Within a minute Jess was joining him, purse in hand and jacket done up.

“Ready, handsome?”  Jess smiled big, reassuring Sam that there was no reason for him to feel any guilt over stealing her away.

“Yeah.”  He reached out and grabbed Jess’ hand, squeezing to reassure himself.  “Thanks Jess.”

“You’re welcome.”  Jess wiggled her hand deeper into Sam’s and squeezed back.

*********************************************

Although the beginning of the appointment may have been a little uncomfortable with an audience, Sam was still glad he brought Jess with him.

After a few external measurements, nurses taking down some of his vitals, and a physical examination from his doctor, the man flipped on the ultrasound machine besides the examination table.

“Ready to see your baby Sam?”  Dr. Saunders turned to face Sam who was sitting back on the examination table, not quite reclining because of his nerves.  He kept himself propped up on his elbows.

Looking hesitantly towards Jess, who was seated in a chair beside Sam, he sucked in both of his lips.

Jess reached out and grabbed Sam’s hand, nodding in encouragement.  “You don’t have to look if you don’t want to.”  Giving her friend a smile, she leaned a smidgen closer.

“No, I’m okay.”  Swallowing audibly, Sam found strength in Jess’ eyes before turning towards the doctor.  “Yeah, I’m ready.”

“Well, you have to lay back Sam.”  Dr. Saunders laughed lightly and waited for his patient to fully recline.  He pushed up Sam’s shirt and squirted a loop of gel on his stomach.  “You’ve had one of these before so I am sure you know the drill.”

“Yeah.”  Sam put one hand behind his head and tried to stop thinking.

“Here we go.”  Taking the transducer and rolling it over Sam’s stomach, it only took a little pressure and a little time for him to find what he was looking for.  “There you are.”

Sam blinked a few times, his eyes taking a minute to realize what he was looking at on the screen.  “T-that’s um…”

“That’s the side profile.”  The doctor reached up and pointed to parts of the screen.  “Here is the baby’s head, and that’s the nose.” He paused for a second, taking a few shots.

Jess stood up from her seat, completely oblivious to the fact that the purse on her lap clattering to the floor.  “Oh my god Sam…that’s your baby.”  She leaned closer to the screen, as if the closer proximity would impact its realness.  “That’s amazing.”  Her jaw was slack with shock but her lips soon curved into a smile.  Her body was practically pulsing with excitement as she bounced a on her heels, her eyes glued to the screen.

Sam let out a shuddering breath.  His eyes scanned the black and white images playing across the screen.  He could make out the curve of the baby’s forehead and the pert little nose.  But the lips seemed to be obscured by something.  “Is it sucking its thumb?”

“Looks like it.”  Moving the wand over Sam’s curved belly, he traveled down the baby’s length so that Sam could see its legs and feet.  Taking some measurements along the way, Dr. Saunders paused there for a moment to record some data and take more screen shots.

“I didn’t know it could suck its thumb…I mean….I didn’t know it could do it while in _there_.”  Sam turned to Jess briefly, noting that she was still in as much of a state of awe as he was.  He knew he would fall more in love with his baby but he didn’t know he would find its actions so endearing.  It looked like a human and was so undeniably cute.

“They can do a lot of things if you give them a chance.”  Rolling the transducer around, he paused for a moment to look at Sam.  “Do you want to know the gender?”

“Yes!”  Sam's and Jess’ voice came out in unison, surprising both of them.

Jess covered her mouth as quickly the word escaped.  “Sorry!”  She gave both Sam and the doctor a sheepish look and sank back into her chair.  “I’ll just shut up and sit over here.”

Going back to what he was doing, the doctor squinted at the screen.  “Sam, can you redistribute a little more weight to you left hip?  I think I’ll be able to get a better look if we can shift the baby a little bit.”  He waited while Sam moved and resettled himself before putting pressure on the wand again.  He paused the screen and pointed towards what Sam thought were the baby’s legs.  “You’re having a little boy.”

“Boy?”  He stared at the doctor, not able to find words to express anything he was feeling.

“Yes.  Boy.  He looks really good.  His measurements are right on track and everything is looking as I would like it to.  Whatever you are doing, keep doing it because you are doing a good job.”  He smiled at Sam and patted him on the shoulder.  “You are doing right by this little boy.”

“Thanks.”  Sam stared at the baby still on the screen, his mind far away from the examination room.

“Do you want some print outs.”

Sam promised himself he would say no.  He didn’t want to get more attached than he was already feeling.  He didn’t want to find himself spending time staring at pictures of a baby he would never get to know.  He didn’t want a reminder of what he had to deal with.  “Yes, please.”

While the doctor finished up some screen shots and printing out captures for Sam to take home with him, the teen looked at Jess.  “I’m having a boy.”

“I know honey.”  Jess wrinkled her nose up into a smile.  “He’s so cute.”  She looked towards her friend and realized that he was five seconds away from a panic attack.

“Me.  Boy.”  He reached out a hand and Jess took it, letting him squeeze her hand as hard as he needed to.  “I…”

“Shh, it’s okay handsome.” She used her other hand to trap Sam's between both of hers, her thumb tracing calming patterns on Sam’s knuckles.  “The doctor said he is perfect.  _You_ did that.  You should be proud.”

“She’s right Sam.”  Dr. Saunders switched off the machine and handed Sam paper towels so he could clean his stomach off.  “I know it can be a lot to take in but take your time.”

Sam nodded, biting down on his bottom lip.  He looked up at the ceiling and sniffled in an attempt to cut off the tears he knew would come sooner or later.  He was hoping for later, when he didn’t have spectators.  “Sorry…It’s just…I-it’s just a lot to take in all at once.”

Nodding kindly, the doctor stood up to give Sam space while he put the scans in Sam’s medical file.  After a few moments of silence, he returned to his patient and helped him into a seated position.  “I do have some more questions I would like to ask you, but I don’t know if you would feel more comfortable if your friend stayed out in the waiting room since...they can get a little personal.”

“Umm, if you think so…then yeah…maybe.”  Sam turned towards his friend and gave her a smile mixed with both an apology and thankfulness.

Jess took the hint and hurried to her feet.  “Oh me?  Yeah, of course.  I will just be in the waiting room if you need me, Sam.”  She planted a quick peck of a kiss on her friend’s forehead and spun on her heels to head towards the front of the building.

Before the girl had even left the room, Dr. Saunders sat on his stool and turned towards Sam.  “I wanted to talk to you a little bit about labor and delivery and any thoughts you have about the manner.  How are you preparing and what type of delivery are you hoping to have?  And will there be anyone helping you through it?”

Sam screwed his face into a look of panic.  “Jess!”  His voice was urgent and loud enough to make sure that his friend heard him.  “Get back in here!”


	7. March A

Sam felt his eyes flutter closed before his body shuddered back to wakefulness in an attempt to fight off sleep.  When his head lolled forward again less than a minute later, Sam knew that he had to get out of class.  He was exhausted.  At the start of class he thought that he would be able to keep it together for an hour and a half, but after thirty minutes of sitting in the same place he started to drift off.

It figured that the baby seemed to have fallen asleep as soon as he got into class.  Too bad it couldn’t do the same thing last night because, try as he might, he could not figure out a way to stop the baby from moving or to get himself comfortable.  Gone were the soft fluttering he felt two months ago, replaced by the realization that his son could kick.  And not just little kicks either – take the wind out of you kicks.  Sam also discovered that his baby was nocturnal.  Rubbing his hand over his stomach, still loving feeling the life inside of him but wishing that the baby would give him a break, Sam let out a large yawn.

When classes started up at the beginning of the semester Sam had purposely taken a seat at the back of all his classrooms so that he was close enough to an exit he could use without making himself a distraction.   At first it was so he could sneak out to throw up if the need arose.  Lately it was whenever he felt like he was dead on his feet and was going to find himself in a pool of his own drool being shaken awake by his professor.

Pregnancy was exhausting.

Pregnancy while maintaining a 4.0 in 5 classes was Herculean.

Moving as gracefully as he could, Sam slipped out of his seat and tip toed towards the door, ducking out before many people took note of him.  He hadn’t wanted to leave, but he felt like he had a good grip on things going on in his writing class.  Once in the hallway, he took a moment to pull down his shirt, which was working hard to cover his 26 week pregnant middle.  While his height had given him the advantage in not looking huge, he was still all belly.  The shirt stretched tightly around the swell, making Sam think that he really needed to get some more clothes.  He was getting too hot to wear hoodies, which seemed to be the only things he felt comfortable in.  
  
Stretching out, he rubbed both hands down along the underside of his stomach and smiled softly.  While the increasing changes to his body were still uncomfortable and could induce a low level panic at some times, he liked knowing that the baby was growing.  He had been in constant communication with Samantha and Brad and even sent them scanned images of his baby’s ultrasound photos.  They were as equally trilled to hear that everything with Sam and the baby was right on track.  Sam thought maybe he lost partial hearing in his right ear after, while on the phone with her, Samantha squealed with happiness once she downloaded one of the scanned photos.  Helping make the couple so excited made Sam feel like he had to be doing the right thing in entrusting his child to their care.  They were both being extremely supportive and he thought they understood what he was going through as well.  Both gave him space when he needed but never let him forget that their phone line was always open.

As much as Sam liked the couple, thinking of them still came with a feeling of uneasiness in the back of his brain.  He sometimes felt trapped by his decision, as if too many people were banking on his choice to put his son up for adoption.  Sam hated to disappoint people.  It was a quality that had built up inside him since he could remember.  It started with trying to make his father happy, but extended to and resided predominantly with trying to make Dean happy.  If people were expecting something of him, he hated to disappoint.  Not that he wanted to change his mind about the adoption, but he felt like he couldn’t even if he did.

Shaking the thought out of his head, Sam shouldered his messenger bag and headed towards the building’s exit.  The sun was shining outside and he had to squint to allow his eyes to adjust.  Blinking away the sun blindness, Sam jumped a little when he heard a familiar voice call his name.  Spinning on his heels, Sam turned to find Jason walking towards him, a dark haired girl in tow.  Through he’d not met her before, Sam deduced that this was Penny, the girl Jason had been spending more and more time with.  He waved to his friend despite his exhaustion, not really in the mood for a meet and greet, but he put on his best front to not be forever known by Penny as the bitchy hormonal roommate.  “Hey Jason.”

“What are you doing around here man? Don’t you have class now?”  Jason himself was squinting in the sun as he came to stand in front of his taller roommate.

Cupping the back of his neck with one hand, Sam sighed.  “Yeah I do.  I am just dead on my feet today.  I snuck out early.”  With his other hand Sam rubbed the side of his belly.  ‘This little guy kept me up all night…again.”

“Ohh wow, you’re pregnant.”  Penny’s eyes grew as she finally caught up to the pair and took a glance at Sam’s belly.

Trying to be nice but really too tired to hold himself back, Sam turned his head aside to mumble near Jason’s ear.  “She’s not too quick on the uptake, huh?”

“Shut up Sam.”  Jason shoved his roommate in the shoulder, lightly enough to push him away but not off balance.  “Penny, this is my roommate Sam.”  He gestured between the two new acquaintances.  “Sam, this is Penny.”

Sam smiled at the girl and stuck out his hand.  “Hi Penny, it is nice to finally meet you.  I’ve heard a lot about you.  And yes…I am pregnant…and feeling very much so.”

Penny shook the man’s hand energetically.  “Nice to meet you too Sam.  I’ve heard a lot about you too.  I didn’t expect you to be so tall…or so…”

“Pregnant?”  Sam and Jason said the word in unison and Penny responded with a laugh.

“Jason didn’t tell you?”  Sam gave his friend a puzzled face while Penny shook her head ‘no’.

“Hey man, that is your story to tell, not mine.  Besides, that is not really how I characterize you.”  Jason gave Sam a pat on the back and smirked.

Sam’s initial fear was that he was going to become known as “that pregnant guy in my class”.  The fact that Jason spoke about his other characteristics and personality traits sated that fear slightly.  While he was still sure that people talked about him behind his back, as people are always prone to do in any situation, he felt better knowing he had true friends who saw him for who he really was.  They had no unattainable expectations of him, and that was a blessing he found in college even though he hadn't been looking for it.  “Thanks Jay.”  Sam nodded his appreciation to his friend.  “What are you two doing wandering around here anyway?”

“We were just going to meet up with Jess and Dylan for an hour or two before we have class.  Penny and I are in the same History of Ireland class, which is how we met because I…” Jason cut off his rambling when he saw Sam roll his eyes.  “I’ve told you this already haven’t I?  Sorry.  Anyway, Penny and I are in the same class as Jess and we have a test today.  I hate our professor, she is a real crotchety old bitch and I know this test is going to kill all of us.”

“Speak for yourself.  I ACTUALLY use class for more than checking out girl’s breasts.”  Penny stuck her tongue out at Jason while raising an eyebrow, giving the child like gesture an extra dose of sass.

“Hey, I caught you checking out my ass on more than one occasion.”  Crossing his arms over his chest, Jason heaved a sigh.

“Well I can multitask.”  Penny smiled and knocked her shoulder against Jason’s.  “But you do have a pretty distracting ass.”

Sam watched to two mock bicker and laughed.  “I like her.  She clearly sees your best assets.”  Sam laughed again as he watched his roommate try to cover up the flush rising in his cheeks.  Penny grinned up at him, as if Sam's acceptance of her was something that had been weighing on her shoulders.  Knowing his bad mood wasn’t her fault, Sam sucked up his crankiness and smiled back.  Glancing around searchingly, Sam’s eyes darted from left to right in search of his best friend.  “Where is Jess?”

“Right here.”

Jess’ voice caught Sam off guard and he jumped for the second time in ten minutes.  Spinning slightly, he saw the bubbly girl, with Dylan in tow, closing the gap between them.

“Hi handsome.”  Jess stood on her tippy toes to give Sam a peck on the cheek.  Her eyes glinted mischievously and she ducked down quickly before Sam could catch her and pressed a quick kiss to his rounded middle.  “Hi baby.”

Sam let his arms fall limp as he surrendered to Jess’ adoration of his middle.  He gave a hearty eye roll before looking down at her.  Ever since he had taken her to his ultrasound appointment his friend had taken on a new attitude towards his baby bump.  She treated it more like a little person and loved to sneak a feel of any of the baby’s many movements.  Despite hating the attention, her actions made part of him glad that he wasn’t the only one falling in love with his son.

“Hey, how come Jess is the only one you let touch your stomach?”  Jason’s words dragged Sam out of his thoughts.

Sam snickered.  “Well, you try telling Jess not to do something.”  Sliding one hand over his middle where Jess had just kissed him, Sam used his other hand to grab Jess’ shoulder and urge her upward.  The girl smiled defiantly, as if she was determined to get Sam to accept other people knowing how much he cared about his son.

“Tell me about it!”  Dylan shook his head at his girlfriend’s antics.  “Jess has selective hearing.  She is pretty much deaf to anyone telling her not to do something.”

“Shut up.  The baby likes it.”  Jess put one hand on her right hip and jutted her left one out.

“If by ‘like’ you mean ‘kick me for the next four minutes’ then yeah, the baby likes it.”  Sam shifted his weight uncomfortably and subconsciously rubbed the underside of his stomach.

“You okay?”  Jess’ eyes flooded with concern as she looked up at her friend.

“Yeah…I’m fine.  I’m just sore.  And tired.  And sore.“  Just thinking about being tired made Sam yawn dramatically.  “But really, I’m fine.  I left class early to go back to my dorm and try to get a nap in.  I am useless this way.”

“Well, if you are certain you are okay….”  Jess’ question trailed off as she watched Sam nod affirmatively.  “I’ll check in on you after my history class.  I might even bring ice cream.”  Jess wiggled her eyebrows at the promise of dessert.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”  Sam’s stomach practically growled at the mention of ice cream.

“I’m not.” Getting on her tippy toes again Jess hugged Sam, his belly getting in the way of her ability to hold onto him tightly.  “I’ll see you later.”

“Later.”  Sam smiled and watched her bounce back towards Dylan.  “It was nice meeting you Penny and good luck studying.  I don’t mean to be rude but I really need to get going before I pass out from exhaustion.”  Sam gave a weak smile, his eyes exuding overtiredness.  “And I don’t really think any of you are up to the job of hauling my huge self back to the dorms.”

Snorting, Jason screwed his face up in distaste.  “I’ll take a rain check on that one.  I’ll catch you later, okay?”  He waved briefly before starting to turn away from Sam.

“Sounds good.  See ya!”  Sam waved back, watching his friends head off to a cluster of picnic benches under some trees before he turned to continue his own uneventful journey.  No sooner than opening his dorm’s door, he was scrambling his way to his bed and promptly falling into unconsciousness.

*************************

Sam isn’t sure what time it is when he is woken up by someone pounding at his door.  The knocking is less surprising than the fact that he actually feels like he had a solid few hours of sleep. Being brought back to the wakeful world so suddenly leaves his heart hammering in his chest.  Confused as to why Jess would be knocking on his dorm door when she usually just bursts through, Sam swung his legs over the edge of the bed in preparation to answer it.  He must have slept through more knocking than he realized because the person gives one last exasperated pound before realizing the door isn’t locked and turns the knob to enter.

Sam stares at the person who just walked through the door, not trusting his eyes.  He is certain that he must still be sleeping – having a dream or nightmare because he isn’t sure how this will all turn out.  Dean is someone he always fantasized would be standing in his dorm room but never actually believed it would happen.  Now that it finally has, he feels like he is going to lose all power of thought and speech.  Dean is just standing there looking at him, his eyebrows furrowed together.  They haven’t seen each other in so long that Sam thought he had forgotten all the details of the older man’s face, but he hadn’t.  Everything is just as he remembers; only there is a bone tired quality that edges all of his features.

Sam is still lost in a tangle of unzipped hoodie and blankets and he knows Dean hasn’t taken a clear look at him yet, but the way his brother is studying him makes him think that he will put the pieces together on his own.  There is no clean start to the conversation they are inevitably going to have, he can see that fact in Dean’s baffled expression.  After 7 months apart, Sam is nowhere close to being the person he was when Dean last saw him.  He chokes on a breath and tries to remember how to work his tongue so he can say something, but the silence is deafening enough – it says everything.

Dean breaks the silence, walls in Sam’s head crumbling at the sound of a voice he hasn’t heard in person since the day his heart broke.  “Heya Sammy.  I didn’t mean to bust in on you, but no one around here could give me a straight answer.  I didn’t even know if this was your room…I mean, I didn’t think it would be too hard for people to tell me if this is where a 6 foot 4 lanky giant lived, but people said I must have been looking for the wrong Sam….”  Dean stops talking as suddenly as he started, his left hand cupping the back of his neck while his eyes shift uncomfortably over Sam’s form.

It has always been easy for Sam to tell when Dean is nervous.  He’s had the same tells since Sam can remember: the awkward pacing of his speech, his hand scratching or cupping the back of his neck, stringing multiple sentences into one.  The fact that none of his dorm-mates have told Dean that he is pregnant is a small miracle in itself, which is probably why he is staring at a nervous confused brother rather than an angry one.  He wishes he could close his eyes and disappear, or put this conversation on hold for 10 weeks.  Even though he knows magic is real, he doesn’t know how to stop this from happening so he slides to his feet and lets the blankets and hoodie fall away.

Dean sucks in his breath, a wounded quality flooding his eyes and the instinctive recoil motion he makes away from Sam.

Feeling vulnerable under the spotlight of his brother’s eyes Sam watches the gears click into place in Dean’s head.  This situation had played out on loop in his daydreams, his thoughts and his talks with Jess and this is never how it was supposed to go.  He is waiting for the other shoe to drop, one he never meant to fall in the first places.  For all his good intentions, he knows Dean will understand none of them.  Once Dean’s green eyes lock on Sam’s distended middle, the confused look becomes one of anger.  It breaks Sam’s heart because he knows this disclosure is going to be messy – that it is going to hurt.  His hands can’t hide the large swell of his middle but he tries to cover it anyway, splaying both palms out across his stomach.  It is useless and the tight shirt he chose to wear that day only accentuated his still slim body but very pregnant middle.  There was absolutely no hiding.

“What the hell is that?!”  Dean slams the door behind him, stalking Sam without lifting his glare from the taller man’s middle.  His anger rises off him in waves of heat that are almost making Sam sweat.

Sam is sure he hasn’t done it on purpose since Dean has barely lifted his eyes to survey the layout of the room but Dean has practically backed Sam into a corner.  The man is crowding his space and Sam sinks backwards in an attempt to learn how to breathe again.  It is like Dean is sucking up all the oxygen in the room and Sam can only take quivering shallows breathes.  The voice he finds inside of him isn’t the strong one he was looking for, but it is all he has.  “A-a baby.”

“You’re pregnant?!” Dean stares ahead blindly.

The only answer Sam can offer is a nod and a nervous swallow, his body curling in on itself.  He cannot believe he’s lost his voice again so quickly.  As if the baby knows his other father is near, it gives Sam a firm kick, making Sam’s hand instinctively go to the spot.  Dean watches the protective movement but Sam can’t make out what the expression on his brother’s face means.

“You have got to be kidding me!”  Dean’s voice roars through the room, the volume of it making Sam flinch.  “Here I am worrying about you being on your own and you find some idiot to knock you up.”  Dean is almost growling his words - feral and angry.  “I thought you were better than that Sam.  I thought you were leaving Dad and I to better your life, not fuck it up.”  He brings one hand to his forehead and tries to rub away the tensions building there.

Dean’s words wound Sam deeper than he thought possible.  He is saying everything Sam was afraid people at Stanford would think; only they are coming out of the mouth of the one person he cares most about in the world.  The venom in Dean’s judgments hurts, making him feel five inches tall.  A jolt of adrenaline courses through his body, making him feel the odd sensation of being outside of his body that always comes with a racing heart.  His eyes are welling up and he is trying to clam himself down because the baby is going crazy and Sam’s sure his stress is affecting his son.  He winces at a sharp pain but holds it together enough for Dean to remain ignorant.  His heart is beating too fast and he feels lightheaded.  It is hard to breathe and suddenly the room is 20 degrees warmer.

Dean squints his eyes at Sam.  “What are you…like 6 months?”

His brother’s words are hard to hear in between the pounding of his heart.  “Almost 7.”

“7?”  Dean pulls back in thought.  Sam can tell he is counting backwards in his head because the man’s lips are mouthing the numbers.  “7?!  But that means you got pregnant in August.” Dean’s anger isn’t gone but it has been overshadowed by something else.  His eyes watch Sam nod.  The wheels turn in his brain and he starts shaking his head back in forth in an attempt to forgo the truth.

“He’s yours Dean!”  The words fall out of Sam’s mouth and slap Dean square in the face.  He didn’t mean to yell them but feels like he was forced into it by his brother’s accusations.

Dean moves his mouth both nothing comes out.  Slowly he steps backwards, tripping and dropping like a lead weight into a rolling chair.  Sam realizes that he is not the only who has forgotten how to breathe anymore.  Dean chokes on his words but he can’t come out with an intelligible sentence.  “M-mine…he…mine?”

He knows Dean is having trouble recovering from the giant bomb he just dropped.  Sam’s seen Dean dumbfounded before, only once, and this time is worse.

Forcing himself up from the rolling chair and out of his stupor, Dean’s tone is angry again.  “How is that even possible?”

Dean’s reaction is so similar to his own that Sam finds himself repeating what was told to him by the doctor when he found out about the baby.  “It is entirely possible.”  No longer weak, Sam’s voice gains momentum and takes on a hint of anger.  He feels the adrenaline and fear that started to spread though his body when he first saw Dean take full effect.  Everything in his body starts to feel like jelly but he is also blasted with a false sense of courage.  The baby must be reacting to that too because he is moving more than Sam can remember him moving before.  “I am sure you remember the last time we had sex.  You,” he pointed a solid finger at Dean, “were supposed to pull out!”  The baby jabs him again, this time he can’t hide the discomfort.

Dean’s instinct to protect his brother runs too deep and he lurches forward to see if Sam is okay before he catches himself and holds his ground.  “Well, you weren’t supposed to hold onto me like a vice!”

“Don’t make this my fault!”  Sam whips his head towards Dean.  He knows people in the hall must be able to hear him but he doesn’t care.  Grimacing as his stomach tightens, he grabs onto the desk beside his bed to give him extra support.

“It is your fault! Everything has been your fault since that night.  You left me Sam!  You!  That is your fault, not mine!”

Lightheadedness hits Sam like a ton of bricks but he keeps on his feet.  “Me? Me?!  What other choice did I have Dean?  You and dad…you two were happy.  I was dying.  You were just too caught up in your own life to notice.”

Dean curls his lip in thought.  “So you come up here and decide to have our baby – a baby I didn’t even know about? Were you even going to tell me Sam? Tell him?”  Dean crowded Sam’s space again, his younger brother’s crouched posture allowing Dean to tower over him.

“I….”  Sam has no idea how to proceed.  Everything is going way too fast and the room is spinning.  He loses his footing and stumbles into a sitting position on the bed.  “I tried…I…”

Dean cuts him off.  “You should have tried harder.  I deserved to know Sam.”  Dean points an accusatory finger at his brother and turns to pace the room before stomping back.  He is shaking all over – in both body and voice.   “I deserved to know!  What were you going to tell him?”

Sam tells the truth.  “I wasn’t going to tell him anything.”

“You’re an asshole!”  The older man’s lip curls up as he spits his words out.

The label cuts Sam.  He closes his eyes and a stunted sob erupts from his throat.  It took him months to realize that neither he nor his brother were the bad guy in this situation and in 10 minutes his brother was about to reduce Sam to feeling like a complete monster.  Ignoring his brother’s harsh words, Sam turned away to try and take several calming breaths before proceeding.  “I’m putting him up for adoption.”

“You’re what?!  Are you kidding?”  Dean propped one hand on his hip and leans over Sam again.  He reaches out to turn Sam’s face towards him.

Sam’s hand snapped up and slapped Dean away from him.  “As funny as that sounds, I am absolutely serious.”

“You can’t.”

“Why?!”  Sam screams in his brother’s face as a tear finally falls down his cheek.  “Tell me why I can’t.  Who is going to take care of him?  You?”  Distaste floods voice, each work catapulting Dean into silence.  “That’s exactly what I thought.  Go ahead, take the easy way out like you always do.”  Sam is furious at Dean for playing the victim.  His stomach tightens and he cries aloud without meaning to.  He had been riding the wave of adrenaline too intensely to realize that his middle is cramping up and the pain is unbearable.  Hoping that it will go away as soon as Dean does, Sam turns on the anger and glares at the older man.

“So, you’re just going to give him away?  He’s part of you.  He’s part of me.  And you just throwing him away, just walking out of his life like you did mine.”  Dean’s stance screams at Sam.  He's angry, almost feral.

“Fuck you Dean.  You have no right!”

Dean doesn’t know if he is coming or going and his voice is hazy with that fact.  “You should have told me.”

“Why?  So you could quit hunting, get a decent job and hate me forever for trapping you in something you never wanted?”  Sam is surprised when Dean’s face morphs into one of confusion but he presses forward.  “Maybe I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to feel as shitty as I do.  Maybe I didn’t tell you because you didn’t give me a fucking chance every time I called you.  Maybe I didn’t think you gave a fuck about what I did or what happened to me.”  Sam went to get off the bed but he fell back down, grabbing his stomach with both hands and crying out again.  “Shit.”

“Sam!”  Dean’s anger falls away and he closes the gap between them, trying to turn Sam towards him in an attempt to see if he is okay.

“Don’t pretend that you give a shit about me, Dean!”  Sam pushes at Dean.  Between the pain radiating in his middle and Dean’s voice flooding his brain, it is getting hard for him to think.

“Get the fuck away from him!”  Jess is standing in the open doorway with two ice creams in her hands, her body poised to pounce.

Dean spins slightly, catching sight of the petite ball of anger staring him down.  “Who the fuck are you?”

Sam’s muffled scream draws both Dean’s and Jess’ attention as he bites his fist in an attempt to escape the pain.

“Sam!!!”  Dropping both desserts, Jess don’t pay any attention to the ice cream splatting to the floor.  She pushes past Dean with a look of pure malice as she sprints to the bed and crawls onto it to hover over Sam’s hunched form.  Her hands are roaming over her friend’s body in an attempt to locate the source of the man’s pain.  He is curled in on himself and she is having trouble figuring out how to pry him out of his protective ball.  “What is it honey?  Did he hit you.”

“No!” Dean stares blankly at the two on the bed, their familiarity with each other making it clear that he is now the outsider.  He watches Jess’ hands start to shake with concern as they close over Sam’s.

“Jess!”  Sam pitches forward and grabs onto Jess’ shoulders, gritting his teeth in pain.

Shaking his head in confusion Dean blinks at his bother in disbelief.  “That’s Jess?”

Jess turns her head for a split second to spit at Dean but Sam holds onto her so tightly that she is pulled back to worrying about him.  Sam whimpers pathetically and Jess wraps her arms around him, trying to comfort him with a shush. “What is it handsome?”

Sam opens his eyes enough to see Jess’s concerned ones.  “Hurts…”  Any anger he felt before has turned into absolute panic, his mind racing with the possibilities of what could be going on with his body, with his baby.

“Hurts where sweetie?”  She watches the way that Sam is cradling his belly and her eyes go wide.  “Oh my god Sam…what type of hurt?  Baby hurt?”

Sam nods quickly.  “Something’s wrong Jess….It’s….” He hisses out as a pain rolls though him.  “Oh god…everything hurts.”

Jess’ hands are shaking as she tries to get her thoughts together.  “We have to…we have to get you to the hospital.  We…”  Jess tries pulling away from Sam and getting to her feet but he latches onto her all the more.  “Shh, Sam.  We have to get you to the hospital.  You have to let me help you.”

“Let me.”  Dean takes a tentative step towards the two.  His head is spinning from the events that happened in the short amount of time he has been in Sam’s presence.  His anger forgotten, Dean is all concern for his brother.

Jess blinks at Dean and then looks to Sam.  Her friend says nothing in protest and knowing that she can’t lift Sam on her own there is no other choice but to let Dean help her.  Pushing past her hatred towards Dean for the benefit of her friend, Jess nods.  She dislodges herself from Sam’s grasp and makes room for Dean to step in.

It isn’t easy, but Dean scoops Sam into his arms and lifts his brother from the bed.  One glance at Sam’s pain saturated face and he lost all ability to speak.  When Sam tightens a handful of fingers around his shoulder, nails biting into his flesh, Dean composes himself enough to realize that Jess has been yelling at him to get a move on it.

“If you ever cared about Sam you will get him to the hospital before…”  Jess pauses, not willing to say the words.  “…before anything happens.”  She opens the dorm door wide enough so that both men can pass through and then darts after the two of them.  “You drive, I’m sitting in back with him.”

Jess’ stare dares Dean to contest her.  He could not care less about her, but if she cares about Sam as much as her shaking voice indicates, he can deal with her for Sam’s sake.  “Lead the way.”

**************************

 

Since arriving in the emergency room three hours ago, Dean still had absolutely no idea what was going on with his brother.  When he planned to stop at Stanford for a surprise visit to Sam, he never expect to find himself in an explosive angry screaming match, which resulted with landing Sam in the hospital.  He also didn’t expect to find his once long and lean brother swollen with 7 months of pregnancy.

Dean leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees and cradle his head in his hands.  Running his hands down his exhausted face, he tried not to let his mind wander over to the darkside of his thoughts.  He covered his eyes with his hands again in an attempt to black out the fears taking hold of him.

Having three hours to think about what had happened, Dean realized that he could have handled himself better.  He hadn’t thought before tearing into Sam, which was where all the problems steamed from to begin with.  Had he taken a moment to think about the situation he would have never verbally attached a pregnant person as viciously as he had.  Guilt permeated every part of his body and he already held himself responsible for anything that might happen to Sam or the baby.

The truth was that Dean had missed his brother more than Sam could even know.  He had taken a four hour detour just to see him.  Seeing Sam writhing in pain in the Impala's back seat broke his heart in places he thought couldn’t break any more.  He made the mistake of looking down at his lap and his eyes fixated on the spot of dried blood that he had spent his first two hours in the waiting room staring at.  Other than the fact that the blood came from Sam, he didn’t know what it meant.  It wasn’t a lot, but it was enough to have made its way through Sam’s layers of clothing.  Now that his eyes found the spot again, Dean couldn’t stop staring.  He covered it with his palm and sucked back a muted sob.

Looking to his left he saw the girl he had just met biting her nails nervously.  Jess had her eyes fixed on the clock across from her seat and she had bitten her once long nails down to nubs.  Dean could cease to exist and he was pretty sure the girl would not notice.  He was also sure that the girl hated him.  When she did care enough to look his way, her eyes were filled with so much hate that, despite her size, he was worried about what she was thinking of doing to him.

If they had met under any other situations he was sure he would have laughed at the fact that he had thought Jess was a male all this time.  He felt like a heel when he found that Sam had spent the holidays with his obviously platonic female friend.  But there was no humor in his mistaken thought right now.

He and Jess jumped to their feet when they saw a doctor push through the door and head towards them.  Dean would have said something but Jess beat him to it, fueling his dislike for the girl to match her dislike of him.

“How’s Sam?  Is he okay?  Is the baby okay? What happened? Can I see him?”  Her words rolled out of her mouth so close together that they were almost one long run on sentence.

Being used to the onslaught of questions, the doctor gave the girl a chance to get it all out before starting.  “Sam’s fine.”  He paused at Jess' loud sigh of relief.  “And, for now, the baby is fine too.”

Dean cut the man off.  “What happened?”

“It seems he went into premature labor, which he may have actually been in longer than he thought.  It can happen to anyone and sometimes there are no reasons for it.  But stress can be a huge factor.  Sam’s blood pressure was still high when we finally got him hooked up to some machines, but it has since gone down.  We are treating him with a round of Nifedipine and it looks like the contractions are stopping.  The bleeding looked worse than it actually was.  We got it under control.”

“But bleeding can’t be good.”  Jess was still biting at her nails, both hands hovering close to her mouth.

“It isn’t, but we stopped it.  It is most likely attributed to the stress and early contractions.  The baby’s vitals were stressed but as long as Sam takes it easy I predict he will be alright.  Which is why Sam needs to rest and to do as much of it as possible.   I want to keep him here overnight for observation but if he still isn’t having any contractions by noon tomorrow, I will release him.”

Jess put one finger up in thought and made a nervous hopping motion. “So, he’s going to be okay?”

Dean steamrolled past the girls question and cut her off with his own.  “Can I see him?”  Judging by the look of shock on Jess’ face, the excitement and energy in Dean’s voice must have surprised her as much as he surprised himself.

“Of course you can.  But I need you to make sure he doesn’t get too stressed out.  I already told him that I am recommending strict bed rest for the next week and a half.  After that I would like him to get checked out by his regular doctor before returning to his normal routine but I don’t see a repeat performance happening if he follows my advice.  Like I said, he is doing much better already and it looks like he will have no problem carrying the baby to term.”  The doctor looked at his watch briefly.  “Listen, I have to go check on my other patients but I will swing by Sam’s room on my way out.  Please do not hesitate to ask a nurse any question you may have.”  He turned to walk away from Jess and Dean and pointed a finger at them.  “Remember! Rest!”  Flashing the two a well honed smile, he increased his pace and disappeared into the labyrinth of the hospital.

As Dean watched the doctor disappear, he let some of his fears go with him.  Sending up a silent prayer, he was thankful that his little brother was going to be alright.  Closing his eyes, Dean let out a sigh of relief before turning to face Sam’s hospital room.  He had a lot of apologizing to do and while it wasn’t going to be pretty it was something he would rather accomplish sooner than later. 

Taking a step towards the door, Dean’s path was intercepted by Jess.  He didn’t know what the girl was trying to do but suddenly she was blocking his path with the same untamed protective stance she had when he first met her.  Her body was tense and her eyes bore into him.

“What do you think you are doing?”  Jess drew out the last part of her question, her lips spitting out the words with distaste.

Dean swallowed a laugh.  “You’re kidding me right?”  He tried to sidestep the girl but she mirrored his movements and stayed directly in front of him.  Aware that there were several people watching them Dean knew that just shoving the girl out of the way was not an option unless he wanted negative attention and a possible expulsion from the hospital.  “I _think_ I am going to check in on Sam.”  He tried to push past the girl again but she blocked him, her body leaning dangerously close to his personal space.

“Oh hell no!  You are going nowhere near Sam.”  Jess’ eyes blazed with anger.

Dean’s patience was practically worn through.  He hadn’t seen Sam in over three hours and this girl he barely knew was adding one more obstacle to the pile.  “Oh really?  And why the hell not?”

“Hmm let’s see...”  Jess paused in mock thought and brought her pointer finger to her forehead.  “Ohh yeah, that’s right…Because you’re the reason Sam ended up in the hospital in the first place!”

Her words hit Dean hard and he knew she had a point but his immediate instinct to defend himself kicked into action.  “You don’t know that.  The doctor said it could have been anything…”

Jess didn’t wait for him to finish.  “Bullshit!  You know damn well that it was your fault.  When I saw him this afternoon he was perfectly fine.  He has been perfectly fine.  I see him EVERYDAY!  Not you!  And then after 30 minutes with you he is bleeding and going into premature labor.  You do the fucking math.”  Her voice drew attention but no one had taken the initiative to intervene.  “You give me one good reason why I should let you near him.”

“Because it’s my baby too.”  The words fell from Dean’s tongue faster than he realized he even thought them.  He wanted to say “because I love Sam” but he couldn’t bring himself to say the words out loud.

“And you care about the baby? Because you sure have funny way of showing it.  I could hear the two of you going at it from down the hall; everyone in the dorm could.  And then I walk into the room and you have Sam pinned down to the bed while screaming at him.  If you gave a shit about him or the baby maybe you should have hauled your ass here months ago instead of leaving him to deal with everything on his own.”  She pushed herself up onto her tippy toes to try and reach Dean’s height.

“I tried…”  Dean shook his head, trying to figure out why he was defending himself to someone he didn’t care about much less know.  “You know what Jess?  This problem is really none of you business, is it?  I think you need to stop sticking your nose in other people’s problems, especially problems you don’t know anything about.  I know you think you know everything about the situation.  I am sure you think Sam told you everything.   But I know for a fact there are things he tells no one, there are secrets he keeps.  I guarantee you don’t know any of the things you think you do.  I _do_ know Sam’s _everything_ and I’m it.”

Dean’s words slapped Jess in the face and she fell back onto her feet.  She recoiled and moved her lips to say something but it took her a moment to sort her words out.  “He-he’s my best friend.”

“He’s mine too.”

Jess snarled at Dean’s words.  “If you hurt him…”

“I won’t .  I promise.”

“If I even hear him raise his voice…”

“He won’t.  I just want to talk.”

Jess pulled back, giving Dean space to reach the door.  “I don’t like you.”

“The feeling is mutual.”  Dean’s words were crisp and sharp.

“I may even hate you.  But Sam doesn’t.”  Jess’ body was still vibrating from her defensive posture.  “You’re right, I can’t make up Sam’s mind for him but it doesn’t mean I have to sit here and watch while he gets hurt.  One shout and I swear I will have your ass thrown out of this hospital so fast you will get whiplash.”

“I won’t hurt him.”  Dean pushed past the girl but this time she let him move towards the door.

“I mean it.  You hurt him again and I. Will. Kill. You.”  Her words were cliché but they were backed up by a deadly seriousness.

“Yeah, sure, okay.”  He wanted to laugh at her fury but he didn’t want her to try to get between him and Sam again.  Dean figured she can’t weigh more than 120 pounds soaking wet so he wasn’t worried about her threats being more than he could handle.  As he reached the doorknob he saw quick movement in his peripheral vision and suddenly she was pressed up against his side.  It took his brain a minute to register that she had swung her hand up between his legs and had him by the balls.

Jess leaned into Dean’s body, her head tilted up to his ear.  Her words were whisper quit.  “I’m serious.”  She gave a firmer squeeze with her hand and raised her lip.

Dean froze and shivered.  He stared at Jess like she was a crazy woman, which she very well may be.  Shifting uncomfortably, he moved away from her as her hand gracefully swung back down to her side and she stomped away to sit in the seat directly opposite Sam’s hospital room door.  He wanted to tell her she was a crazy bitch but it wouldn’t make anything better.  Instead he bit his tongue and pushed his way into the hospital room.

Ever since he could remember, he always hated seeing Sam ill.  And while he wasn’t technically ill, he looked pretty close to it.  His brother was lost in a sterile hospital cot, a blanket tucked over his lap and pregnant middle.  He had machines whirring around him and the steady beats of his heart counted out on a screen to his left.  The room was too sterile, too impersonal, too cold.  Sam had one of his arms curled protectively across his stomach but the other lay limp at his side with an I.V. running into his vein.  From the way he slouched back into the inclined bed Dean could read the exhaustion and energy drain all over Sam’s body.

Upon hearing Dean’s entrance, Sam snapped his head towards his brother.  “Get out.”

Dean knew Sam had every right to say that but he needed to think of a quick way to make his brother listen to him without getting him too upset.  Scratching the back of his neck awkwardly, he took a tentative step into the room.  “I just want to talk.”

“I don’t want to talk to you Dean.”  Sam turned his face away from his brother, closing his eyes in hopes that when he opened them again he would be alone in the room.

“Please Sam.  Just give me five minutes.”  When Sam didn’t protest Dean continued.  “Jess is right outside.  You just say the word and I am sure she would be happy to have me escorted out of the hospital.” 

Sam laughed, it was quiet and gone almost as soon as it started, but it was a laugh.

Taking another step, Dean peered around the room and studied the layout.  “She’s something else huh?”

“Yeah, she is.”  Sam smiled but Dean knew the gesture was not meant for him.

“She threatened to kill me.”

“Good.”  The word left Sam’s mouth in a curt exhalation.  His eyes opened but he kept them busy by studying the window at the side of the room.

Dean closed the gap between him and his brother’s bed, standing nervously at the foot.  He cleared his throat and coughed into his fist.  “She um…she grabbed my junk.”

The words caught Sam’s attention and he swung his head so that his eyes met Dean’s.  “She what?”

“She grabbed me.  I think she was trying to scare me or something.”  Dean shoved both hands in his pockets and forced a smile.  “She’s one fiery bitch.  She knows how to play dirty.”

“Yeah, well, she has a lot of brothers.” 

The lack of energy in Sam’s voice startled Dean.  He didn’t know where to begin but he knew he had to start somewhere before he lost Sam entirely.  “Sometimes brothers are more trouble than they’re worth.”

“Tell me about it.”  Sam’s hand curled more tightly around his stomach.

“But not always Sam."  Dean took a timid seat at the foot of the bed.  Sam stiffened by didn’t tell him to get up.  "Not always.”  He looked at his brother and wished he could make eye contact with him.  “Ohh Sam…I am so sorry.”  Dean let his voice crack, he let the tears that he had held at bay for three hours dampen his eyes.  Holding them back for so long had never done him any good and he needed to let Sam know that.   “I’m so very sorry.”

“Well it’s a little too late for that.”  Sam turned to face Dean and lifted the hand with the I.V. taped to it.  “You already landed me in the hospital.  You already caused me to go into early labor.  There isn’t much you can do about that now.  Instead of thinking, you just shake up my entire life and I find myself in this god damn hospital…you know how much I hate hospitals… _you know_ …” Sam’s words break off and he could feel himself getting worked up.  He dropped his train of thought before the low hum of panic in his gut could escalate.

“Oh Sam, I am not talking about the hospital.  I mean, yes I am sorry about this situation but I didn’t mean that,” Dean paused to collect his thoughts and focus his words.  “I am getting ahead of myself.”  Nerves making his stomach flip flop, he’d never been so certain that a conversation was this important before but he’d gone without Sam for too long and he’s withering.  “I’m sorry for everything.  I’m sorry I didn’t go with you.  I should have, but I didn’t.  You need to understand how sorry I am Sam.  I should have gone with you.  I should have defended you against Dad.  I’m sorry Sammy.”  Dean sucked in his breath to tried and calm himself but he came undone anyway.  He let a cry ring out in the room but stunted it before it gave way to another.

Sam looked at his brother in confusion.  He’d never seen Dean fall apart like this.  He wanted to say something but couldn’t figure out what.

Dean couldn’t remember the order in which he meant to say things to Sam so it all came out at once.  He’s played over this conversation in his brain so many times but Sam was never meant to be staring at him the way he was now.  “Since the day you told me about your plan to go Stanford, I never stopped thinking about a way to come with you.  But I couldn’t figure out a how to make it work.  What was I supposed to do?  You had so much going for you, you had a future; I would just weigh you down.  I would get in the way.”  His heart was pounding so hard that he could feel it behind his eyes.  “You have to know what we have is taboo.  No one will accept it and you deserve better than that.  You were always better off without out me, I knew that before we even started but I was too weak to protect you from it.  I know better now.”  Dean let a tear cascade down his cheek but he pushed it away with the back of his hand. 

“I just wanted you to be happy Sam.  That is all I ever wanted.  I was okay being miserable as long as it meant you were happy.  I stayed so you could go because I don’t think dad would ever stop looking for us if we both left.”  Dean’s voice cracked again and he saw that he had his brother’s complete attention.  Sam was looking at him like he’s lost and he could see his eyes filling up with tears.  He wanted to touch him but he couldn’t stomach the rejection if the gesture was unrequited.  “I tried to call you so many times Sam.  I couldn’t seem to get a hold of you.  And then you called me that one time when Dad was in one of his moods.  I couldn’t talk to you.  I couldn’t say what I needed to say to you in front of him.  I called back but no one answered.  I stopped calling for a while after that until I found out you went away for the holiday was Jess.  I’ll admit that I thought she was a man and I was furious but I was also glad that maybe you found someone to make you happy.  I didn’t care what happened to me.  So I stopped calling.  I stopped bothering you.” 

Sam hic-coughed and the movement sent a tear down his cheek.  His heart was hammering in his chest but this time it wasn’t from anger.  It was from the fact that the world he had built up to protect himself was coming crashing down.  He cried out but covered his mouth to try and stifle it.  “I tried calling you.  I tried a million times Dean.  And then you changed your number and I figured you were done with me.  Actually, one time Dad picked up you phone and told me as such.  He said you were disgusted with me for abandoning you and that you never wanted to speak to me again, that you were sick of me calling.  I cried all night after that phone call but then I stopped.  I don’t need your pity Dean.  I don’t need you pretending to care.”

Sam’s words hit Dean hard and launched him to his feet.  He couldn’t even believe them.   He started pacing the area beside Sam’s bed so viciously that he was sure to wear away a track in the floor.  “I never said that Sam! You can’t honestly believe I did.”  There wasn’t a time he could recall neither seeing that he had a missed call from Sam nor a time that he let John answer his phone.  But then the pieces fell into place and he remembered that his phone had started functioning strangely and he had left it with John to fix.  He ran a hand over his face to try and wipe away the tears and focus his thoughts.  When he pulled his hands away, his face crumpled at the site of Sam’s red eyes.  “I never said any of those things.  I was never done with you Sam.  I tried to be but I was never done in my heart.“ 

Stopping his pacing by the head of Sam’s bed, he sat down slowly.  Dean reached out a hand which he molded to the curve of Sam’s cheek and the moment they make contact a jolt of electricity rushed though his body.  He’d been afraid that touching Sam after so long would shatter everything they’ve ever had but it was still standing, it was weakened but still putting up a fight.  “My phone…my phone had been acting crazy in the weeks after you left and dad was trying to fix it.  I would never expect him to tell me you called, but I also didn’t expect you to waste your time calling me.   He never told me and I never said that.”  Dean watched Sam’s body shudder as a sob ran through it.  “You don’t know what he was like after you left Sam.  He was crazy!  I spent half my time with him bogged down under his increased expectations of me and the other half trying to defend your actions.  He was worse than I’d ever seen him.  He piled too much on me and I didn’t even know if I was coming or going.  I lost stamina, I lost drive, I lost interest in everything.  Whatever I did was never good enough for him.  I was coming apart at the seams without you.  I told him that too.  One night when he was drunk and I was drunk I told him you were the smart one because you got away.”  Dean scrunched up his face in an attempt to keep composure. 

Sam felt Dean’s hand still holding the side of his face and the power of it sent his senses spinning.  He felt like he had been skinned and Dean was touching exposed nerve endings. It was too much too fast, well meaning fingers brushing up against too sensitive skin. He grabbed Dean’s hand and pushed it down but not away.  Letting it fall to his lap he watched as the rough fingers curl around the meat of his thigh and Dean sobbed, his chest shaking as he tried to breathe and cry simultaneously.  He knew Dean wasn’t lying.  He couldn’t explain to an outsider how he knew, but he just had gut instinct.  The fact that Dean was so openly voicing his emotions did not escape Sam’s observations.  He was shocked that his brother felt that way because Dean usually tried to circumvent any type of emotional conversation that he deemed as too deep.  And here his older brother was throwing all insecurities and injuries out in the open.  “Dean…I…”

Dean cut him off.  “And then I show up here and you’re pregnant and I lost it.  It was wrong, but I lost it.  You told me you were giving him up for adoption and it was like you were giving me up all over again.  I yelled.  It was wrong, I know.  But I couldn’t help it.  I’m so messed up right now.  So I’m sorry Sam.  I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough.  I’m sorry I’m not good enough.”  He took a minute to calm himself but he realized that Sam was falling apart.  His brother was crying but it was the most pathetic type.  Sam was swallowing down silent sobs but his eyes were leaking fresh tears, each droplet quickly following in the wake of the last.  His fingers squeezed onto Sam tighter.

“I never thought you weren’t good enough.  Never.”  Sam thought Dean knew that.  He had said it often enough but some wounds run too deep for words to heal.  Everything his brother was talking about were thoughts he had played over in his head every time he tried to think of a situation in which both of them left for Stanford together, only, in Sam’s head, it always worked out right.  “I always wanted you to come with me.  I begged you to.  But I needed to get away and I just thought you would follow.  I know the thing between you and I is forbidden but I didn’t care.  I thought we could start over here.  I didn’t think that was so farfetched.”

“You're too good Sam.”  Dean swallowed hard.  He hadn’t been this close to Sam in months and the tension between them was debilitating.  He reached his free hand up to push the man’s hair out of his face.  It’d gotten longer but it wasn’t the only change he had seen in the man.  He’d noticed the look of exhaustion that tinged everything about him, like he had been carrying a weight mean for two all on his own for far too long.  “You’re too good.”

“We can’t keep the baby Dean.”  Sam sniffled as his fingers curled into his distended abdomen.

“I know.”  The change of subject caught Dean off guard but he didn’t let Sam see it.

“There is no way.  We can’t raise one.” 

“I know.  You were right in your decision.”  Dean knew Sam was right.  They had no money and no stable family.  The only things they had to their names were two cars.  Despite their problems, there was no way they could raise a child the way one deserved to be raised.

Dean’s words sent another cry from Sam’s mouth.  The sound echoed through the silence of the room and bounced back at them.  “I should have tried harder.  I’m sorry.  I should have included you in my decision.”  Wiping his eyes with the back of his palm, Sam’s words came out shaky.  “I wanted you there.  At every doctor appointment and meeting with the adoption agency, I wanted you there.  When I found out about the baby, I wanted you there.  I wanted you Dean.  I needed you.  I feel like I have no one.  It sounds crazy because even when I am surrounded by friends I have this nagging loneliness inside of me.  No one can fill it…except you.”

“You’re not alone anymore.  I am not going anywhere.”  Dean shushed his brother, waiting for the crying to abate.  He stiffened when he felt the hand he had rested on Sam’s thigh being covered by Sam’s I.V. free palm.  It was the first time Sam initiated contact with him and the shock of it took him off guard.  It was also the first time that he felt hope that they could fix whatever mess they’ve gotten themselves into.  He relaxed into the touch and flipped his thumb up to rub along Sam’s knuckles.  It was the smallest sign of physical affection but Dean was holding onto it for dear life.

Sam sucked his lip in, still salty from his tears.  “I didn’t want a baby.  And here I am having one.  I thought that I could do this but I am starting to feel like I can’t keep going.”

“Sure you can.  You’re the bravest person I know.  You stood up to dad when I couldn’t.  You can do this Sammy, and I’ll be there to help you.”  Dean didn’t know if he could do it either but he was going to try because Sam was worth trying for.

“Yeah?”  The younger man’s eyes begged for Dean to reassure him.  He looked lost and scared all at once and suddenly he is back to being the 5 year old who was afraid of the monsters under his bed.

“Absolutely.”  Dean gave Sam a smile because he knew he needed it.  “I’m not going anywhere.”  Sam had been putting up a brave front but Dean watched him dissolve into the teenager he was.  “I’m not mad at you.  I am sorry about what I said in your dorm room.  I didn’t mean it…I was angry.  It’s no excuse, but I was too shocked to think clearly.  I support whatever you want to do.  I mean it.”

Sam sighed, collapsing back onto the bed.  “I appreciate that.”

Dean’s eyes flicked to the heart monitor.  Sam may not have realized it but Dean had been trying to keep track of Sam’s heart rate throughout their entire conversation.  It had spiked a few times but it was evening out, which is where Dean intended to keep it.  “You okay?”

“No.  Yes.  I don’t know any more.”  Sam rubbed his eyes and yawned.  “Dean…I forgive you.  I really do.  But do you think…do you think I could have some time to digest everything that just happened.  It was too much too fast and it isn’t all sinking in yet.”

The words hurt but Dean can’t blame his brother.  Plus, Sam was right, he did need to rest.  Dean wanted to respect him and give him some space, but he couldn’t do that while sitting on the bed beside him.  As much as he didn’t want to let go of Sam’s hand now that he’d found it, he slowly disentangled their fingers and pulled away and off the bed.  “Yeah, sure.  I understand.”  He smoothed down the back of his hair and gave his brother a weak smile.  “The doctor said that he wants to keep you over night but they will release you if everything is good.  I can give you a ride back to your dorm if you’d like.”

“Thanks for the offer but you don’t have to wait around here.  I am sure Jess won’t mind.  In fact, I am sure she will insist.”

“Ooh, okay.  I probably have some stuff I should be working on anyway.”

Sam could sense the hurt in Dean’s words.  “Sorry.  I appreciate it Dean but I just can’t ride in your car right now…there are too many memories…I can’t.  I’m sorry.  I hope you know it isn’t because I haven’t forgiven you because I’m working on that.”

“Shh, I understand.  It is okay.  It was a HUGE misunderstanding.  Both of us were wrong but neither of us were right.  We’ll figure it out.”  Dean watched Sam’s eyes flood with relief.  He was glad too because they were still vulnerable from the day’s events but they were figuring out how to be Sam and Dean again.  “Hey, I’m staying at a motel not too far from Stanford.  Working on hunt.  Can I come visit you at your dorm in a few days? Would that be okay with you?”

“I’d like that.”  Sam smiled, it was small but it was genuine.

“I would too.  But you rest now, okay?”  The younger man nodded and Dean smiled down at him before leaning forward and pressing a kiss to Sam’s forehead.  His lips lingered there, not wanting to leave but knowing he should.  It was a gutsy move but Sam accepted it.  “Feel better Sammy.”  He pivoted in his heels and took slow steps towards the door, his body still coming down from the emotional war it just suffered though.

“Bye Dean.”  Sam turned his face so that he could watch his brother go.  “Hey Dean?”

“Yeah?”  Dean turned and raised an eyebrow at the pregnant man.

“I didn’t tell anyone we are brothers.  I told them you were my boyfriend or some complicated version of that.  I was hoping we could keep it that way."

“Well, that explains a few things.”  He gave Sam one of his sideways smirks.  “Yeah Sammy, I think we should keep it that way.”

“Thanks.  I know we aren’t better Dean, but I want us to be.  I need you to know that.”  Sam nervously fidgeted with the blanket, retucking it around his legs.

“I do know, me too.  Now get some rest.”  He hadn’t made it two paces before he heard his brother call his name again.  With one hand on the doorknob he looked over his shoulder towards Sam.  “What, Sam?”

“Can you send Jess in?  Please?”  The pleading was patented Sam - Dean’s kryptonite.

Dean scowled and let his tongue peek out from behind his teeth.  But, Sam liked the girl and Jess had given Dean a second chance with Sam.  “Sure thing.  I’ll see you soon.”  He gave Sam one last smile before taking a moment to put on his façade of indifference and pushing through the door.  As soon as he exited, Jess catapulted out of her chair and stood in front of him.  Dean cut her off before she could speak.  “He’s asking for you.”

Jess huffed and scowled before shoving her way past Dean and ducking into the room.

Shaking his head, Dean focused on the clock on the wall beside him.  It was late and he wondered which way the cafeteria was and if their coffee was any good.  Taking five steps forward, he plopped himself down in the chair he had occupied for three hours while waiting for news from the doctor.  Dean realized that Sam’s wounds were not the kind a hospital could treat but he hoped that just maybe he had the power to fix them. Contrary to what he led Sam to believe, he wasn’t going anywhere.  He was in for the long haul.


	8. March B

“Jess, I am going to be huge by the time this baby comes if you keep bringing me everything I ask you for.”  Despite his scolding, Sam was smiling as he took a big bite of hamburger with all the fixings.  
  
“Do you know how stupid that sounds? You are basically telling me to stop listening to you.”  Jess raised an eyebrow at her friend and wrapped her lips around a straw to take a loud slurp of her soda.

Sam screwed his face up in thought.  “Yeah, well…whatever.”  He took another bite and spoke through his mouthful of food.  “Welf you don’t haf to get me,” he paused to swallow, “everything I ask you for.”

“Shut up Sam.  Someone has to spoil you.  And I feel bad knowing you are stuck on bed rest for another 3 days.”  Jess tucked her legs under her body and shifted at the foot of Sam’s bed.

“You do know that bed rest doesn’t literally mean I need to stay in my bed, right?”  Sam smirked at her and took a long draw of his chocolate shake.  “Ohh my god this is soooo good.  Why wasn’t I eating all this crap earlier.”

“Because you were too busy caring about making sure you ate healthy for the baby.  And this is only a treat to spoil you.”

“So yesterday and the day before and the day before that were also just ‘a treat to spoil me’?”  Smiling with a hint of teasing in his voice Sam popped a french fry in his mouth.

“What did you want me to do Sam? Say no to you?  You called me asking to bring you food and I brought you it…plus a few extra goodies.  Will you just enjoy it?” She uncurled one of her legs and kicked him playfully.  They both laughed while she stretched out her legs so that they were parallel to Sam’s, both of their upper torsos occupying opposite ends of the bed.  “Now say thank you and stop being a brat.”

Sam laughed and spoke with a mouthful of french-fry so that Jess could clearly see it.  “Thank you!”

“Ugh, you’re so gross.”  She waved Sam off with her hand before going back to her own meal.  “How’s baby boy doing?”  Leaning forward Jess rubbed her hand over Sam’s belly, smirking mischievously before he could swat her away.

“Stop it Jess.  Don’t get too attached to him.”  Sam pulled away a fraction before catching the unintentional irritation in his voice.  He’s looking at Jess’ hurt face before he tried to explain why he needed to stay detached from his child.  It was a battle he is losing but he was still trying.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that…it’s just…”  He paused and chewed his lip.  “I just…he…it’s…”  The words didn’t come out because he didn’t know how to say them.  Instead, he changed the subject.  “He’s doing fine I think.  He likes to kick me here,” he put his hand over a spot on his lower belly, “and here,” he moved his hand to the left, “and here.  And then he does the routine all over again.  So I think he is back to normal right now.  Plus, I feel good.  No pain.  No blood.”

“Good.”  Jess smiled softly.  “I’m glad."  Her face went deadly serious.  “I just wish that ass didn’t get you so worked up last week."  She stared at Sam like he should have known better than to talk to Dean.

“Jess look…It’s not Dean’s fault…not really.”  Making his friends not hate Dean had been hard after six months of letting them think whatever they wanted of him.  Jess had been particularly hard to sway.  Sam couldn’t blame her, she only had his best interests in mind, but he really needed Dean.  He needed his best friend too.  “He didn’t know I was pregnant and it was a shock.  It would have shocked me too.  But he apologized and I am working on trying to forgive him.  If you were his friend instead of mine you might be hating me right now.”

“I could never hate you.”

“You say that now.  But you are going to have to learn how to deal with Dean.  I don’t know how long he is going to be around but while he is here I want you to play nice.”  Sam watched Jess roll her eyes and snarl.  “I mean it Jess!”

“I don’t know how you can even forgive him?”  Pushing her food aside so that she could lean forward, Jess started talking animatedly with her hands.  “He hurt you Sam!  And I don’t just mean physically.  You were a mess when I first met you.  Do you realize that?  And now you are going to go and let that happen all over again?  I can’t Sam…you can’t.”  She huffed out a sigh and tossed her hair over her shoulder.

Sam ran a hand over his stomach and traced circles across the skin.  He had no idea how to make Jess understand what was in his head and his heart.  The baby shifted and he rolled his hips to alleviate the discomfort.  Jess had no idea that he loves the baby so much because it is part of Dean.  He didn’t think she would understand that even if he told her.  “I hurt him too.  I left him, I don’t know if you realize that.”

“Yeah, but you had to get away from your family.  No one can fault you that.  He could have come with you.”

“Well…”  Sam knew Jess could stomach a lot that he had to say but he didn’t think she would stomach the news that Dean was his brother.  “Dean kind of is my family.  It is complicated, I told you that.  But, I left him just as much as I left my father.  He could have come but he didn’t.  He made a mistake and he is sorry for it.  And,”  Sam tilted his head so he could catch Jess’ eyes.  “I loved – I love him.  I always have.  And I think I always will.  I can’t just shut it off.  I don’t think I want to.”

Jess stared at Sam in silence for a moment.  “I don’t want you to get hurt.”  She let her eyes drop to her lap.

“I know you don’t.  And that’s why I love you.”  Sam nudged Jess’ leg with his own.  “Hey, look at me.”  The truth was, Sam had no idea where things with he and Dean left off.  He didn’t want to get hurt either but he knew he was on the verge of opening himself up to the possibility.  “I am not trying to get hurt.  I am trying to figure out where Dean and I stand.  And until I do that I need you to be my friend.  So if I bitch about something I need you to realize that there is always a flip side to the situation.”

Looking defeated, Jess sighed again.  “That doesn’t mean I have to like him.”

“No, I guess you don’t.  But it would make my life easier if you tried.” 

“I don’t trust him.”

Sam ran a hand though his hair to push it out of his face.  “He’s a good person Jess.  He was the only person I could trust.  Give him a chance.  Please?”  Dean had been back in his life for 8 days and he had already ripped his way into all his thoughts.  29 weeks without his brother vanished in a moment and Sam found himself fighting to keep his head straight.  He knew what Jess was trying to protect him from and she had a point – he was scared.  “Can you give him a…”  There was a knock on the door and Sam looked at it before staring back at Jess.  “Be. Good.”  He straightened himself on the bed and tossed the empty food wrappers into the garbage pail.  “It’s open.”

Dean pushed the door open slowly and peaked around the edge of it before stepping inside.  His eyes landed on his brother and he smiled.  “Hey Sammy.”  He shifted uncomfortably, remembering the last time the two of them were in the room.  He caught sight of his brother, all propped up in bed, his legs tangled with the feisty girl sitting across from him.  They looked like kids having a sleepover, but then he saw Sam’s belly and he remembered that no kid sports that type of bump.  “I told you I was stopping over today, is now a bad time?”  He was picking his words carefully, trying to make Sam understand that there were no premeditated expectations.

Jess wrinkled her nose up into a puzzled look.  “Sammy?  But you hate the name Sammy….”  Realization washed over her face and she pulled her back straight.  “Ohh…I get it.”

Dean turned towards Jess and frowned.  “Hi Jess.”  The words are clearly forced, but he sees Sam studying him so he puts on a show.

Jess scowled and spat the man’s name.  “Dean.”

Sam watched the tension buzz between his brother and his friend.  He cleared his throat and kicked Jess’ shin.  “Jess, I appreciate the food and such, but Dean and I need to talk.” When the girl didn’t move he kicked her harder.  “Alone.”  There was a moment where he almost asked Jess to stay, not trusting himself to be alone with Dean.  But then he realized he had to toughen up and actually deal with the conversation that had a week to fester in his brain.

Jess, who appeared to have zoned out for a moment, jolted back to reality.  “Ohh yeah, sure…I…yeah.”  She scrambled to get out of the bed but got tangled even further, practically falling out.  She would have gotten a face full of carpet had she not been quick enough to brace herself with her hands.  She heard Dean laugh at her expense but continued her plan of ignoring him.  Pushing herself up, she smoothed down her shirt and regained her composure.  “I’ll be back tomorrow with notes from your history class and Spanish class.”

“Thanks Jess.”

“Welcome handsome.”  She hopped over to Sam and kissed him on the cheek.  “And I’ll bring you more goodies that you will bitch about but I don’t really care.  That is how we show love in my family, we feed people.”  She smiled at Sam’s grimace.  Patting Sam’s belly gently, “Bye mini-handsome.  Don’t give your dad too much trouble.”

“Jess…”  There was a hint of a warning on Sam’s tongue as he covered his stomach with his own hands.

“I know…I know.”  Putting her hands up in defeat, she backed away slowly.  “I’m going.”  She spun on her heels and her cheery face dissolved into one of nonchalance when she faced Dean.  She took three steps towards the door and his direction before throwing him a silent growl and forcefully hitting into his left side in order to exit the room.  As she went, she slammed the door forcefully, making the room shake.

Dean let out an annoyed breath and watched the girl go.  He turned back to Sam, who was giving him some mixed look of amusement and apology.  Shaking his head, he took several steps into the room so that he was standing in front of Sam’s bed.  “I don’t like her.”

“Yeah, well I do, so get over it.”  Sam pressed his lips together, feeling way too vulnerable under his brother’s eyes.  “But try to play nice around me.  She’s been the only one truly looking out for me,” he paused to scratch the back of his head in thoughts, “well…since you I guess.”

“I’m glad she takes care of you, but did you have to find someone so crazy?”  Dean shifted his weight and settled it all into his left hip.

“Did you just come to bash my best friend?  Because if you did then I think you should leave.” 

“No, no. You're right.  I’m sorry.  I came here to see how you were doing.”  Dean’s voice sounds deeper than usual, like he hasn’t gotten much sleep lately.  “How are you doing, by the way?”

Sam gestured to the chair in front of his computer desk.  “You can sit down; you don’t have to hover over me like I am going to disappear.  Jess has barely let me out of this bed.”

“Good.”

“Says the person who can’t stay in one place for more than a day or two.”  Sam laughed.

“Touché.”  Dean rolled the chair closer to Sam’s bed and took a seat, happy to be down on his brother’s level.

“I’m good by the way.  Well, I think I am good.  I have an appointment with my doctor in 3 days.”

“And the baby is okay?”  The word baby falls off Dean’s tongue with a trace of unfamiliarity.

“Yeah, he’s okay.  Moving and doing all those things.”  Sam sucked on the corner of his lip.

Knitting his eyebrows, Dean sat forward so that he could rest his elbows on his knees.  “He…Do you know how weird it is to hear you say that?  I went from not knowing you were pregnant to knowing we were having a boy in about 4 seconds.  I don’t know how to explain it but it is surreal.  It isn’t just a baby, it is a little person.  A little male person.”  Dean caught himself thinking out loud and cut himself off.

“I kind of know what you mean, but I had a lot more time to come to terms with the baby part before I had to deal with the boy part.”  Sam’s eyes saddened suddenly.  “Dean…I never wanted you to find out that way.”

Combing a hand though his hair, Dean realized Sam was now a hair away from crying.  It was unnerving that he's gone from joking around with his brother one second to being dead serious the next instant.  “I know Sam.  But you should have told me earlier.”

Sam covered his face with his hands, his fingers splayed just enough so he could still see Dean’s eyes staring at him.  He didn’t move them while he spoke, as if trying to get them to hide the guilt.  “I know.  But you shouldn’t have made the assumption that I was better off without you.”

Dean cleared his throat. “Aren’t you though?  Look what trouble the two of us got into?”  Sam didn’t answer him; he continued to hide behind his fingers.  “Hey.”  Swinging himself up and out of the chair, Dean took a seat at the edge of the bed.  He reached up and pulled Sam’s hands down and away from his face.  “Hey, stop hiding.”

“I’m not hiding.  I just don’t know how to answer that question.  You’re all I know.  Everything else just kind of paled by comparison.  Nothing else feels right.  And then there is this…”  He grabbed his pregnant belly with both hands.  “I am so messed up right now.”

“Yeah, I know that.  I know that you’re messed up.  But we are going to figure it out, right?”  Dean nudged Sam gently.  “Right?”

“I guess…Just stop thinking you always know what is best for me.” 

Dean put his hands up in defeat.  “Done.  It won’t happen again.  But you have to tell me _things_.  Don't surprise me by saying you are having two babies.  Deal?”

Sam shook his head at the mere through of having twins.  "No! Only one baby."  Letting out a puff of air, his whole chest rose and fell.  “That promise works too ways.  As long as you know that then I am fine with it.”  Sam turned his head to face Dean’s.  “I think this is the most we have ever actually talked about what we think of each other.  Why is it so damn hard for us to talk about how we feel? What we think?”

Sighing, Dean pulled back and looked off to the side.  “Because those are the conversations that can hurt and I learned a long time ago not to let myself get hurt.”

“I’m not going to hurt you.”  Sam ducked his head lower and cocked it to the side to try and catch Dean’s eyes.  “I’m not.”

“Listen, I am not trying to make you feel bad or anything Sammy, but you already did.  I know I hurt you too, so we are even, but it doesn’t really work like that.  I am trying to get over it, and the past week helped, but I can’t just think you won’t do things that hurt or I won’t do things that hurt you.  That is a big mess of scary.”

Sam had been so content playing the victim that he didn’t realize the flip side of their situations.  There was no true victim.  Dean hadn’t left him alone and pregnant, Dean hadn’t even known about the baby.  Sam had left Dean.  No matter how many times he repeated that thought, he couldn’t figure out how this whole mess had escalated so fast.  Now that his brother knew about the baby, he wasn’t running, he was trying to figure it all out.  “I forgive you for hurting me.  I thought I was still working through it, but I forgive you.  Jess thinks I am crazy, but I don’t care.”

“You are crazy.  But I wouldn’t have you any other way.”  Dean smiled.  He watched Sam brush away a tear that hadn’t fallen yet.

“I am hormonal.  And it sucks.  I don’t recommend it.”  Sam laughed.

“Duly noted.”  Dean fidgeted with his hands on his lap.  “For what it’s worth, I’m glad it’s okay…the kid that is.”

“Me too.  I know it sounds odd since I am putting him up for adoption but I sort of love him.  It is why I want him to have the type of home we never did.  Growing up the way we did…it wasn’t easy.  I…we…There is no way we can do right by him.”  Sam watched Dean nod in agreement.  “I want him to be happy and healthy.  He is a part of you and me and I could never want anything but the best for him.”  Sam’s fingers went to his lips.  “I’ve never said any of that aloud before.”  Before Dean could respond, Sam perked up.  “Do you want to see him?”

“Who?  The baby?”  Dean raised an eyebrow in confusion.

“Yeah…I have pictures…ultrasound scans.  They are in my desk drawer.”  Sam went to flip his legs over the bed but Dean stopped him.

“ I can get them.”  Dean rose but Sam continued to get to his feet.

“I can walk the short distance to my desk.  Besides, if I don’t get out of that bed I am sure I am going to kill someone.”  Sam stretched and he is instantly aware of Dean’s eyes on his belly.

“It’s weird…you look like Sammy and then there is all this…” he waved his hands around Sam’s middle, “…this…and it shocks me every time.”

“Get used to it.  It isn’t going anywhere for a few weeks.”  Sam tugged his shirt down and pulled his desk chair back to where it belonged before taking a seat in it.

“Well neither am I.”

Halfway through pulling the drawer open, Sam froze.  “You’re not?”

“I told you I was sticking around.  I meant it Sam.”  Dean looked at his boots, not sure what type of response he was expecting from Sam.  He was hoping for positive, but there was still a fear that they were on unsteady ground.  “I’m not going anywhere till that baby is born.  Is that okay with you?”

Sam had to remember how to swallow again because he was on the verge of choking.  “What? Yeah! Yeah, of course that is okay with me.  I mean…it is your kid too, right?  I can’t tell you what to do or anything.”

“If you could tell me what to do, what would you say?”  Dean's blood was amped up with a shot of nervous anticipation.

The taller man watched his brother.  In the back of his head he felt like he was on the edge of something very important, like his answer was more than just a yes or no answer.  It was more than a "stay" or "go" answer.  Dean was staring at him like he used to, like Sam always has the answer for everything, only Sam didn’t think he had that power anymore.  But Dean was still staring at him and in that moment Sam realized that Dean always constructed his world around him.  While their father may have pushed Sam to the side, Dean figured out a way to count Sam’s decisions as the big decisions in their lives.

“Stay. I would say stay with me.”  Sam felt the intensity of Dean’s gaze weighing him down and he knew he had to look away before things got too intense.  It’d always been like this between them, like they didn’t know how to be anything other than neutral or intense.  There was no lukewarm setting.  He pulled his gaze away from Dean’s eyes just as he realized that his brother was standing closer to his person than he thought.  In a flash he was fixated on the contents of his desk, shuffling them around before drawing out two scans.

“So I’ll stay.  Because I want to.  But because you do too.”  Dean was about to say something else when Sam thrust two photos into his hands.

“Here.  They are from my 21 week scan.  That was about 8 weeks ago.”

Dean stared at the first one, cocking his head to the side.  He couldn’t make out much of anything but swirls of black, white and grey.  “Umm…do you have the ocean growing inside of you?”

Sam snorted.  “It feels like it sometimes.”  He stood up to lean over Dean’s shoulder, accidentally brushing against him.  When they touched it sent sparks of electricity through his body and he had to control himself from succumbing to it.  Pointing to a spot on the photo, he pressed in closer to Dean’s ear, aware that he was walking a very thin line.  “I couldn’t really see too much in that one either.  But apparently that is him telling us he is a boy.”

“What? Really?”  Dean rotated the photo several times in an attempt to make any sense of it.  “Really?”  He squinted at it before looking back at Sam.  “I’ll take the doctor’s word for it.”

“Just look at the other one.  That one is really clear.”

Dean shuffled the photos so he could see what Sam was talking about.  What he found made him blink several times in amazement.  “It’s a baby!”

“What did you think it was? A moose?” Sam rolled his eyes as he watched his brother react to seeing their child for the first time.

“No I mean…It looks like a baby.”  Dean traced the outline of the baby’s profile.  “Is he…?”

“Sucking his thumb?  Yeah.”  Sam smiled and rested his hand on his stomach absently.

“This is…wow…I mean…just wow.”

“Yeah.”  There was nothing else Sam could say.  He had felt it _all_ that day he went to the doctor with Jess.  “That’s his feet.”  He pointed to two distinct appendages near the edge of the photo.

“You have a human growing inside of you…with hands and feet and…wow.”  Dean had to pause to gather his thoughts.  “No wonder you’re so big.”

“Thanks for reminding me, jerk.”  Sam scoffed and snorted at his brother.

“Oh don’t be such a bitch about it Sammy.  That’s good, right?”

“I wish people would stop saying that…”  Sam shook his head.

Dean smiled at his brother’s pout.  Holding up the pictures so Sam could take them back he was still awestruck.  “These are _amazing_ Sam.  Thanks for showing me.”

A smile crept its way across his lips.  “They are pretty cool, aren’t they?”  Sam grabbed the photos and took a quick glance at them before putting them away.  “They don’t freak you out?”

“No…not really.  I mean, it is strange.  It is scary.  And if you were telling me we would be raising that kid in 2 months I might be having a panic attack.  But the way you’ve been handling it – I think you have done a pretty good job.  I’m 22 and I’m not ready to be a parent.  You’re only 18.  You may have made your mistakes but I think you are doing a pretty fantastic job of being a mature adult overall.”

Sam chewed over his brother’s words.  He had been lucky to have his friends on his side, but having Dean on his side too lessened the gravity of the situation.  “You wouldn’t want to go see the baby for real…I mean in person…at my doctor’s appointment, would you?  You don’t have to…If you want to you can.  I…”

“Sam, did you always trip over your words like this?”  Dean laughed.  “I would like that…to go with you.”

Sam’s smile grew. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool.”  A comfortable silence fell between them.  Sam cleared his throat.  “It is on Thursday, at 3.  Are you sure you’re going to be around then?”

“Yes.  That’s actually the other thing I wanted to talk to you about.  I need your help with something. I told you I was staying in town for the week on a hunt…But it’s more than that.  Dad…”  Dean paused and looked Sam over.  “Sit down Sam.  Not because I think you are going to break but because you aren’t going to love this.” 

Sam froze up slightly before taking a slow seat in the chair.  He grabbed both arm rests so that he could lower himself but kept his eyes fixed on Dean.  “Dean…”

“Listen, I don’t want to talk about it anymore than I have to because I don’t want to get you mad or upset you.  But dad…well dad doesn’t know I’m here.  I left.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  I am really on a hunt, but it is something I picked up on my own.  I don’t know why I picked something all the way out here, maybe it is because I wanted to get as far away from him as I could.  Maybe it is because I wanted to get as close to you as I could.”  Dean stopped when Sam made a noise in the back of his throat.  “When you were in the hospital, the attending doctor told me that you shouldn’t be around stress.  I just want to say this once and then I am not talking about it.  I told you dad was worse after you left.  My life wasn’t my own.  I had to get away – get back to you.”  Dean blinked rapidly a few times and shook his head.  “Okay, that’s it.  We’re not talking about it again.”

The baby jabbed Sam in the ribs as if he was in agreement with ending that conversation.  Dean had a point, talking about dad wasn’t going to do anything but get him upset and there was no point in that.  On the other hand, he didn’t like the hurt in his brother’s voice.  But if Dean really wasn’t going anywhere then they had time.  “Alright…I know what it’s like Dean.  But you said you need help with something.”

Moving onto the next subject made Dean’s shoulders fall with relief.  His eyes filled with the familiar energy they always had when talking about hunting.  “I have been spending the week trying to figure out what exactly I am dealing with.  It’s a ghost by the way, but it is some vengeful spirit crap.  The thing is, the woman haunting the house was cremated.  Well, not cremated per say, but the original house on that land burned down with her and all of her possessions in it.  I have no idea how to figure out how or why she is haunting the place and how to stop her.  That is where you, brainiac extraordinaire, come in.”

“Me? What can I do?” 

Dean tapped Sam on the head once before spinning his chair so that he faced the computer.  “You could put that pretty little brain to some good use and figure out how I stop it.  Or at least where I could find something to burn to send her packing.  She is part of a prominent family and they’ve been known to have heirlooms. “

Sam’s eyes curved up into a smile.  “What family?”  He booted up the computer with a swift movement of his hand.

“Greyson.”

“Shit Dean, that family is almost notorious for haunting people.”  Sam moved his fingers over the keyboard and pulled up several websites so quickly that Dean’s head spun.  “You seriously never heard of them?”

“No.  Why?  Should I have?”  A look of pure confusion washed over his face.

Sam rolled his eyes.  “Dean, you need to open a book sometime.”

“Nah, I got you.  You’re better than any book or website.”  Dean leaned down so he could look at the computer monitor.  “So, do you think you can figure something out?”

“Can I?” Sam’s cockiness finally shone though.  “You forget who you’ve been working with all these years?

The two fell to browsing the internet before Sam found something that cracked their case wide open.  He laughed and turned to face his brother, his hand still lingering on the mouse.  “See. Told you so.”

“Yeah, you sure told me.”  Dean let his hand fall beside Sam’s on the mouse pad.  “This is almost like old times…almost fun.”  He walked his fingers over Sam’s hand and curled them around it.

Sam froze.  Tilting his head up to Dean’s, their eyes locked.  He felt the man running his fingers across his hand and wrapping them inward so that they could find his palm.  And, almost as suddenly as the spell was cast, it was broken when the door slamming surprised both men and they hastily pulled apart.  Sam’s head was spinning and he found focus enough to turn towards his roommate who had just stormed into the room.

“Ohh hey Sam.”  Jason’s eyes went from Sam to the man standing beside him and then back to Sam.  “I didn’t know you had a guest.  Am I interrupting something?”

Sam ran a hand across his face to hide the blush he was sure had formed there.  “Ohh no…no we were just looking something up online.”  He spun his chair to face his roommate but stayed seated.  “It is okay.”

“Well I’ll only be a minute…then I will be out of your hair.  I have a favor to ask you.  I hate to impose and you can say no, but I figured since you were on bed rest for another three days you wouldn’t mind.  Do you think I can borrow your car tonight?  I told Penny I would take her out for a date and my car is finally shot.”

“What’s wrong with your car?”  Dean asked while pulling himself away from Sam to look at the stranger.

The words came out of his mouth before he realized it.  “Some nonsense about engine plugs and spark plugs and other things that I can’t even remember.  It doesn’t matter.  I can’t afford to fix it.”  Jason studied Dean curiously.  “Do I know you?”

Sam watched his roommate interact with his brother, not certain how this was going to turn out.  He sat in silence, his eyes darting from one man to the next.

“I can fix your car.”  Dean held out a hand to Jason.  “I’m Dean by the way.”

“Dean?”  Jason pulled his hand away as his eyes went wide and he gaped at Sam.  “Dean, like _the_ Dean?”

“Yeah.”  Sam pushed himself out of the chair with a little difficultly and came to stand beside Dean.  “Dean, this is Jason, my roommate and Jason, this is Dean, my complicated.  And he can fix your car by the way.”

Jason moved his mouth but nothing came out. 

“I know you probably hate me too.  Don’t worry, that Jess chick has already threatened my life and gave me the run down.  I’m on my best behavior.”  Dean crossed his heart and held up a hand in sincerity.

Jason held both hands up.  “Hey man, I am not getting involved in this.  As long as Sam is happy, then we don’t have a problem.  But the minute he isn't then…”

“We have a problem, I get how this works.”  Dean put his hand out again.  “So can we try this again?”

Jason put a tentative hand out, not quite sure what to make of Dean.  He shook the older man’s hand  while sizing him up.  “Yeah, sorry.  It’s just that you haven’t painted a shining story for yourself.”

Dean decided to let his comment slide.  “Anyway, show me this car of yours.  I guarantee I can fix it faster and cheaper than any place you would bring it to around here.”

Quirking his mouth to one side, Jason pulled his car keys from his pocket.  “It’s in the lot beside the dorm.  I can show it to you now if you’d like.”

Dean looked towards Sam who nodded his encouragement to go.  “Sounds good, there are a few hours of daylight left.” He took a step to stand beside Jason before turning back to his brother.  “Sam, you…”

“Stay here.  I know.  Bed rest and all.”  Sam rolled his eyes and watched the two men head towards the door.  “I’ll be here if you need me.”  He took a seat on the bed as Dean closed the door behind him and Jason.  The only thing he could think was _at least one person intends on playing nice._

***************************************

Dean squirmed in the chair beside Sam.  As grateful as he was when he heard the doctor tell them that Sam was fine and that the baby was fine those two pieces of news couldn’t calm his stomach for what he knew was coming next. 

“You okay?”  Sam turned his head to face Dean, the paper on the examination table sending a soft crinkling sound though the quiet room.

“I’m fine.”  Dean folded his arms across his chest and sat back in the chair.  Sam smiled at him and then shivered when the doctor squirted gel on his exposed stomach.  The way Sam was stretched out across the table made the curve of his belly more prominent and Dean felt a ridiculous protective stirring in the back of his brain. 

“Are you excited to see your baby for the first time?”  The doctor turned directly to Dean, a cheery smile on his face.

“I guess so.”  Despite his ambivalent words, Dean’s stomach was doing flip flops.  The pictures Sam had shown him had done a number on him.  He was afraid what seeing a real time look into Sam’s womb would do to him.

“Show time then.”  Pressing the transducer to Sam’s belly, he rolled it around until he found what he was looking for on the screen.  Slowing the movement down, he became more meticulous in his placement of the wand.  “There you go.  The baby feels like cooperating.”

“Holy shit.”  Dean’s arms fell away from his chest and stood up. 

“It looks as if he is waving to you Dean.”  Dr. Saunders pointed out a small hand with 5 obvious fingers.

Dean let his lips turn up into a sideways smile.  He leaned closer to the screen and watched the baby move.  “Does he always move that much?”

“All the time.”  Sam groaned.  He let his eyes leave the screen to fall upon Dean’s wonder filled ones.

The doctor moved the wand so that he could see the baby’s full length.  “He looks good Sam.  Bed rest did the trick.”  He flicked a switch on the ultrasound machine and the room filled with a whooshing sound Sam had only heard twice before.  “Sounds good too.”

“That’s…That’s…” Dean’s mouth went dry as he looked to Sam for an answer.

“That’s his heartbeat.”  Sam closed his eyes and let the sound dwell in his ears.

“He’s going to start running out of room soon but for now he is all over the place.”  Dr. Saunders took several more measurements and printed a few scans while the two men focused on the sound and pictures on the screen.

Dean cocked his head to the side, his eyes going over the curve of the baby’s head and the slope of his nose.  “Sammy…”

“I know.”  Sam was almost as amazed with seeing his child now as he was when he had found out the gender.

Dean shifted nervously on his feet.  He was shocked by how deeply seeing the little life thriving inside Sam affected him.  But this wasn’t just any baby.  This was Sam’s baby, his baby, _their_ baby.  He knew they weren’t keeping him, but it didn’t make his existence less powerful.  “That’s incredible.”

The baby made a movement that looked like a yawn and Sam sucked in a deep breath.  He didn’t realize he was doing it before the action was completed but he reached an arm out and grabbed Dean’s hand.  His eyes were fixated on the screen but he squeezed his brother’s hand after interlocking their fingers.

And Dean – Dean squeezed back.

*******************************************

“Sam!”  Jess popped up from her place on the floor with Jason.  “Sam!”  She waved a hand across his face.  “Ground control to major Sam.”

Sam shook his head to regain focus.  “Huh, what?”

“Would you please sit your ass down.  You’re driving me crazy.”  Jess put a hand on her hip and smirked at her friend.

“Yeah man, what’s up with you?”  Jason took a sip of his coffee and looked up at the clearly agitated pregnant man.

“Sorry.  I just can’t seem to focus.”  In truth Sam was going crazy.  Dean had promised he would call as soon as he had gotten the heirloom ring from the family’s vault.  He had promised he would call once his hunt was over.  That was 5 hours ago.  But he couldn’t tell his friends that.  Instead he continued pacing. 

“Are you sure someone didn’t slip you too much caffeine?  You are like a live wire,” Jess asked.

Sam didn’t have a chance to answer because the phone rang and he reached for it as quickly as his body would let him.  “Dean?!”

“Hey Sammy.”  Dean sounded tired but he had the same confidence as he always did.

Cradling the phone close to his face, his voice dropped to a whisper.  “Where have you been?”

“I know, I know.  I said I would call as soon as I got out and that is what I am doing.  I got a little delayed – a lot delayed.”

“Is everything okay?  Did you burn it? Are you okay?”  Sam let anxiousness fall away and focused on the concern he felt for his brother.

Dean laughed, a low rumble coming through the phone.  “I’m fine Sam.  A little banged up, but I am fine.  How are you, are you alone?”

“No, I’m not alone.  Jess is keeping me company.  And Jason too.” Sam turned to his friends to flash a quick smile.

“That crazy bitch…”

Sam cupped his hand over the receiver of the phone and looked at Jess.  “Dean says hi.”

Jess snarled.  “Tell him to go fuck himself”

Taking his hand off the receiver Sam said, “Jess says hi back.”

“Ohh, I am sure she did. Listen, I’m coming over.  Can I?  I am ten minutes away.”

Sam smiled.  “Sure, yes.”  He smiled wider when he heard Dean make a happy noise.  “Hurry.”  He slammed the phone down on its cradle and stared at it a moment before turning to face his friends.  “Dean’s coming over.”

Rolling her eyes, Jess gave Sam a look.  “I am glad he is behaving himself, but I think I am going to bounce before he gets here.”  She caught Sam’s disappointment.  “Hey, don’t give me that look.  I am trying to play nice.  I don’t like him.  But if seeing him makes you happy, then I am happy.  Just be careful.”  Jess smiled at Sam and leaned her head on his shoulder.  “Remember, if he hurts you, then I kill him.” 

“Ohh I’ve heard quite a bit about your threat.”  Sam gave his friend a playful push.

“I am going to head over to Dylan’s.  He should be out of class right now anyway.  Maybe I will meet up with you later, even if Dean is around.  See you later handsome.”  Jess shouldered her bag and went to make her exit.  “See ya later Jason.”  She waited for the man on the floor to give her a wave before ducking out of the room.

Sam shrugged, half glad that Jess was sparing him from playing referee between her and Dean and half sad that the two were not trying to get along better.  He pulled open his book and took to read in hopes that Dean would show up faster if he distracted himself.  Jason stayed spread out on the floor, reading his own book as an easy silence fell across the room.

Said silence was broken when Sam’s ears perked up at the sound of a knock on the door.  “Come in.”

Dean pushed open the door and quickly entered the room.  His eyes fell upon Jason first, as he lay in the man’s path.  “Hey Jason.  How is the car treating you?”

“Hey Dean.  How are you doing?  You look a little worse for wear.”  Jason’s eyes ran over Dean’s soot smeared face and bruised cheek.  “The car is great by the way.  Not one problem.  You are like the car whisperer or something.”

“Glad to hear it.  It was a simple enough job.  I could make a fortune fixing college student’s cars.”  Dean laughed before the idea really started to take hold.  His eyes scanned the room, finally falling on Sam.  “Heya Sammy.”  His expression softened.

“Dean.”  Sam pushed his book aside and rose from the bed.  He focused on the rugged handsomeness Dean always exuded after a hunt.

Dean took three large strides across the room and smiled.  He pulled Sam into a hug, the exhilaration from the hunt still coursing through his body.  “Thank you.”  His mouth was close to Sam’s ear and he tried to convey his gratitude for his brother’s help as quietly as he could.

Sam collapsed into the hug, his body molding to Dean’s in a familiar action that had become subconscious.  He realized he had lingered in the embrace much longer than intended, making the gesture mean more than just a chaste greeting.  He pulled away quickly, leaving him to stare at Dean in an awkward moment.  “So…”  He scratched the back of his neck.

Dean’s eyes were still soft.  “So…”

Jason cleared his throat once he picked up on the palpable tension in the room.  “Yeah, so I’m going to get out of here.”  He looked up and realized the two men weren’t paying him any attention.  Tugging on his jacket, he sneaked out of the room without a look from Sam or Dean.

“I’m glad you’re okay.”  Sam’s voice was whisper quiet.  His smile twitched as he winced, his hand going to the spot the baby just kicked.

Dean caught the flinch and watched Sam’s hand snake under his shirt to caress his rounded flesh.  “The baby?”

“Mmm Hmm.  He likes to kick this one spot that just _kills_ me.  That and I’m so damn itchy.”  Sam pulled his shirt up to expose his belly and gently scratched the skin there.

“Itchy?”

Sam nodded.  “Sometimes when your skin stretches this much it gets dry and that makes it itchy.”  Sam let his head fall back in frustration.  “I’m sorry, but have you ever just had one of those itches that you can’t seem to get rid of?  This is like that, only worse.” 

“Can I do anything to help?”  Dean shrugged off his jacket and let it fall to the floor.

“Nah, I have some lotion.”  Sam pivoted and grabbed a bottle of lotion from a shelf.  Holding it up to Dean he ask, “do you mind?”

Dean shook his head ‘no’.  “Do whatever you need.”  They stopped speaking as Sam sat cross-legged on his bed and pulled his shirt over his head.  Dean had seen him shirtless at the doctor’s appointment, but not like this.  Here Sam was comfortable and under the watch of only Dean’s eyes.  Sam’s distended middle curved out to sit gently on his lap.  Letting his eyes travel upward, Dean became aware of Sam’s vaguely swollen chest which had filled out more over the last two weeks he had been in Stanford.  A weak sigh of longing escaped Dean’s lips as he watched his little brother squirt a dollop of lotion on his hand and start to gently work it into his dry skin.  As if his thoughts had taken control of his body, Dean was closing the gap between them and he picked up the bottle of lotion where Sam had dropped it.  “May I?”

Startled, Sam’s hand stilled on his stomach and he looked up at Dean.  Dean was looking down at him with the look he always had on when he knew he was going to get what he wanted.  It was also a look Sam couldn’t say no to – not that he wanted to.   Swallowing hard, he nodded.

“Lay down.  I’ll lay behind you.”  Dean waited until Sam maneuvered himself onto his side.  Once his brother was settled, Dean crawled onto the bed and spooned his body behind Sam so that he could wrap one arm around his waist and rub his belly.  Being this close to Sam made his heart shudder and then speed up.  The familiar scent that Sam always seemed to carry flooded his nose and he became saturated in Sam’s presence.   His muscles locked up, both too excited to jump at the chance of touching Sam again and too scared to fuck it up.  Swallowing hard, Dean squirted lotion into his hand and let it hover above Sam’s middle.  He was so close that he could feel the heat radiating off of his skin.

“It’s alright.  It’s just me.  It’s still me.”  Sam craned his neck so that he could see Dean’s face.  Whatever uneasiness he was feeling about being this close to Dean again, he was sure his brother was feeling it as well.  He felt his body shake subtly, nervous electricity riding waves throughout his body.  He nudged his hips backwards, bumping them into Dean’s.

Biting his lip to stifle a soft moan, Dean let his hand slowly fall onto Sam’s middle.  His hand slid across the roundness, moving in soothing strokes.  “It isn’t what I thought your stomach would feel like.  It’s so firm but…soft.”

“Does it disgust you?”  Sam tensed.

“No! No Sam.  Did I make you feel that way?”  Dean watched Sam shake his head.  “I wouldn’t be laying here pressed so close to you if I thought you were disgusting.  You can never be disgusting.  You’re beautiful Sammy.”  He let his hand swoop across the underside of his belly before rubbing up the middle and then back down again.

Sam’s cheeks burned red, the color blooming in one split second.  Trying to focus on what Dean’s hands were doing to him, he purred in contentment.  “Feels good.”

“I’m glad.”  Dean paused to acquire more lotion.  When he massaged it across Sam’s stomach, he felt the tension melt out of his brother.  Sam let out a breathy satisfied sigh and arched into Dean’s touch.  He continued to stroke Sam, letting the minutes fall away until it was only the two of them left in the quiet of the room.  There were no arguments to be had, no discussions of import – only the warmth of their body heat.  When the lotion had seemingly soaked in, Dean made a movement to sit upright.

“No.”  Sam’s hand came up and caught Dean’s, keeping it pressed against his stomach.  His voice was sleepy and at ease.  “Don’t go.  Stay?  Just a little bit longer.”

Dean didn’t have to answer.  He surrendered himself back to the bed and collapsed against Sam.  He splayed his hand across Sam’s middle and it was quickly covered by his younger brother’s.  They stayed like that in silence, losing track of time again, until Dean heard Sam’s breathing drift off into the familiar sounds of sleep.  Not wanting to get up but not wanting to step over the boundary of staying the night, Dean tried a second time to pull himself upright.  This time it wasn’t Sam who stopped him but a flutter of movement under his palm.  He knew the baby moved often but this was the first time he had felt it for himself.  Dean almost pulled his hand away with the shock of it all but his mind made him press in firmly and gently.

A small smile played across his face.  He felt another thump to his hand and it sent warmth swirling though him.  With one last caress, Dean pushed himself up onto his hip, his arms still supporting his weight so that he hovered over Sam.  Leaning down in a semi-push-up, he dropped a light kiss to the swell he had been so focused on.  “I love you.”  Pulling himself up, Dean managed to slide himself out of the bed without waking Sam.  “Love you too, Sammy.”

Dean took one last quick glance at his sleeping brother.  Sam’s hair fanned out across the pillow and his lips were parted just enough for shallow breaths to escape.  Dean yanked the blanket, rumpled at the foot of the bed, up so that he could cover Sam’s naked upper torso.  Once satisfied that Sam would be okay for the night, he took his leave.  He couldn’t leave Sam now, nor could he stay in a seedy motel for the next two months. 

He needed to find somewhere to live. 

Somewhere close to _everything_ he was leaving tucked into the dorm room.


	9. April

If there was anything in life that Sam was sure of, it was the fact that Jess deserved a medal for unwavering loyalty to their friendship. And she probably deserved a piece of cake and jewelry too. But he couldn’t afford any of those so his simple thanks would have to suffice. Fortunately, Jess was more than happy with that.

He looked at the girl walking beside him as she munched on an apple and his eyebrows perked up. “How on earth could you be eating after that?” Sam frowned at the queasy feeling still making its way through his gut.

“Because I’m hungry and because I am not the one pushing a baby out in a month.” Jess took another crunching bite of her apple and smiled at her friend. “Good luck with that part by the way.”

“Thanks for your absolute sincerity.” Sarcasm dripped off Sam’s tongue as he rolled his eyes at Jess. “I don’t think I could stomach eating anything right now. That was just gross.” He scrunched up his nose in disgust.

Her voice an agitating sing song, Jess smirked. “It’s the miracle of life.” She chewed a mouthful of food before swallowing. “They never showed you that in high school?”

“They did, but not like that. Besides, that was before it was happening to me.” Sam shivered. He thought that he would have been better at handling watching birth videos. Tonight proved him wrong. Had he not been facing the reality of being pregnant, Sam was certain he would have handled it better. But watching a video of a natural labor and delivery was enough to make him light headed. Watching a caesarian section was enough to send him retching into the garbage can. Everything suddenly became applicable to his life and all he could picture was what was actually going to happen to his body in a few short weeks. Thinking about it too much was going to make him throw up again. Jess had been a trooper, volunteering to go with him to a birthing class. She hadn’t even flinched and she didn’t make fun of him for being the only person in the class to throw up. She had been more than supportive, which was why she deserved a medal, cake, jewelry and probably one of those stupid certificates of appreciation.

In the back of his mind, Sam was also thankful that she was there so he wasn’t the only single person in the room. He had been hoping the class would have one or two lone parents, but no such luck. Jess made him feel like fewer eyes were on him. She also kept up a playful banter that prevented his mind from dwelling on the bleak thoughts that were always on the verge of forming. Watching the videos and people struggling to give birth made him think the whole process was worth it for them because they got a baby in the end. He wouldn’t. He would get heartache and guilt. Maybe Jess saw it in his eyes but she kept him focused enough on other things to prevent him becoming completely depressed by the fact.

“You’ll be fine Sam. People do it every day.” Jess gave him a reassuring pat on the back.

“Says the girl who’s not ‘pushing a baby out in a month’?” Mimicking Jess’ earlier statement, Sam tried to copy her mannerisms. He put one hand on each side of his belly and stopped his walking to face his friend. “This has to come out eventually and pushing him out is fucking horrifying.” Worry washed over his face and he pulled away to try to escape the feeling of fear.

“Hey.” Jess reached out and grabbed his hand. She took a moment to pout at the worry written plainly on her friend’s face. “Hey, handsome. It’s going to be okay.” She stepped around her friend so she could face him dead on. Putting her other hand on his arm she rubbed it up and down in a comforting gesture.

Sam refocused his eyes on Jess. “You’ll be there right? When he’s born?”

“Oh gosh Sam, yes! Of course I’ll be there. I might not be on the business end of things but of course I will be there.” She put on a wide smile and squeezed his hand. “You’re my best friend. If you want me there, then that is where I will be.” Swinging his hand, she let out a surprised “umph” when Sam pulled her against his side. She nuzzled into his chest and smiled when he wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

Sam kissed the top of her head. “I love you. Do you know that?”

Jess made an artificial sound of shock. “Oh my god! Scandal! What would Dean say? What will Dylan think?” She laughed when Sam playfully pushed her away.

“Oh shut up. You know I didn’t mean it that way.”

“Yeah, I kind of don’t have the,” she cleared her throat, “equipment you seem to prefer.” Wiggling her nose in jest she continued on their walk but spun so that she could face Sam, taking careful steps backwards. “It is going to be a little surreal though, you having a baby and all.”

“Yeah…” Sam scratched the back of his head. “I’m not necessarily looking forward to it, but I am also not looking forward to getting bigger in the last month. It seems like a lose-lose situation.”

Jess raised one eyebrow. “Seriously Sam, I’ve never seen you not master anything that has been thrown your way. I am sure you will be a pro at this giving birth thing. Besides,” her voice took on an edge of distaste, “Dean is going to be there, right?”

“Jess, be nice. And obviously he will be there. Not because it is his kid, but because he wants to be.”

“Yeah, well, shouldn’t he be the one going to birthing classes with you? He put that kid in there, the least he can do is help you get him out.” Putting a hand on her hip, she huffed and spun back around so that she could fall into line beside Sam again. “Not that I mind going with you…I am just saying.”

Sam ran a hand over his face. “Yeah, I know. It’s just – well, I don’t know what is going on between the two of us. I didn’t even ask him. I am sure he would have said yes if I had. But I didn’t want to push things. I’ve had a few months to deal with this. He has had one.”

“Stop protecting him so much. It is like you are afraid he is just going to up and leave if you make him shoulder some of the burden. If that is how he feels then you are probably better off.” Jess shoved both hands in her pockets.

Growling to himself, Sam realized that was in fact what he was doing. That was what he always did. He was afraid to put too much of the burden on Dean. Since they were kids he always felt like Dean, being the oldest, had to shoulder too much of the responsibility. Trying to take more of the weight whenever he was able was an old fall back that he seemed incapable of stopping. Plus, he didn’t want to push his luck. Dean had stayed around but he still had an underlying fear that he would up and leave, forcing him once again to go through the withdrawal of a life without him. “You’re right. I should have asked him. But things are good Jess. Real good. He’s been around, he took me to doctors appointments.” Sam took a minute to observe Jess’ clearly unimpressed face. “He’s been trying. He – he fixed Jason’s car.”

With mock enthusiasm, Jess perked up. “Oh he did?! Wow. Should we throw him a party?”

“God, get over it Jess! It is my decision to make. Not yours.” Sam rolled his eyes at his friend again, his annoyance apparent in his tone of voice.

“I’m trying. I am. But I am just worried for you.” She stopped walking and grabbed Sam by the arm. “Look Sam, you have to see it from my point of view. You were a mess when I met you. You were a mess a month later when you found out about the baby. I think you’d just gotten yourself straightened out when Dean came into the picture again and sent all your pieces flying. I’m just scared. I am scared for you and I don’t want you to let him in again too quickly. I’ve been burned in the past and I wish now that I listened to my friends. I didn’t. It was a mistake. And I know it is your mistake to make, but I don’t want you to make it.” She shook her hair out to refocus herself. “There. I said it. I am done now. I will behave.” She made a crossing motion over her chest. “Cross my heart! I promise.”

Sam’s face softened, his initial anger dissipating into understanding. “I know you are not trying to stir up trouble and thanks for caring so much. I don’t think anyone other than Dean has cared that much about me.” When Jess snorted in disbelief Sam almost laughed. “I mean it. So I really do appreciate it. But I think I am going to take a chance and let Dean back in. You don’t really know the whole me, because without Dean I’ve been walking around without a part of who I am. If you give him a chance I am sure you’ll love him.”

“Doubtful.” Jess sighed and nudged herself lightly into Sam’s side. “Speaking of Dean, I know you said you guys have been spending more time together but I haven’t seen him around in a few days.”

“Yeah, I know. I don’t know what he is up to. He said he was going to be out of town for a few days but he would be back by tomorrow to come to my meeting with the adoptive parents.” Sam shrugged. He had assumed Dean was off hunting something but his brother hadn’t actually been too specific about his plans, not that he would have told Jess anyway. But what was scarier than not knowing where Dean was or if he would come back was the fact that Sam realized the other day that the nagging in his gut was actually evidence of missing Dean. Missing him in a way he hadn’t let himself feel since October. It had taken 6 months to forget how much he missed Dean and 3 weeks for all those feelings to manifest themselves in full force.

“He’s coming with you to meet Sammi and Brad?” Eyes wide with surprise, Jess peered up at Sam. “That should be interesting.”

Jess’ words were spot on. “Yeah…interesting.” Sam hoped the meeting would go well. He didn’t need Dean’s approval of his choice, but it would make the weight on his shoulders feel lighter. And he didn’t need Sammi or Brad to like Dean, but their lack of judgment would make his decision feel like the right one.

*************************************************

Dean slouched back into the chair in Kathy’s office like he couldn’t care less. His body language oozed both discomfort and disinterest. He turned his head to the side and caught the daggers Sam was sending his way. “What?”

“Could you at least act like you give a shit about this?” Sam sat rigidly in his own chair, his hands placed purposely at his sides to prevent himself from draping them around his middle.

Pulling himself up so that he looked presentable, Dean mumbled under his breath. “I do care about this. You have no idea how much I care about this.” He scanned the empty room, feeling too vulnerable without his cloak of indifference. The nervousness started to rear its head and made the wait for Kathy’s return with Sammi and Brad unbearable. Sam had to understand him; it wasn’t that he didn’t care, it was that he cared too much. Sam sitting beside him somehow conjured up every feeling inside of Dean to lay claim to his younger brother and the baby inside of him. He knew Sam’s decision to put their child up for adoption was the right one but that didn’t mean he had to like it. He didn’t like it, pure and simple. That idea stemmed from the belief instilled in him since he was a child; no one could take care of family the way blood could. Nothing would be good enough. But it had to be. He braved another look at Sam and saw that he was focusing intently on the wall ahead of him. “I’m sorry. I’m glad you asked me to come…” Dean’s words were cut off when the woman he had met moments earlier pushed open the door and ushered a petite blonde and taller man into the room. He was started when the small woman squealed and launched herself at Sam.

“Sam!” Sammi bee-lined towards Sam and hugged him the best she could before putting both hands on his belly. “Oh my gosh, you’ve gotten so big since the last time we’ve seen you! Look at you!” Her smiled reached from ear to ear as she rubbed her hands over Sam’s middle.

Sam fidgeted and bit the corner of his lip. “Yeah…” His voice tapered off as he looked around the room uncomfortably.

“Brad! Look how big Sam’s gotten!” Sammi turned towards her husband, her giddiness almost palpable. “Hey baby! How are you doing?” Her height made it easy for her to speak to Sam’s stomach and she kept both her palms pressed to it lovingly. “We got the ultrasound pictures you sent! We can’t believe how big he is getting. They are so amazing! I mean, I can’t believe how clear the last one was. His little hand, oh my gosh it was just so cute!” As she rambled on she kept both hands on Sam’s belly while he kept shifting awkwardly, the attention making him uneasy. “I wish he would kick. I’ve never felt him before.”

A strange smirk crossed Sam’s face. His baby was strangely calm. Up until 2 minutes ago he had been moving and kicking up a storm, now he lay content in Sam’s belly, as if he too didn’t like someone else invading his father’s privacy. It gave Sam a strange satisfaction that he alone held that connection with his baby because it was a connection Sammi and Brad couldn’t take away from him. “Yeah, I don’t know. He usually never stops moving.”

Sammi pouted, the expression coupled with her excited energy making her look years younger than her 30. She kept her hands on Sam’s stomach, still searching for movement. “Well I would love it if you would let us feel him when he starts to move again. If that is okay with you and everything.” She smiled and went back to talking to Sam’s stomach. “Hey little boy, are you being shy?”

Dean hopped out of his chair, a small uprising of anger burning when he saw the blonde woman latch onto his brother. He didn’t like the way she spoke to their child like he was already hers. In an attempt to change the direction of her attention he was instantly beside Sam and sticking his palm out in her direction. “I’m Dean.” His voice was monotone, the statement a declaration demanding her attention.

Sammi jumped back in surprise, Dean’s words having his desired affect and making her drop her hands to her sides while she processed what just happened. It took her a moment and her smile faltered before she regained composure and perked up again. “Oh! Oh my goodness! So you’re Dean!” She reached out a hand to shake Dean’s offered one. “Hi! I’m Sammi. And this is my husband Brad. I can’t tell you how happy I am to finally meet you. I can’t tell you how happy both Brad and I are that you two are trusting us with your child.”

Dean simply nodded, not trusting the words he felt like letting leave his mouth.

Sammi cocked her head to the side and narrowed her eyes. She let her hand drop away from Dean’s and pursed her lips. “You look familiar? Have we met before?”

“No, I don’t think so.” Dean scratched the back of his neck and tried to look innocent.

Sam caught Dean’s look and gave him a sideways glance.

“Are you sure? You look so familiar.” Sammi leaned in to get a closer look at Dean. “Are you sure you haven’t been around the L.A. area?”

“Nope. I’ve been right here with Sam. Right Sammy?” Dean smiled at Sam.

Sam hesitated and choked on the word before he got it out. “R-right.”

“Hmm.” Sammi put her hands on her hips and turned towards her husband. “Brad, come meet Dean.” She waited a moment for Brad to cross the small office and come to shake Dean’s hand. “Doesn’t he look just like the man who came to check for termites the other day? It is almost eerie.”

“Yeah, I get that a lot.” Dean shook Brad’s hand, quickly realizing that Sammi called all the shots in their marriage. Her husband, though amicable enough, seemed to respond to her cues like a well trained lap dog.

Brad pulled away again to get a good look at the older Winchester. “You do look familiar. Dean, I think you might have a doppelganger running around California.”

“Well it wouldn’t be the first time.”

Brad and Sammi laughed. Sam didn’t. Instead, he shared a private glance with Dean and mouthed, “What did you do?” His eyes narrowed further when the older man shrugged innocently. Stifling a groan, Sam conceded to the fact that Dean was up to something but he was helpless to do anything about it. He could be angry at him later. Right now he needed them to be a united force.

Kathy urged everyone to take a seat, which they did, only a moment before Sammi decided it was time to play 20 questions with Dean.

Sam shifted as the baby kicked. He did his best to make the movements unknown because he had enough belly love from Sammi for the day. Strangely made bold by this small shift in power he nudged Dean’s hand, which had made its way onto his lap, towards his stomach. Watching his brother give him a reassuring smirk Sam wasn’t sure if Dean felt the movement or if the man was just content to be the one touching Sam this time around. His brain swam with all the questions being thrown at him and he held onto Dean like a lifeline. Apparently today was going to be a long day.

************************

“I still can’t believe you did that!” Sam’s voice rose with excitement as he tried to wrap his mind around what Dean told him.

“I told you I cared Sammy. It was you who doubted exactly how far my ‘caring’ went.” Dean tossed his brother a cocky grin.

“But you actually went to their house? I mean…that is crazy. No, actually the crazy part is that you somehow convinced them into not recognizing you.”

“The force is strong with me, young Padawan.” A laugh left Dean’s mouth, vibrating right through Sam’s core. “Hey, what can I say? I’m good at what I do.”

Sam smiled, his initial anger with his brother dissipating as it always seemed to do. Walking beside Dean he realized just how close they actually were to each other; their arms or legs brushed each other’s at unplanned intervals. Every time the contact was prolonged it sent jolt of electricity through his body. Coupling that with the sound of Dean’s genuine laugh was like kryptonite, he was falling in love with him all over again. “You’re good at a lot of things.”

Raising an eyebrow, Dean let the double entendre slip by. “Yeah, well now I can add ‘breaking into my child’s future adoptive parents’ house, scoping it out, and putting up hidden devils traps and other protective runes’ to the list.”

“Yeah, I guess you can.” Sam slowed his pace, wanting to delay their arrival at their ever approaching destination, his dorm room. Dean fell into line beside him but their change of tempo led to their hands colliding and Sam grabbed onto it before it naturally swung away. “So you think they are good people?” He curled his fingers into Dean’s palm and Dean gave a squeeze back.

“They’re a little annoying but overall they seem like good people. Their house was clean and not in the merry maid type of way. It’ll be safe for him.”

Sighing softly, Sam let Dean’s words hit him. “God Dean, when I told you their names I never thought that you would end up stalking and spying on them. You are a far more protective parent than I am. I feel so stupid for yelling at you about not caring when we were in Kathy’s office.” He paused at the door, not wanting to go in but not able to figure out a way to stall. “Still, you could have gotten yourself arrested! You’re crazy.”

“But I didn’t. And now I feel better. Even though we are still trusting our baby to strangers, they don’t feel as unfamiliar to me. It made me feel better. But I still don’t like how Samantha decided that she owned your belly. It..”

Cutting his brother to the chase, Sam snorted. “Yeah, I hate that too. I know she is excited and all and that is great, but it makes me feel like I don’t really matter.” Sam’s eyes went dark. “I want to matter Dean. I am not doing this because I don’t care about the baby.”

“I know Sam.” Dean leaned to pull Sam in for a hug but their wires got crossed. Dean leaned right and Sam leaned left and they somehow ended up brushing their lips against each other.

Sam froze, his entire body stiffening up. He had one hand on the doorknob to his room and the other still curled around Dean’s. He felt Dean’s lips twitch, lingering longer than they should. Before Sam realized it was happening his brother started moving his lips against his own, kissing him with feather soft lightness. Taking a sharp intake of air, Sam wrapped his head around the sensation of lips brushing his. For the first time in months he was so close to Dean that they shared the same air. The nerves in the back of his head wanted him to pull away; the other part of his brain was too shocked to do anything other than stand there. In the end the flight mechanism kicked in and he cleared his throat before dropping Dean’s hand and pulling back. He had to shake his head slightly to pull himself out of the moment but when he finally focused enough he saw Dean staring at him, a look of abashment on his face. “Um, so I should go. I’ve got an early class tomorrow and…”

“Yeah. Of course. You should go.” Dean ran a hand through his hair.

“I um, yeah. I,” Sam pushed his dorm door open. “Yeah. So thanks for coming tonight and for dinner.” He couldn’t stand looking at Dean’s rejected body language so he averted his eyes.

“No problem.”

Biting the corner of his lip, Sam became aware that he was fidgeting. “So well, um good night.”

“Night Sammy.” Dean gave a weak smile and before he turned to leave he gave Sam one last look.

Sam stepped into his room but hung back in the doorway a moment so that he could watch Dean leave. After watching him slowly slink his way halfway down the hall he finally turned and crept into his room. As soon as he had the door closed he collapsed against it, like holding the door closed would hold back all the memories flooding his brain. His heart was hammering and he still felt Dean’s lips ghosting over his. Closing his eyes and tried to calm himself but the baby had started an incessant kicking routine as if to tell Sam he was being an idiot. Maybe the baby was right, he was being an idiot. Dean had been the one putting everything out on the line and he was hiding behind his door denying all of it. Not sure if it was the right move or if he even cared any more, Sam threw open the door. “Dean!”

The older man had apparently already planned on coming back to Sam because he was standing two paces away from Sam’s face when he finally pulled the door open all the way. There were no more words when Dean crushed Sam’s body to him, being careful to curve himself around his middle. Dean’s lips were on Sam’s the moment that their two bodies collided.

Sam swooned. He felt himself melting into Dean’s touch and open up to his brother’s affections. Finally letting himself be a full participant in the kiss, his hand’s clung to Dean’s waist – not sure if it was for balance or because he needed as much contact as possible. He was kissing Dean the way he always did; it was greedy and intense like he needed those lips more than he needed air. Letting a moan escape, Sam became bolder and fisted the collar of Dean’s shirt so that to pull him closer. Even since their first kiss Sam knew that Dean would always make him feel this way. While Sam’s kisses were messy, impatient, and intense Dean’s were deep, dangerous, and poignant. Together they were a heated combination. Sam leaned more aggressively into the kiss and must have caught Dean off guard because rather than forcing Sam to pace himself like he usually did, Dean stumbled backwards before grabbing onto Sam and crushing them together again.

“Sam.” He broke the kiss long enough to utter the name before diving in deeper. Dean’s voice became the husky growl it always did when he was aroused. His tongue grazed in insides of Sam’s mouth and he smirked into the kiss when he heard the moan it elicited.

Sam’s pulse was pounding in his ears. Dean’s lips were just like he remembered them but he thought maybe their absence had made them feel better. He looped both arms around Dean’s neck and let his weight fall forward. He knew he was throwing everything into his motions much too fast but he didn’t care. Dean had him by the hips to prevent him from going overboard, just like he always did.

“Whoa Sammy, slow down.” Dean pulled away but let his forehead rest against the younger man’s.

Their forced separation left Sam searching for air and letting out small puffs of exhalation. He locked eyes with Dean for a second before launching into another attack and throwing himself at his brother. Dean’s palms pressed firmly against Sam's back to keep him in place as he took over control of the kiss and nipped at the man’s lower lip. Sam’s hand’s were back to being greedy, roughly groping at Dean’s hips and rear. Moving against each other in the abandoned hallway he felt his own arousal swelling as hormones raced through his bloodstream. He wanted Dean, he wanted Dean very badly and that realization stopped him in his tracks. If he let Dean back in, he would be opening himself to a whole new world of hurt if he left again. Groaning as he pulled out of the kiss and stood upright Sam started stammering. “We can’t. I mean, we shouldn’t. I should – We should…” A blush swept across his face sending a burning heat to his cheeks. “I’m sorry…”

Dean was staring back at him with a shocked expression, his own chest rising and falling quicker than normal as he tried to regain composure. “What?”

“I’m sorry. It’s my fault. We can’t. It’s too complicated.” Sam brushed the back of his hand over his kiss swollen lips.

Raising his eyebrows Dean pulled back several paces. “I’d say we already dealt with the complicated part.”

Sam’s heart was thumping in his chest again but this time it was because of nerves and not lust. “I know. I’m sorry. We just can’t. Okay?” He turned his pleading eyes on Dean. What he really wanted to do was tell Dean how much he wanted him, how much he had been dying for him over the last few months, how scared he was to finally let himself have him. But those words were too powerful so he was banking on ‘sorry’ and puppy dog eyes. “Please understand Dean.” His hand intuitively came up to cradle the underside of his belly where his son was opposing his decision again.

Dean’s face was still a mixture of hurt and confusion but the edge had softened. “Yeah Sammy, if that’s what you want.” He sighed and his whole body rose and fell. Slowly in one long graceful move he came forwards to drop a kiss on Sam’s forehead. “Good night.” Sighing one more time before turning around and leaving for the second time that night, Dean’s form retreated out of view.

“Goodnight.” Sam’s words were a whisper that fell on deaf ears. He forced himself to stop watching the air Dean had just occupied and pulled himself into his dorm room, letting the door slam closed before collapsing against it. Covering his face with both hands he let out and angry growl and then slammed both fists back against the door. He was glad Jason seemed to be out for the night, not wanting to explain why he just passed up on spending the night with Dean. Staying in the darkness he made his way to his bed and collapsed onto it, not wanting to think anymore. His fist was no replacement for Dean, but he was going to have to make due.


	10. May A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - NC-17 for porn

Sam sighed, loudly, for the fifteenth time in as many minutes. Knowing he should be focusing on studying for his final exams in a few weeks he was losing the battle raging between his distracted mind and his books. It had been a week since he had seen Dean. He had talked to him plenty, but after their flash fire make out session in the hallway, his brother seemed to be limiting their face time.  
It wasn’t like Sam could blame Dean. Dean had been the one upfront with his intentions. It was Sam who kept throwing contradictory signals his way. He wished he could blame it on the baby making him crazy but Sam knew he had been sending mixed messages before the baby had even taken a steady hold on his hormones. Sighing again, he let his head drop so that the puff of air he expelled blew his bangs out of his face.

“Seriously dude, are you just going to sit there and sulk or are you attempting to become some asthmatic big bad wolf?” Jason propped himself up on his bed and let the book he was reading fall to slide down his chest.

“Sorry.” Sam slammed his book closed and swung his desk chair towards the other man. He arched his back so that he could knead out a knot forming in his lower spine. The baby shifted and it caused a chain reaction, making him wince, then need to pee, and then rub his stomach to alleviate the discomfort. Pulling himself up, he sighed again, the sound coming out of his mouth before he could even catch himself.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jason cocked his head at Sam.

“Are you sure you want to listen to the ramblings of a pregnant man with baby daddy issues?” A laugh punctuated his question and he raised both eyebrows at his roommate.

“That sounds like an interesting reality show. Sure. Shoot.” Jason swung his legs over the bed and faced Sam.

“Give me a minute. This kid likes bouncing on my bladder.” He waited for Jason’s nod before leaving the dorm to use the bathroom. On his way there and back he tried to convince himself that the baby didn’t move more when he thought about Dean, that it was all in his head. But it was becoming hard to deny that their son did like to make his presence known when Dean was involved. The baby always kicked for Dean – always. So Sam had no idea why it actually surprised him that his son was active while he spent the last 20 minutes feigning studying so that he could fixate on what he was going to do about his Dean situation.

Upon returning to the room, Sam grabbed a granola bar from his stash and plopped back down in his desk chair. “Sorry about that.”

Jason, who had resumed reading his book, pushed the text aside and propped himself up against the wall his bed aligned. “Now you are apologizing for having to pee? Seriously Sam, it’s fine. I would rather you do it out there than in here.” Jason laughed. “Geez, I know you’re pregnant. As I’ve learned, that comes with a lot of fun perks.”

“Yeah, this is real fun.” Sam snorted in annoyance before embarrassment made him cover his face with his hand. “Oh my gosh, you were being sarcastic weren’t you?” Peering at Jason from between splayed fingers, he saw the man nod. “I should've known that. I just have baby brain right now. I feel like I'm in some crazy fog and all I can think about…”

Jason smirked and cut Sam’s words off. “Is Dean?”

Sam let his hand fall away from his face. He was going to say “baby” but Jason was right. Tearing the wrapper off his granola bar, he took his frustrations out on the treat by taking an aggressive bite out of it. Grumbling shamefully through a mouthful of food he replied, “Yes.” With a groan of defeat he let his head fall onto the desk. “Is it that obvious?”

“Yep.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely.” Jason pushed himself off his bed and perched on the corner of Sam’s desk. “When you are not at class you have been sitting in here sulking for the last week. You’re thinking so hard that I can practically hear your brain waves. Not to mention the intervals of sighs.”

Lifting his head off the desk Sam gave his roommate a downfallen look. “I don’t know what to do.”

“About Dean?”

“Well, kind of.” Sam stuffed the rest of his granola bar in his mouth and swallowed so fast that he couldn’t even remember the taste of it. “About everything.”

“You mean this,” Jason let his hand hover over Sam’s belly, “everything?”

“In a way.” Sam sucked on the corner of his mouth before blurting out, “Dean kissed me.”

“So?” Jason shrugged.

“I mean he kissed me kissed me. And I kissed him back, I practically attacked him.” Sam assumed his friends had jumped to the conclusion that he and Dean has been getting closer again but he wasn’t quite sure how much they knew. Thankfully, Jason seemed to get on well with Dean, Sam was even sure he liked him. He knew that if he told Jess that tidbit she would be furious. Jason seemed to be taking most of it in stride. “It was like he opened up the flood gates.”

“I’m not seeing a problem here Sam. I mean, sure he was an asshole to you in the past but you would have to be an idiot to not see how hard he is working to make it up to you. That man loves you Sam.”

“What?” Sam’s head snapped towards Jason. Of course Dean loved him. But Sam was certain there were other things he loved more. “You don’t know that.”

Jason leaned forward in disbelief of what he just heard. “Do you really not see how much he loves you?”

Sam was almost left speechless. “How - how can you tell?”

“How can’t you? When I came to pick up Jess from the hospital on the day you went into premature labor, Dean was sitting outside your room. He looked like shit. He was still there when I came to visit you the next morning. Granted I thought he was the scum of the earth at the time but I had to give the man credit for sitting there all those hours.” Jason nudged Sam who was blinking up at him in surprise. “You didn’t know? You didn’t know Dean was sitting outside your room all that time?”

Sam turned away from Jason, his mouth moving in an attempt to express his reaction to the news but no sounds came out. He blinked again, curled his hand around the curve in his belly where they baby just kicked and turned back to staring at Jason. “I – I told him to go home.”

“Well, then he didn’t listen. He just sat there staring at the wall. He barely gave me a second thought when I walked by. Although he did unleash laser beams at Jess when she walked passed, that was pretty funny. But regardless of what he did in the past, there is only one reason why Dean would sit there all day and night.”

Sam let his head fall back onto the desk, his forehead knocking into the wood harder than he anticipated. “God! I am such an asshole!” He lifted his head up a fraction and banged it back down and then repeated the action.

“Woah, don’t take it out on your brain cells!” Jason grabbed Sam by the back of his head, fisting his long hair and yanking his friend upright. “And why exactly are you the asshole?”

“Because – Because I just am!” Sam let out a huff of air.

“Oh, well that explains everything then. Thanks.” Jason rolled his eyes and thumped Sam back on the head.

“Because of the way I’ve been treating Dean.”

“What? Really? Come one Sam, I say you have been pretty good to him. I mean, he left you alone and pregnant. So what if you are being a little guarded or wary of him? I am sure I would do the same thing.”

“Listen Jason, there are things that you are just going to have to trust me about. There are things about me and Dean’s relationship that we are never going to share with anyone. But trust me when I tell you that we both fucked up. Maybe we both are fucked up. We come from shitty situations and maybe we didn’t cared enough to realize the impact of our actions. Dean messed up and so did I but I don’t think I ever realized it. I’ve been trying to figure it all out over the past week. All I’ve cared about lately is protecting my own heart and my own life and in the process I guess I didn’t give a shit about what that meant to Dean. So you are just going to have to believe me when I tell you that what he did to me…back when I left for Stanford…well, I practically did the same to him.” Sam groaned and let his head fall into his hands, his thumbs rubbing circles into his temples.

Jason frowned and tried to figure out what to respond. He let Sam sit in silence for a few moments before interrupting his thoughts. “I like Dean Sam. I really do. And I like who you are when you two are together. If you are asking me to see this situation without blame, then I can try. But I still don’t think you did anything overly terrible.”

“Dean’s been so good. You don’t know him like I do – no one does. He is usually all rash decisions and impulse. The fact that that he is sticking around and not breathing down my neck about things is actually showing extreme restraint. And I,” Sam paused and made a vague gesture with his hands, “I’ve been so shitty to him. Because I kept letting myself think that I was going to get hurt all over again; I haven’t be able to see how good he’s been.” Sam found himself absently stroking his stomach. “I love him Jason.”

“I don’t think that is actually a secret Sam.”

“Yeah, well I haven’t said it out loud in a while. And I am doing a crap job of showing it.”

“I’m sure that is not the case,” Jason comforted.

“No, I am pretty much certain I am sending him the most mixed messages on earth. First I practically jump him in the hallway and then, when things started getting more intense, I tell him we can’t. I don’t know what he thought I meant. I meant we can’t go down that road again. I meant we can’t have sex and make things all complicated again. But god did I want to. And instead, I just pushed him away without any explanation. And Dean, well, Dean just took it. It’s why we haven’t seen each other over the past week.”

“No offense Sam, but your life doesn’t seem any less complicated because you decided not to have sex with Dean last week. If anything, I would say you created a whole new problem to mull over.”

“So you’ve noticed?” Sam ran a hand though his hair. He felt like he was 16 all over again and trying to figure out what he should do with his want for Dean; now he had complicated that initial decision by trying to figure out if he should let Dean into his pants or not. “What do I do?”

“The easy answer would be that you should tell him everything you just told me. But you’re not going to do that are you?”

Sam let his chest rise and fall dramatically. Shaking his head his words started off as a whisper. “I don’t know. Maybe. I mean maybe we were a mistake, right? Maybe we shouldn’t get all wrapped up in a relationship again. It was always complicated before; it wouldn’t be any different now.”

“Do you really believe that? It doesn’t seem to be very complicated to me. The two of you are,” Jason paused for a moment to find the right words, “I don’t know, you just kind of flow better when you are around each other, like you are unbalanced forces that equal each other out. It’s obvious to me but I think it is obvious to Jess too, which is probably why she hates Dean so much. She understands just how much you could hurt if things don’t work out with you and Dean.”

Rolling his eyes, Sam replied, “Ugh, Jess isn't really hiding her opinion. I think she thinks she is but I can read it all over her face half the time. She said she is ‘trying’ but that remains to be seen.” Sam stopped and looked down at his distended middle. His lips curled up in a sad smile as he placed both palms of each side of it. “I guess you’re right Jace – about Dean and I. We're complicated together but we are worse off apart. This baby was a mistake but I think maybe its physical presence made use deal with our issues. Does that make sense? The baby forced us to deal with whatever bullshit we had between us because this kid isn’t going to just go away if we ignore him hard enough. It’s the first concrete thing we’ve had to deal with in our relationship that neither of us could solve by running away.”

“It kind of makes sense. But dude, couldn’t you two have like gotten a puppy or something. I mean…a baby is kind of intense.”

Sam threw a box of tissues at his friend’s head. “I said it was a mistake jerk!” Despite his reaction, Sam let himself laugh.

Jason ducked and let the box sail by his head and land on the floor. Allowing his laughter fade away, Jason returned to a realm of sincerity. “You’re really going to go through with the whole adoption thing?”

That was the million dollar question, and one Sam knew his planned answer for. He swore to himself that he would stay detached from the situation but it was almost impossible to stay detached from the being growing inside of one’s body. Sam swore over and over that he wouldn’t let his mind wander to the world of daydreams where he got to watch his son grow up. He should have known that he was bad at keeping those type of promises. And now with Dean in the picture, it was pretty much impossible to stop himself from wondering if their son would have his eyes. But even though he dreamt about the things he told himself he wouldn’t, he couldn’t figure out a way to raise their child while providing him with the life he deserved. So as much as it hurt him exponentially more each day, Sam knew that his brain was making the decision his heart was too hesitant to. “Yeah. It is going to be hard but it is only fair. This kid needs a stable home with parents who can afford to raise him. And I don’t think I want to talk about it anymore.”

Putting his hands up in understanding, Jason nodded. “Say no more.” He surveyed the desk and nudged the phone in Sam’s direction. “I still think you should call Dean. Talk to him. Tell him to come over.” He pushed the phone even closer and wiggled his eyebrows. “Come on, you know you wanna.”

“I dunno.” Sam stared at the phone like it would bite him.

“I tell you what, I am spending the night at Penny’s tomorrow. I think you should call Dean and have him come over so you can talk in person. And if you two...” he made a vague sexual gesture, “then you can have some privacy.” He smirked and picked up the phone, holding it in Sam’s direction.

“Tomorrow? Tomorrow is –“

“Tomorrow is perfect! Here.” He put the phone in Sam’s limp hand. “Call. Now.”

“You make it seem so simple.” Sam sighed but his fingers were already dialing the numbers, not caring if his brain was on board yet.

“That’s because it is.” Jason hopped off the edge of the desk and mimed making out with someone. “You. Dean. Now.”

Sam flushed with embarrassment. He would have rebuked his roommate’s actions but Dean had already picked up on the other line and he had no time to think anymore. He didn’t know if it was the best idea but he could have sworn he heard his voice asking Dean to swing by tomorrow night. And he could have sworn Dean didn’t hesitate with a yes.

**********************

Over the last three hours of waiting for Dean to arrive, Sam had developed a sort of routine: pace the area in front of his desk, plop down in the chair, pretend to read the same 10 pages, go to the bathroom, double check his clothes in the small mirror on the wall, return to the dorm room, repeat. He had absolutely no idea what he was going to say to his brother. “Hi” just wasn’t going to cut it.

When there was finally a knock on the door, Sam froze. He tugged down his chocolate brown shirt and gave one last attempt at making sure he looked okay. Being tall and pregnant had severely limited his choice in clothing but he had gotten by on belly panel jeans and v-neck t-shirts. Jess told him his belly looked adorable in the tight fitting shirts but right now he just felt extremely pregnant. True, his chest had swelled but it looked more like built up chest muscles than anything else. He was all belly and the fabric of the shirt clung to his upper torso and curved out along the roundness of his middle. Deciding that he looked as good as he could possibly look, Sam pulled open the door and was greeted by his brother. Dean’s weight was shifted entirely to one leg and he looked like he couldn’t care less but the small curve in his lips told Sam otherwise. He had one hand shoved in his pocket and the other hidden behind his back and out of sight.

“Hey, Dean.” Sam moved aside so his brother could enter the room.

“Hi, Sam.” Dean ran his eyes over the taller man’s form, getting hitched on his middle.

Feeling Dean’s eyes on him, Sam splayed one hand across his belly, suddenly insecure about it. He tensed up slightly and his body language became guarded.

“Don’t.” Dean’s admonishment was a deep vibration that caught Sam by surprise.

“Huh?”

“Don’t cover yourself. You shouldn’t – you don’t need to.” Smiling gently, Dean’s voice softened. He took a step closer to Sam and let his eyes fall back to his rounded middle again. “It was weird seeing you pregnant before, but now – now it is kind of…fascinating.”

Sam picked up on the way Dean hesitated on the last word, not sure if that was the one he really intended to use. “Ohh…” He let his hand fall away as he stared perplexedly at Dean. “Listen, thanks for coming –“

Dean cut his brother off by shoving a clear take away container in his face. It held a single giant cupcake decorated with white icing and crumbled cookie pieces. “Happy birthday Sammy.”

Looking cross eyed at the cake being held out for him, Sam took a step backwards. “You remembered.”

“Of course I remembered. How could I forget something I celebrated for 19 years?” Dean looked shocked that Sam would even ask such a question.

“I don’t know…I just thought that maybe with everything going on that it would slip your mind.” Sam reached out and accepted the gift. Studying the baked good, his stomached grumbling at the mere sight of it. “Is this from Sprinkles?” He watched Dean nod. “How did you know I love these things? And you got the cookies and crème one. These are like my one pregnancy craving.”

“Jess told me.” Dean let the fact leave his mouth like it was absolutely ordinary.

Eyes wide with shock, Sam’s jaw dropped. “Jess? Jess told you this?”

“And a few other words that I gave her hell for. But...regardless how she feels about me, she loves you. She wanted you to have a good birthday so she gave me a few hints.”

“But-but Jess actually talked to you?”

“Yeah, we ran into each other out in the student parking lot the other day. To be fair, Dylan was a mediator.” Dean let go of the rest of the aloofness he wore while waiting for Sam to answer the door. “I got to give it to her, she is one determined bitch.”

“Sounds a lot like someone else I know.” Sam smirked and put the cupcake down on his desk. As much as he wanted to snack on it, he had bigger issues to deal with. Besides, the nervousness in his stomach was making him doubt he could keep food down at the current moment.

Dean looked shocked and pointed to his chest. “Who? Me? Nah, I am a hell of a lot more better looking. And I don’t really go for blondes like Dylan.”

“Oh shut up.” Sam laughed and landed a light blow to Dean’s shoulder.

“You look good Sammy.” Despite Sam’s previous moment of laughter, Dean’s sincerity was palpable.

“I look alright.” Fidgeting under the attention that once again swung in his direction, Sam avoided meeting Dean’s eyes.

“No, I mean it. You look really good. I haven’t seen you in a week. I know you hate when people point it out, but I think you got bigger.”

“Yeah, half a pound, but who’s counting?” This time Sam met Dean’s eyes and got caught in them. The weight of Dean’s stare was intense. His brother’s green eyes were a concoction of want and confusion thinly veiled by a protective barrier or detachment. Sam’s mouth went dry and his tongue snagged on the words he wanted to say. He needed to get everything out in one big rush otherwise he was afraid none of it would come out at all. “Listen Dean, I need to talk to you about the other week.” He paused to gauge Dean’s reaction but his brother just stood there expectantly. “I need to say I am sorry. I need to tell you I am sorry for being an ass. We’ve both been reckless with each other’s emotions but I never took any part of the blame. I’m doing that now. I’m sorry I ran away. I’m sorry I hid from you. I’m sorry I pulled you back in and then pushed you away. I don’t know what I’m doing and I have no idea what up from down but I do know that it makes more sense when you are around.” He took a huge breath, not sure if anything he was saying was making sense. Dean’s form tensed almost as if he was anticipating the need to deflect an approaching blow. “I haven’t been fair to you because I haven’t been able to see past the self-protective tendencies I've adapted. I just – well…” Sam screwed his face up and let the final part out in a jumble of sound. “I love you Dean. I know it’s not enough to fix everything but…I love you.”

Dean furrowed his eyebrows and watched Sam fall apart in front of him, his words exposing raw wounds and working to uncover Dean’s own. When he finally spoke it was in a slow pronunciation of each syllable. “Sometimes – sometimes it’s enough.” He closed the gap between the two of them with two long strides and his hands were cupping Sam’s cheek before the younger man could grasp what just happened. “Sometimes that is everything.”

A tear leaked out of Sam's eye but he let out a short happy laugh, a laugh of disbelief that things could be put so simply. He instinctively leaned his tear streaked cheek into the cup of Dean’s hand while the other man brushed away the droplet with the pad of his thumb. “I love you.” He knew he should say something else but his voice was stuck on repeat.

Dean smiled and used his gentle grip on Sam’s face to pull him closer as he crushed their lips together. It was like the last time they kissed but softer. Moving his lips against Sam’s, he eased off every few seconds so that a single action was made by stringing several small kisses together. He didn’t let go of Sam’s face and kept their bodies closely pressed together. When he finally did pull away it was only millimeters, leaving their noses still touching. “I love you too. So damn much.” He let Sam take in a shuddering breath before sealing their lips together, this time teasing Sam’s mouth with his tongue.

At Dean’s touch, the tension Sam had been holding dropped away. He grabbed onto the area just above the waist of Dean’s jeans, his fingers curling into the man’s warm body. Dean was real. This was real. Having the slight height advantage, Sam crowded into Dean, intensifying the kiss and taking all that he could get while still begging for more.

Dean pulled away laughing, his kiss swollen lips curving up in a cocky smile. “You’re so greedy Sam.”

“Only when you're involved.” Sam let out shallow breaths. He pulled Dean closer again, happy when he felt no resistance. No one could make Dean do something he didn’t want to do, so the fact that he all too willingly surrendered to the kiss again made Sam grin in satisfaction. Their lip lock had dissolved into nipping kisses and flicks of tongues and both men fighting over who was in charge of the kiss – Dean won, he always won, but Sam put up one hell of a fight.

Sam moaned in response to the the sudden motion of Dean pushing him backwards towards the bed. Dean’s lips didn’t leave his mouth but his movements were careful and calculated as he gently ushered Sam to take a seat on the edge of the bed. The taller man scooted backwards so that Dean could crawl over him on hands and knees, his body bowed so that he didn’t put any weight on Sam’s middle. The realization that Dean’s hands were tugging and pulling at the hem of his shirt made Sam shiver and close his eyes. Heart hammering in his chest, Sam pulled away long enough to help his brother rid him of his top but he attacked the man’s lip as soon as the neck of the shirt has cleared his head. Sam could tell by the way Dean jerked his body that he was busy unbuttoning his own shirt and shrugging his shoulders to let it fall to the floor. His hands went up to the man’s toned chest to confirm his assumption and he sighed into the kiss.

Dean grabbed Sam by the face again, this time getting a stronger grip on his jaw. He wasn’t rough but he wasn’t treating Sam like he would break either. It’s refreshing. After so many people making Sam feel like he is fragile, Dean knew exactly how to work with him. Suddenly Dean’s lips were moving against his jaw line and licking against the sensitive flesh underneath. Whimpers filled the room when Sam felt Dean twist his face aside and start an attack on his neck. Sam’s going to lose the battle; he was already melting into the attention, bringing one hand up to cup the back of Dean’s head and prevent him from going too far.

When Sam’s long fingers went for Dean’s belt buckle the older man froze. He was flushed with lust but he pulled himself upright, still staying on his knees but raising his torso vertically.

“What?” Sam cocked his head to the left. He couldn't figure out why on earth Dean would stop now. The baby shifted, making him remember instantly. “Is it this?” He dropped his hands away from Dean to curl one arm over and one arm under the swell in his middle. His posture dropped and he curled in on himself.

Realization hit Dean and he was taken aback by the words. “Oh god no! I mean….well not in the way you are thinking. You are beautiful.” He took one hand and tilted Sam’s downward facing chin back up so that their eyes meet. To prove the truth in his words he leaned forward and planted a strong but loving kiss to his lips. It took a moment but he was able to work Sam’s lips open again, work them back to molding against his. After a few more kisses and leaving them both sufficiently out of breath again Dean slowly pulled away but let his hands fall on Sam’s stomach to keep the connection between them. “You’re perfect. I just…is it okay? If we have sex? Is that okay? Because god I want to, I don’t want you to think I don’t. But I don’t want to hurt you two either.”

Sam didn’t know how to react to Dean’s sudden and genuine concern. It was both sweet and touching and Sam could only respond by leaning forward and kissing him again. He decided that kissing was much better than talking right now; with Dean’s hands still curled protectively on his stomach Sam didn’t want to do much more than live in this moment. He eventually sighed into the kiss and pulled away so that his lips ghosted Dean’s ear. “It’s fine. I asked the doctor.”

“You did?” Dean walked his fingers up Sam’s torso so he could grab him by each shoulder. He held the younger man at arm’s length and smiled with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“I did.” Sam figured that Dean’s attitude must have been infectious because he could feel the corners of his eyes squinting dangerously. He liked where he knew Dean’s mind is going.

“You’re always so damn smart Sammy.”

Sam didn’t get to respond because Dean was shoving him back on the bed. He landed with an “ouff” on the pillows by the headboard while Dean tried to figure out a way to get Sam’s pants and underwear off. They’d been kissing so long that Sam’s brain was foggy and the whole series of motion leaves him unable to do anything but watch Dean move and succumb to the arousal nipping at his brain. “Dean I…oh!” He was cut off when he felt Dean’s lips against his naked inner left thigh. The stubble on the man’s face scraped the sensitive skin there, making Sam arch his back, pushing his head into the pillow while his legs fell open for Dean. Dean’s never had to work for it before, Sam always crumbled way to fast to put up a charade of being hard to get. They both don't seem to mind; if anything, it spurred Dean on more, giving him the confidence to drop his kisses higher – exactly where thigh meets groin.

There were no more words after that. Sam made a pleading noise in the back of his throat and felt Dean shoving his legs apart, felt his kisses along the length of his dick, felt his tongue tease the tip. He’s gone from nothing to rock hard in 60 seconds and Dean’s hot breath over his hardened length was torture. He knew he was making those greedy begging noises that made him blush when he thought about them, but Dean loves them. Craning his neck to see, Sam found Dean lying on his belly between Sam’s legs and in one swift movement the older man yanked one of Sam’s legs out of the way and exposed his entrance. The older man was licking and sucking the skin around it, his talented tongue teasing every nerve ending to life. No one had touched him like this in months and when Dean’s tongue finally slid inside him, he felt like he was going to jump off of the bed. The sensations hit him all at once making him squirm but Dean had one hip firmly held down in an attempt to keep him in place.

Sam slammed a hand over his mouth in an attempt to stifle the shout he let out. His coherence was going to pieces as the seconds ticked by but he didn’t care because Dean had moved onto sucking his dick and using his saliva coated fingers to coax him open. He was sure Dean started with one finger but all the minutes are blurring and suddenly there were two – three – fingers sliding into him in a paced rhythm. Not certain how long Dean’s been going to town on him, Sam started to believe his brothers statement about him being greedy; but Sam knew he was tight, he knew Dean’s just being thorough. Letting out another whimper, he bucked his hips when the tip of his cock hit the back of Dean’s throat – again. Dean growled around his length and sucked him one last time before coming up for air.

Staring at Dean, still clad in his jeans, made Sam think he really should even the playing field and get those pants off his brother. Shimmying up the bed, he managed to slide out, big belly and all, from under Dean. They rose together and his movements were sloppy but when he reached out to unbuckle Dean’s belt, his hands steady enough to make quick work of the task. He had the button undone and the zipper pulled down just enough that he could slide his hand inside and palm the hardness straining to be free. By the time he got the zipper all the way down he was back to being sloppy again, clumsily falling against Dean’s chest and trying to attack his lips. Even though he was on his knees, he stumbled a bit and had to grab onto his brother to steady himself. He was too anxious; it should've been unbecoming. But Dean apparently found it charming because Dean had a huge smile on; Sam could feel the curve of his mouth even through the kiss.

“Lay back.” Dean’s voice was husky and rough, sending sparks of electricity through Sam’s spine.

“Can’t. I’m not comfortable on my back for too long.” Sam bit the corner of his lip. “But I want to try something.” He pushed Dean’s chest firmly, sending the man bouncing onto his back. “You can’t laugh at me if it fails.”

The mischievous glint was back in Dean's eyes. “Anything you want Sammy.”

Sam has no idea what’d possessed him, but he took a moment to regain his composure while he fetched a bottle of lube from his nightstand. Dean was watching his every movement and he could tell his brother was itching to get his hands on him again. Learning early on that Dean liked to be in control of things, Sam took the moment to force Dean to surrender some of the control. He’d never been so bold before, but the baby was making him crazy and he was so horny that he needed to have exactly what he wanted right now or he was going to kill someone. Tugging the half discarded jeans the rest of the way off Dean’s legs, Sam squeezed a dollop of lube into his palm and stoked Dean’s ridged length. His reward was a throaty grown and an involuntary shift of the hips. Only having patience enough for several more strokes to ensure the older man is completely coated, Sam climbed onto the bed.

“Sam, what are you –“

Shutting Dean up with a finger to his lips, Sam swung one leg over his brother’s body so that he was straddling his thighs. He’d never been confident enough to ride Dean, and he had no idea what made him think he could do it while 36 weeks pregnant, but he lifted himself up and moved forward while reaching back to align Dean’s dick with his stretched hole. The sound of Dean taking a sharp breath in anticipation made him smirk. He slid himself back and down onto the hardened flesh, hissing at the slight pain of intrusion. It didn’t last long though and he was done with taking his time. He slammed down hard, the movement reckless and powerful, until he is filled with the entirety of Dean's blood-thick arousal.

“Fuck Sammy!” Dean’s hips jolted and his fingers dug so hard into Sam’s thigh that he’d probably leave a bruise. His eyes were love drunk and he was staring at Sam again through lidded eyes.

Sam repeated the movement, lifting up and then slamming back down. He wasn't being gentle but he was being thorough. Rocking his hips, he started making figure-eight patterns in the time between sliding his tight entrance up and down Dean’s straining cock. He got lost in the feeling and threw his head back, letting the sensation of finally having Dean inside of him after eight months sink in. Catching sight of his brother in the mist of impaling himself yet again, he noticed that Dean’s mouth had become an ‘O’ and his face was tense, like he was about to be thrown over the edge. He was awareof Dean staring at him, eyes taking in his pregnant form in all its glory, but this time it didn’t make him feel vulnerable; it was quite the opposite. It fuels him even more, making him slam down faster and harder.

He wished he could keep this up longer but it was getting difficult to keep up the rapid, intense pace. Each movement was becoming animalistic and jagged, the motions not fitting together but causing a loud growl of arousal from Dean. He knew he did something right when Dean cursed under his breath and grabbed his hips, guiding him exactly where Dean wanted him.

Panting and legs cramping up, Sam bowed his head to get closer to Dean. He was still bouncing up and down on his brother's length, the movement causing his words to come out between small puffs of air. “I can’t keep this up much longer.”

Making a passionate breathy sound, Dean started coming undone. “You don’t have to.”

Even though he was surprised Dean was so close so soon, Sam didn’t falter. He tapped into his reserves and picked up a rhythm that filled the room with heavy breathing and twitching muscles.

Dean went rigid, his head thrown back onto the mattress and his neck straining with tension. “OhshitfuckSammy.” The words came out as one and he yanked Sam’s hips down as he came deep inside him. He shivered and bucked his hips once, but he mostly just surrendered to being surrounded by Sam’s tight heat.

Sam slowed his movement enough so that he could lean forward and balance himself on one hand. Reaching down under his belly, he ran the pad of his thumb across the growing accumulation of precum at the tip of his dick and used the substance to start pumping his own arousal. He came quickly, he knew better than to think he wouldn’t. Feeling Dean still tightly fitted inside of him and watching him ride out his orgasm was enough to send him over the edge. As the orgasm ripped through him he had Dean’s name on his tongue and he couldn’t seem to remember how to breathe in. The only sounds in the room were his breathy moans of pleasure as he rode out the last sensations coursing though his body.

Dean ended up coming back to the world of the living in time to catch Sam’s shaky body. Gently guiding him down to the bed so he could lie on his side, Dean curled his body around the pregnant man’s. They were both sweaty and quivering but Dean had a goofy grin on his face.

Because his brother was pressed so closely behind him, Sam could feel Dean’s heart still hammering. He couldn’t believe what he just did and embarrassment would have set in had he not felt Dean’s smile nuzzling the back of his neck. Clearly he had done something right, something very right. He hadn’t expected to be able to pull that off, but the evidence of his success was coating his inner thighs.

Breaking the silence, Dean tilted his head up to speak softly near Sam’s ear. “Good god Sam, what was that?”

“That is ‘I-haven’t-had-sex-in-8-months, that’s what that was.” Sam sighed and snuggled back into Dean’s arms. He made a content purr when he felt the man’s hands come to rest around his stomach. The baby was being quiet, not the eerie kind of quite but the good sated type of quiet. “I guess you wouldn’t know what that was like.”

There was a long pause. “Actually I do.”

“What?!” Sam was so shocked by that reply that he arched his neck unnaturally to try and get a glimpse at Dean so as to judge if he was lying. “Yeah right.”

“I’m serious.”

And by the sound of Dean’s voice, Sam knew he was. “Really?” His tone became soft and lovey.

Dean let out a faint sigh and tightened his hold on Sam. “Yeah, but I have to be honest…I did try.” Sam scoffed and Dean tugged him closer still. “But I couldn’t. I mean, I just couldn’t. It was all wrong. I haven’t been able to…you know…since you left.”

At first, Sam didn’t know if his crazy brain was hurt by the fact that Dean had tried to sleep with other people. Then the anger turned into jealousy. Of course Dean would have tried to move on; there was nothing wrong with that. But those stupid idiots who tried to get with Dean? Sam was glad he didn’t know who they were or he would be on a whole new hunting expedition. The rational part of his brain read between the lines of Dean’s admission. Instead of anger or jealousy, all he was left with was one thought. “I love you.”

The older man laughed. “So you’ve said.” Dropping soft kisses onto the back of Sam’s neck, Dean kissed up to the hairline and inhaled the man’s scent. His hand rubbed slow patterns on Sam’s rounded middle, fingers tiptoeing across the flesh every now and then. “You’re okay right? The baby is all good?”

“Mmm hmm.” Sam nodded contently. “You have no idea how much it sucks to be so pregnant and horny sometimes and have no one to help you out.”

Dean sucked on the skin behind Sam’s ear and nipped at him gently. “No, I don’t.” He shifted his hips to rock slightly against Sam’s backside. “We could make up for lost time.”

Sam’s eyes popped wide open. He felt Dean grinding against him, could swear he felt his dick hardening with arousal. It wasn’t extremely shocking, Dean had quickly become ready for a second go around in the past, but it did make him shiver. “Already?”

“I spent 8 months trying to forget why fucking you was so good. Let’s just say that I am a little over anxious to remind myself why I will never want to do that again.” Dean’s words were velvet rich, making Sam putty again.

“Are you sure…oh…oh!” Sam’s head lolled back as Dean shifted and lifted his left leg up so that he could slide his hardened length into Sam’s still slick hole. After a handful of teasing thrusts, Dean didn’t wait long to bury himself to the hilt. “Oh Dean!” The position made it easy for Dean to work himself in and out of the younger man, making Sam’s body jolt forward with each deep thrust.

Sam moaned, his body opening up for Dean over and over and over again. Of two things he was sure. One – He was going to orgasm and soon. Two – He wasn’t leaving this bed for a very long time.


	11. May B

When Sam wakes it is to the sound of someone probably trying not to make a sound.  He is sprawled out in bed, resting on his side with his hair fanned out over the pillow, an his extra pillow tucked under his belly.  The noise isn't enough to wake him fully but the smell of coffee flooding his nostrils is.  Yawning, he pulls himself out of sleep and takes a moment to assess the situation before opening his eyes.  He is sore, but not in a bad way.  It’s a good hurt, like his body isn't ready to let him forget what made it ache.   But he is also rested, his brain having a hard time remembering the last time he'd slept so soundly.

Blinking his eyes open, Sam sits up lazily in bed.  The sheets pool around him to reveal his naked body.   Sitting cross legged, his belly settles perfectly into his lap.  He absently rubs the swell as he scans the small dorm room.  He takes a sharp inhalation of breath when he sees Dean fiddling with the small coffee maker he shares with Jason.  Dean is clad in only his underwear, letting Sam’s eyes appreciate the muscles rippling across his back.  He wants to say something more meaningful but all that comes out is a surprised, “you’re still here.”

Sam’s voice must have startled the older man because Dean spins around in a sudden jerky motion.  He gives his brother a squinted confused look.  “Yeah, why wouldn't I be?”  He pauses and scratches the back of his neck.  “Unless – you didn't want me to stay.  You kind of just passed out and I was so comfortable –“

Quickly cutting Dean’s words off so that they didn’t go to that dark place of uncertainty, Sam puts up his hands to stop him.  “No.  No, I wanted you to stay.  I just didn't think you would.  The last time I fell asleep in bed beside you I woke up in the middle of the night to find myself alone.”

Dean sighs and his eyes set into a sad smile.  “Oh.  That.”  He turns back towards the coffee machine so he can retrieve two mugs.  “I left that night because I didn’t want to overstep any boundaries.  Things between us were more than 'just complicated' at that point and I think they still are.  I didn’t want to impose.”  He held out one mug filled hand towards the pregnant man.  “For what it’s worth, I hated leaving.”

“Well, that's worth something.”  Sam grabbed the mug with both hands.  He notices Dean is sipping out of Jason’s photo mug with pictures of his nephew Jack on it.  He takes a sip of the coffee from his own plain black mug and smiles.  It is exactly the way he likes it, no sugar and all milk.  He must have made a satisfied sound because Dean is smirking at him like he knows he’s done something good.

“I feel like a terrible person even giving you that coffee.”  Dean takes another sip of his own. 

“Don’t.  I can have a cup of coffee every now and then.”  Sam relaxes into the comfort of the morning.  The small window on the side of the room is bathing everything in a soft white light and his dorm is relatively quiet.  He is glad Dean stayed, not only because he knows he would be heartbroken if he woke up alone, but because he feels calmer around him.  He notices Dean staring at him. “What?”

Dean laughs quietly and shakes his head.  “Nothing.”  He looks up to find the younger man still looking questioningly at him.  “You just look...kinda adorable right now, all sleepy and bedraggled and holding onto that cup of coffee with both hands.”

Sam blushes and transfers his coffee to his left hand so he can smooth down his hair with his right.  “I’m  _not_  adorable.” He mock scowls at Dean.  Truth is, he knows he probably looks like a kid right now, all wide eyed from shock that Dean is still there.  He watches Dean swallow another mouthful of coffee, watches his throat muscles move, and his mouth goes slightly dry.  Taking another mouthful of coffee, he tries not to think about how good Dean looks when his muscles tense.

Dean stalks to the edge of the bed and climbs onto it.  His eyes don’t leave Sam’s and the hand holding his mug of coffee is steady enough as to not spill a drop.  “You’re right.  You’re not adorable.  But you are damn good looking.”  He crowds into Sam’s personal space, making the pregnant man lean back to accommodate him.  Right before he attacks Sam’s lips he gives a Cheshire grin.

The movement is so sudden that Sam barely has enough time to steady the hand holding his coffee.  He moans into the kiss, Dean’s lips quickly working his own into a greedy fervor.  When Dean dips his tongue into the heat of Sam’s mouth, the taste of coffee rushes his senses.  Blindly lowering his arm and hoping his guessing is correct, Sam deposits his coffee onto the nightstand beside the bed; it teeters precariously on the edge but it doesn’t fall.  With two free hands Sam is able to cup Dean’s face with both palms and hold onto him as they take up the familiar fight for dominance of their kiss.

Pulling away long enough to set his own coffee down on the floor, Dean smirks at the blush in Sam’s cheeks.  Sam is staring at him with a slightly parted mouth, hand splayed out behind him to brace his body weight.  His crossed legs have fallen open, a silent consent for Dean to move between them.  With a possessive yank, Dean pulls Sam flush against his upper torso and leans in for another kiss.  This time, the kiss is quick, the older man trailing it off so that he can kiss his way along Sam’s jaw line and finally down his neck, sucking softly on the pulse.

Sam is surprised how quickly he is getting lost in the motions.  He opens his neck up to Dean and arches his back.  The coffee or Dean’s ministrations must have woke the baby up because he is shifting and stretching inside of Sam’s belly.  Sam mentally begs his son to behave just a little longer because Dean’s lips on his neck feel amazing and as much fun as they had last night they still have a lot of time to make up for.

Dean gently pushes Sam back so that he can recline against the pillows once again.  He hovers over him in thought before his hands go to Sam’s middle, palms pressed flat against it, fingers splayed along the curve.  The baby kicks and Dean’s hand catches the movement.  “He’s awake.”

“Yeah.”  Sam’s voice is breathy and calm.  He doesn’t have much else to say.  The feeling of Dean’s hands gently stoking his belly make him sigh contently as he folds both arms behind his head so that he can prop it up at a better angle.

Leaning down, Dean kisses a line along the middle of Sam’s stomach.  He lingers near the spot where he felt the baby kick and drops several more kisses in its place. 

Sam thinks his brother’s attentions are cute, touching even.  He watches Dean smile after coming up from kissing Sam’s warm skin.  He is so insanely happy and calm in this moment that he dreads it ending.  Everything was always simple with him and Dean when they were just the two of them; it was the other times, the in between times, that complicated everything.

Peering over Sam’s belly so that he could lock eyes with his brother, Dean’s voice became quiet.  “Is it weird that I love him, even though I know we are not going to be the ones raising him?”

Dean’s words hit Sam square in the heart.  “I love him too. “  He props himself up further so that he can see Dean more clearly.  “I think that’s why we want him to have the best life possible.” 

“Yeah.”  Dean’s voice takes on a quality that Sam can’t put his finger on.  “Yeah, I guess that makes sense.”  He drops his eyes from Sam’s and looks at the curve of Sam’s stomach.  Pressing his cheek to the right side of his brother’s baby belly, Dean can sense the subtle movement from within. 

Sam feels Dean smile against his skin and then start to drop kisses along his stomach again.  He thinks it is sweet but then Dean’s kisses trail down the left side of his stomach and land on the area of skin where his legs meet torso.  His eyes practically roll back and Dean sucks on the sensitive flesh there.  Dropping the tension in his hands, he falls back against the bed, subconsciously raising his hips into Dean’s actions.

Everything goes a little hazy; Sam doesn't have the willpower to stay composed enough to enjoy Dean’s slow pleasurable torture.  All of his brother’s movements become blurred into one.  First, Dean is nipping at his hip bone, forcing his legs apart, and then kissing his way down towards his quickly hardening length.  Sam gasps when Dean swallows him down in one quick bob of is head.  At some point Dean reaches up a hand to interlace his and Sam’s fingers together.  It occurs to Sam that it only took 10 hours for them to find their way back to the way things used to be.  Dean keeps up a steady rhythm and before Sam knows it, he is writhing on the bed, covered in a thin sheen of sweat as he comes down his brother’s throat. 

Laying there, trying to recover enough for whatever Dean had planned next, Sam closes his eyes.  His whole body is shaking with the residual effects from his orgasm and he wants to say something to Dean but his words are all gibberish.  He feels Dean trying to work him open but his mind is brought back to more pressing matters when the baby kicks his bladder.  Sighing, Sam thinks maybe he can ignore it.

He gets another kick to the bladder.

Sam groans in frustration and pushes Dean away and struggles to get up in bed.  The older man is looking at him in confusion.  “I gotta go pee.”

“Really?”  Dean lets out a thwarted growl and Sam can tell he is worked up, the man s practically pulsating with arousal.

“Really.”  Sam gets out of the bed he really doesn’t want to leave.  “I can’t help it.  This kid likes being the center of my attention almost as much as he likes attacking my bladder.”  Scanning the room before walking over to a neat pile of clothing along the wall, Sam pulls out a pair of lounge pants and shirt.  He tugs them on a quickly as possible, his stomach cutting the silence with a loud growl.

“Don’t be gone too long.  We are finishing what we started when you come back.” With a defeated plop Dean drops himself onto the middle of the bed.  Sam is giving him a sheepish look and he is worried about what that means.  “What?”

“Actually, I am starving.”  He straightens out his shirt and gives Dean an apologetic shrug.  As if to prove Sam’s point, his stomach growls again.  “See.  Starving.”  Sam feels bad leaving Dean hanging but their kid wants attention and he has less patience than either of them do, which isn’t saying much.  “Can we take a rain check and get something to eat?”

Dean’s grimace softens at Sam’s sincere plead.  “Yeah.  But don’t think I won’t cash in, because I will.”  He smirks and pulls himself off the bed.  His disappointment about the situation doesn’t seem to last long because he takes to nervously cupping the back of his neck.  “Actually, there is something I wanted to show you this afternoon.  Maybe we could get some breakfast and then I could take you somewhere?”

Sam has seen Dean nervous more in the last few weeks than he has in his entire life.  He narrows his eyes at the other man, unable to wrap his mind around what Dean could possibly want to show him.  But he is promising breakfast and his eyes look so hopeful.  “What kind of something?”

“Just something.  Don’t worry about it.  I’ll explain when we get there.”  Noting Sam’s still skeptical face he concludes with, “It’s a good something.  I promise.”

The promise of ‘a good something’ is enough to make Sam agree right away.  Dean doesn’t try to surprise him often, at least not purposely because he has had plenty of other surprises – the baby being one of them.  “Yeah, okay.  But showers first, I am disgusting.  Then breakfast. Then ‘something’. Okay?”

“Deal.”  Dean bends down to pick up his clothing from the floor.  “But then I get to cash in my rain check.”

Grabbing his shower products Sam throws his brother a wink over his shoulder.  His voice takes on a mischievous quality, “Oh, I was counting on that.”  When he turns to head towards the shower, Sam doesn't have to look back to know that Dean is excited about that idea.

******************************************

Sam stood in the middle of a large white room trying to make sense of it all.  He absently put a hand on his lower back to relieve some pressure as he walked the parameters of the room, stopping in front of a small but basic kitchen set up.  His breakfast sat heavy in his stomach and Sam wondered if eating too much was causing the tight feeling in his belly or if it was just his mind playing tricks on him.  “What is this place?”

“My apartment.”  Dean answered matter-of-factly, his smile revealing that he was enjoying Sam’s bewilderment.

Almost choking on his next inhalation of air, Sam had to cough before being able to response.  “Your what?”

“I know it is just a small studio apartment but it is mine for now.”  Crossing his arms over his chest Dean leaned back against the wall, watching his younger brother continue to explore.

“You got an apartment?”

“Yep.”

“ _You_  got an apartment?”  Sam saunters over to Dean so he can stare him plain in the face.  In his whole life Dean has never stayed in one place long enough to get his own apartment.  If this is a joke then it is an awfully cruel one.

“I just got the keys yesterday.  I don’t have much stuff to put in here, but I figure I would find a cheap used bed and work from there.”

“How can you afford this?”  The apartment is small but it is right near his college which means it probably comes with a higher price tag than one would think. 

Dean looks offended but it is over dramatized to let Sam know he doesn’t really mean it.  “I have my ways.” 

Sam starts staring him down like the disappointment in his eyes is going to come flowing out at any minute.  They both know that they are used to doing things on just the wrong side of the law: lying, credit card fraud, false identities.  It is one of the things about his old life that Sam wanted to get away from.  If Dean thinks he is going to be okay with letting that type of lifestyle back in then he is sorely mistaken.

“Easy there Sammy.  I am paying for this apartment fair and square.  I may have fudged the background check a little, but that is it, I swear!”  Dean puts both of his hands on Sam’s shoulder to ease the tension out of them.

His brother’s words don’t put him anymore at ease.  Hunting is the only job Dean has and that doesn’t come with a paycheck.  The tension in his middle intensifies but it isn’t so bad that Sam can’t ignore it for now.  “How are you paying for it Dean?”

“Do you remember when I fixed Jason’s car?”  Dean waited for Sam to nod in recollection.  “Well, he told one of his classmates that I could fix his car better than any mechanic around here and for less money too.  That person told another person and so on and so forth.  Half of these kids could probably fix their own damn cars if they had any clue how a car worked.  Most of them are easy fixes, I can do it right in the parking lot.  I get paid and your graduating class stays supplied with working automobiles.  Win-win situation.  I mean it Sammy, it is like an untapped gold mine.”

Sam stares at Dean, suddenly feeling stupid for ever doubting him in the first place.  It makes so much sense now that he has heard it spoken out loud.  “You got a job?”

“If you call working on cars and pocketing all the money for myself a job then yes.  I guess so.”  Dean shrugs. 

Sam is speechless for a moment.  He had no idea that his brother got a job, unprompted, let alone an apartment.  It is what he wanted for them back in August and he wished this all happened differently, but they got to this place eventually and that is what he needs to focus on.  “Why?  Why did you get an apartment?”

Looking away, Dean pushes off from the wall and walks away from his brother.  Sam knows it is because he doesn’t want to let the emotions that are flooding his words being seen on his face.  It is stupid but if Dean feels better trying to stay slightly guarded, Sam will let him have that.  When he finally turns to face Sam his eyes are heavy with sincerity.  “For you.  I got this for you.”

“Me? But…”

“When you were in the hospital I told you I wasn’t going anywhere.  I meant it.  I am  _not_  going anywhere.  You are due in a little less than 4 weeks and I am sticking right by your side.  But I can’t keep staying in a motel room.  Besides, this is closer to you…should you need anything.”  Dean shoved both hands in his pockets and looked around uncomfortably. 

Sam brings his fingers to his mouth.  He never thought Dean would go back on his promise, but he didn’t think he would treat it this intensely either.  He knows he should just be happy with the news he just heard but he’s been hurt before and his brain won’t live it alone.  “And after 4 weeks, you’ll go?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“No, you didn’t.”  Sam can read between the lines.  Dean didn’t say he would leave.  But he didn’t say he would stay either.  From his brother’s body language he is banking on stay.  Dean is just being too stubborn or too afraid to say anything.  He is uncomfortable but he makes his way towards Dean and leans in for a quick kiss.  “Thank you.”  His words are a whisper and he lets his head fall against the older man’s.

“You don’t have to.  But you are welcome all the same.”   Dean loops his arms around the small of Sam’s back and they sway together.  “So, do you like it?”  He watched Sam nod silently, a smile on his face.  “I couldn’t wait to tell you.”

Sam pulled away enough to look at his brother.  “I’m glad you’re doing this.”  His mind started racing and he gave a silent curse to his pregnancy for making him so emotional.  He felt his eyes water up but kept the tears inside.  “I felt like no one understood how I was feeling, and then you came and,” Sam paused to snuffle and blink back tears.  “I need you so much right now.”

“I’m right here.  I’m not going anywhere.” Dean tugged Sam into a tighter embrace, this time burying his nose in the younger man’s hair so he could inhale his scent.  He lingered there until he felt Sam tense up and let out a puff of air.  “Sammy?”

“Oww.”  Sam screwed his face up in discomfort and rubbed the sides of his belly.  He felt the long lines of his muscles tightening and cramping up.  I had been happening for a while but this time hurt too much to ignore.

Dean tried to read his brother’s face but found he couldn’t.  Instead he tried questioning the man again.  “What is it Sammy?”

“I dunno.  It hurts.  Like really bad cramps.”

“Hurt like it hurt when you went into labor?”  Fully alert now, Dean’s heart is pounding.

“Maybe, kind of.  It’s different though.”  Wincing, Sam rubbed the side of his stomach.  “It happened maybe four times since breakfast.”  Staring up at Dean with worried eyes Sam mulled over the possibilities in his head.  “It really hurts.”  Sam bit his lip and wrinkled his nose up in pain.

“I think maybe we should go to the hospital Sam or at least your doctor.  I mean, after last time and all…” Dean doesn’t let himself finish his thoughts; he is too wrapped up in all things Sam.

Nodding in agreement Sam starts getting ahead of himself.  He doesn’t want to have a baby right now.  There are still finals to take and things to be done.  “Because of last time Dr. Saunders told me to come in if I felt anything like contractions.  I guess whatever this is, it is like a contraction.”  His voice betrays him and Dean picks up on his nervousness immediately.

“It’ll be okay Sammy.  Let’s go get you checked out and figure out what is going on.”  He tried to pull Sam alongside him so they can make it to the door but the man seems frozen in place.  Dean ran a reassuring hand down Sam’s arm in an attempt to calm him. “It’s going to be okay.”

It isn’t that Sam doesn’t believe those words, it is that he has had his share of bad luck in the past.  But with Dean looking at him so earnestly it is hard not to believe him.  “Okay.”  He lets himself be lead out of the apartment, Dean’s hand a tight fit around his.

****************************************

Sam felt like an idiot, but he guessed that is how everyone who has made the same mistake as him felt.  Finally back in his dorm room after several hours at the hospital and Sam can’t believe he freaked out for nothing.  Dr. Saunder’s happened to be on call and he made checking on Sam a top priority.  Armed with the knowledge that he was just in false labor and that he should try to stay properly hydrated to prevent feeling the Braxton Hicks contractions Sam was sent home.  While Dean was grateful that they had been safe rather than sorry, Sam was embarrassed.  What kind of shitty father was he that he didn’t even know if he was in labor or not.  It didn’t matter that millions of people make the same mistake.  Sam was a perfectionist and he felt silly for panicking earlier.

“Come back to planet earth Sam.”  Dean moved across the room and sat down on the edge of the bed.  “What are you thinking about?”

“That I’m an idiot.”  Sam crossed both arms over his chest.

Dean made a noise of understanding and rested his hand on Sam’s thigh.  “Aww, Sammy.  You’re not an idiot.  Seriously!  The last time I checked you’ve never had a baby before.  And your doctor did tell you to come in if you felt anything out of the ordinary.  You were just following doctor’s orders.”  He tried to ruffle Sam’s hair but the younger man pushed him away.

“You see, the rational part of my brain knows that.  But I feel stupid for making you worry and for getting all worked up.”

“I hate to break it to you Sam but I am going to worry about you regardless of what you do or say.  I’ve kind of been doing that since you were born.  It worked out well in the past and I have no intention of stopping.”  Dean shrugs.

Sam can’t help but acknowledge how amazing Dean has been.  He is glad that he had Dean by his side today even though it turned out to be nothing.  Yawning despite himself, Sam couldn’t believe how long this day seemed to feel.  But in spite of it all, Sam couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Dean worrying about him.  “That is a nice thought actually.”

Taken aback from Sam’s admittance, Dean raised his eyebrows.  “Wow, you’re willingly letting me take care of you.  You’re not even going to put up a fight?”

“Nope.  Too pregnant and tired.”  Sam laughed and rubbed a hand over his stomach.  “So, the baby really is going to come soon.”

“Yeah, I gathered that from all the ‘you’re cervix is thinning out’ talk.”  Dean deflected the seriousness of the conversation with a teasing attitude.

Shrugging both shoulders Sam didn’t know what else to say.  “Well it is!”  He frowned before taking a huge breath of air.  “I’m kind of scared about it.”

Dean didn’t have a chance to respond because both men’s attention was drawn to the door when Jess burst in, followed quickly by Jason.

“Sam!  Oh my god are you alright!”  She bound over to the bed and wrapped her arms around her friend’s shoulders.

Sam let out a puff of air with the suddenness of her hug.  Laughing, he hugged her back.  “Yeah Jess, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? What happened? Is the baby okay?”  Jess took a quick breath to pause herself.  “Oh gosh I am doing that thing again where I ask too many questions.”  She laughed nervously as Sam nodded.  “When I got your text that you were in the hospital I was so worried!”  Inching off the bed, Jess stood upright again. 

“I appreciate your concern but I’m okay.”  Sam smoothed down the shirt fabric covering his belly and rubbed a palm against it.

“What happened?”  Jess gave Dean a sideways glance and rolled her eyes.  “What did he do now?  Did he drive you into premature labor again?”

“What?! No!  It was just false labor, Braxton Hicks contractions and stuff.  Dean had nothing to do with it.”  Sam couldn’t believe how his friend had just accused Dean without a second thought.

“Yeah right.”  Jess snorted and waved Dean off.

Dean was fuming and he was about to say something but Sam cut him off.

“What is your fucking problem Jess?”  Sam straightened up his spine and tensed up with anger.  He had been able to take a lot from Jess because he knew her heart was in the right place, but he had reached his limit.  “Dean had absolutely nothing to do with the hospital visit.  In fact, he has been nothing but absolutely wonderful since a few days after he got here.  Now I have no idea what your deal is but you better start treating him like the decent human being that he is.”

Jess looked shocked from Sam’s outburst.  “I just worry –“

“Bull shit Jess.  I know you are worried that I am going to get hurt.  But do you know what hurts me right now?  That my best friend and the man I love can’t seem to get it together enough to act civil around each other.   Actually, let me rephrase that.  My best friend can’t seem to get it together.  Dean is at least showing some restraint.  Not that you deserve it.”  The anger is unexpected.  He didn’t expect to get this worked up so quickly.  But after the day he had Sam is quick to lean towards one emotion.  Dean had stood by him all day and that is enough cause to jump to his defense, albeit a little extremely.  He can feel Dean’s hand on his shoulder, cautioning him to not let himself get so worked up.

“Sam I…”  A crushed expression washes over Jess’ face and she tries to figure out a way to explain her actions.

“I don’t care Jess.  It has been a long day.  It has been a long 9 months actually.  If you think I am making a mistake in letting Dean back into my life, then fine.  I need to make my own mistakes.  There are things about us that you will never understand.  Dean fucked up but so did I.  I love him in more ways than you could possibly understand.  He isn’t going anywhere”

“He hurt you Sam! Twice in my presence and who knows how many other times before that!  He wasn’t there to pick up the pieces! I was.  And I don’t look forward to doing it again!”  Jess’ hands fly to her mouth as if she didn’t mean to yell so loudly at her friend.

 “Get out.”  Sam’s voice is eerily calm.  He turns his head away from Jess and fixates on the blank wall in front of him.

“What?  Are you serious?”  Jess tries to walk around the bed to catch Sam’s eyes but he succeeds in avoiding her.

“I’m dead serious.  If you plan on bashing Dean every time you get a chance then I don’t need to be around that.  And, as this is my dorm room, I think you should get out.”

Jess stares at him, her eyes blinking in disbelief.  She can’t process what is going on in Sam’s head.  “I just want you to be happy Sam.”

Sam groans and rubs his temples.  He feels the tension headache building as soon as the adrenaline released because of his anger starts to fade.  “Then get out.”

Jason, silent this whole time, grabbed Jess gently by the shoulder.  “I think maybe you should go Jess.”  He ducks down to her height so he can catch her eyes and convey his concern for the stress their fight is putting on Sam. 

“I-I…”  Jess stumbles over her words, her body shaking with annoyance and rigid in an attempt to defend herself.  Letting out a loud huff of air in frustration she stormed out of the dorm, slamming the door loudly behind her.  Jason didn’t hesitate, he followed her out the door and down the hall.

As soon as his two friends left the room he collapsed into Dean’s waiting arms.  He had made his way back to Dean but did it come at the price of losing his best friend?

****************************************

It had been two weeks since Sam had heard from Jess.  There was a sadness lodged in Sam’s heart when he thought about that fact too long.  The other night he found himself almost dialing her cell phone number automatically when he was craving one of those burgers Sam knew Jess loved.  He put the phone down before completing his call, but that didn’t mean he didn’t miss her any less.  Sighing loudly, Sam pushed the memory of his last conversation with Jess away.

“You okay Sammy?”  Dean was standing at the doorway to his dorm, hips leaning into the door frame while he twirled his car keys around his pointer finger.

“Yeah, I’m fine.  Just missing Jess.”  Sam finished throwing the rest of his books in his messenger bag and threw it over his shoulder.

Dean moved aside so Sam could exit the room.  “You know, as much as it pains me to say this, you could just call her.”

“I know.  I just have too many other things going on right now.  At least this is the last final I have to take.  I am so exhausted I don’t think I could make it through another one.”  Sam let out a huff and started his walk down the hallway and towards the door.  “Thanks by the way, for driving me.  My car is too tiny, I don’t really fit anymore”

“What kind of asshole would I be if I let you walk your pregnant self to class in this type of heat?”  Dean smiled a cheesy grin.  “I never mind giving you a ride.”  The two exited the dorm building into the bright summer sun and walked the short distance to the Impala.  Before getting into the car Sam paused and winced, the hand he had rested on his belly tensed around the swell.  “You okay?”

“It’s nothing.  Just one of those Braxton Hicks thingies.  I’ve been having then all morning.”  Sam took a calming breath before pulling open the passenger’s side door and sinking into the car.  “Damn it is hard to get into this car.”

Dean ignored Sam’s jibe.  “Are you sure that is all it is?”  He settled into the driver’s seat and stared at Sam with concern.

“Yes I’m sure.  They aren’t too bad, they are just uncomfortable.  Don’t worry, if it was something worse I wouldn’t be heading out to take a final exam.”  Sam shifts awkwardly in the seat trying to release the tightness in his middle.  “Ugh, tell me again why I am going to take a final?  Sitting in one place for 2 hours sounds like absolute hell.”

“Hey, I am the bad influence that told you to skip out on your final.  You are the one that said, ‘I can’t just skip it.  I worked all semester to have a 4.0 average and I can’t just blow it all because I am tired’.  Does that remind you why you are doing this?”  Dean shifted the car into drive and started the short journey to the building Sam had to take his test in.

“Yeah, but it doesn’t make me any more willing to sit at an uncomfortable desk.”  Sam sighed and ran a hand though his hair.  He was aware he was whining but he didn’t care.  “At least it is the last one, right?”

“Well, the last one till next semester.”  Dean switched gears and increased the cars speed while giving Sam a sideways glance.  Within another couple of minutes they had arrived at the building, Dean pulling the car up as close to the entrance as possible.  “You sure you are okay?”

Sam smiled and waved Dean’s concern off.  “Yes I’m sure.”  He leaned forward and gave Dean a quick kiss on the lips.  “Meet me back here in about 2 hours, okay?”

Dean nodded.  “Good luck.”  He pulled Sam closer by the collar of his shirt so that he could give him another brief.  “Now get out of here and knock’em dead.” 

Once out of the car Sam watched his brother drive off, happy that at Stanford they could seemingly be themselves.  They didn’t have to worry about living up to their father’s expectations or hiding their relationship.  Having that weight lifted had opened their world to a new realm of possibilities – like chaste goodbye kisses.  He made his way inside the building and to his room with enough time to get himself situated at a desk.  Out of the corner of his eye he saw Jess sitting several seat ahead and two rows to the right of him.  She turned her head towards him but he kept his eyes averted.

The muscles in his belly tensed again and he rubbed the distended area to try and sooth the discomfort.  His son had been calm lately, but Dr. Saunders had said that would happen as he started to run out of room to twist and turn.  Sighing, he hoped that these false labor pains would give it a rest so he could concentrate on the test currently being distributed. 

It turned out that the test was an easy one, one he had obviously over prepared for.  Within a little more than an hours time he had flown through the short answer questions and one of the essays.  He was just gearing up to start his second essay when he gasped at a cramp in his middle and felt a warm rush of fluids against his inner thigh.

It took his brain a minute to realize what just happened, but when he did he let out a curse.  The students still taking the test around him gave him a dirty look but it didn’t stop him from letting out another surprised noise when his belly contracted.  “Shit.”  The curse was mumbled under his breath and he tried to figure out what to do next.  He had been banking on getting through his spring semester without any baby interference but his kid had other plans.

As quietly as he could Sam gathered up his belonging and his test and made his way to the front of the room.  His professor was sitting at a desk there, reading over what looked to be a student’s paper.  She focused her attention on Sam the moment he stood before her.  Sam placed the exam in front of her and in a low whisper he tried to explain himself.  “Um, my water just broke.”

“You’re what – oh!  You’re in labor?”  Her voice was louder than Sam would have liked and most of the class turned his way, focusing their attention on him rather than their tests.

Sam nodded rapidly.  He pointed to his test before continuing.  “Umm, I didn’t get to finish that.”

“Ohh goodness!  Don’t worry about the test.  I’ll only count what you completed.  Think of the rest as a labor day present.”  The teacher put a hand to her chest in disbelief that Sam would still be worried about his grades.

“A labor day…? Oh…I get it.  Yeah, thanks.”

“Do you need me to call someone?”  The professor’s face plainly read concern.

“No, I – my boyfriend is coming to pick me up.  I’ll be okay.”  Sam readjusted the shoulder strap of his bag and tried to focus on getting out of the building.

“You sure?”  Not quite ready to believe Sam or not the professor tried one more line of questioning.

“I’m sure.  Thank you.”  Sam turned to leave but the professors good luck wishes made him turn and wave to her again.  Things were starting to feel a little surreal.  He knew he was in labor, knew his day was coming for some time now, but that didn’t make it feel any real.  A pain rippled through his middle as soon as he left the classroom that reminded him of just how real it was.

Sam had just made it outside to one of the benches when movement to his right caught his eye.

“Sam!”  Jess leaped out the door of the building and scurried her way towards the laboring man.

“Jess?”  He was confused by her sudden appearance but he realized he shouldn’t have been.  It was very much like Jess to involve herself in everything, why should his labor be any different.  Sam huffed and supported himself uncomfortably on the bench.

“Are you okay?”  Kneeling down in front of the man, Jess’ voice was all concern.

Sam almost laughed at thinking of a possible response to that.  “No, not really.  I’m in labor, probably have been all morning but didn’t realize it.”  He wants to kick himself for dropping the ball twice in judging if he was actually in labor or not.

Jess’ head cocks to the side and her eyes widen in surprise.  “Oh god Sam!  I have my car, let me get you to the hospital.”

“But what about your exam?”

Jess’ eyes widen more.  “Fuck my final.  I don’t give a shit about that.  I am more worried about you.”  She gets to her feet and reaches out a hand towards Sam.  “Come on.  I don’t think you really want to have that baby sitting on this bench.”

Sam takes the offered hand and uses it to pull himself to his feet.  Jess may be little but she is strong.  “Jess…I…”  He’s scared.  No matter how much he prepared for this he is still absolutely terrified.

“Shhh, it’s okay.  We’re going to go get Dean alright?  And then we will get you to the hospital and you’re going to do great.”  She tries to lead him forward towards her car but he freezes up.

“You don’t know that.”

“Sure I do.  Just come on.  I need you to tell me how to find Dean, can you do that?”  Gently tugging at his arm Jess gets Sam in motion and they make their way to her car with little incident.  After ushering Sam safely into the passenger’s seat she hops into the driver’s seat and starts to pull out of the parking lot.  “So where do you think we can find Dean?”

“H-he’s probably at his apartment.  It is over on Mayfield Avenue.  I can give you directions when you get over there.” 

Jess simply nods, keeping her attention on the road.  She keeps turning her head to check on Sam and biting her lip nervously.  The tension between them is driving her mad and the fact that they haven't spoke in so long makes her stomach twist.  “Listen, Sam.  I am sorry about being such an ass about Dean.  You were right.  I didn’t mean to put you in a position where you had to choose between the two of us.  It was stupid to put our friendship at risk because I couldn’t see what you saw in Dean.”

A contraction hits Sam and he can’t respond to his friend’s apology.  The suddenness of the pain makes him curse and curl over his stomach.  He gives a mental groan because as much as he knows Jess is just trying to smooth things over he really could not care less at the moment.  She could tell him she was an alien from another planet and he would have been fine with it.  When the pain started to edge off he looked Jess straight in the eye.  “I forgive you.”  He let out another huff of air.  “It doesn’t matter anymore.  It's over.  But right now I need you to drive faster.”  Sam’s forgiven Jess a week ago and he meant those words but currently he needed to focus on other things.

“Faster.  You got it.”  Jess hits the gas, thankful that Sam is coherent enough to give her specific directions on how to reach Dean’s apartment.  When she pulls up she notices the Impala is parked outside and she lets out a silent prayer of thanks for finding Dean at home.  “Stay here Sam.  I’ll be right back.”

“Like I’m going anywhere.”  Sam rolled his eyes at her and watched her bee-line towards Dean’s apartment.  He figured one day he would get Jess and Dean to work together but this isn’t quite what he had in mind.  From the car he can see Jess’ fist knock loudly and rapidly on Dean’s door.

The door swings open after several more incessant knocks.  Dean stands there looking confused as to why a frazzled Jess is standing wild eyed at his door.  He stops questioning this the moment she opens her mouth.

“Sam’s in labor.”


	12. May C

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Graphic Birth!!!!

With all the adrenaline rushing, heart pounding intense rush of actually getting to the hospital, Dean found there was very little action once they got there.  They were wrapped up in one big waiting game that no one truly had control of.  Turning to the right, he was able to watch Sam who, despite his size, looked lost in the hospital bed with various machines and I.V. tubes attached to him.  His little brother looked comfortable for now but that wouldn’t last long.  Jess was perched on a chair beside Sam, both of her legs pulled up onto the seat so that she could wrap her arms around her knees.  She was talking to her friend about something meaningless, which was good because it seemed to distract Sam.  Looking at the two of them made Dean remember just how young they were.  True, they were only four years younger than he was, but Dean had done a lot of living in those four years.

Sam had been handling things like the trooper Dean knew he was.  He said the contractions weren’t that bad or maybe his pain tolerance just happened to be high.  When he heard Jess squawk, however, Dean thought maybe things were changing.   Sam had reached out and crushed her hand while moaning in discomfort, the action clearly surprising the girl.  Sam may not readily admit the fact but Dean had learned a long time ago that Sam was a hand grabber.  When he was a little kid, he would constantly grab Dean’s hand for reassurance.  Dean always pretended it annoyed him but in reality he found pride in the fact that he could be that type of comfort for his brother.  The hand grabbing habit didn’t stop when Sam go older, it just manifested in different ways.  During sex, right before an orgasm?  Hand grab.  Trying to warn Dean of something dangerous during a hunt? Hand grab and squeeze.  When he was nervous about a situation?  Out of view hand grab.  And now?  He apparently he grabbed out when in labor.  Dean was sure Sam was still looking for reassurance or safety and it was oddly endearing.

 Though he knew his brother was in pain, he had to smirk at Jess’ flailing arms.  She was trying to pry Sam’s fingers off of her wrist while reminding him about some calming technique she must have learned in one of those birthing classes Sam dragged her too.  Dean would have rather gone about this whole ordeal without her presence, but Sam wanted her there and he was determined to give Sam anything he wanted right now.  The fact that she was behaving herself was a plus.

Sam calmed down enough and released his friend’s hand on his own.  Slumping back onto the bed, he covered his face with both hands and groaned.   
  
His heart breaking at the pitiful sight, Dean closed the gap between them and took a seat at the edge of Sam’s bed.  “Hey.”  He ran a hand through Sam’s hair and tried to brush aside the younger man’s hands.  “How you feeling?”

Huffing out an exhausted sigh, Sam let both his hands limply fall to the bed beside him.  “Horrible.”  He turned so that he could look Dean in the eye.  “I’m tired.”  His whole body sighing, he looked defeated.  “And I’m hot.  I’m really really hot.”

Dean brushed the back of his hand against Sam’s forehead.  It was an instinctive gesture but he didn’t know what he would do with the knowledge he acquired.  Apparently it took Sam four hours of active labor to crack, because rather than holding it all together, he was dissolving into whines.  “You’re a little warm.”

“I’m fucking burning.” Sam curled his lip in annoyance and huffed.

“Ohh!”  Jess popped off her stool, her eyes bright with realization.  “Do you want ice chips?  They might cool you down.  You can have some – I mean, I’ll go get you some.”  Jess was jittery, anxious for something to do.

Sam looked at her and then rolled his head to the other side of the pillow to look at Dean.  “I don’t care.”

“Mary sunshine over here probably means 'yes'.”  Dean brushed Sam’s hair off his forehead again.

“Oh, so…you want them?”  Jess shifted her weight from one foot to the other, feeling the full weight of being the third wheel.

When Sam still did nothing but sigh Dean urged her on with a nod of his chin.   “Yes Jess.  Go.”  What he wanted to say was ‘get the fuck out of here so I can be alone with Sam’ but he would settle for a brief reprieve.

“Ok, right.”  She nodded energetically.  “Going.”  She gave Sam’s left hand a gentle squeeze.  “I’ll be right back.”  She hesitated for a moment before briskly walking to the door, looking over her shoulder as she crept out of the room.

Dean was grateful to have Sam to himself, at least for a little while.  “How are you really doing?”  He inched closer to the younger man and wasn’t surprised when Sam latched onto his hand.

Sam blinked up at him was tumultuous eyes.  “I don’t want to have a baby.”

“It is kind of a little late for that.  Actually, it is a lot late.”

“No, I know that.  That's not what I mean.  I just….”  Sam sighed.  “I just don’t want to do this.”

Dean frowned.  “You kind of don’t have any other choice.”

Sam was growing annoyed again.  “I know that.  I’m not an idiot.”  As soon as the words left his mouth he tried to regain his composure.  “It’s just that…I’m scared.”

Nerves making him cup the back of his neck with his free hand, Dean gave Sam’s hand a light squeeze with his other.  “I’m scared too.  But you’re going to be okay.  You’ve got Jess and everyone here at the hospital.” He paused and his voice flooded with insecurities.  “And, I might be a little late to the game but, you have me.”

“Yeah, I have you.”  Sam gave Dean a small smile.  Dean was trying, he really was, and that was more than something.  “But you’re not pushing this kid out in a few hours.”  He had just finished his thought when he froze up and groaned.  The intensifying pain made him curl his fingers into Dean’s palm and lean forward slightly, putting more force against the man beside him.

Dean braced himself to take Sam’s weight .  “Another one?”

Sam pressed his lips together and nodded rapidly.  “Mmm Hmm.”  He moaned and tightened his grip on his brother in accordance with his contracting middle.  “Fuck.”

“Just breathe, Sammy.” Dean winced from the increasing pain in his hand but swallowed his complaint.  “They’re getting closer together.”

Taking a deep breath in through his nose and huffing out through his mouth, Sam rode out the contraction.  “That’s...kind of...the...” he took a deep breath, “...point.”

Dean could tell the pain was ebbing when he felt Sam’s hand loosening.  Seeing Sam go through the contractions was getting more difficult.  A part of Dean’s brain felt like the thought was awfully selfish because Sam, being the one _actually_ going through the contractions, had the more difficult end of this situation.  Regardless,  his protective nature was kicking into overdrive and every time he heard his brother cry out in pain made him feel all the more useless.  Coupling that with all the conflicting emotions about the birth of his son and his impending adoption made it downright unbearable.

“They’re getting stronger too.”  Sam grimaced as he tried to get more comfortable on the bed.  “Did you call Sammi and Brad?”

For what must have been the fifth time Dean pushed the sweaty hair out of Sam’s face.  “Yeah.  I called them when you were getting changed.  They said they were leaving as we spoke.  It is a 6 hour drive for them so actually did leave almost 4 hours ago they should be here soon.”

“Did they- Did they sound excited?”  The laboring man brought both hands to his belly and tried to trace soothing circles into the low curve.

“Are you kidding me?  They sounded ecstatic.  I am nearly deaf from the shriek Sammi let out.”  Dean let one of his hands join Sam’s, thinking that it would be the last day that he would feel the swell of his child nestled safe inside the younger man.

“I know that shriek.”  Sam looked up at his brother with palpable emotions in his eyes.  “We’re doing the right thing then, right?  They will love him?” He couldn’t continue his search for assurance because there was a noise at his hospital room door.

“Knock knock.”  A petite woman with a friendly youthful face entered the room without pausing for a response from within.  She pulled his patient file into her hands and flipped through it.  “Hi Sam, I’m Dr. Niveea.”  She took a glance towards Dean.  “And you must be Dean.”

Sam knitted his eyebrows in confusion.  “Ummm – hi?  Where – where is Dr. Saunders?”

Dr. Niveea made her way around the bed so that she stood beside Sam.  “I’m very sorry Sam but Dr. Saunders got called away for a family emergency.   He tried to come explain the situation to you but there really wasn’t much time.  He’s deeply sorry that he had to leave unexpectedly but I assure you that you and you’re baby are in good hands with me.”

“What?”  Sam looks from the doctor to his brother several times before turning back to the young woman to his left.  “I am sure you are great and everything but I want Dr. Saunders to deliver my baby.”

With a sympathetic smile the woman placed a reassuring hand on Sam’s shoulder.  “I am sorry Mr. Winchester, but I am afraid that is impossible.  And I am sure you don’t want to keep that baby inside there for another day or so.”

“Oh no, I do.  I really do.”  Sam pushed himself up in the bed, a hint of panic in his words.

With a kind laugh the doctor humored her new patient.  “I’m afraid I wouldn’t advise that.  Besides, unless you have a time machine, it isn’t really possible.  That baby is coming out whether you want him to or not.”

“But I’ve been with Dr. Saunders since the beginning.  I would really feel more comfortable with him, okay?  He knows everything about me and the baby.”

Gesturing towards the laboring man with his medical file, Dr. Niveea smiled.  “And now so do I.  At least all the medical facts I need to know.”  A sadness came to the surface of her eyes as she gave Sam a compassionate look.  “I am very sorry things aren’t working out how you would like.  I know how intense this situation is for you to begin with.  I am sorry we went and threw a monkey wrench into your plans, but it is unavoidable.”

“But…”  Sam almost dissolved into an onslaught of tears. 

“Hey, it’s okay Sam.”  Dean curled an arm around Sam’s shoulders and pulled him to his chest.  “I am sure Dr. Niveea here is every bit as good as Dr. Saunders.”

Sam sniffled into the fabric of Dean’s shirt.  “But everything feels wrong.”

“Those feelings of insecurity are perfectly normal Sam.  So far your labor is right on track and you have nothing to worry about.  I just wanted to check on your progress…”

“Mother fucker.”  Sam lurched forward as a contraction tore through him.  “Can this wait?”  He started huffing rhythmically.

“Of course.  Just ride this one out.”  Dr. Niveea inspected the printout measuring Sam’s contractions as her patient groaned and turned to press his cheek into Dean’s chest.  “Keep breathing, you’re doing perfect.”  Her voice was soothing and calm juxtaposing the feelings rolling around in Sam’s head.

Sam wanted to crawl inside Dean to get away from the pain.  He had the other man’s t-shirt fisted in both hands and was leaning heavily against him.  Dean kept his arm wrapped firmly around his shoulders and was pressing small kisses into his hairline.  “Nnng!”

Dividing her attention from the machine’s statistics and Sam’s tensed form, Dr. Niveea tried to reassure her patient.  “Deep breaths Sam.  The contraction is at its strongest right now.”

“Almost done Sammy.”  Dean found himself instinctively making a subtle rocking motion as Sam came down from the pain.

Sam took a deep breath and puffed out, going slack in Dean’s arms.  From the corner of his eye he gave his new doctor an embarrassed glance.  “Sorry about that.”

“There is nothing to be ashamed of.  I’d be concerned if you weren’t contracting.”  She walked around the bed so that she stood at the foot.  “Now as I was saying before, I wanted to check your progress and see what we are dealing with here.  Do you think you can scoot a little closer to the end of the bed?”

Sam nodded and shimmied his way down, letting his upper torso come away from Dean and fall to the bed.  Once there the doctor flipped the bed sheet up around his knees.  Sam had pulled his legs up so that they were bent at the knee and the soles of his feet were pressing into the mattress, however, he kept his legs closed with the awkwardness of the situation.

“You need to open up for me Sam.”  Dr. Niveea laughed kindly and put a gentle hand on the man’s knee in encouragement.  “I won’t bite.”

Letting his legs fall apart Sam closed his eyes.  It had taken him months to become comfortable with Dr. Saunders and now he was feeling way too exposed under the eyes of someone he had met 5 minutes ago.  He hoped the doctor would do her thing before another contraction started.

“Perfect.”  Dr. Niveea pulled on a latex glove and explored Sam’s opening.  The man winced slightly but the exam was quick and she was snapping the glove off in little time.  “You’re making great progress.  You’re a little more than 5 centimeters dilated and 90% effaced.”

Dean pulled back and screwed his face up in uncertainty.  “I have no idea what that means.”

“You don’t want to know,” Sam whined.  He covered his eyes with both hands.  “Trust me.”

Replacing the blanket, the small woman patted Sam’s leg again.  “All you basically need to know Dean is that we want to get to 10 centimeters and 100% effacement.  Sam’s over halfway there.  But it is only going to get more painful from here on out.  Did anyone come in and talk to you about pain management?”

“Yes.  I don’t want anything.” Sam’s answer was quick and certain.

“Are you sure?  There are a lot of options that might work for you and it is important for you to understand that they in no way harm your baby.”  She jotted down a note in Sam’s file before replacing it.

“I’m sure.” Sam nodded and crossed his hands over his belly, feeling the tell tale signs of a contraction coming on.

“Well alright then.  That’s a respectable decision to make.”

Dean, who had been following the conversation silently, piped up.  He and Sam hadn’t spoken about pain management and he had assumed Sam would have wanted to get as numb as he possibly could.  He turned towards the doctor, his voice full of concern.  “Wait a second.  Can he opt for something later on if he feels like he needs it?”

“You do have a window period to change your mind but after that there is no turning back.”  She smiled and clapped Sam on the shoulder.  “I will come back to check on you soon.  If you need anything I don’t want you to hesitate to call for a nurse.”

“Okay.  Thanks.”  His response was clipped short as he tensed up and latched onto Dean again.

“You’re doing really well so far Sam.  I don’t want you worrying about anything.  You just focus on having this baby and I will focus on doing my part, okay?”

Sam’s only response was a brief nod before pressing his head into Dean’s chest again. He closed his eyes and fell into a rhythmic breathing once again.  Dean’s fingers were in his hair, not quite petting him but trying to sooth him.  He scrunched up his face and opened his eyes to look at Dean.  “It hurts.”

“Shh, I know.”  Dean let Sam curl himself around his person but kept a firm grip on him.  He knew the pain would only get more intense for his brother and he wished Sam would turn to something for relief.  From what the nurses said earlier, Sam has most likely been in labor for hours before coming to the hospital but he still had hours ahead of him.  “Maybe you should get something…you know, for the pain.”

Groaning out the younger man shook his head from side to side.  “I don’t deserve it.” 

The words startled Dean.  He couldn’t think of a valid reason why Sam would say such a thing.  “What?”

“I,” Sam paused to come back to earth from the contraction.  “I don’t deserve it.  You might think it sounds stupid but it is how I feel.”  Sam turned to see that the doctor had left the room and Jess was hovering somewhere near the door.  Thankful that his friend was perceptive and giving them a few more minutes to themselves, Sam nuzzled into Dean further – not out of physical pain but emotional.  “We are giving up this baby.  You know how torn I am about that.  In some sick sense this is my way of equaling things out.  I don’t expect you to understand it but I need you to respect it.  I decided on natural childbirth a few months ago.  I don’t deserve…”  Sam trailed off as he shed a tear into Dean’s shirt.   The emotions from the past 15 minutes had him coming undone.

Dean was conflicted.  He held onto his brother and rubbed his hands up and down his back.  He wanted to disagree with Sam, wanted to tell him that every decisions he – they – were making was based on pure love and needed no punishment.  But if that is what Sam wanted then he would do his best to respect that, however, he couldn’t go along letting Sam emotionally abuse himself.  “You don’t deserve any retribution for making a mistake.  It was a _mistake_ and we handled it the best way we knew how.  But if you don’t want any pain meds then we do this the natural way.  Okay?”  Dean felt Sam nod into his chest.

Sam huffed and pulled away from Dean, the close contact making his already hot from even hotter.  He was glad Dean wasn’t going to pick this moment to argue with him because in all honesty that would be playing with fire.  Sam was tired and miserable and those two didn’t mix well.  He turned cocked his head towards Jess trying to make herself one with the wall.  “I think I’d like some ice chips now, if that’s okay.”

Jess startled into action and pushed herself towards her friend.  “Oh, I got that covered.”  She moved gracefully to the chair she had occupied earlier and curled her legs underneath her.  Handing some ice to Sam she mock apologized.  “Sorry, I tried to get you some hard liquor but apparently that is bad for preggos.”  Sam smiled but it wouldn’t last long.

**************************

Sam whimpered on his side, his face buried in the pillow.  Dean was attempting to knead the pain out of his back, his hands working along his lower spine.  It was helping, but not much.

Seven hours.  He had been in hell for seven hours.  Dean hit a tense spot and he sighed heavily as his brother worked to help the pain in his back.  Okay, maybe it wasn’t hell but it was definitely the outskirts.

He was so damn tired.  His world had become made up of 40 second contractions and the four minutes between them.  They were getting worse and closer together.  He felt his middle tensing up and scrambled to grab Jess’ hand.  His friend was still sitting beside him, having fell silent after Sam made it clear an hour ago that he was done talking.  Jess squeezed Sam’s hand in return to show her support.

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.”  Sam rolled onto his back ones again and pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes, curling his fingers into his scalp.  He felt the contraction intensifying and taking over his body.

“Relax Sam.” Dean put his hand over the underside of Sam’s belly while Sam shot daggers with his eyes.  One of Sam’s hands flew to Dean and tightened around it.  The ringing of Dean’s cell phone broke the tension in the room and he startled slightly at the shrill sound.  Giving Sam an apologetic shrug he tried to fish the phone out of his pocket with the hand that wasn’t being crushed by Sam.  Pressing the phone close to his ear, “Hello?”  He immediately yanked it away due to the sheer volume coming out of the speaker.  “Woah, woah, Sammi, slow down.”

Jess started talking at the same time Sam started cursing so she raised her voice to be heard.  “What’s going on?”

Dean cupped his hand over the receiver.   “They seemed to have gotten a little turned around and can’t find the hospital.”  Removing his hand he went back to his conversation but Sam moaned loudly and yanked him closer.  He almost lost his grip on the phone and wound up using his shoulder to keep it pressed to his ear.  “You have to breathe Sammy.”

“Don’t tell me what to do!”  Sam’s voice was a bark and he practically growled at Dean as the contraction hit its peak.  His voice must have traveled over the phone because he heard a cornucopia of questions squeaking out of the receiver.

Cupping the phone to his mouth Dean responded to the questions.  “Yeah, yeah, that’s Sam…Umm no, I don’t think it is a good idea to talk to him right now.”  Sam took that moment to make a strangled groaning noise and Dean turned his attention to him again.  “Almost done Sam, keep breathing.”  His voice was a forced calm for his brother’s sake.  Trying to pull himself upright, but having difficulty due to Sam dragging him down, Dean caught Jess’ sympathetic eyes.  Normally logical Sam had been replaced with extremely temperamental Sam and Dean and Jess were still figuring out how to navigate this person.  Sammi and Brad on the other line of his phone caught his attention again.  “Wait, you went left?  No, you were supposed to go right.  Now you have to do a big loop around and…”  He cupped the receiver of the phone again and mouthed to Jess, “can you handle him for a minute?”

Jess nodded and shooed Dean with her free hand.  “Yeah, go.  We're good, he’s not going anywhere.”

Mouthing a thank you, Dean went back to his phone conversation.  “You know what, I will just meet you outside.  Turn around and I will see you.  What kind of car do you have?”  He pulled his hand out of Sam’s grip and briskly made his way to the door.  “Yeah, turn there.”  His voice faded out of the room as he continued to the hospital’s exit.

Without Dean in the room, Jess felt strangely inadequate, like she wouldn’t be enough to comfort Sam.  Thankfully, her friend seemed to be quieting down.  “Hey handsome.  How you doing?”

Sam went back to covering both of his eyes, and sat in silence for several moments.  When he did speak his voice was a mix of exhaustion and shame.  “Oh my god, I’m being horrible aren’t I?” 

Jess shook her head quickly.  “No!  Not at all.  You are being whiney and you might break my hand but my sister-in-law was _much_ worse.”  She crawled onto the bed next to him, her small frame easily fitting in the space on Sam’s left side.  “You’re having a baby Sam.  It is like the one time you get a pass on being irrational.”

Sam looked up at her and huffed.  “You might not feel the same way, but I am glad you are here Jess.” 

“I will keep that in mind the next time you tell me to ‘shut the fuck up’.”  She laughed to show her friend there were no hard feelings.  “But I am happy to be here if you feel like it helps you.”

“It does.  With all these people I’ve never met poking around and telling me what to do, it makes me feel better with you and Dean here to stop me from freaking out.”  Sam sighed and tried to brush his damp hair out of his face.  “Seriously, I want to shave my head right now.  Even just feeling my hair on my face is making me uncomfortable.”

“Ohh, handsome, let me help with that.”  Jess reached up and pulled her headband, a thin black circle of elastic, from her hair.  “Here.”  She reached forward and slipped the band over Sam’s head and then pulled the front part up past his forehead, thus pushing his hair away from his face.  “Is that better?”

“A little actually.”  Sam shrugged his forehead to get used to the headband.  “Thanks.”

Jess startled when she heard a knock at the door and a woman with dark black hair entered the room.

“Hi Sam.”  She smiled and made her way towards her patient, resting one hand on her hip when she got there.  Noticing Jess for the first time she turned towards the girl and extended her hand.  “Hello, I’m Dr. Niveea.  And you are?”

“Jess.  Best friend and support system.”  Jess shook the woman’s hand and smiled at her calming demeanor.

Dr. Niveea returned the smile and gestured towards Sam with her eyes.  “Well Jess, you must be doing a great job because he nurses tell me Sam is lucky to have you and Dean.”

“Yeah well, what are friends for, right?”  Jess moved off the bed to give the doctor some space and sunk back into the chair she had spent the last seven hours occupying.

Making a noise in agreement, Dr. Niveea turned her attention towards Sam.  “I know it is a stupid question, but, how are you feeling Sam?”

Sam rolled his eyes.  “You’re right.  That is a stupid question.”  Giving the doctor a pathetic whine he slumped down on the bed.  “I guess I am okay.  I feel a lot of pressure,” he gestured down below his belly, “there.  And things are definitely getting more painful and close together.”

“Well let’s check you out, shall we?”  Snapping on a pair of gloves the woman tapped Sam’s exposed legs.  “You know the drill.  Up and open.”

Sam obliged, letting his legs fall open as the doctor leaned in to check his progress.  Just because she had examined him before didn’t make it any more comfortable.  He hissed when he felt her poking around the stretching sensitive skin of his opening.  He hissed again when he felt a pain radiate from the top of his belly down to the bottom.  He wanted to clench his legs together and force the doctor away but he used most of his will power to let her finish.  His voice came out in a hurried refrain.  “Contraction, contraction, contraction.”

Pulling away and snapping her gloves off, Dr. Niveea helped ease Sam’s legs down.  “Good job Sam.  It’s what I thought.  You’re in transitory labor.  You are 100% effaced and 9 centimeters dilated.”  She tossed the gloves in the garbage and pushed a call button on the side of the bed.  “I am going to go ahead and get you ready for delivery.  We’re going to ride out a few more contractions till you get to 10 centimeters and then we are going to get you pushing.”

Sam had no idea what this ‘we’ crap was but the thought of pushing made him pale as he huffed through the contraction.  He turned panicky eyes on Jess.

“It’s okay Sam.  This is what you’ve been waiting for, right?”  The doctor patted his leg and smiled.  “I am going to check back on you in ten minutes, then we will break down the bed and see if you are ready to push.  Okay?”

“O-okay.” Sam’s voice came in shudders as he tried to wrap his head around how fast things were happening.  He knew he should have tried to control his breathing but the panic was getting the best of him.

“You hang in there.  I’ll be right back.”  Dr. Niveea slow jogged out of the room.

Sam latched onto Jess.  “You need to go get Dean.  Please Jess!”  He was begging, his words inundated with need and fear.  “I can’t…Without him I can’t…”

Jess was on her feet before he even asked her.  “I’m going.  I’ll get him.  It’s going to be fine.”  Her words were meant to comfort her friend but she couldn’t help but wonder if they were for her benefit as well.  “Hang tight for a minute.”  Jess leaned down and kissed Sam’s forehead before darting out of the room and down the corridor.  She took a wrong turn but quickly got back on track.  By the time she reached Dean in the parking lot her heart was in her stomach and she was out of breath.  Dean’s back was to her when she stopped, hands braced on her knees.

“Jess?”  Dean spun to face the panting girl.

“Sam.”  Her chest was heaving from more than just exertion.  The rush to find the older man left her body pulsing.  “You need to go back.  The doctor said she is getting him ready to push soon.  He’s freaking out.”

Dean was left speechless, just blinking at the girl before his muscles remembered how to move and his brain could formulate a plan of action.  He was supposed to be waiting for Sammi and Brad but that was the least of his concern.  “Can you handle this? Please?”

“Sammi and Brad?  Of course!!!  Go! Go!”  Jess shoved him towards the hospital, giving his legs a jumpstart. 

“Here.  Take this if they call.”  He tossed her his cell phone before breaking into a full run towards the hospital.  Once inside he took the shortest route, one he had memorized in case of an emergency, back to Sam’s room.  When he walked in the room he heard his brother let out a pained growl while he reflexively spread his legs.  Dean’s movement must have caught his attention because he immediately locked eyes with Sam.

“Dean!”

“Hey Sammy.”  He sprinted to Sam’s bed and pulled his brother against his torso.  Sam was rigid and felt hot and sweaty.  Having both arms wrapped around him made it easy for Dean to notice that he was shaking.  “I’m right here.”

The younger man swallowed and continued puffing out air.  “It hurts so much.”

“I know.  But it is almost over.  And you’ve been so amazing.”  The words sounded cliché but Dean meant them.  He kissed Sam’s forehead.  “I love you so much.”

“Love you too.”  Sam shouted as the contraction intensified.  “Kind of hate you right now though.”  Writhing on the bed, Sam couldn’t seem to find away to escape the pain.  The only things he could get out was a moan and “hurts.”

Dean held onto him and tried to rock him slowly.

Sam hadn’t had any urge to push but then all of the sudden it was there and he couldn’t avoid it.  “The doctor says the baby is coming now.”  He buried his face in Dean’s shirt, the scent of the older man helping him focus.

“Yeah, Jess told me.”

Wanting to say something more, Sam couldn’t muster the strength.  Instead he covered his eyes with his hand and cried.  The exhaustion and pain made him dissolve into slow tears.  He had no idea which way was up anymore.

“You’re okay Sam.  It’s okay.  You gotta breathe through it.”  Dean tried comforting his brother with the same words he used more than a handful of times already.

Sam screamed out as his stomach contracted downwards.  He felt like his pain level had spiked so quickly that it was hard to make sense of what was happening.  The pressure building in his groin kept growing and he felt the head of his child pushing downward, causing stretching and a burning sensation.  The contractions felt like they were rolling into one another.  Gone was the 3 minutes rest in between them, replaced by more pain.

A particularly strong pain shot though Sam, forcing his unborn son lower.  “You!”  Sam swung his head towards Dean and growled.  “This is your fault!  It took both of us to do it but it’s your fault!  You were supposed to pull out”  His eyes squeezed shut as a contraction rolled through him.  “Oh god! Hurts, hurts, hurts.”  He fisted Dean’s shirt and pulled him close, using the resistance between their bodies to try and absorb the pain.

Dean is saved from Sam’s attack when Dr. Niveea and several labor and delivery nurses he has seen throughout the day started filtering into the room.  The doctor took one look at Sam and switched into high gear.

“You don’t mess around with deadlines do you Sam?  I told you I would be back in 10 minutes to see if you are ready to start pushing and it looks like you are trying to get the party started without me.”  She smiled and rolled a stool up to the bottom of Sam’s bed.  Looking between Sam’s already spread legs she raised a surprised eyebrow.  “You’re at push.”

Sam came down from his anger filled pain and stared at the doctor between his legs.  He didn’t know if he was relieved to push or terrified.  He groaned out as the pressure increased and he settled on being relieved.  He wanted this kid out and he wanted him out now.  “Thank god.” He blew out a lungful of air.

“See, I told you that you didn’t want to keep that baby in there for another day or two.”  Dr. Niveea gave another friendly smile and patted his thigh.  “I take it you’ve been feeling the urge to push?”

Sam nodded vehemently, his natural instincts kicking in as his body began bearing down lightly on its own.

“Then let’s get this show on the road.” The doctor broke down the bottom of the bed and rolled her stool closer between Sam’s legs.  Once she snapped a medical mask over her mouth she turned towards Dean who was still wrapped up in Sam’s clenching fists.  “So Dean, are you going to help hold his leg up?”

Dean gave a blank stare, unsure of what he was supposed to do.  “Yeah, I guess.” And before he knew it the doctor was urging him over and showing him how to hold Sam’s right leg up and out, just as the nurse was doing to his left.  He had a firm grip on Sam’s leg but he was also able to hold onto Sam’s hand for reassurance.  Sam was staring at him with wild eyes and the magnitude of the situation started sinking in.

“Alright Sam, the baby is nice and low for you.  On the next contraction I want you to grab the back of your legs, take a deep breath and push all the way down here.”  Dr. Niveea looked up at Sam to show she was certain he could do this.  Sam nodded quickly and braced himself for her call.  “On 1…2…3, push.”

Sam let out a strangled gasp as he curled over his belly and bore down.  He pushed through the entirety of the contraction, gripping his thighs so tight he left crescent shaped imprints from his nails.

“Good.  Again.”

Screwing his face up in concentration, Sam kept both of his eyes closed as he bore down in another push.  The stretch and burn made him cry out as he pitched forward.  “Ugh!”

Dean refused to look anywhere but at Sam’s face.  He focused on holding Sam’s leg at the right angle but could do little else.  Nerves ravaged his body as he found himself in a situation he never penned himself being part of.  Sam’s next scream intensified Dean’s helpless feeling.

The nurse to his side who Sam remembered introducing herself as Kim shushed the laboring man.  “Save your energy for the push sweetie.” 

Sam growled at her and started bearing down again, drawing his chin to his chest and rounding his back out as he pushed.  He tensed up his body, unintentionally causing both of his legs to tense as well and come together slightly.  “Fuck!”

“Let your legs fall open Sam.”  Looking up she saw Sam stiffen and fight against the people holding his legs.  “Dean keep them open wider.”  She let the older man manipulate Sam’s leg.  “Wider still.  Perfect. Now, push down right here Sam.  Even more.  Keep going.”  Dr. Niveea reached up to support the area where a small sliver of the baby’s skull was visible. “Perfect!”

Falling back onto the bed Sam let out an exhausted pant.  He blew his cheeks out as he tried to gear up enough energy for another push.

At that moment a nurse came in an in a loud voice announced that the adoptive parents wanted to know if they were allowed in the delivery room for the birth. 

Both men turned their heads towards her and answered in unison.  “NO!”

Sam stared down the nurse before letting out a loud moan and cringing.

“Come on Sam, deep breath and push.”  Dr. Niveea rearranged the sheet draping the man’s legs and focused on the small bulge on the verge of making its way out.  “You’re doing great Sam.  Harder.  That’s it, you can do it.”

Clenching his teeth Sam groaned and tightened his grip on his thighs, inadvertently pushing Dean’s hand against his skin as well.  Curling his fingers around both Dean’s hand and his thigh he pulled his legs back and bore down hard, working with his urge to push.  “Gahhh!”  The strain he was putting on his body with each push left him shaking when he collapsed back on the bed.

“Keep going Sammy.”  Dean bit his lip as he watched his brother struggle to give birth.

“He’s not moving,” Sam panted out.

“He is, he is just taking his time.”  The woman’s voice was calm and reassuring, as it had been the entire time.  “You’ve never pushed before.  You’re body is still trying to figure out how to do it.  He’s almost crowning but I need you to push hard.”

Sam felt his body opening up and tried to let it happen rather than tensing from the pain.  He felt a strong contraction building and went with it, pushing as hard as he could.

“Harder Sam.  A little more.  Push down hard.”  The doctor guided Sam through the push.  “Perfect, let it go.”

Letting go of his thighs Sam cursed and buried the side of his face in the pillow.  He cried out when a contraction rolled through his body.  Time blurred and he was losing focus.  He thought he could do this but after repeating the previous actions with little result for over 30 minutes he was feeling defeated.  He couldn’t seem to get the baby’s head to stay forward without it slipping back after all his hard work.  “I don’t want to push anymore.  Can’t you just cut him out?”  The frustration in his voice was palpable. 

“It isn’t called labor for nothing.  It is hard work, but you’re doing great.  The baby’s head is right there and I really think you can push it out.  I’d much rather have you work to get him out on your own than perform unnecessary surgery.”  Dr. Niveea gave Sam a look of understanding.

“I can’t get him out.”  Sam cried as the pain built up again.

“Yes you can.  He is _right_ there.”  Sensing her patient was running on empty and patted Sam’s thigh.  “I want you to wait the next few contractions out, conserve your energy.”  She stood up and quickly discussed something with one of the nurses before returning to her patient a few minutes later.  “I want to try something different when you push.  Kasey here,” she gestured to a middle aged nurse waiting to assist her, “is going to hold onto one end of a towel and you are going to hold onto the other.  I want you to pull yourself forward with each contraction while you bear down.  Channel all that energy into your push, okay?  Let’s see if we can get him moving.”

Sam groaned and gave Dean an overwhelmed look.  None the less, he took the towel and fisted it with both hands.

“Ready?  On the next contraction I want you to push that baby up and out.  Push right down into your bottom.”  Dr Nivea resumed her position on the stool between Sam’s legs.  “Go!”

Sam lurched forward, pulling on the towel and focusing on pushing from exactly where he felt the burning sensation.  He rocked backwards for a moment only to propel himself forwards again and push.

“Come on Sam, push, push, push! Push hard!  That baby is right there.”

“Fuck you!”  Sam growled before dissolving into a groan and bearing down again.  He started puffing out air as his cheeks flushed from exertion.

Dean grabbed Sam’s hand and let the man grip his own tightly.  “Come on Sammy.”

“Shit!”  Sam felt an intense searing pain as he pushed hard, finally feeling the baby slip forward and stay there.

“Perfect!  Baby’s crowning.  Take nice deep breaths and give me some slow and steady pushes.”  The doctor looked up from between Sam’s legs as he pushed.  She watched more of the baby’s head come into view and it was covered with a thick coating of dark wet hair.“There you go.  Good push Sam.  The baby has lots of hair.”

The words hit Sam hard and he cried out.  He didn’t want to know if his son had hair or not.  He didn’t want to know anything about the baby that would paint his dreams with images of him.  He wanted to get this over with and move on.  But his baby had hair and his heart was breaking.  His little boy wasn’t just a grainy ultrasound image anymore.  “Dean!”

“Shh, I’m right here Sammy.”  Dean was beside him, holding Sam’s leg up and apart while still gripping his brother’s hand.  ““Breathe and push Sam, the head’s almost out.”

“Arggh!”  Sam pitched forward in a push before he screamed out.

“Keep going.”

Dean ‘s plan of only staring at Sam faltered when he snuck a peak at the wet head emerging from Sam.  He paled as he watched Sam work to slowly inch it forward and he felt nauseous at that the mere thought of the act. But as gross as it looked, that little head was his and Sam’s baby and his curiosity kept him staring for longer than he wanted to allow himself.  Not wanting to fall to pieces he immediately turned his eyes back to his exhausted brother.  “You’re doing good.”

Sam let go of the towel with one hand and fisted the collar of Dean’s shirt.  “How the fuck would you know! You’re not pushing him out.”  His attack was cut off when his body was hit with another contraction and he cried out.  “Get him out!” Sam let out a shuddering yelp.

“You’re doing good Sam.”  Sam yelped again and the doctor kept trying to bolster his confidence.  “It’s okay, you’re going to feel lots of pressure. The head is coming.”  She wiped the area around the emerging head.  “You have to push now Sam.  Push him out, push hard.”

Sam growled and bore down, feeling the stretching and burning intensifying.  “Gah!”  He screwed his eyes shut was he surrendered to the push, his legs shaking against Dean and the nurse’s grasp.  The pressure he was warned about almost became unbearable as he pushed against it.

“Perfect Sam!  Head’s out.  You’re doing good.”  The doctor suctioned the baby’s mouth and nose before checking to see if the cord was around his neck.  “Now I want you to open your eyes and look down here.”

“I don’t want to see…”  Tears fell down Sam’s cheek.  He screwed his eyes shut as tight as he could and shook his head from side to side.

“Come on Sam, open your eyes and look at your baby.”  Dr. Niveea’s voice was calm as always but it had taken on a pleading quality, like what she was asking was important.

“I don’t want to.  Dean, tell them I don’t want to!”  Sam groaned out and writhed on the bed.

And that was the moment when Dean realized where things got lost in translation.  Sam had expressed to Dr. Saunders that he didn’t want any contact with the baby, but Dr. Niveea had no idea how.  “He doesn’t want to see.  We’re not keeping him.”  Dean’s tone was flat but held a warning.

Dean’s words took the doctor off guard and she had to refocus herself.  She cradled the baby’s head as he rotated in the birth canal, ready to come into the world.  “Alright Sam, then breathe and push.  That’s it...keep going.  Just like that.”

Sam screamed out and pushed, feeling his child slipping from him.  The tears had started falling down his cheeks again.

“Good!  One more!”  Dr. Niveaa guided the baby out, letting him emerge into her waiting hands on his own.  “Push him out Sam.”

“Come on Sam, one more and then you’re done.”  Dean pressed a kiss to Sam’s sweaty forehead.  He pressed his face close to his brother’s and let his tears fall to mingle with the ones on Sam’s cheek.  “You can do this.”

Keeping his eyes closed, Sam let out a shaky scream and pushed for the last time.

Their son slipped into the doctor’s arms and she cheerfully exclaimed, “It’s a boy!”  She gently carried the baby to a nearby cot and put him down so that the nurses to clean him off an examine him.  “Are you sure you don’t want to look?  Sam, Dean, I think you should look.”

Both men kept their foreheads pressed against each other’s while they shook their head ‘no’.

Sam choked on a sob the minute he heard a newborn’s wail pierce the room.  The little boy took steady breaths and let them out in wavering cries that burned their way into Sam’s brain.

Dean reacted the Sam way.  The minute the newborn was taking away from them he focused all his attention on Sam, turning his back to the commotion in the room.  “I love you so much.”

Sam couldn’t reply.  His body was drained from the birth and the sound of his child’s cries was shattering his heart in a whole new way.  Instinctively he wanted to seek out the cries and pull the baby into his arms.  But he knew he couldn’t.  He couldn’t let himself see his little boy because then he would mess up the kids chances of having a good life.  He dissolved into tears, making his sore body shudder as he gasped for air.

Dean’s hands went up to cup Sam’s face and he dropped soft kisses on the sides of his face.  “We can do this.  We can do this.”  Dean’s voice cracked and he cried into Sam’s neck.  “We can do this.”  He leaned onto the bed as if he and Sam were trying to bury themselves in each other.  “He’s going to have such a good life.”

A shudder of pain ran though Sam’s body and his mind came back in focus enough to realize he was delivering the afterbirth.  He moaned and then went back to delving into the safety of Dean’s neck.  He couldn’t escape their son’s loud crying.  “Why aren’t they taking him out of here?”  When no one answered him he repeated the question louder.

“They are just checking to make sure he is okay honey.”  The nurse that had been holding his leg gave him a sad look.

Sam turned his head in the opposite direction of his child.  “He sounds amazing…I…I just don’t want to look.”

“He is amazing sweetie.  He’s perfect.”  Nurse Kim helped wipe Sam clean of the birth so that Dr. Niveea could check for any damage.

“When are they going to get him out of here?”  Dean curled both hands around Sam’s and pulled away enough to look the nurse in the eye.

“Just a minute.  Then Sam can get checked out and you can finally rest.”

Dean nodded and went back to Sam, cupping the man’s face again.  “I’m so proud of you Sammy.”

Sam blinked up at Dean and let tears fall, dampening Dean’s hand.  “Then why do I feel so shitty?”


	13. May D

It had been less than an hour since Sam had given birth to his and Dean’s son.  Propped up in bed and sipping water through a straw, everything in his body hurt.  His middle was almost as swollen as before he gave birth, his eyes were red and puffy and his chest ached.

All he wanted to do was sleep for a week but he had already been bothered by the social worker and Kathy, his adoption agent.  Apparently, they really wanted him to hold his baby.  They said that he would regret it if he didn’t.  But he refused.  Hearing the newborn's cry was enough to make him have nightmares about giving his son up for adoption; he didn’t need any more ammunition.   Regardless, he hadn’t given anyone else the okay to hold him yet, so they were in a sort of baby limbo.

He sighed heavily and looked at the man sitting beside him.  There was nothing left to say because whatever Dean was thinking was exactly what he was thinking as well.

Dean rubbed his own red eyes and tiptoed his right hand onto Sam’s lap.  “How are you feeling, Sam?”

“Sore.  And my chest is killing me.  And I’m leaking.”  He ran a hand through his hair.  “I am a freaking mess.”

“The doctor said she can give you something to dry up your milk, since you won’t be needing it.”  Dean was tired and his voice showed it.

“Ohh okay.  That’s good.”  Sam shifted and fell into silence again.  He felt a tugging in his gut and he couldn’t figure out why.  “They really want us to hold him.”

“I know.”  Dean pulled one leg up onto the chair and let it fall to the side so that it was propped up against the arm rest.  “What do you think.”

“I…”  Sam let himself honestly think about the question.  If he was being truthful with himself then he would acknowledge that he had been dying to hold his baby since he saw him sucking his thumb in his ultrasound.  “I want to hold him but I'm scared.”

“Do you think you’re strong enough to let go, because I don’t know if I am.”  Biting the corner of his nail, Dean sighed.

“Yeah.  I think I am.  I want what is best for him.  I want him to be happy.  But I want to say goodbye too.”

Dean brought both hands to his temples and let out a heavy breath.  “I want to hold him too.  God I can’t help it, I just want...I want to hold him so bad.”

Relief that his brother felt the same way washed over Sam.  He was afraid he was alone in this.  “Do you think…do you think you could get the nurse to bring him in here?”

“Of course I can.”  Dean rose and pressed a kiss to Sam’s forehead.  He went to leave the room but turned over his shoulder for reassurance from Sam.  “You sure we can do this?”

“No.  But I want to do it anyway.”  Sam wiped his nose with the back of his hand and nodded weakly.

And that answer was good enough for Dean.

*******************************

The minute the nurse entered the room with the baby, Dean’s heart stopped.  He hadn’t gotten a look at him in the delivery room and seeing him now was intense.  He was wrapped tightly in a white blanket with a tiny crocheted hat on his head.  He yawned big and Dean wanted to run out of the room.  Sam may be strong enough for this but he wasn’t.

Time stopped and then the nurse unexpectedly pressed the little bundle into Dean’s arms.  Dean had no idea what he was doing but his hands went protectively around the newborn as he cradled him close to his chest.

The nurse smiled at Dean’s shell-shocked expression and patted him on the back.  “You hang onto him for a minute while I help Sam get comfortable.”

Dean nodded dumbly and tried to remember how to breathe.  The baby blinked his eyes open but closed them just as fast, more content to nuzzle into the warmth of Dean’s arms.  Dean's voice went soft as he found himself cooing near the infant’s ear.  “Hi, baby.”

The nurse left the baby in Dean’s capable hands to help Sam sit up more soundly.  “Hi, I’m Corinne, how are you feeling?”

“Sore and leaky.”  Sam's eyes were fixated on Dean and their son as he answered the nurse.  He licked his lips and pressed them together as he watched Dean gently rock the little person wrapped in blankets. The moment made his heart do flip flops in his chest, almost afraid that the wrong movement would shatter everything.

“Do you want to try and breast feed?  They tried the bottle in the nursery but he wasn’t having much of it.  We thought maybe you would like to give feeding him a go.”

Sam turned his attention to the nurse and blinked at her.  He hadn’t expected to ever see his child, let alone breast feed him.  The longing in his gut reared it's head again and he was pretty sure it was because he was longing to take care of his son.  “If you think I should….I mean…I guess I can.”

“It is up to you sweetie.”  She smiled sincerely.  “But it will help him get some good nutrition.  Still, it is your call.”

Sam tripped over his words.  “But I don’t know how or I...I just don’t want to mess him up.”

Brushing his concerns aside with a swipe of her hands, the nurse patted him reassuringly on the shoulder.  “Nonsense.  You can’t mess him up.  And I’ll show you what to do.  Honestly, he has to do more work than you.”

Swallowing hard, Sam took a deep calming breath.  “Okay, I guess so then.”

“Excellent.  Let me help you get your gown undone.”

While the nurse helped Sam get ready, Dean had made his way towards the bed, just an arm’s reach from Sam.  “Look at what we did Sam?  He’s amazing.”  Dean smirked, his lips curving up higher on the right side.  When the infant started to fuss the smirk transformed into a look of uncertainty.  “What did I do?”

“Nothing honey, he’s just hungry.  Give him here so he can get a good meal.” Corinne turned towards Dean and plucked the crying infant from his arms.  She cooed in his ear as she bounced him over to Sam.  “Aww, you’re just hungry aren’t you little one?  Well hold your horses.”  Smiling up at Sam she asked, “You ready?”

“I think.”  Sam’s heart hammered in his chest.  It got even louder the moment the nurse laid the baby into his arms.  “Oh my god.”  He tightened his grip and blinked back tears.  “Hi little one.”  Without thinking he kissed the baby’s soft forehead and let his lips linger there.  “Hi sweet baby.”  Tilting his head up, he met Dean’s eyes and smiled.  “He looks like you.”

Dean shook his head weakly, his smile back in place.  “Nah.  He looks like you.”

Sam shrugged and sniffled.  He went back to inspecting the little being fussing in his arms.  “Dean look at him.”  Sam’s heart continued to thud and he nuzzled the baby closer, truly taking in his features for the first time  The infant let out a loud cry, prompting Sam to look for assistance.  He caught Corinne’s attention with a panicked glance.  “What do I do?”

“Almost exactly what you're doing.  Just support his body in your arms and turn his head towards your nipple.  He’s hungry so he might take it on one try.”

Feeling unsure but listening to the nurse’s advice, Sam brought the crying baby closer to his exposed chest and urged his head close to his milk filled pec.  “Like this?”  His question was cut off when the baby instinctively moved his mouth around Sam’s nipple, searching it out before actually latching on.  “Oh!” Sam stiffened at the odd feeling before relaxing into it.  It didn’t necessarily feel good except it did because a part of his brain realized that no one else could have this bond with his child.

“You’ve got it!  Either you’re a natural or that is one perfect baby.”  Corinne laughed.  “I’ll give you some privacy so you three can get acquainted.  Call if you need anything.  And if he cries, you can always switch to the other side.”  She gave the two men another happy smile before leaving them in peace.

Dean watched her go before finding enough courage to join Sam on the bed.  “He’s eating?”

“Is he ever!”  Sam tore his eyes away from his son to meet Dean’s.  “It feels so weird.”  The baby nuzzled against Sam and suckled harder, Sam’s milk filling his empty belly.  With every passing minute, Sam found himself breaking more and more of the rules he set up to protect himself from crumbling under the adoption of his child.  “I can’t believe this is actually my kid.”

“Tell me about it.  He wasn’t 100% real before but now…now he is even better than I thought he would be.”  Dean's fingers twitched with the desire to hold the newborn again but he satisfied himself with watching Sam fawn over him.

Sam opened his mouth to say something but then retreated.  He pulled into himself and lost himself to his thoughts.  The baby was still content but his mind wandered to the nervousness he was sure he would feel when he had to switch nipples.  Looking down at the newborn's dark hair and soft curve of his ears, he realized that the social worker had been right; he would have regretted not doing this.  His son was perfection and he was quickly inching his way into Sam’s heart.  It was cliché but all the pain of Sam’s labor melted away and he pressed another kiss to the infant’s head.  “Dean?”  He looked up to find his brother studying the two of them intensely.

“Hmm?”

“I…”  Sam curled his arms more protectively around the baby.  “I don’t think I can give him up.”

“What?”  Dean blinked in disbelief.

“I am not expecting you to stick around.  In fact, I understand if you don’t want to.  But I don’t think I can give him up.  I want to raise him and I don’t care if I have to do it on my own.  It’s okay if – “ Sam’s words were cut off by Dean pressing his lips roughly against his own.  It took Sam by such surprise that he jumped and startled the baby, but Dean kept pressing into the sign of affection.  When they finally broke apart, Sam was staring wide eyed at the older man with a question hanging heavily in the air.

“Thank god."  Dean had both hand's cupping Sam's face and he pulled him in for another heartfelt kiss.  "Thank god.  I was thinking the same thing.  I thought maybe I could give him up but I can’t, I just can’t.”  Dean laughed, a hysterical sound making its way out of his mouth.  “I don’t want someone else to watch him grow up.  I don’t want him to call someone else 'Dad'.”  Dean smiled and wiped a tear that was threatening to fall from his eye.  “I want to be his dad, Sammy.”

Sam found himself tearing up as well.  Emotions had been running high all day and he found himself at the very edge of losing his composure.  “We’re crazy to do this right?  I mean, we are crazy to even think we can do this.”  The baby let out a cry and Sam shushed him, trying to get him to latch on again.  When he didn’t, Sam carefully rotated his swaddled boy so that he could try drinking from the other side.

Dean watched his brother get their son to latch on again, awed at how the motion seemed almost natural for Sam.  He waited to speak until the two of them were settled and Sam was focused on the major overhaul their lives’ direction had taken.  “No, we can do this.”  Dean reached out and cupped his son’s head, feeling the soft baby fuzz of his hair against his palm.

Tilting his head up, Sam was able to kiss Dean’s cheek.  “What about Sammi and Brad.”

Dean growled protectively, placing his anger on Sammi and Brad when it wasn’t really justified.  “Fuck them.  They aren’t going anywhere near our kid.  They’d have to go through me if they thought they were still taking him.”  He calmed himself with an extended breath before continuing.  “I mean, I feel bad for them, but he is our kid.  We have the right to raise him if we want to.”

“I really want to – raise him that is.”  Sam winced at the pain in his chest but his smile didn’t falter.  He lowered his eyes, hesitant to speak his next thought.  “I want to raise him…with you.”

“Ohh Sam.”  Dean cupped Sam’s face and pressed a quick kiss to his lips.  “Was there ever any question about that?”  It saddened Dean that Sam would worry about that.  “Of course I want to raise him _with_ you.  He is both of ours.”

Sam  sniffled as Dean’s words hit him.  “Really?”

“Really.”  Dean lifted Sam’s chin and kissed him long and hard.  “It’ll be good.”

“This is unreal.”  Sam looked up at the ceiling.  He couldn’t believe the sharp turn his life made in such a short amount of time.  “There are a lot of things we have discuss.”

“We’ll figure it out.”  Dean was calm, the grounding force that Sam always looked for.  “It only makes sense with you, Sam.  You’re my weakness and I’m yours.  How could us doing this together be wrong?”

Sam stared into Dean’s green eyes, emotions he kept bridled now freely running to the surface.  “It isn’t wrong.” Sighing in the face of the overwhelming situation, he let himself think for the first time that things could actually work out, that he could actually do this.  The baby cried out and pulled away, twisting his face away from Sam.  “I think he’s done.” Looking at his older brother, Sam smiled.  “Wanna hold him?”

Shaking his head without hesitation, Dean reached his arms towards the sated child.  “Mmm hmm.”  The moment Sam placed the baby in Dean's arms, his heart exploded the same way it did the first time he held him.  “Hi little man.”  Smiling down at his son, he used the pad of his thumb to brush his chubby cheeks.  “He needs a name.”

“I kind of had something I was thinking about ever since I found out he was a boy.”  Sam pulled his hospital gown upright and tied it behind his back.

“Yeah?  What is it?”

Sam hadn’t let himself speak the name out loud before and the word felt odd on his tongue.  “Jonah.”

Dean raised an eyebrow.  “Jonah?  As in the boy who got swallowed by a whale?”

“If you make any whale reference in regards to my pregnancy, I will kill you.”  Sam’s words lacked any real heat but he narrowed his eyes at Dean.  “But yes, _that_ Jonah.”

Shrugging in consideration, Dean looked down at his son.  “Are you a Jonah?”  The baby shifted and yawned, squirming so that he got one hand free enough to peek his tiny fingers out of the blanket.

Toying with the baby’s hand, Sam traced his finger over the newly exposed palm.  “Do you like it?”

“Sam, after what I saw you go through in the delivery room, you can name him whatever you damn well please.”  Dean brought the little bundle up to his eye level and touched their noses together.  “Hello Jonah Winchester.”

Sam fell back against the pillow so he could watch Dean and their child bond.  Quickly, one hour became two which quickly became three.  Now that he had planned on keeping his baby, Sam didn’t want to let him go.

What broke them out of their family bliss was Kathy entering the room and asking the two men when they planned on letting Sammi and Brad hold the baby.

Panic overcame Sam and he froze, giving her a startled stare, pulling Jonah into his arms and tucking the newborn’s head under his chin.  “We’re keeping him.”

Kathy, for her part, kept her composure and nodded at Sam’s revelation.  She didn’t question it and respected their decision.  Instead, she calmly proceeded.  “Well, I think that you owe it to them to explain the situation.  I’ll give you a minute to gather your thoughts.”  She nodded at both men before silently retreating the way she came.

Dean put his hand on Sam’s shoulder.  “I’ll go.  Don’t worry, it will be okay.”  He kissed Sam softly before leaning down to kiss Jonah’s soft hair.  As he stood to follow Kathy out of the room, Sam grabbed his wrist.

“Can you send Jess in?”  Sam had almost forgotten about his friend after the events of the last 4 hours but the longing to share his new found happiness with his best friend reminded him.

“Jess?  She might not even be here anymore.”

“No, she’s here.  You don’t know her like I do.”  Sam smiled and nuzzled the side of Jonah’s face.

“Okay.  I’ll see if she is still here.  And if I don’t come back within the hour…send help.”  He laughed to dispel the tension.

Once he pushed through to the hallway, he saw Jess slumped exhaustedly in a chair.  Dean should have known better than to doubt Sam’s intuition about her.  As soon as she saw Dean, she perked up and came back to life, jumping out of the chair and heading straight towards Dean.

Jess’ words came out in a jumble.  “How is he?  They won’t tell me anything and you haven’t come out in hours and I thought maybe –“

Dean held up a hand to stop her onslaught of questions.  “He’s fine.  The baby’s fine.”  Dean smiled at the mention of Jonah.  “The baby is perfect actually.”

“How’s Sam dealing with giving him up?”  Jess pouted and wrung her hands.

Not sure how the girl was going to take the news he was about to drop, Dean contemplated telling Jess to take a seat.  Instead, he waited for her compose herself.  “We’re keeping the baby.”

Jess blinked in disbelief.  “What?”  She squealed in delight and clapped her hands together.  “Really?!”  She waited for Dean to nod before launching herself at him, jumping onto his taller frame and locking her arms around his neck, hugging him so that her feet didn’t touch the ground.  “Oh Dean!  I’m so happy for you.”

Dean stumbled back, astonished by the petite girl hanging around his neck.  He laughed nervously before letting his hands come together around her back, hugging her excited form to his chest.  He let them linger there a moment, their feud put on a temporary hold.

Jess squealed again and wiggled with happiness.  She laughed in Dean’s ear.  “I still hate you.”

Laughing, Dean let his voice echo down the hallway.  “Don’t worry, I still hate you too.”  He placed her back on the ground.  “Now I need to take care of some unfinished business but Sam is asking for you.  He wants to introduce you to someone.”

“The baby?!”  Jess jumped up and down, smiling ear to ear.

“No, the Dali Lama.”  He thumped her on the head.  “Of course the baby!  Get your ass in there!”  He shoved her in the direction of Sam's room and took off towards where Sammi and Brad were waiting.  Before he disappeared from view he called over his shoulder, “And don’t drop my kid!”

Jess scampered into the room, knocking on the door softly to draw Sam’s attention.  “Hey, handsome.  Can I come in?”

“Jess!”  Sam perked up and smiled at his friend.  “Of course!!!”

Sneaking into the room slowly, Jess had to restrain herself from attacking Sam with a hug.  “Oh my god, you have a little person!”  She smiled as she observed the infant nestled in Sam’s arm.

Sam shifted the baby so that his friend could see his face.  “Jess, this is Jonah.”  He paused to let his friend “ohh” and “ahh” at the baby.  “Jonah, meet your aunt Jess.”

“Aunt Jess?”  Touched, Jess put both hands over her heart.  “Really?”

“Of course!  I wouldn’t have made it this far if it wasn’t for you.”

“Aww Sam!  He’s so cute, even if he does look like Dean.”  Sam snorted and Jess waved his annoyance away.  “I’m kidding, relax.”  She wiggled her nose at the baby.  “He’s gorgeous.”

“Thanks.  I think so too but I’m biased.”  Sam practically beamed with pride.

“Give me that cutie.”  Jess reached out to Sam and he carefully transferred the newborn into his friend’s arms.  “Hi little handsome.”  She snuggled the baby closer.  “You’re awfully cute to have given your father such a difficult time before.”

Sam rolled his eyes and sighed at the memory.  “You have no idea.”  He pushed himself up on the bed and watched his friend fuss over Jonah.  “I am sorry I kept you waiting so long Jess…I just needed to figure some things out.”

Jess shook her head at him.  “Stop Sam.  It’s okay.  I could hear you screaming from the hallway so I’d say you did me a favor by leaving me to deal with Barbie and Ken.  Besides, you’re keeping the baby, which is news well worth the wait.”  She leaned forward, keeping Johan cradled against her body, and kissed Sam on the cheek.  “I’m so happy for you.”  
  
"I'm happy too Jess."  And for the first time in nine months, Sam actually meant those words.


	14. June

Sam slowly came awake from one of the deepest sleeps he’s had in 3 weeks.  He fought finding consciousness but someone was insisting on shaking him and calling his name.  It took him a few more shakes to realize the voice was Dean’s and it was currently being drowned out their son’s crying.

“I’m too tired, Dean.”  Sam tried snuggling deeper into the pillow but it was too late, he knew he was up and wouldn’t be able to find sleep for a while.

“You gotta wake up Sammy.”  Dean climbed onto the mattress beside Sam, Jonah cradled effortlessly in one arm.  Jonah was crying, his tiny lungs making big noise.

“Don’t wanna.”

“I wish you didn’t have to but someone is hungry.”  Dean tried bouncing Jonah but the infant only calmed temporarily.

Groaning, Sam pushed himself up and into a sitting position on the bed.  His hair was sticking in every direction and his eyes were still squinted with the last remnants of sleep.  “Someone is _always_ hungry.”  His words lacked any real annoyance but his exhaustion made them sound that way.

“Well yeah, he’s my kid.”  Dean shook his head at Sam.

“Well then maybe _you_ should feed him.”  It’s a quip but it was a half hearted one.  Sam sighed and pulled his shirt over his head anyway without thinking.  He was nervous of having Dean’s eye’s on his body right after he had a baby but his son was crying and he knew how to put his priorities in the right order.  He made a grabbing motion towards Dean and the older man quickly transfered Jonah into his arms.  “Hey handsome.”

Dean groaned and puts his hand to his head.  “Oh lord, Jess’ nickname stuck.”

“So are you saying he isn’t handsome?”  With a knowing smirk, he turned away from Dean and curled Jonah closer to his chest.  His annoyance at being woken up melted away when he saw Jonah’s balled up fists.  No matter how adorable he thinks his son is, it doesn’t take away his exhaustion.  Cooing down at the baby, “Well I think you’re very handsome.  And I am sorry I am so tired, but _someone_ ran me ragged today.”  Sam adjusted his hold and within moments Jonah’s crying stopped and he was feeding happily.  “Woah, slow down buddy.”  Shifting in the bed, Sam got his legs folded underneath him.

Dean let himself settle next to Sam, watching his son nurse as Sam closed his eyes and thumped his head back onto the wall behind the makeshift bed, which was really just a mattress on a floor but it served its purpose.  He would have sworn Sam had fallen back to sleep but when he reached out to brush the soft hair on Jonah’s head with his palm the younger man cracked one eye open to look at him.  Dean's voice was soft, “You’re really good with him.”

Sam closed his eye again and nodded.  “Mmm hmm.”  He curled his arm protectively around Jonah.  “You are too, when you are around.”

Biting the corner of his lip, Dean felt the guilt Sam was throwing at him.  It wasn't his fault, not really.  Sam wasn’t working and Dean needed to figure a way to make more money to support his brother and son.  “I’m sorry about the whole not being around thing.  I just…I just worry about being able to afford things.  You and I can get by on scraps but Jonah can’t.  I’ve been taking every job I can get.”

“I never said I was mad at you for not being around much.”  Sam let his head loll to the side and he opened his eyes to face Dean.

Dean sighed.  “It’s alright if you are.  I’d be mad at me.”  He paused in his thoughts when Sam winced and let out a surprised hiss.  “Is he still hurting you?”

“Only sometimes.  It’s okay.  He’s still figuring this whole nursing thing out but so am I.  I’d say we’re still navigating the learning curve.”  Sam let a puff of air out through his nose.  “It is pretty much the weirdest thing I’ve ever done.”  Pausing to think, Sam backtracked.  “Strike that.  We’ve done much weirder things.  It is just the weirdest thing my body has ever done.”

With a wisecrack on the tip of his tongue, Dean held back and watched Sam with the baby in silence for a minute.  Jonah squirmed and fussed, prompting Sam to bring him up to his shoulder and thump on his back.  The infant whimpered but then nuzzled into his father’s shoulder before Sam’s thumping brought about a small burp.  Dean couldn’t help but think that 3 weeks ago they would have never managed a nighttime feeding as smoothly as they were handling this one.  Jonah made a mewing sound and Sam kissed his head before positioning him to latch on again.  
  
Dean smiled. “He loves you.”

“He loves food.”  Sam looked down at his son and spoke softly.  “Come on handsome, I know you’re still hungry.”  He shifted the infant’s body and rocked him ever so slightly until he opened his mouth and latched on again after a few false starts.  Fully awake by now, Sam looked down at Jonah’s little body.  The summer heat and lack of a decent air conditioning system made the room too warm to wear anything but the bare essentials.  Jonah was outfitted in a black AC/DC onesie, his rolly polly baby legs kicking freely.  “He wasn’t wearing that when I put him down for the night.”

Dean toyed with his son’s chubby foot.  “No.  He was wet when he woke up.  I changed him into that.  It looks like he is _finally_ gaining enough weight to fill it out.”

Sam sighed.  Ever since Jonah lost a lot of his birth weight, he had some trouble gaining it back.  He finally started gaining ounces at a rate that doctors were content with, but some of his baby clothes still ran a little big.  “He looks so much bigger in it now than he did the first time.”  A tiny smile crept over Sam’s face as he thought about how small Jonah still was and how much smaller he was several weeks ago.

*****************************************

_Sam had no idea how long he had been sleeping but his first thoughts as he was being pulled into wakefulness were that he should be doing something.  There was a nagging in his gut telling him that he needed to wake up because he was responsible for something.  Blinking his eyes open, it took him a moment to realize where he was – a hospital – but he still couldn’t figure out what time of day it was or how long he had been sleeping.  The room was dim but not dark and the shades were drawn tight.  Sitting up far too quickly, Sam gasped in pain and put his hands to his middle, feeling that the once familiar curve of his belly was mostly gone.  That jolted him into alertness and he remembered he just had a baby; he couldn’t believe that that fact wasn’t ingrained in every fiber of his being – even his subconscious._

_“Relax Sam.  You’re okay.”  Dean’s voice was calm and soothing and it started Sam’s heart rate back on the path to normalcy._

_“I just had a baby.”  It was a stupid statement and Sam wasn’t sure why he needed to say it but it helped solidify the change his life had taken._

_“Yeah, you did.”  Dean laughed softly.  “And he is pretty awesome.”_

_As he slowly positioned himself so that he was sitting upright, Sam groaned and his face contorted into one of discomfort.  His whole body felt sore and the shifting made his poor muscles let him know exactly how much work they’d just done.  Turning his head to the side, he saw Dean sitting in a chair beside his bed, a tiny white bundle cradled in his arms and held protectively against his chest.  “What time is it?”_

_“Five in the morning.”  Dean tried to stifle a yawn but couldn’t really contain it._

_“How long have you been sitting there?”_

_“An hour or so.  You were sleeping when I came back and I didn’t want to wake you.  The nurse, Corinne – I like her by the way – said I could stay in here with Jonah while you slept.”  He smiled at the mention of his son’s name._

_Sam’s heart thudded loudly when he saw his brother’s growing attachment to their son. “Didn’t you get any sleep?”_

_“And give up getting to know this little guy?” Dean shook his head.  “Nah.  There is plenty of time for that later.”_

_While he was thrilled that Dean was so taken with their child, the nagging in Sam’s gut intensified and he remembered exactly what he should be doing and who he was responsible for.  He wanted to get his hands on Jonah, he needed to.  “He’s okay?”  He must have been giving Dean pleading eyes without realizing it because without asking Dean was on his feet and transferring the infant into Sam’s arms._

_“See for yourself.”  Dean hovered near the bed, watching Sam greedily embrace the infant._

_Even in the dimness of the room Sam could see that Jonah’s little eyes were open, blinking long eyelashes every so often.  “Hi little man.”  Sam brought him up to his shoulder so he could inhale his scent and kiss the top of his head.  He was so surprisingly happy that it came as a complete shock when heavy tears started rolling down his cheeks._

_“Hey, hey, what’s with the tears?”  Dean sat on the edge of the bed, all concern and confusion.  He wiped a fat tear away with his thumb but Sam continued to cry._

_Sam sobbed loudly, taking a shuddering breath between cries.  “He’s really cute.”_

_Dean almost laughed.  “Yeah, he is, but that isn’t any reason for tears.”  Moving more of his body onto the bed, Dean managed to put his arm around Sam and pull him aside of his chest._

_Shaking his head and still letting several tears fall, Sam let out another trembling cry.  “He’s really cute and I almost gave him away.”  Sam felt like the worst parent in the world.  He didn’t deserve this amazing little being that was contently wrapped in his arms.  How could Jonah ever forgive him for not wanting him?  All he could think about was how hurt his son would feel in the future if he found out he was a mistake, that he was supposed to be put up for adoption, that his parents never intended on keeping him._

_“Ohh Sam.  Don’t get yourself worked up about that.  You’re going to upset Jonah.”  As if on cue, the infant let out a hic-cry and Sam focused all his attention on soothing the baby.  “See?  He doesn’t want you to be upset.”_

_Sam buried his face in Dean’s shirt, making his words muffled but not impossible to make out.  “What if he thinks we didn’t love him? That we didn’t want him?”_

_“But we do want him.”  Dean pressed a kiss into Sam’s hair.  “And we always loved him.  You said it yourself.  You wouldn’t have taken such good care of yourself while you were pregnant if you didn’t love him.  You thought adoption might be the best plan for him and people who love their children always want what is best for them.”_

_“But…but…” Sam sniffled, becoming quiet before he broke into a whole new onslaught of cries.  Jonah started fussing more, his father’s loud sobs prompting him to break out into a loud wail as well._

_“Shh, no buts.”  Dean pulled Sam upright and took Jonah, rocking him gently to stop the crying.  It took a few gentle sways of his body but the infant’s crying started petering out into soft breathy shudders.  “See how upset he is that you think so poorly of yourself?”  Dean made a soft shushing sound, not sure if he was trying to comfort his son or Sam.  It seemed to have worked for Jonah but Sam was still crying, albeit quieter._

_“I’m going to be a terrible father.”  Sam wiped his eyes with the fingers of both hands, brushing the tears out of the way.  He felt like he couldn’t possibly be enough for this little person, that Jonah surely knew he had never meant to keep him.  “What if he hates me?”_

_“Sam, stop.  You are working yourself up for nothing.  He doesn’t hate you.  He might one day, but doesn’t every teenager hate their parents at some point?”  Dean paused and looked at Sam, noting that his tears had dissolved into a look of uncertainty and insecurity.  “Here.  Hold your amazing son and try to tell me you’ll be a terrible father.”  Dean returned Jonah to Sam’s arms, lingering so that they were both holding him for a moment.  “You, who is so good and so selfless, how could you mess this up?  You created this amazing person.”_

_Blinking away a tear, Sam looked at his son who was clearly upset by the sudden deviation from the calmness Sam woke to.  “You helped.  Although I didn’t think it was ‘help’ at the time.”_

_“Biologically maybe, but that healthy baby…that’s all you Sammy.” Dean smoothed out Jonah’s hair, swooping it to the side._

_Taking a calming breath, Sam tried to wrap his head around what he knew was true.  He may have hated the fact that he was pregnant but he never once hated the baby.  It was why he couldn’t choose to have an abortion.  It was why he thought Sammi and Brad would have made a happy family for him.  It was why he made every doctor’s appointment and ate healthy - most of the time.  His heart loved Jonah before his brain even realized it.  He hugged Jonah too him, maybe a little tighter than necessary.  “I love you Jonah.”_

_Dean combed his fingers though Sam’s hair.  “Listen, I have no idea how this parenting thing works either, but we’ll figure it out and he’ll survive.  I mean, I practically raised you and you’re still kicking.”_

_Sam nodded.  “I just don’t want him to think we didn’t want him.  I **always** wanted him.  I just didn’t think I could do it on my own.  But now he’s here and you’re here and…I can’t think of anything but keeping him.”_

_“Well he is all ours.”  Dean smiled, bringing both hands to cup Sam’s face and kiss him gently._

_“Oh god, he really is, isn’t he?”_ _The weight of that fact hit Sam hard.  He was responsible for this little person.  He had never been solely responsible for anyone before.  Of course he had Dean’s back in the past, but Dean was usually the one looking out for him._

_“Yep.”  Curling an arm protectively around his little family, Dean smirked proudly._

_“And you really think we can do this?”  Sam wanted to believe in Dean’s reassurances but he was so certain his world would come crashing down at any moment that he was hesitant.  He loved the man sitting beside him, he loved the baby in his arms, but he didn’t know how everything would fit into his very complicated little world._

_“I think we are going to hit some major bumps in the road but I know we can get by them.  We rid this world of a lot of shit that hell has thrown at us; I think we can handle our kid.”  Dean let himself laugh, smiling wider when Sam joined in._

_Falling into a comfortably silence, Sam trailed his pointer finger down Jonah’s face and over the soft roundness of his cheeks.  “How long was I sleeping?”_

_“Jess said you passed out on her around 4 hours ago.  I’m sorry I was gone so long but Sammi and Brad weren’t exactly thrilled that we decided to keep the baby.”  Dean shifted so that he could lean against his brother._

_Just the thought of the emotional pain that he and Dean put Sammi and Brad through made Sam cringe.  “Was it that bad?”_

_Dean nodded.  “First there was crying, then screaming, then crying again.  They tried to hold it together, they really did, but by the time I left the room I was ‘a heartless bastard who has no idea how much you’re selfish actions destroyed us.’ Sammi cried, then shrieked, then she hit me with her purse.  I think she scared Kathy.  I feel bad for them.  I really do.  But they way they behaved…that was inexcusable.”_

_Sam raised both eyebrows.  “Her purse, huh?  I would have thought something more substantial.”_

_“Well it waaaaas a heavy purse.  And she had a shoe aimed for my head but I ducked just in time.  It did hit Kathy though.  The poor woman has her hands full with those two.”  Dean rubbed the shoulder where Sammi had hit him in an attempt to gain pity._

_Sam stared at him like he was crazy, one eyebrow lowered and the other still raised.  “I just pushed your kid out.  Getting hit with a purse full of bricks wouldn’t be comparable.”  He dared Dean to disagree with him, his eyes glowering._

_“You win.”  Dean put up his hands in defeat.  “It still wasn’t fun.  I felt like a terrible person but all I could think about was how over the moon I am about getting the chance to raise our son.  I kept thinking, ‘these people can’t have him.  He's all ours.’  And even though Sammi and Brad were heartbroken, I was still so happy.”  He paused and turned to face his brother.  “Does that make me a terrible person?  Because you’ve made me so happy Sammy.  I didn’t think this,” he gestured to Sam snuggled up with Jonah, “would make me so happy, but it does.”_

_The smile that overtook Sam’s face was slow in forming but when it did it lit up the room.  “Oh please, Dean.  This is part of who you are.  You always wanted a family but you’ve never thought it would happen so you’ve never properly let yourself want it.”  Sam tilted his head to graze Dean’s lips, coasting across them before leaning in further and kissing him deeply.  When they pulled apart, he kept their faces close together.  As much as he too felt terrible for inadvertently leading Sammi and Brad on, Sam felt the same as Dean did.  How could that make them both horrible people?  “And it doesn’t make you a terrible person.  It makes you a proud father.”_

_“This is why I love you.”  Dean grabbed Sam’s face and crushed their lips together.  He was taken by surprise when Sam tried to dominate the kiss but quickly took control back before parting.  Letting his breathing return to normal, his words came out in a whisper.  “You always have a way of making things so simple.”_

_“I don’t make them simple, I just see them for what they are.”_

_“Well, you’re good at that.”  Dean leaned in for a kiss again but Jonah let out a cry.  “When was the last time you fed him?”_

_“I dunno, right before I fell asleep I guess.  Do you think he's hungry?”  Sam tensed up, Jonah’s wailing intensifying._

_“Probably.  I just changed his diaper before you woke up, so it isn’t that.”_

_Sam pulled back in shock.  “You? You changed his diaper?”_

_Dean brushed him off, sitting up straighter on the edge of the bed.  “Yes, me.  It’s not that hard.”  He felt Sam still staring at him incredulously.  “Okay…Corinne may have helped a teeny bit.  But now I got it down pat.  I think…”_

_“Don’t worry, you’ll get lots of practice.”  Sam bounced Jonah while recovering from his disbelief that Dean had changed their newborn and planned on doing it again.  “Can you undo my hospital gown, I kind of have my hands full.”_

_Dean quickly did as directed and Sam nervously brought Jonah to his chest the way the nurse had instructed the first time.  Instead of latching on immediately like before, he continued crying.  Sam panicked, feeling inadequate at his inability to comfort his son.  “Maybe you should go get Corinne.  I’m not good at this.”_

_“Give him a minute Sam.  He’s all upset and you’re too tense.”  Dean kneaded the tense muscles at Sam’s neck and shoulders.  “Just relax.  He figured it out before, he’ll do it again.”_

_“You don’t know that.”  Despite his nervousness, Sam forced himself to relax and cooed at the baby.  As he talked softly, Jonah started quieting down and his tongue found Sam’s nipple, quickly followed by his mouth latching on.  It took him a few tries to latch properly but he was soon contently nursling and nuzzling into Sam’s chest._

_“See.” Dean gave his brother a cocky smirk._

_“Shut up.”  Rolling his eyes at his brother, he snorted.  The sensation of having Jonah feed form him was surreal yet empowering.  It was like no one else existed except for the two of them.  Like feeling the baby kick inside of him, it was something no one else could share with his son.  Jonah was making happy little eating noises and Sam’s heart melted.  “On May 16 th, at 10:37, I fell in love again.  I just didn’t know it at the time.”_

_“Sammy, you sound like a chick.”  Dean’s words were half serious._

_“Oh please.  Like you should talk with your whole ‘we always loved him’ speech.”  Sam stuck his tongue out at his brother, a childish act revealing his age.  Looking down at his son, he was struck with a sudden thought.  “What would Dad think about this?”  He hadn’t thought about his father in so long that Sam was surprised when the question entered his brain.  There was a part of him that wondered if his dad would care to know that he was a grandfather, if he would love Jonah in some way or hate him.  What would he think of Dean?  What would he think of him?  What would he think of them being together?_

_Dean’s eyes darkened and narrowed.  “Who cares what he thinks.  I’m perfectly happy to stay as far away from him as I can.  You had the right idea in leaving Sammy.”_

_“And if he tracks us down?”  Sam felt sad that he even had to worry about that possibility._

_“He won’t.”_

_Sam didn’t want to dig into Dean’s certainty but their father was both relentless and unpredictable.  “But if he does?”_

_“Then we introduce him to Jonah and if he has a problem with it we send him packing.”  Dean’s voice had a fierce edge of protection.  “It’s not like he can exorcise the kid or anything.  Jonah’s here to stay and if he has a problem with it then he can get out.  I’m not letting him drag us back down Sam.  I’m not.”_

_Nodding, Sam dropped the subject.  A part of him was sad that Jonah couldn’t have a grandfather, but the other part was happy Dean would keep the three of them safe from his destructive ways.  John had thought nothing Sam could do was good enough, but Jonah was better than good enough.  It was a shame the man couldn’t eat his words.  Jonah pulled away from him, his eyes closed peacefully as he turned his head away from Sam’s chest.  “I think he’s done.”  Sam held him up and patted his back gently.  Before long he took a surprised intake of air when his son burped and spit up at the same time, the mouthful of milk dribbling onto the blanket he was wrapped in.  “Eww.”  He pouted at his son who seemed oblivious to the mess.  “Poor baby.  Let’s get you out of this dirty blanket.”  Carefully, he unswaddled the infant and softly blotted Jonah’s mouth with it before tossing it aside.  When his son was completely unwrapped he noticed that, instead of the hospital issued white onesie, Jonah was wearing a small black one with AC/DC’s logo printed across the chest.  It was loose on Jonah’s tiny body but fit him enough to stay in place.  “What is this?”_

_Sam caught the blush on Dean’s face.  “It is something I picked up the other day.  I thought we could give it to Sammi and Brad but_ _after talking to them, when_ _I stopped at my apartment to get some things, it caught my eye and I realized I never bought it for them.  I wanted to see him wear it.  Corinne said it was okay if I put it on him.”  Dean trailed a finger over the logo and down Jonah’s milk filled tummy.  “He looks better in black.”_

_Sam smiled for the hundredth time since Jonah was born.  He thought Jonah looked the same in any outfit but he humored him brother.  “Yeah, he does.”  Inspecting all the baby's soft limbs, toes, and fingers, Sam brought him up to give him a kiss.  “Are you back in black Jonah?”  He laughed before laying him back down on his thighs so he could look at him.  “We are going to need more baby clothing.”_

_“Umm, yeah, about that…”  Dean scratched at the back of his neck and left his hand there.  “I wanted to explain why I was gone so long.”  He paused until Sam looked at him expectantly.  “I went back to my apartment to figure out some things and…well…I know my apartment is small but if we move some things around we can fit a bed for us and a crib for Jonah and still have room for all your stuff and whatever he needs.  And I was thinking – you don’t have to if you don’t want to – but I was thinking you could come stay with me and we can go get some baby stuff when you get out of the hospital.  I have money saved up from all the cars I’ve been working on.  Students are gearing up to drive home for the summer and I’ve had a lot of cars to work on.  I swear, I would’ve probably bought half the shit we need if it wasn’t so late or early or whatever….”  Dean trailed off, his words having got jumbled together towards the end of his revelation._

_There was little else for Sam to do but blink at his brother.  His mouth dropped slightly as he figured out exactly what Dean was asking him.  “Do you think I am going to say no?”_

_The suddenness of Sam’s response left Dean stumbling for words.  “No!  I don’t know. Yes?  Maybe?  I don’t know Sammy.  I hoped you would say yes. You just had my baby, where else would I want you to be?”_

_Loving the fact that he could still fluster his brother, Sam smirked.  “Of course I’ll move in with you.  Where else would I find home?”_

***********************************************

“You were right, he does look good in black.”  Sam tiptoed his fingers over Jonah’s round belly.  “Can you take him?  I have to pee.”

“Come here monster.”  Dean scooped his son into his arms and moved aside so that Sam could make his way off the mattress.

Sam got to his feet and carefully made his way to the bathroom.  Their apartment was a mess.  For not having many possessions, they had somehow found a way to clutter the whole room.  True, most of the clutter was now due to what made up their whole world – Jonah.  His bassinet, bouncer, toys, clothing, and diapers littered the floor.  A mattress on the floor, a dresser for their clothing, Sam’s desk and computer made up the room’s other inhabitants.  Things had been crazy but it was a crazy Sam was learning how to live with.  His brother kept telling him that it was temporary, that they would have it better soon.  Truthfully, Sam didn’t care.  He had lived in much worse.  He was happy to have a safe place to stay with the two people he loved most.

When he entered the bathroom, it was in an equally chaotic state.  Baby bath products, towels, bather, and wash clothes were strewn everywhere.  Sighing, Sam did his business and returned to his brother.  Dean had laid Jonah on the middle of the bed and was currently reclining on his right side, his body curling protectively around the baby.  Even though the dimness of the room, Sam could make out the area where Dean’s t-shirt rode up on his body and exposed the stark outline of his hip bone.   He would have had to of been blind not to notice that Dean was losing weight.  Money had been tight and Dean refused to let Sam go without decent meals because Sam fed Jonah and the two of them were his top priorities.  Dean also kept Jonah clothed and clean, a burden Sam felt terrible about placing wholly on Dean.

“Hey, Dean?”  Sam sat down on the mattress softly so not to jostle Jonah.  “Have you eaten today?”  He found himself curling his body around his son as well, him and Dean making parentheses around Jonah's sleeping form.

“Yeah, I had something earlier.”  Dean let his head fall to the pillow and huffed out a sigh.

“How _earlier_?  Like dinner-time-earlier or lunch-time-earlier?”  Sam reached out a hand and traced the protruding hip bone that caused his concern.

Dean swatted him away.  “In between.”

“Dean.”  Sam’s voice was a warning.  He wasn’t thrilled that his brother had been eating one or two meals a day, if you could even call them meals.  “You can’t keep doing this.  I can get a job.  I don’t have to start courses again in the fall…”

“Yes you do!”  Dean grabbed Sam’s hand and held it tightly.  “Yes you do Sammy.  You have to go back.  It’s your dream and we will figure things out here.  I promise.”  Dean stared at Sam, the seriousness of his words emanating from his eyes.  “I have a job interview at an auto shop tomorrow.  The owner is pretty old; he is looking for someone to take over for him.  If I get this then things will get easier.  But I need you to trust me.”

“I _do_ trust you.  I just worry.”  Sam curled his fingers so that they fit between Dean’s.

“Don’t.  It’s okay Sammy.”  Dean leaned up and reached over Jonah so that he could kiss Sam on the forehead.  “I’m okay.”

Sam sighed and decided to leave it alone for now.  Jonah was far too little and new for Sam to feel comfortable leaving him with anyone else but eventually he would be bigger.  Then Sam would have more ammunition to force Dean to let him help out.  He let his head fall to his pillow, draped an arm across Dean’s waist, hovering over Jonah, and tried to sleep.

********************************************

Sam was thankful that Jess had decided to stay in Stanford to take two summer courses, even if he was jealous that he wasn’t taking them too.  However, the thought of leaving Jonah for three hours at a time wasn’t a very good one.

He had been going stir crazy sitting in the apartment for the last 4 weeks.  Thankfully, Jess had gotten her way and dragged him and Jonah out to the park for the day.  She had even surprised her favorite newborn with a new stroller, something Sam was also thankful for.

“Who is the cutest baby in the world?  Huh? You are! You’re just the cutest baby!  Who is so cute?”  Jess was leaning over the stroller and cooing at Jonah while tickling his chubby cheeks.

“He’s not going to answer you.”  Sam sighed and rubbed his temples.  Plopping down onto the bench they had stopped at, he arched his back and let his head loll back.

“Well, you’re a fucking ray of sunshine aren’t you?”  Jess unsnapped Jonah from the stroller and snuggled him before sitting down next to Sam.  “Are you okay?”

Sam huffed and turned his head so he could see his friend cradling his son.  “Not really.”

Sarcasm dripped from Jess’ tongue.  “Wow, you hide it well.”  She nudged Sam gently in the ribs.  “What’s going on?  You got this perfect little cutie and you’re living with Dean…” Her words trailed off into a new thought.  “Did Dean do something? Because, if he hurt you, I swear to god I’ll kill him.  I’ll –”

Sam put a hand on Jess’ leg to stop her.  “No, no!  Dean has been great.  More than great.”

Coming back down from her rant, Jess took a cleansing breath.  “Oh, okay, good.  Because he is kind of growing on me and I’d hate to have to kill the father of your child.”  Jess pulled a goofy face at Jonah and kissed his head.  “Well, don’t tell me this little handsome man is giving you a tough time because, seriously Sam, he is an angel.  He is like the best baby I’ve ever seen.”

“No.  Jonah has been great too.”   Even Sam’s posture exuded discontentment.

“So, what is going on with you?”  Jess frowned and cocked her head at Sam.

Sam huffed and rubbed a hand over his practically flat belly.  “I’m worried about Dean.  I’m worried about us.  It isn’t that I don’t appreciate all the sacrifices he's been making for Jonah and me, but I am worried he is getting burned out.  He hardly eats, he hardly sleeps.  He just works all day and then wants to take care of Jonah all night.  I don’t let him, of course, but it doesn’t stop him from trying.”

Jess nodded.  “No offense, but he was looking kind of shitty the last time that I saw him.”

“I know!”  Sam started making grand gestures with his hands.  “You don’t know Dean when he is on a mission.  He is pretty much the most determined man on the planet.  He will never give up until he gets what he wants.  I love him for caring so much but I feel like we’re drowning.  And everything is all about Jonah, which is fine and it should be but…I still feel kind like I’m getting lost somewhere along the way.”

“Ohh Sam!  To feel that way…that’s terrible.”  Jess pulled both legs up onto the bench and crossed them so that she could rest Jonah in the curve they made.

“I know.  I feel like I should be happy right now but I feel so useless and lost and Dean’s always working and…”  Sam sighed and let his shoulders fall.  “I just want to help.”

“You are helping.  Look how pudgy little handsome is getting?  I see you with Jonah and you’re wonderful with him.”

“That’s not what I mean.”  Sam didn’t know how to get his feelings of usefulness across to his friend.  “I just want to help support us as a family.  I told Dean I would put school off for a while but he doesn’t want me to.”

“Have you told him that you feel lost?”  Jess squeezed Sam’s shoulder with her free hand.

“Not in so many words.”  Sam covered Jess’ hand with his own, happy to feel that someone felt such concern for him.

“Well, do it in more words.  That man loves you.  I knew it the minute I met him.  It’s probably why I hated him so much because love makes you do crazy things.  He’s trying really hard.  That’s not to say you aren’t.”  Jess jumped a little when Jonah scrunched up his face and let out a sudden cry.  “Ohh, shh, it’s okay.”  She scooped him up against her shoulder and bounced him gently.  “Shh, no more crying.”

Sam watched Jess sooth his son and waited for him to quiet down completely before him continued.  “I guess.  I just…I knew keeping Jonah would be hard, but I’m starting to feel like we are at the bottom of a very deep hole.”  Sam put his head in his hands and let out a cry of frustration.  “And I am just so so so tired.”

Jess bit the corner of her lip, nervously going forward with her thoughts.  “Do you think…” she paused to restate her sentence, “Do you feel like maybe you have a mild form of postpartum depression?”

“What?”  Looking at the girl beside him, Sam narrowed his eyes at her.

“I mean, think about it, Jonah is great and I know you love him but he turned your world on its head.  You two just had a baby and you’re living together, which causes a fair amount of stress, but feeling like you are at the bottom of a hole….that’s just not normal.  Feeling like you are drowning?  Sam, that worries me.”

“But I love Jonah.  I love Dean.”  Suddenly Sam’s defenses were up.

Jess treaded carefully.  “I’m not saying you don’t.  I’m just saying...maybe there is more going on than money issues.”

“It’s not like I feel that way all the time.”  Sam crossed his arms over his chest and stared straight ahead.

“I know.  But do you right now?”  Jess waited for Sam to nod.  “And last night?”  Sam hesitated but reluctantly nodded.  “I’m just saying that maybe you should talk to a doctor about it.  I’ll even go with you.  Hell, I’ve been to so many of your doctor’s appointment that the receptionists know me by name.”

A laugh actually left Sam’s mouth.  Jess was right, she had been his shoulder to lean on for most of the last 10 months.  And she was also right about something being off; he didn’t feel like himself but he couldn’t quite put his finger on what was bothering him.  “Would you?”  Jess rolled her eyes at him and shoved him playfully.  “Right, of course you would.  Stupid question.”

“So, we figure out what is going on with you and then we figure out how we can get Dean to stop working himself to a slow death.  Plan?”  Jess stood up, gently placing the now sleeping baby back in the stroller.

“Plan.”

********************************************************

It had been one week since Jess had forced Sam to get checked out.  It was four days since he spoke to a therapist.  It was one day since he decided against taking any antidepressant medication.  After being diagnosed with mild postpartum depression, the decision not to take any medication for it had been a difficult one.  Despite what some studies showed, Sam wasn’t chancing Jonah getting small amounts of medication through breast milk.  And he wasn’t going to stop breast feeling Jonah for two reasons: the health benefits and the fact that he and Dean barely had money to feed themselves, let alone buy formula.

Instead, he opted for talking to someone about his concerns which, surprisingly, made him feel like he wasn’t a crazy person after his first session.  And Jess had been making herself readily available if he needed some company during the day.  Seeing her cheery face reminded him that he was a people person and being without Dean during the daylight hours was probably what had been affecting him the most.  His friend had even taken it upon herself to do all of Jonah’s laundry for him, fold them, and put them away in a Rubbermaid drawer system she bought on a whim.  She was definitely earning her title of ‘Aunt Jess’.

The afternoon had found Sam happily alone in the peace and quiet of his apartment.  Jonah had eaten and fallen asleep on his shoulder and he gently transferred him to his bassinet, mourning the loss of his son’s comforting warmth.  Sam kissed him softly and then pulled himself onto the mattress with a steno pad and pencil.

For the next hour he budgeted and planned and broke down his and Dean’s schedule and rearranged them to work more efficiently.  The list making seemed to calm him, all of their chores and bills falling into neat little columns on his paper.  Dean coming into the apartment shattered his concentration.  He spun to meet him but Dean was already beside him, catching him mid-turn.

“Hey Sammy.”  Dean’s eyes were tired but there was a smile behind them.  He had a smudge of something along his cheek and he hadn’t shaven in several days, making him look even more exhausted.

Sam’s eyes were still wide from being startled.  Pushing his hair out of his eyes he smiled up at Dean.  “I didn’t think you would be home this early.”

Dean brushed the statement aside and craned his neck to get a look at what Sam was trying to conceal with his hands.  “What cha doing?”  He scanned the notepad on Sam’s lap and cocked his head to the side in an attempt to read it.

“Just figuring some things out.”  Slamming the notebook shut, Sam pushed it aside and rose from the bed to meet Dean’s eyes.  “Dean, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.”

“Yeah?”  Dean pulled his shirt, soiled with grease and other stains, over his head.  He raked a hand through his short hair and raised an eyebrow at Sam.

Sam’s shoulders fell when he saw how lean his brother had become.  “You work too much.”  The statement wasn’t quite the segue Sam was looking for but it would have to do.

“I don’t see any other options Sammy.”

“I do.  Kind of.”  Sam bit his lip and then let out his thoughts in a rush.  “I was thinking I could get a job at night.  Maybe I could even take a semester off just so we can save more money…”  Dean pressed a finger to his lips and the rest of his words came out as a mumbled mess.

“No.  You’re going back to class.  You are getting your degree and then your paycheck can blow mine out of the water and you can be my sugar daddy.”  He removed his finger but quickly replaced it with his lips, kissing Sam briefly before he pulled away.  “I mean it, Sam.  I don’t want you to worry.”

“But I am worried Dean!  I feel like you are not even listening to me!  I know you mean well but you are making me feel insignificant.”

Dean looked as if Sam’s words had slapped him across the face.  “You’re not insignificant!  I wouldn’t be working my ass off for something ‘insignificant’ and you know that for a fact.”

“I know.  But it's how I feel because you aren’t even letting me help.”  Sam sighed, putting both hands on Dean’s shoulders to calm him.

“Sam, you do help.  You taking care of Jonah is help.  You going to college and wanting a better future for us is help.  You loving me is help.”  Dean’s eyes were heavy with emotion.

Not having expected those words Sam had nothing to say in return.  How could he argue with the facts Dean laid before him?  “Well, because I love you, I am worried about you.  I am worried about us.  We are barely keeping things together.”  Sam pursed his lips together and stared at the ceiling to refocus his thoughts.  He was going in fifty directions and he didn’t exactly know how to proceed.  “I’ve been seeing a therapist.  Well, actually, I’ve only seen him once…but I am going next week too.”

Pulling his head back in surprised, Dean blinked several times in disbelief.  “A therapist? Why?”

“Because I feel like shit.”  Sam started randomly picking up their clothing, tossing them in the now empty laundry basket that Jess had returned.  He turned his head to face Dean as he moved across their apartment floor.  “Because I feel like I’m always alone and I feel useless and I feel like it is always going to be like this for us.  Nothing is ever easy for you and me.”  Sam tossed one last shirt into the basket, slamming it down with more force than necessary.  Dean was staring at him, his face a mix of hurt and rejection.  “Don’t get me wrong Dean, I love you.  I love Jonah, I love that little boy more than I thought possible and I absolutely love being his father.  I appreciate everything you are doing but I feel like I am drowning.  Like I am stuck in the current and everything else is moving around me but I am stuck.”  Sam sighed and came back to stand in front of his brother again.

Dean looked around the ramshackled apartment and let his eyes land on Sam’s defeated ones.  “I know.  I know you feel like that, but it is going to get better Sammy.  We aren’t stuck on repeat.  That’s why I’m home early.”  He grabbed Sam by the hips and forced him to take a seat at their small kitchen table.  “Now I’m not saying we can move out of this tiny apartment just yet, but it is going to get better.”

“How?”

Dean perked up, relighting the excitement he originally had when he walked in the door before Sam dampened it.  “I got that job I told you about last week.  The guy said he liked my drive.  It also helped that I happened to sneak a picture or two of Jonah into our conversations.  He said he was looking for someone with the same dedicated personality as he had and I apparently have that.”  Dean smiled at the array of emotions washing over Sam’s face.  “I told him about you too.  Mostly so he knew I wasn’t planning on going anywhere anytime soon but also so he knew I wasn’t the type to run out on a commitment.  It’s a lot more money a week and I can still fix student’s cars on my own time when the semester starts again.”

It was Sam’s turn to be speechless.  All of his planning, all of his lists, none of them had anything to do with this new revelation.  “You got a real job?”

“Yeah.  I start in a few days.”  Dean tilted Sam’s chin up so that his eyes met his.  “And my schedule is pretty sweet.  I have to work one weekend and 4 days a week.  It can change but…”

Sam grabbed a hold of the hand Dean had lingering on his chin and cut the older man’s sentence off.  “You don’t have to work as much?”

“Nope.  I can spend more time with you and Jonah.”  Dean smirked and, despite his exhaustion, it was a gesture that was so characteristically Dean that Sam’s heart melted.

“Really?”  The hope in Sam’s voice was fragile, as if one false move by Dean would send him crumbling to the ground.

“Really.”

Sam launched himself out of the chair and at Dean, sending them both stumbling backwards into the wall.  It took a moment for Dean’s outstretched hands to wrap around Sam’s lower back and press them tightly together.  He chuckled when Sam hugged him tighter than he thought possible.

Dean’s voice was soft in Sam’s ear.  “I told you it was going to be okay.”  He slid both of his hands up Sam’s back so that he could comb his fingers through Sam’s hair and leave them entwined in the long strands.

“Yeah, you did.”  Sam loosened his hug and attacked Dean’s mouth.  It was a rough kiss but Dean responded immediately, both men’s lips moving against the other’s.   Sam let out a breathy moan when Dean hoisted him up against the wall and slid his tongue inside the younger man’s panting mouth.

When Dean was satisfied with leaving his brother breathless he pulled away far enough to let Sam come back to his senses.  “You need to trust me Sammy.”

“I do.”  Sam wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.  “I just…I just missed you so much.  I was all alone with Jonah and I…”  Sam let out a long breath.  “I just missed you.”

Dean wrapped Sam up in his arms again.  “I know.  I should have noticed you were floundering; I know you so well.  But I was so wrapped up in taking care of you that I had tunnel vision.”  Dean shoved up against Sam forcefully – a physical gesture to make the younger man understand he wasn’t going anywhere.  “I missed you too.”

“Your tunnel vision paid off.”  Sam arched his back and returned Dean’s shove.  “Can you not do that again?  Please?  Next time let me help.”

Dean made a grand gesture of thinking long and hard.  When Sam punched him in the ribs he let out a lungful of air and laughed.  “I can’t promise you I won’t do everything to keep you safe, but I can promise you I won’t ever make you feel useless again.  It was never my intention.”

“You do a lot of things unintentionally.”  Sam nudged Dean and nipped at his lips, loving the ability to be this playful with the older man. “We really can do this.”

“Sammy, we’ve already been doing it.”  Dean laughed before dragging Sam down to the floor and covering his lips with another kiss.


	15. Epilogue

THREE YEARS LATER:

Sam could tell from the noises – mostly clanking and giggling – in the kitchen that Dean was making breakfast for Jonah.  Glancing at the clock on his bedside table he noticed that his brother had apparently let him sleep in. Well, sleep in for his schedule which meant it was only eight o’clock.  The peel of laughter Jonah let out drifted into the room and made Sam’s lips turn up in a smile.

Still smiling, he slid out of bed and made his way to the bathroom he shared with Dean.  The routine of brushing his teeth and washing his face was habitual enough that Sam had almost completed both tasks while still lingering in a sleepy haze.  A sudden thump against his legs brought him out of the daze and jolted him to attention.  Looking down, he saw Jonah smiling up at him, his hair a mess and a dollop of chocolate on his cheek.  “Hey, handsome.”

“Hi, papa.”  The little boy giggled and tugged on Sam’s pants.

Quickly drying off his face, Sam bent down and hoisted Jonah onto his hip. He quickly swiped a finger across the melted chocolate on his son’s face before sucking it off his own thumb.  “You got chocolate all over you, little man.”

Swiping at his face, Jonah gave Sam a big grin.  “Daddy made pancakes!  He said you are grad-u-ATE-ing today.”  His words were calculated and precise, each syllable dragged out a little longer than they need be.

Sam’s face came alive and he snuggled Jonah closer, kissing the top of his head.  “Wow, that’s a big word.” 

“Mmm hmm.”  Puffing up his chest with pride, the toddler nodded his head in agreement with his father.  “And daddy made pancakes for your grad-gradua-“  He screwed his face up in frustration,  “your grad-u-ATE-ing-ing.”

Sam corrected his son, “Graduation.”

“Grad-u-ATE-ton,” Jonah repeated the word like he had known it the whole time.

Briefly taking in the little boy’s flour dusted pajamas, Sam put on an act of mock surprise. “Did you help?”

“Yeah!” Miniature versions of Dean’s facial expressions filled Jonah’s face as he energetically lapsed into story.  “Daddy let me mix it!  And I made chocolate ones.  And he made banana.  And bacon! I love bacon!”

Sam’s stomach rolled and he must have made a face because suddenly Jonah was pouting at him.

“Are you mad that I made a mess?”  Jonah tugged on Sam’s shirt and ducked his head closer.

Putting on a quick smile, Sam kissed Jonah’s cheek.  “No! No baby.”  He pretended to drop his son before re-propping him against his hip in an attempt to bring back his happy smile.  It worked and Jonah let out a burst of laughter, his tiny hands clutching at Sam’s forearms for support.  “I just can’t believe you're big enough to make me breakfast.”

The three year old’s smile was pure Dean coupled with Sam’s dimples.  “I’m big enough!”  He giggled once before sucking in a breath of surprise and pulling back.  Smile fading away, Jonah shrieked and blinked his big eyes at Sam while pointing to his father's face.  “Papa, you’re bleeding!”  Wiggling and shimmying down Sam’s body, Jonah shrieked again.  “Daddy!!!”

Sam touched his fingers to his face and they came away coated in red.  Biting his tongue to stifle the curse forming, he quickly grabbed tissues and attempted to staunch the blood flow from his nose.  “It’s okay baby.  It’s just a little boo-boo.  Papa is fine.”

Jonah’s eyes went wider when he saw the pristine white tissue soak up the blood and turn red.  “Daddy!!!”    He shook his head in disagreement with Sam’s attempt at reassurance that he was okay.  He walked backwards towards the bathroom’s door and collided with Dean’s legs.  “Daddy!”  He turned and buried his face in his father’s soft flannel pajama pants and hugged him around the knees.

Dean looked down at his son trying to hide himself.  “What’s wrong Jonah?”  He didn’t need to wait for an answer because he looked up to see Sam leaning over the sink with a thin trail of blood coursing down over his lip.  “Sammy?”

Turning towards the older man, Sam sighed.  “It’s just a nose bleed.  I’m fine.”  He wiped at the blood on his upper lip before dabbing at his nose.  “I think it is stopping; it scared him, though.”  With a nod of his head he gestured towards his son.

With Jonah still attached to his legs it made it difficult for Dean to shuffle forward but he managed.  Though Sam appeared to be fine he still leaned closer to him, his moves laden with concern.  Grabbing a handful of toilet paper, he carefully dabbed at a spot of blood Sam had missed.  His eyes went soft as he screwed his lips to the side.  “You sure?”

Smiling softly, Sam covered Dean’s hand with his own and slowly guided it away from his face.  “I’m sure.”  He dabbed at his nose with a clean tissue and then turned the still white paper towards Dean.  “See?  It stopped.  I guess I must be a little over excited for today.”

Making a noise of suspicion in the back of his throat, Dean gave his brother another exploratory glance.  Not being able to find anything wrong with the man, he lowered an eyebrow before shrugging it off.  “Hey buddy, Papa is okay.”  He shook one of his legs in an attempt to dislodge his son but it didn’t work and he bent down and pulled him into his arms.  “Look, Papa is fine.”

As soon as he was close enough, Jonah buried his head in the crook of Dean’s neck and threw his arms around his father.  “I don’t like blood.”

Sam hurriedly gathered all the bloody tissues and tossed them in the garbage.  “There is no more blood, baby; it’s all gone.”  Sam made sure to check his hands for any spots, knowing Jonah would somehow find them.  His son was both observant and a hemophobe; technically he wasn’t exactly phobic of blood, he just intensely disliked seeing it, as Sam learned the first time he fell down and skinned his knee.  At the time, one would think the injury was the end of the then 2 year old’s world.  “All the blood is gone.”

Jonah took a hesitant peek at Sam, his face still buried in Dean’s neck while one eye strained to see Sam’s smiling face.  Upon seeing nothing, he turned his head more so that he could see his father clearly with both eyes.  Taking a shuddering breath he reached out for Sam in a motion so quick that Dean would have lost his hold on him had he not been accustomed to Jonah’s actions.

Swooping Jonah into his arms, Sam settled his son against his hip.  “Now, tell me about that breakfast again.  Because I am REALLY hungry and I hope you made enough pancakes for me to eat.  Otherwise I am going to have to take a big bite of Jonah.”  He gently bit the boy’s arm in jest, making Jonah dissolve into a belly laugh while trying to playfully swat Sam’s face away.

“No Papa! You can’t eat me!”  Jonah placed one small palm on each of Sam’s cheeks and laughed as the two made their way into the kitchen.

Sam had to side step their belongings, still packed in boxes from their move two weeks ago.  All they had really had a chance to completely unpack had been Jonah’s room .  He gracefully made his way around a corner and over a box before weaving through the maze of presents left by the guests of Jonah’s 3rd birthday party last week.  Though Sam and Dean had just moved into a much larger 3 bedroom apartment, they had still decided to have a small get together to celebrate their son’s third year on earth.  They sat on boxes, they ate off of paper plates, they laughed until their sides hurt when Jonah smashed a handful of cake into Jess’ face.  They laughed harder when Jess turned Jonah loose on Dean while armed with another fist of cake.  It was a small gathering and it wasn’t conventional, but it was perfect.

Sitting down at their makeshift table, Sam positioned Jonah on his lap so that they were both facing a plateful of pancakes.  “You better help me eat all this.”  Sam laughed and took a forkful of food.  Jonah mimicked him and did the same, looking up at his father to make sure he was the perfect mirror image.  Before long, the three of them had fallen into a pretty uneventful morning breakfast, the bloodshed of the morning long forgotten.

It became obvious that Jonah was back to his three year old self when he kept insisting he drink from Sam’s glass of orange juice because he was a big boy now.  Despite Sam trying to keep a constant eye on the glass, Jonah somehow got his hands on it and while attempting to take a drink, he spilt the whole thing on himself and Sam’s legs.  Jonah turned on the water works and Dean laughed out loud, almost tipping his chair back in the process.

“Jonah!!!” Sam growled and rolled his eyes.  Now he had to add clean up spilt orange juice and a little boy covered in it to the list of things to do before he got ready for his graduation ceremony.  He loved his son.  He really did.  But sometimes being his parent was exhausting.

*************************************

Sam thought he wouldn’t care so much about actually walking for his graduation, but he did.  And while it was particularly grueling sitting outside in the Californian summer heat in a black cap and gown, he couldn’t conceal his smile stretching from ear to ear.  Being a Winchester and thus falling at the end of the alphabetic spectrum gave him plenty of time to think before his named was called.  Sitting at the commencement ceremony as a member of Stanford’s graduating class of 2005 was definitely not the place he would have seen himself 5 years ago.  He always knew he could do it, he just didn’t think it would happen for him.  And now here he was, with a diploma in his reach and an acceptance into Stanford’s law school.

He wasn’t an idiot; he knew that walking for graduation was just a formality, that he would have a degree no matter what.  But the idea of going through a physical process to represent how far he had come made him feel like he needed to be there, he needed to feel a part of this so that his brain knew it was all real.

He also wasn’t disillusioned.   He knew that he had made it this far by more than just his sheer determination and will power.  There were times when he thought it would just be easier to fall off the grid again and go back to living a life where no one cared about test scores or law school applications.  But he kept pushing himself and he graduated with a 4.0, thus only fueling Dean’s brainiac taunts.

And while all of that was an achievement on its own, he had done all of it while still being the best father he could possibly be to Jonah.  The child that he thought he could never raise turned out to be the son he couldn’t dream of living without.  Despite the postpartum depression, the money struggles, the sleepless night, and the intense moments of doubt, he had managed to pull it together and come out on top.

But he didn’t do it alone, and he knew he never could have if he tried.  Dean had been his solid foundation since day one.  When he found himself faltering in his first semester at college it was because Dean, his rock, had been missing from the picture.  Despite their false starts, when Dean was figured back into the equation it made everything make more sense.  Sam’s smile widened and his heart overflowed when he thought about the sacrifices that his brother had made to keep them on track.  They weren’t conventional, but Sam loved the life he and Dean had etched out for their family.  And whatever they had between them, regardless of how many people would have disapproved of it, they had each other and that type of love was hard to come by.

In the foreground of his mind, he heard Jess’ name being called and he cheered loudly for her just as he did for Dylan and Jason and the other people he had met along the way.  These people were more than just names in his graduating class; they were the people that held him together when no one else could.  They were the best part of his college education – real friends who didn’t judge him or use him. 

When his name was finally called, he proudly walked across the stage and accepted his degree.  He could make out the tiny form of Dean in the crowd, Jonah perched momentarily on his shoulders.  It could have been his imagination, or because he knew Dean would be doing it, but he swore he heard Dean cat calling and whooping.  He waved at him, knowing full well that the goofy grin on his face was cliché.  When his graduating class finally moved their cap tassels from right to left, Sam felt like less of the boy he had left behind and more of the man that the last 4 years had made him.

***********************************

Jonah ran at full speed towards Sam, jumping into the arms that were waiting to catch him.   He squealed when Sam pinched his belly and then planted a huge kiss on his father’s cheek.

“Hey little handsome!”  Sam placed his graduation cap on Jonah’s head, the mortarboard falling to one side as the fabric almost obscured the boy's eyes.

Sam was in the middle of sharing a laugh with his son when he was caught off guard by Dean pulling him close against his body and tilting him backwards.  Dean’s strong arms held both Sam and Jonah firmly and safely while he leaned in and kissed the younger man hard.  Sam’s eyes shot open in surprise before slowly closing as he melted into the kiss.  Dean was rarely one for public displays of affection and Sam decided to soak up the moment.  Keeping Jonah hoisted against his waist, he let Dean lean him backwards and opened his mouth slightly to allow Dean more access to the kiss.  A breathy moan escaped and he smiled into Dean’s lips.

“You guys are disgusting.”  Jason’s voice cut through their moment, but his words were lighthearted and full of laughter.  He had one hand on his hip and the other around Penny’s waist as he watched Sam flush with embarrassment. 

Dean groaned and tightened his hold on Sam.  “You know, I used to like him.”

Opening one eye slowly, as if delaying the sight of his friend would help him hold onto the moment, Sam gave Jason a self-conscious glare.  He shook himself out of the moment and let Dean return him to a proper standing position.  “You two should talk.  You are practically on top of each other whenever you think no one is looking.”

“Oh, so you’re looking then?”  Jason laughed, not missing a beat and pulling Penny closer.

Dean’s retort was cut short when Jonah scampered out of Sam’s arms and launched himself at Jason.  “Uncle Jay!”

“Hi pipsqueak!”  Jason let go of Penny and swung Jonah around in a circle.  “Look at you in that hat.”

Jonah laughed and begged to be swung more.  He let out a little “umph” when he was snatched out of Jason’s arms by the petite woman still in cap and gown.  His surprise was quickly replaced by a huge smile.  “Aunt Jessie!  You scared me!”  Jonah hugged Jess.

Dean let out a snort.  “Yeah, _Jessie_ , you scared him.”

“Shut it Dean.  He is the only one who can call me Jessie,” she looked down at Jonah and kissed his cheek, “and that is because he is so darn cute!”  She set the little boy on the ground and watched him scurry back to his parents to grab a hold of Sam’s hand and swing it slowly.  Following in Jonah’s path, she jumped into a hug around Sam’s neck.  “We did it handsome!”

Bringing his free hand up so that it rested across the small of Jess’ back, Sam gave a squeeze.  “Yeah, we did.”  He let her linger there, both of them savoring the pride they both felt for their accomplishments.  “And I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“Are you kidding?!”  Jess hopped back to the ground.  “I would have failed almost every paper I had during freshman year if it wasn’t for you!”  Giving her friend a wink, she looked down at Jonah.  “Although, that gorgeous little boy might not have had any clean clothing for the first few months of his life without me, so I guess we’re even.”

Helping his friend with a few papers was nothing compared to the emotional support Jess had given Sam.  But he knew they weren’t tit for tat.  She had come seeking her own emotional support when she broke up with Dylan two years ago, and though they somehow found a way to still remain friends, it had been difficult.   
  
Sam an Jess kept hugging until they were separated when Jess’ parents broke them up in a typical attention-drawing-Jess-move.  They were loud and laughing and were making a beeline for Sam and Jonah.

“Sam! Look at you!  Congratulations!”  Jess’ mom gave Sam a huge hug, one so full of sincerity that it almost filled the loss he was feeling at not having any parent present.  “Is that Jonah?  He has gotten so big since we have last seen him.”

“Yeah.”  He nudged the shy boy forward.  “Say hello baby.”

Jonah hung back slightly but gave a small sweet smile.  “Hi.”

“Hi Jonah.”  The woman bent down and patted his cheek.  "You look just like your daddies."  Standing upright, she surveyed the scene and did a mental count of the friends gathering near her.  “Well, now that you are all here, let’s get a picture so we can get out of here and go celebrate!”

Jess smiled and bit her bottom lip as she made a happy giggling sound.  She waited for Sam to usher Jonah towards Dean before grabbing his hand and tugging the taller man with her to join the crowd of people beside them.  The mass of smiling faces in caps and gowns all molded around each other, setting up for Jess’ mother to take a picture.  Sam’s eyes were bright and shining as Jess pulled him against her and Jason slung an arm behind his neck.

Dean watched the graduates get situated with a sideways smile plastered on his face.  He pulled a small digital camera from his pocket and stood beside Jess’ mother, shyly capturing the moment as well.  As the group continued posing and pulling ridiculous faces, Dean kept shooting.  Soon, other parents and loved ones joined in, flashes going off in unsynchronized patterns.  

Jess pulled out of the group and put up her hands in an attempt to pause the impromptu photo shoot.  “Hold on a second.  We need our mascot.”  She smiled and crouched down.  “Jonah, get over here!”

Jonah looked up at Dean for reassurance before launching himself into Jess’ arms.  She helped Sam swing him up onto his shoulders before falling back into the group, one hand laced with Sam’s and the other one throwing a peace sign.  Jonah giggled and Dean captured a shot with the little boy's eyes just as lit up with happiness as Sam’s.

“Alright, alright.  We are done.”  Sam wormed out of the group and saddled up alongside Dean.  In a swift movement, he swung Jonah down onto his hip before linking an arm through Dean’s.  “I want a picture of the three of us.” 

Dean rolled his eyes but happily complied as Jason took the photo for them, his face making it clear just how proud he was of Sam.

“Alright, let’s go!”  Jason returned the camera to Dean and clapped the man on the back.  “Dinner time.”

Sam shifted Jonah to his other hip.  “Are sure you don’t mind if we join you?”  He hesitated, not wanting to be invited along with Jason’s, Jess’ and Penny’s families out of pity.

Jess mom answered for him.  “Of course not!”  She tugged Sam along with her, forcing the group to head towards the parking lot.  “The more the merrier.”  She looked over her shoulder and curled a finger at Dean.  “You too.”

Dean laughed, looking down while shaking his head before he jogged to catch up to Sam.  He draped a loose arm across Sam’s shoulders, their height difference making it a little awkward.  “Everyone loves you Sammy.”

Sam snorted but the comment warmed his heart.

“I love you Papa!” Jonah nuzzled Sam.

“I love you too, handsome.”  Sam tapped the graduation cap still on his son’s head, making it bouncing down. 

The huge party made their way to dinner, taking up a small portion of the restaurant.  It was an eclectic mix of people and Jonah had taken to playing musical chairs, plopping himself on different diner’s laps and helping himself to their food.  Jess, Jason, and Penny were used to being around their friend’s son and happily entertained him.  Eventually, he ended up back on Dean’s lap, snoozing against Dean’s chest, his hands curled against his father.

The dinner went off mostly without a hitch, aside from one squabble between Jess and Dean that left Jess on the floor beside an upturned decorative potted plant and Dean innocently oblivious to the situation.  It ended in laughter but Jess still scowled at Dean.  She later dumped a glass of water over his head, Dean offering no retaliation because he knew he deserved it.  Their antics had become more like sibling squabbles than actual fighting and by the end of the night she was saddled up beside him whispering something that Sam was sure involved him.

By the time they were done, the parents decided to go their own ways while the friends had plans for a huge after party they planned weeks ago.  Sam and Dean said their goodbyes and made their way to the exit with Jess who hugged Sam tightly.  She hung onto Sam and whined with pleading eyes, “Are you sure you can’t come out with us?  We are going to miss you.”

Sam sighed and hugged her back before breaking away.  “Well, I have to put Jonah to bed and, even if I could go out, all of my babysitters are going to be at the party.  It looks like it's me and Dean tonight.”  Running a hand though much longer hair, he smiled to show that he didn’t mind staying behind.  “I’ll miss you too though.”

Pouting, Jess turned to Dean.  “You’ll make sure that he has a good time tonight, right?”  She shook a warning finger at the older man.

Dean shifted Jonah’s sleeping form over his shoulder, the soft sounds of his son’s breathing becoming a calming rhythm.  “I’m going to try.”

“Good.”  She waved the two men off.  “Alright, go.  Get out of here.”  She shooed them towards the door.  “If you don’t hear from me in two days, send for help; I may have drank myself into a stupor.”  Jess blew a quick kiss before she darted back into the restaurant to rejoin her friends and head out for the night.

As he put Jonah into his car seat, Dean caught Sam’s eyes.  “You can go with them if you want to.  I think I can handle a passed out three year old on my own.”  He snapped his son safely into place before sinking into the driver’s seat.

“Nah.  I am tired of being around other people’s families.  I want to be around ours for a while.”  Sam clicked his own seat-belt.  “Plus, I am exhausted.  I am more than happy to go home.”

The ride back to the apartment was one Dean could do on autopilot.  As he drove, he kept stealing quick glances at Sam, noticing how the man had changed over the last four years.  He noticed the confidence Sam had in himself now, it oozed from him in the way he spoke and carried himself.  It had taken him a while to figure out what it was but Dean realized that Sam was finally comfortable in his own skin.  He didn’t have to worry about not being good enough or living in the shadow of what someone else wanted for you.  He smiled at the thought and it lingered on his face long after the ride was over and he had Jonah tucked safely into bed and Sam perched on the couch.

He handed Sam a cold beer and clinked the bottle’s necks together.  “Congrats Sammy.  Now you are on your way to being some hot shot lawyer and you can leave me in the dust.”

Fully knowing Dean was kidding, Sam pouted.  “Stop it!  I just graduated.  I still have to get through law school.”  He put his beer down on the table and grabbed Dean’s face, pulling him close enough to drop a light kiss on his forehead.

“Well, you will finish that without a hitch.”  Dean pulled the hand Sam had placed on his left cheek towards his lips and kissed the palm.  “Speaking of which,”  he stood up and leaned behind a stack of boxes against the wall, returning with a modestly wrapped package.  “I have a surprise for you.”

Sam eyes widened with pleasant wonder.  “Come on Dean, you know you didn’t have to.”

“I know.  I wanted to.”  He put the present on Sam’s lap and sat beside the younger man in wait.

The package was dense on his lap and Sam’s fingers toyed with the paper before tearing it open to reveal a beautiful leather briefcase.  Turning it over in his hands, Sam explored the dimensions and pockets.  It was definitely something that had cost a pretty penny.  “Dean, this is beautiful.”

“You like it?”  The older man smiled, his usual confidence making way for his desire to meet Sam’s approval.

“I love it!”  Sam smiled and put the briefcase to the side.  “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”  A mischievous smirk made its way to Dean’s face and he swung Sam so that the younger man was straddling his lap.  Despite the height difference, Sam somehow made the position work, curling his back so that he was eye level with Dean.  “I bought it so that you can use it when you get your law certification,” Dean nipped at Sam’s lips, “which I know you will.”

Sam let his forehead fall against Dean’s, their faces so close that he went cross eyed when he tried to look at his brother.  “What would I do without you?”

“Shrivel up and die?”  Dean laughed and pulled Sam in for a kiss, finally having the privacy to take as much time with those lips as he wanted.

Sam sighed, letting Dean pull him closer and kiss him deeper.  He wanted to draw the moment out, enjoying the tenderness of the moment.  Though they often found time to spend together it was not always so packed with the emotions that the day had provided.  His heart hammered in his chest and his stomach felt like it was going to drop out.  While Sam had grown into a more confident person he still got flustered when it came to Dean.  All of his well made plans would fall out the window and leave him stammering.  He didn’t mean for it to happen the way it did but he gave Dean one last deep kiss before pulling away enough to speak.  The words came falling out of his mouth in a quick burst of sound.  “I’m pregnant.”  Nerves at Dean’s reaction made him lean in again and capture the older man’s lips, moving against them with familiarity.  They hadn’t exactly been trying but they hadn’t been _not_ trying either.

Dean’s brain was hazy from Sam’s kisses and the words didn’t hit him right away.  All he knew was that Sam had said something and that the younger man’s lips were on his again.  He started kissing Sam again, a moan leaving his mouth as he cupped the sides of Sam’s face and pulled him in for a deeper kiss.  He swept his tongue partially into Sam’s mouth when he froze, the words finally hitting him.  “You’re…”  He pulled away and swallowed.  “Pregnant?”  Scanning Sam’s face, he tried to gauge the taller man’s feelings on the matter.

Straightening up, Sam shrugged his shoulders, turning his hands up while smiling innocently.  “Umm…surprise.”  The nervousness in his gut was making him want to throw up but he suppressed it for the moment.

Speechless, Dean’s eyebrows lowered and rose in thought.  His lips moved to form words he couldn't vocalized.  He kept his hands firmly planted on Sam’s hips, keeping the man in place.

Still unsure of how Dean felt about the news, Sam leaned in and kissed Dean, moving his own lips against the older man’s until they were both moving together again.    
  
Just when Dean started to take control of the kiss again he flipped Sam off his lap and onto his back so that he spread out across the couch.  With slow movements Dean crawled over Sam and pushed his shirt up, his hands clumsily searching out the place where their child was growing.  “Really?”

After propping an arm behind his head so he was able to look down at Dean, Sam smirked.  “Yeah.”  He watched Dean palm his stomach and drop several kisses to it.  Deciding that his brother’s reaction had been a positive one he reached down and combed a hand through Dean’s short hair.  “I found out a few days ago.  I wanted to wait to tell you after graduation.”

“How long?”  Dean looked up at Sam and maintained eye contact as he kissed the area below his bellybutton.

Keeping his fingers twined in Dean’s hair, Sam smiled.  “Six weeks.”

He counted back in his head, looking at Sam to see that they were on the same page.  “Oh…that time when you,” he made a leering gesture, “and I,” another gesture, “and…yeah.”  His voice trailed off in a daydream and he licked his lips.  “You didn’t tell anyone?”  Dean traced his fingers over Sam’s toned abs while he waited for the man to nod. “Not even Jess?”

“Not even Jess.  I told her I suspected but that is it.”  Sam smiled, already blown away by the differences with finding out about this baby and the moment he found out about Jonah.

Dean took a minute to process and then crawled over the taller man’s body.  “Oh Sammy…”  His voice was husky and deep, sending jolts thought Sam’s body.  “Sammy, Sammy, Sammy.” He cupped Sam’s cheek with one hand and dipped his neck so that he could kiss the younger man.

Pulling out of the kiss Sam stayed close to Dean.  “So you’re good with this?”

The shock that Sam would even think that he wouldn’t be happy about the news of another baby was written all over Dean’s face.  “How could I not be?”  He pressed up against Sam.  “Another baby…it’s going to be good Sam.  Its going to be the way it should have been all along with Jonah.”

“You sure like knocking me up for my first year of school don’t you?”  Sam laughed and let his hand come over the one Dean had curled against his abdomen.  He shook his head in disbelief.  “I can’t believe I am happy about getting huge again and being sick.”  Sam sighed at the memories.  “I know it is going to be tough to start law school and have another baby…but…I’m excited Dean.” 

“Good.”  Dean crowded into him, trying to remove any space between them.  “Because you’re right, it is going to be tough; but this time I am going to be there every step of the way.”

“Even the not so pretty parts?”

“Especially for the not so pretty parts.”  The older man kissed Sam softly.

He let out a loud sigh of relief.  Though he had known Dean would feel that way, it was still a huge relief to hear the words aloud.  Sam wiggled his nose and tilted his head back.  “Speak of the devil.”  He tried to shove Dean off.  “Dean, I need you to get off of me.”  As soon as his brother complied he sat up and tilted his head back, reaching blindly to the box of tissues on the cocktail table just in time to catch the first drops of blood that escaped his nose.

Dean, first confused with Sam’s sudden request and then concerned with the blood, scrambled to help the younger man.  “What the hell Sammy?”

“Nosebleeds.” Sam’s voice was muffled and nasal because of the tissues pressed to his nose.  “I got them all the time in the beginning when I was pregnant with Jonah.  It is why I had one this morning.”  Sam pulled the tissues away, always surprised at the amount of blood.  Looking at the red he started to feel queasy.  “Ugh.”

“Let me help.  Just lean back.”  Dean tilted Sam’s head back and grabbed a clean handful of tissues.  “Shit Sammy, are you sure this is normal for you because it looks like you need a blood transfusion?”  He dabbed at Sam’s nose, hating seeing Sam bleed in any manner.

“Yeah, it is okay.  It happened _a lot_ with Jonah.  You just missed that part.”  Sam sighed and closed his eyes, letting his brother doctor him.

Dean leaned closer, cocking his head in examination.  “I think it is slowing.”  They sat in silence until Dean was sure the blood had stopped.  He sat back on his heels when he noticed that Sam was laughing.  “What is so funny?”

“Nothing.”  Sam kept his head tilted against the back of the couch just in case his nose hadn’t stopped yet but he was smiling as he let out small laughs.  “It’s just…I never thought I would be happy to have a nose bleed, but I am.  And I’m happy to have you here with me.  It is sappy….I know…But,”  Sam sighed, “it is how I feel.”

The guilt Dean had felt for not being around during the early months of Sam’s first pregnancy may have lain dormant as of late but it never disappeared entirely.  His eyes were heavy with remorse as he brushed away the last droplet of blood on Sam’s face.  “I’m sorry you had to deal with that on your own before.  But it will be different this time.  You can bleed on me all you want.  You could throw up on me for all I care.”

“You’ll regret saying that.  Just wait.  Jonah loved making me throw up.”  Sam absently curled his hand across his flat belly, already loving the fact that he knew he could take care of this baby and that he wanted to raise him as his own, as _their_ own. 

Dean shrugged. “Well maybe this baby will be different.  Either way, you just try not to throw up on me.  But if it happens, it happens.  I don’t care.”

Sam laughed and brought a hand up to his face.  “We’re crazy to do this again, right?”  He didn’t actually mean the words but over the last few days the thoughts of having another newborn were sometimes overwhelming.  “I want this baby.  Is that crazy?  Am I crazy?”

“You’re not crazy.”  Dean kissed his lips softly.  “We have shit timing, but we aren’t crazy.”  He grabbed Sam’s jaw and held it in place as he kissed him deeper.  When they pulled apart Sam’s lips were swollen and parted, puffs of air coming in quick succession.  “It’s not going to be easy, and it isn’t planned but it is wanted and it is our type of perfect.  We can make our own family Sammy, and that means everything to me.”

Rolling Dean’s words over in his head, Sam realized that _they_ were exactly what he had been looking for.  He wanted to find a life that made him happy and worked for his personality.  While he might not be living the norm, Sam was happy.  “We can build our own type of perfect.”  And this time, with Dean happily at his side, perfect wouldn’t have so many road bumps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. And I hope you liked the story. I know it took some twists and turns (some expected, some not), but I really appreciate those of you who stuck with it. Thank you!
> 
> I do have a sequel planned called "Playing House". I am not sure when I will start posting it.


	16. Timestamp Drabble - One Year

It takes Sam’s mind a moment to go from dreamscape to reality in order for him to realize Dean is going down on him.

It’s a nice feeling, warm wet suction rousing more than just his consciousness.

It’s also a nice surprise.

Dean always aims to satisfy Sam and oral sex isn’t a rare occurrence, but it is rare to wake up to.  Sam turns his head to the right to see across their tiny apartment that Jonah is asleep in his crib and is showing no signs of waking any time soon. 

Sighing, Sam relaxes completely.  He wants to let Dean know he’s awake and appreciates the attention, but his mind is still lazy enough to lay there and soak up Dean’s actions.

It’s early, that much he can tell without a clock.  Jonah has been waking like clockwork for months. It’s actually Sam’s sleep schedule that has been out of whack.  Finishing up his sophomore year at Stanford took a lot out of him, but it was infinitely easier than his freshmen year, mostly due to the whole ‘not being pregnant’ thing.

He and Dean haven’t had an abundance of free time since Sam had to juggle finals and Jonah.  And to be fair, Sam’s given Dean his fair share of blowjobs because he was too tired for actual intercourse.  So this morning is a nice switch up.

“Dean.”  Sam’s voice is soft.  He sure as hell isn’t waking their son.

Dean gives a thorough bob of his head before pulling away and yanking the sheet down enough to expose his head.  “Morning, Sammy.”

“That’s a nice wakeup call.”  Sam smiles and combs a hand through Dean’s hair.  His heart trips over itself when a grin spreads like lightening over Dean’s spit slick lips.  His brother looks damn proud of himself, eyebrows wiggling a little as he mouths Sam’s dick again.  Sam can’t stifle the breathy gasp that leaves his lips.  His eyes flutter as he does his best to keep his hips from arching forward.  “What’d I do to deserve this?”

Going serious for the moment, Dean’s grin transforms into a soft smile.  He raises up enough to look Sam in the eyes.  “You had my baby.”

Sam thinks Dean might have lost his mind.  He is positive that he and Dean were on the same page about this.  Jonah isn’t exactly a new employee or anything.  He looks at him in confusion but Dean is already on it, voice soft as he explains himself.

“One year ago today, you gave birth to our Jonah.”

The fact switches on a light bulb in Sam’s brain.  Of course he knows that.  The end of the semester also comes with the celebration of Jonah being a living breathing being for one year on earth.  There is no way he could forget that.  One year ago he’d done the most amazing, painful, scary, important, hardest thing in his entire life.  That day had started off as one he was dreading and ended up being life changing.  Sam could _never_ forget that.  “Oh.”

Dean’s devious smile is back now that he knows Sam has hitched onto his train of thought.  “So, I figured I could thank you for doing that…”

“I guess it’s the least you could do after all my hard work.”  Labor hurt like hell, he remembers thinking that, but he doesn’t really remember it any more.  Still, if Dean wants to thank him, he isn’t standing in the way.  The smoldering look in Dean’s eyes makes Sam melt and he groans. 

“Yeah…least I can do.”  Dean licks his lips and goes back to sucking.

Suddenly there are fingers involved and _holy shit_ what a send off to the most trying yet wonderful year of their lives.

Sam is left to fist the bed sheets and practically bite into the pillow because, like he said before, there is no way he is waking his – _their_ – one year old.


End file.
